help - how not to fight over choosing a name?

[EsJay]

Hi All, i have a bit of a dilemma.
DH and i simply cannot choose a name/s without arguing everytime its bought up.
We had the same problem last pregnancy too, we were still arguing over it while i was being wheeled into theatre, then when dd was here the nurse asked have you chosen a name and i said yes this is what it is, but DH now says he 'told me how it was in theatre and chose the name in the end' whatever, i dont care we both love it, it doesnt matter who said which we would go with in the end.

Its even worse this time, after the nt scan i handed him a list with 30 girls names and 5 boys names (i am a bit stuck on boys names, but have an absolute favourite so i feel i dont need to search much more) i said tick which ones you like. he read it, handed it back to me and said 'there is 1 that i might, possibly, in another lifetime consider'. Great thats promising, not.
He keeps going on about how i like 'hick' names and how it should be illegal for me to name a child. Since then i have attempted to bring it up by saying 'oh i thought of another name i like today' and he rolls his eyes, gives me a look that says 'what cr*p have you come up with now' and says yeah i bet you have. so i no longer feel able to bring it up, i feel like everything i come up with is horrible. I am currently in a place emotionally where i really need something to help me get excited about this baby, and coming up with names is something i love to do and do find exciting, a part of the bonding process in a way, so i really feel like my excitement is being taken away from me, and im starting to resent him for that. i dont want to get excited about a name, only to have it taken away from me.
I feel as i carry, birth, breastfeed and virtually single handedly (another sore point) raise my kids that i should have the majority say on their names, when i say this to him he gets all peeved and says things like 'what so im discriminated against because im male and cant have kids' and he believes that being the father and not able to have the kids that he should get to name them as his part in it all. so while i see his point, i need him to see mine and to stop making me feel like this.

none of the names on my list are that out there or what people would find strange i dont understand the problem.
I have also asked him for his input and he gave me 1 'non negotiable' name, he wont entertain the idea there might be a boy in there (i suppose he doesnt want to get his hopes up and then be disappointed) so he wont contribute a boys name at all, and i dont like the 1 girls name he has given me.

Has anyone had this problem and how did you deal with it?
i think last time i was just so busy buying things and worrying about things and all of the first time excitedness and business that i didnt have time to let it become an issue, this time theres hardly anything for me to do/buy/worry about that this issue seems to stick out and cause so much heartache this time.

help, anyone???

[skybie]

Adam doesnt like DD3's name, i told him, thats what it is get used to it!
he didnt like DD2's name either, so meh!
Good lucj, its not easy

[Tegam]

Well like skybie said basically in the end someone 'wins'.

DH picked dd1 dd3 and ds name. I did a skybie and got dd2 but that was because I picked it at five weeks so he hadn't thought of anything else yet. Lol.

I'm lucky that I just end up loco g the child do I like the name. They do take some getting use too if it's not your pick tho, the name that is not the child

[Butterfly Dawn]

We short listed 10 neames each and crossed off the 1s you cant live with. Then let the remander sit for awhile- and we have always decided after baby was born- let the personality come through alittle too.
Its 1 of the hardest decissions to make I think.
Oh, we also took into consideration the meanings. Some nice names have meanings we both hated. DS2 Oliver means Elf army and that is so him to a T. Lucius means light bringer and he is certainly that. We have issues over pronunceation though- Harry Potter has a Lu-see-ous and we pronounce ours Loo-shiss so you need to take thing like that into consideration too.
Good luck

[Eenee]

Oh yeah we are having the same problem. Apparently I'm a hippy and I get to choose everything hippy parent related so he should get to choose the name

[Traveller]

We pretty much decided that he could choose the boys names and I could choose the girls. Didn't really work out in my favour but he chose boys names early on in the pregnancy and the one for our middle boy I didn't like, but by the time he was born I had got used to it. Now I love it and I couldn't imagine him named anything else.

[KitFaerie]

Whenever I suggested a name DH didnt like, he would look around the room and go ''What about couch?, what about Lamp?'' It took until the last few weeks of pregnancy for us to actually have a real conversation about names. He just wasn't ''there'' yet, do you think time will help your DH to get involved in naming? What about someone chooses a first name and someone chooses a middle name?

When DS was born we had 2 names chosen, and we decided to call him by one name for the first day and the second name the second day and see which fit him the best, maybe something like that?

[NaeNae]

I think this is just about every couples woes

This baby will be our third girl and sheesh it just gets harder every time. Dh had a name picked out for the first one but because the pregnancy ran into trouble we decided on a different name and I chose both her first and middle name as I wanted something strong for her.
Of course Dh then decided early in the piece that DD would have the "original" name so I chose the middle name.
THIS baby though goodness the fights we had over this one all my names were too "out there" and all of Dh's choices were too ordinary. In the end I put forward a name to which Tummybunny seemed to respond to. I told him not to discuss it straight away and to just think about it because I loved it.
I didn't mention it again then about 5 weeks later he came and said he was worried about what she would be nicknamed but I assured him the nickname he was worried about wouldn't be an issue as she was a girl.
We are 4 weeks out from our due date and DH has JUST started referring to her by the name and we both adore it.

SO,

I would put a list of your top 5 names on the fridge - get him to do the same. Include the middle name and surname and tell him to read the list every time he goes to the fridge (you do the same) and see what grows the most on you. If you have still not decided by the time the baby comes, take both lists into the hossy and see what baby looks like.



Nae x x

[Glamourcide]

I'm not sure if this will help you at all, but this is how DH and I did it.
We each sat down with a piece of paper, and I wrote down all the names I liked, he did the same. Then we swapped our lists, crossed off the names we really couldn't stand, and put the remaining names onto one piece of paper. The names that had been crossed off, no matter how much we loved them, were not allowed to be mentioned again - they were gone, forgotten.
In a way, we're lucky we didn't have boys - between the two of us, the single boy name we could agree on was James (DH's middle name) - we had not ONE single name other than that, that both of us could live with. Girl's names were easier, but I've had to accept that my favourite names were just not going to happen on DH's watch - I love our Emily Paige and Hayley Nicole but am sad that I will never get to have my Alicia Reide or Katherine Elizabeth. DH just didn't like those names so we had to compromise.

I personally am not a fan of letting one parent choose the name with no input from the other parent. I think both parents AND the child need to be at least optimistic about the name, not stuck with their least favourite name for the next 18 years So with that in mind, both of you are butting heads over the naming dilemma because you both want a 'stake' in naming the child, when it should (imo, anyway) be a joint effort, just the way the baby was created That argument may be the sticking point that is preventing you both from working together on finding the name that is meant for this baby... let it go and see whether that helps you both more open to discussing names you may not have thought would work
Best of luck, I know you will find the right name I just hope it happens without stressing you both out too much! x

[LuluHB]

We struggle too. You'd think when you were up to your 3rd go at it something would be easier but its not. I usually get quite a long list early on and then gradually cross things off - I'll find a name I really like that day/week but another month and I'm like meh. Then I give the list to DH and get him to tell me which ones he likes. I'm always told there's basically nothing. What really annoys me though is that while he poo poos all my names, he never contributes any suggestions. Makes it kinda hard!

[Tegam]

. Apparently I'm a hippy and I get to choose everything hippy parent related so he should get to choose the name

Rofl. But that's true.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I did this to DH - I hated all his girl names. But he reckoned most of mine sounded like "adult" film stars.

So we just kept on going. "What do you think of *nice name*?" "No." (I needed justification for saying no to his, so we went with one of his that I didn't hate for a while until he decided he liked an old one of mine better that he wasn't over keen on at first.)

For Liebs, took us about 5 minutes to pick his name. I had a list of about 10 boys names. My favourites were out. But I like his name, as does DH. Middle names - DH picked out of two of mine, then had near free pick of the other.

However, for a girl version of Liebs - we went through hundreds of names. Hours and hours of him saying "nah." Took us 6 hours and we had three names DH didn't hate. Of those, one had to be a long version and he hated ALL the long versions, so was out. Another was a bit "meh" for us both, although we like it. The final one was the one DH changed his mind about, then again a few months later, so the one we went with.

But it was hard. Example - DH loved Sophie, but I hate it. I wouldn't mind Sophia (and call her Phia). DH hated Sophia - so why can't we have Sophie? Because I hate it, I really don't like the accent my mother's family have as they'd say "Serh-fy". And "So-fee" is OK, but not "Serh-fy". But the only two names DH came up with were Sophie and Tamsin. Those were the only ones he would consider once I made him pick some for quite a while.

[Taurean]

DH and I are struggling a bit to decide on a boys name (although I think we've finally made some progress tonight!) but we aren't arguing about it. How frustrating for you!

OK, my advice would be to tell your DH that if he really wants some input into the name then to take the whole thing a bit more seriously and actually spend some time coming up with a list of all the names he likes. If he's so passionate about picking the name then that's the least he can do!

I have to say, I don't agree with the final choice being your call over his. Sounds like that comment could be making the issue worse. Sure, us women do a lot more to get our baby's earthside but let's face it, without sperm, there'd be no baby at all! He is your DH too so clearly he plans to remain on the scene, hopefully for the long haul and he'll be an active part of the child's life. I think suggesting he doesn't have as much right to the final say of the name is only adding fuel to the fire IYKWIM.

Someone else said something about guys just not being on the same page as us when it comes to names and I agree. DH has shown more interest this pregnancy but on both occasions, he's left the final decisions until this point (so roughly 34 weeks) and only cause I've pestered him to help me lock in some names. He just doesn't see the need to decide on names any earlier. I think it's definitely a guy thing

Hope you guys can come to an agreement soon. I think asking him to write a list if his faves would be a brilliant start though.

[tilygirl]

I will be honest, ours was not the most conventional way of choosing a name and I guess this post is not so much about how not to fight over choosing a name, but to share how we chose ours. It is also absolutely not my intention to trivialize the significance of choosing a name or offend anyone.

I have been reading posts everyday, but this is my first post after losing my DD almost 4 weeks ago. It's strange that this is the first topic I have felt compelled to post in, I just wanted to share my story.
My DH and I hadn't really discussed names seriously, even though I was 25 weeks pregnant, we just hadn't really gotten around to it yet. We hadn't found out what we were having, we wanted a surprise (although I was convinced I was having a girl) so I guess the plan was to narrow it down to a couple of boys names and a couple of girls names and then choose one when we met our little one.
While on our "pre-baby holiday" in QLD, I became worried our bubba might have stopped moving. So we headed to the nearest hospital in Cairns to put our minds at ease. On our way we stopped for takeaway and in our meals my DH and I both got bottles of Coke.
I'm sure you have noticed the different names on Coke bottles and cans lately... well, we looked at our bottles and the names we got were Olivia and Grace. We both looked at each other and said what are the odds of that happening, Olivia Grace is the name of our niece!!

We continued on to Cairns hospital where I was given an ultrasound and we learnt the tragic news that our baby no longer had a heartbeat.

Leaving the hospital in absolute shock, we drove back to our resort to pack so we could fly home to deliver our baby and be with family and friends. On the drive, we stopped again at the same takeaway and ordered the same meals as earlier in the day.
We looked at our bottles of Coke. The names were Nicholas and Lucy.
My husband looked at me and laughing through his tears, he said "well it's decided then.. Lucy if it's a girl and Nicholas if it's a boy!"
I instantly fell in love with the name Lucy, it was perfect.
We were in a really strange head space so at the time it felt completely fitting that these 2 Coke bottles would make such an important decision for us it.

I wouldn't change it for the world. She looked just like a Lucy, she was beautiful. So Lucy Bella was perfect for her.

[mzcatieboo]

DH had no idea on names when i was pregnany with DS1 so i wrote a list with the 2. Middle names we had agree'd on & he chose Declan Frank Roger for DS1... DD he chose her 1st name & i chose her middle names Maddison Isabella Lee as for DS2 he was a suprise baby after being told we couldnt have anymore without fertility help.. I wasn't keen on the name he had chosen but once DS1 said it i fell in love sadly he was still born & his 2 middle names were already after 2 family members that had passed away Levi Robert Michael... If we have another boy he will have Levi as part of his middle name.

Doing the lists of what you like & he likes then swapping and crossing em out has worked for family members but i no how it feels to argue over bubs name...

Good luck & hope you both can agree & the fighting stops cox

[jacklicky]

My DH and I have the same issues. Since I 'apparently' choose DD's name he feels he should name this one. My memory was I put together two lists of about 15 names for boys and 15 for girls and gave them to DH to look over, cross out what he liked or didn't and add what he wanted. DH is a bit lazy so just crossed out all the names he didn't like but never added anything to the lists.... We got down to three names for each and left it there. On the way into the hospital DH said.....so are these our names and I said yeap I like them.....

This time around we had to do IVF......I went through allot of procedures because DH didn't want to go through one procedure (he would have preferred not to have another baby - but knew it was a deal breaker for me) so when we discussed it he said that given what I had to to have this bub he would let me name it. I said I would still not name bubs anything that he didn't like but would do the list thing again.....Anyhow just after we had our 12wk scan DH said he wanted to find out the sex....he knows I don't so he started arguing over that saying that I'm not the only one involved with making this baby and he should get a say...the he says "I'm naming this baby aren't I seeing as how you named DD?".... I'm like WTF that's not what we agreed to?????

So anyway he has suggested one name so far 'Petra'...there is no way I'm having a baby named Petra.....but I decided that I wont argue about it just now. We still have a while until we have to decide so I'm going to wait until after Xmas and then I have said to DH to have a list of names he likes....we will combine with mine and go from there....who knows if it will work....I guess someone has to make the final decision but I am hoping at least it might be something we both like.....

Goodluck!

[Rowellen]

OMG DH's should just not be allowed to choose the name

I got lucky with DS. I had a name I was set on but DH wouldn't budge. So I suggested it for a middle name & he could pick the first from my list. I gave him a list of about 20 names in order of my preference & he picked the number two name on it. I had left DS's middle name as number 1 JIC he changed his mind .

With DD, we had a lot more trouble. Everything on my list was "too weird" or he knew someone with that name. You know - I went to preschool with an X. In another state. & has never seen or heard of them since. And of course his input was non-existent . We did eventually agree and again I got lucky with my number 2 name

I had decided if he couldn't suggest any names or like any of mine, then I would just choose it myself and tell him at the birth. I don't think that would have went down well though since he's a bit of a control freak.

To stop the arguments though, I just stopped talking about it until it was getting closer. You still have a long time to think about it so just let it go for a couple weeks. My DH just simply couldn't understand the need to bond and refused to think about names when he still had months to go. If it's really important to you to choose a name early, maybe explain as best you can about bonding and then ask him to prepare a list of 20 names he likes by say 20 weeks. And tell him if he doesn't, then you'll take it as consent for you to choose the name and then never mention it again until the birth

[Nai]

We did a list each and then compared - any names that showed up on both were automatically in and the rest were up for negotiation. If there were valid reasons as to why they wouldn't work then they got crossed off. If it was just an "I don't like" then it was moved to the potential middle name list.

We were very lucky though with DD1 her names were on both lists and it was an automatic choice. With DD2 we had decided on the first name and DD1 chose the middle name (actually she came up with the idea of using that name too) so DD2 has the name of our OB as her middle name as DD1 adored our OB.