Hi all. DH and I (married 3y) are about to start 'Pre-conditioning' prior to IVF/ISCI. Issues: ovarian reserve, sperm and age (me 40 DH 43). The feelings of failure and lament for lost opportunities has been hard, but we are positively moving forward. We are seeking some insight as to what men experience while going through this so we can put our experiences into perspective, which may help. Any input gratefully received
I think the thing my DH found hardest was the lack of intimacy and romance in the baby making process. It sounds like an easy thing to try to help (by us ladies being a little more intimate with them during the IVF journey), but it's not as easy as it sounds as we are also going through sooooo much at the same time. Not to mention the emotional upheaval that can be caused by all our hormonal changes...
Best of luck with your journey. I hope it all goes nice and smooth for you hence forth.
My DH found it easier to cope with the process by arming himself with knowledge! This can be a negative as sometimes the more you read the more you realise can go wrong, but for him he found some security in understanding the processes etc. The other thing was to 'try' to go with the flow as much as possible and not have great expectations. Much easier said than done, I know.
Just wishing you all the best. My DH is just the type of guy to get things done. He never worries about anything and it was always hard to know what he was thinking.
I was the one who didn't cope so I would research to the hilt. It's a hard road to walk but just remember you are not alone.
We're just starting our first ICSI cycle for MFI. My DP seems to be dealing with things through trust - ie, he 'trusts' me to do the appropriate reading, research, questioning, calculating timing, costing, etc. He happily comes to appointments, but where I seem to have a count down going on for every stage we go through, he has no idea what's next and asks 'What's this appointment for, again?' about a dozen times for each one. I'm pretty sure it's not a form of denial - he's 100% on-board when it comes to the big picture, just not the details! I wish I were more patient when answering!
I'm trying to help by making sure appointments are made with both of our schedules in mind, and being really clear about my expectations regarding his presence at appointments. There's no getting past the fact that I go through most of the intervention, and that there are a lot of appointments to get away, and he probably doesn't actually need to be at a lot of them. For example, I'd like him there for the first scan and BT when we are counting follicles on CD2, but it's ok (or, at least for now I think I won't need him there) for all the follow up scans for the next 2 weeks. I haven't told him yet, but I will want him to call me and ask the outcome of every appointment I go to without him, too. I used to think 'There's no point in him calling me if I tell to call me' but actually, it's just easier for both of us if we make our expectations really clear.
And although in our case the problem is entirely with him, and it looks do far like I'm ok, we have decided to keep a united front when we tell anyone, especially family, that we're going to go through this. For example, 'Mum, Dad, we have been trying for a while now to get pg, so we had some tests, and they show that while it's not impossible, we have a much smaller chance than normal to get pg naturally. So we're trying assisted conception, which means I'll be undergoing minor surgical procedures at the right times, for egg collection and for having the embryos transferred. We don't want anyone to know what stage we're at in a cycle, but we think you have a right to know we might be under a fair bit of pressure in the coming months.' So the people who love us best know we're going through it, know how we would like them to respond, but not the very private and intimate details of why we need it. It's presented as a medical solution to 'our' problem. I think for my DP this helps because I am taking ownership of it too, and he no longer worries that I might leave him for a more fertile man.
And his libido has increased since we decided to go for ICSI. I think he was feeling like sex was pointless if he couldn't provide enough swimmers to get us pg, and now he feels like that pressure is off him, and it can be fun again. I'm encouraging that, I'm sure it's good for both of us.
Good luck with this next phase in your ttc journey.
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. How different they all are! I am very impressed with your controlled directions Pholi, I am not so good with the forgetting of details and have to tell myself to be patient and remember it doesn't mean he doesn't care!!!! I didn't realize until I was waiting there by myself for an appointment he said he might not be able to make one day how much it actually meant to have him there - burst into tears when he arrived.....how pathetic this process makes me. I am a 299% in control person in my real life, and this is without the hormones!!!!! Aaaargh...not sure there is much hope for me. I also like the approach for your family - we too are very private and have given little details and said the nice equivalent of 'don't ask, we'll let you know what we want to when we want to'. Anyway, I will continue my pre-conditioning and await the pleasures to follow. Oh, and rock-on increased libido!!!! I understand the effect of feelings of failure and unmanliness..... Good luck to all with significant events this week
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