Family dynamics once members marry.

[*EJ*]

I don't want this to be a b!$ch session about how good/bad you have it, i'm more curious about the whys??

In my family dynamics i get along with the family i have married into the best i could hope for. Not all members do but i try not to get involved, i don't want conflict and i just want to get along. I get along well with my MIL & FIL.

In my family it's smaller and seems much more strained. It feels as though my brother is drifting away from us and he has or will be marring into a family with very strong willed even overbearing woman (being SIL to be and her mother). I get along well with my mother and father.

I do my best to not get in the way of any of my DH's relationships with any of his family memebers, they are too important to loose.

But i was just wondering on the general concensus out there of how families stick together or drift apart once marriage, MIL, FIL, BIL & SIL are involved?

I'm a mother of two boys and 1 girl. When i see my brother drifting away from our family i do have this horrible feeling that it could be an unavoidable path that is travelled. I'd be devistated if lost my boys once they were married.

Is it common that the daughter's (female) relationship with her family stays stronger than the sons?

Or is it all just to do with individual families??

Thanks ladies it's something i've been trying to get my head around for some time now. I'm just looking for your thoughts possibly based on opinions and expereince

[nothing2lose]

I guess every case is different, but two of my brothers have "drifted away" since marrying. But both spend a lot of time with their wife's families.
With regards to DP and I, we spend more time with his family (largely due to geography), but I havent "drifted away" emotionally from my parents like my brothers have.

[BeautifulMadness]

I get along very well with my inlaws.

Probably better then my own family lol

My hubbys family is very family focused so they r a close family

[*EJ*]

Thanks N2L. I think there will be a big part of it that does depend on individual family dynamics but was just wondering what may stand out stronger.

BeautifulMadness I enjoy my relationship with my MIL, it's also a little easier than the one i have with my mother at times

I feel like i've lost my brother in my 'family' i do my best to keep in touch with him myself but as for family get togethers there's always a reason why they aren't able to make it.

[grub17]

ej i get along with my inlaws quite well and it is usually me who organises bday/xmas/dad/mum day gifts, cards, phone calls. I also organise video calls with them... we live ver very far away from them but my husband definitely seems to have drifted away in the last few years. He used to call them every week but it's lucky to be once a month thesedays and usually because I remind him. He hardly talks to his sister at all, they were once close and are very fond of each other... but she's not part of our lives really.

I am still close to my family and despite anotehr big distance geography-wise, I am very emotionally involved... i know most of their day to day happenings and all the things taht are going on there.

My brother lives about 800km away from my parents, is not married but works alot... he's definitely drifted from the family circle more than us girls have.

I don't know if this holds true for everyone, but I find it does just seem to be a bloke thing lol... probably just part of htat great communication gene they come with!

[AwesomeFoursome]

I think it is all just to do with individual families. I am one of 9 and I get along with some more than others but we live away from all of them so I don't is them as often as I like.

With the inlaws it is a very strained relationship for both me n Dh. Mil hasn't come to visit her grandkids since DD2's christening in May. Fil - me and the kids have met him once. Bil is getting married to Dh ex-wife so that is very very strained there.

[Purple Penguin]

My DH doesn't have a great relationship with his mother but gets along really well with my mum, and he does spend a lot of time with my family, but we do also spend a decent amount of time with his family because it is important to him as well.

[RhiChiChi]

My family is very close, even though Dad & Mum divorced and Dad remarried. Whilst we don't see my Dad as much, we still are close and try to see him as much as possible, however his wife is very family orientated too, so he gets pulled in her direction a bit more. I rarely see my mums sisters or cousins from that side of the family, due to my mum having a falling out with her sisters. But when I do see them, we get along. Same with my Dads brother & his wife - they don't like my Dads wife, so we don't see them as much but I do make an effort to see my cousin on that side who has a DD roughly the same age as my DD b/c they get along well & I like my cousin. My IL's live interstate and are really great. I get along with others more than some but that is mainly due to age I think plus I am a little hard to get along with b/c I tend to observe alot. My FIL & step-MIL are good people and easy to get along with for the most of the time, although my MIL can be very strongly opinionated & I think she favours her biological children & grandchildren more than my DH & our DD, but we also live in another state, so that could be it. My MIL is deceased but we got along.

I can't see my my family ever not getting along. My Sister gets married in the New Year & I know she will spend more time with her IL's but she does now & her fiance knows how important her family is to her, so I assume it will be shared equally. Same with my brother, he gets married later in the year & his fiances family is just lovely, so I think all in all, not much will change for us.

[jacklicky]

I get along with DH's family...but they all live interstate or overseas and have a completly different family dynamic to our family.

I have two sisters and a brother....and my sisters and I are extremely close to each other and my mum and dad (although he is in a nursing home now). My brother and i were extremely close up until he married his wife.....but she is extremely close to her family. I dont think its a case of one against each other but I would always choose to spend time with my mum over my mil only because I feel more comfortable around my family (and I assume my SIL feels the same about her family). My bro and SIL have just had their first baby so it will be interesting to see how that changes the situation as her family have much older cousins where as our side will be much closer in age so that 'may' bring us closer together again.

My DH's family (aside from his father who no one in the family hardly ever sees) is lovely. its just his mum and sister (and their partners/kids) but they all pretty much have been living seperatly since my DH was 15 (boarding school) so never really had that super close family bond that my family have. They dont have Xmas, easter or birthday traditions....They get along really well when they are together and I always feel welcome....and I am looking forward to having my SIL and family move back here in the next few years....

[Trillian]

I think it depends on the existing dymanics of the individual families. I don't think there is a 'blanket' thing that happens. With my family, we're not a close bunch anyway - certainly not the 'in your pocket socialising all the time' way so I don't have much to do with them anyway. To put it blanky, I am a totally different person to my siblings and if they weren't my siblings they wouldn't be people I'd be friends with kwim? I socialise with Mum though and am close to her. Dh's family on the other hand I'm very close to and we socialise a lot. I have a great relationship with the IL's. Dh and his sister are very close to his family, his sister is especially close. Their brother isn't as close. He's always tended to be the outsider of the family and his wife comes from a real 'plum in the throat' family who are all extremely close and they all talk to each other every day nearly andwhen there are 6 kids and parents in the family SIL's life is one big phonecall LOL. So he is drawn more to his wifes family than his own and spends more time running around after them than his own family. But that's always been the dynamics of DH's family anyway, so marriage never really changed any of it.

As for my own kids. I have no idea what will happen there. Maybe one of them will marry someone who is rather hard to like and that might strain things, but maybe it wont. I'll worry about it when it happens I suppose LOL.

[AngelPants]

In my experience it is a bloke thing but depends a lot on the man and the family. I have a very close relationship with everyone in the family inc. the ILs but if it was up to DH we would rarely see his family despite them all living less than 2 min away. Before we had DS we didn't really see them but now i make sure we see then at least once a week where possible.
As a kid we never had much to do with dad's family purely cos he was slack and i regret not having that bond with them that I have with my mums family who we are really close to.

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[peanutter]

I think it depends completely on the people involved, and how adaptable they are.

I've seen some situations where a son/daughter never seems to get recognised and respected as an adult, and as a husband/wife/parent - and so there's a strain and sometimes a deterioration in the relationship ...

Other times, one family is a closer knit family than the other, or they're more physically affectionate, or generous, or already have regular meet-ups and so those dynamics continue on into the marriage, and so while the couple still meet up with family A every week/month/whatever, or chat and email regularly, the other family is only seen for special occasions and accordingly, that relationship isn't as rich - because they aren't as aware of what is going on with the family.

We are starting to see that with DS's relationship with his grandparents ... we see my family every Sunday for lunch, and then also for birthdays (between the whole family, that's 11 of us per annum!) and then special lunches for Christmas, Easter, Mothers' Day and Fathers' Day ... and my family are big on presents - it might just be a $10 toy, or home made cookies - it's not about the money - but it's a real display of love. My PIL on the other hand almost never invite us around, and they've seen DS maybe 10 times ... they love him very much, but there's no structure to the relationship, and so it's not clear whether DS actually recognises them ... and while they are generous (eg: if we were in financial trouble, I have no doubt they would assist, or let us move in or whatever) they don't seem to be "gift" people. If we asked, I'm sure we would receive ... but should we have to ask?

All this means that I am a little concerned that as DS gets older, he will heavily favour my family, because he sees them more, and they are so much more expressive about their love.

As an adult, I know that my in laws adore DS just as much ... but in their own way ...

[Jennifer13]

In our families, we are closer to mine emotionally than my DP's, even though they live close by. But that's because my MIL has a personality disorder and is very hard to manage. Her behavior caused issues amongst DP and his brother too. Despite my family having had huge issues years ago, our rifts are mostly healed. I have two sisters and a Mum, no brothers.

Both of my sisters are also closer to our family of origin than their ILs. In one case, the ILs all live o/s and in the other interstate (but in the second case that wouldn't change the dynamic, since it's a separated family and a MIL with issues as well - we can sure pick them!).

While my sisters and I would fit the gender theory of girls being closer, I think it's really just circumstance and chance.

When I was growing up, we were the ones who lived away. For a long time, we were probably closer to my Mum's family, but that's more because I have lots of cousins the same age on that side. As an adult, I see both sides (uncles, aunts and my surviving Grandma), even though my Dad is not in the picture. I am closer to my cousins on my Mum's side, because we're all at the same life stage (and I only have one younger cousin on the other side).

[Cherished]

I really believe like anything, it depends on the people involved, gender doesn't play a role at all. Each individual travels their own path in life and you choose if you want to be close to that path or not. In the case of my brother we drifted apart regardless of his relationships and we are closer with dh's dad than I am with my mum etc. It really is all so different. There's heaps of people out there who will keep the peace and not say anything just to keep the family peace, what ends up happening then is there's a big fat elephant on the christmas table instead on genuine family catching up kwim?

[ElleJay]

Im not too sure tbh.

I personally get along with all my IL's - My MIL is like a 2nd mother to me, my FIL is just this strong and silent type which reminds me so much of my dad and he's always there for us, and even though my BIL can be a PITA at times, who isn't really?!

As for my DH, he gets along with my mum and brother - but I'm putting it down to the fact that they live in Melbourne and we only see them once a year! Him and my dad tend to get along really well as does he and my grandmother
That's just my 2 cents worth

[*EJ*]

Thanks for the input ladies, there are lots of varying answers out there.

My MIL and FIL work their butts off to keep their family together and to make family occasions meaningfull. Not all memembers make this easy. My DH is guilty of being happy to skip occasions but it is me who will say 'no we should go'. His lazyish attitude and the way my brother is seaming to be made me wonder about the gender side of it.

I feel it is important to keep the family unit together in some way especially now there are children involved. Their relationships as cousins are important to me.

I also have this memory of my grandparents being this magical part of my childhood and i want that for my kids.

I am starting to think that i am a very family orientated person and the hopes and expectations i have maybe aren't what everyone else has.

We never had a whole lot to do with my dad's side of the family and i think that has something to do with them accepting my mum. It's only recently that they are in touch with us again and i think the children (our chidlren) have a large part to do with that. We barely knew my grandmother on dad's side but now she really wants to know her great grandchildren.

There's heaps of people out there who will keep the peace and not say anything just to keep the family peace, what ends up happening then is there's a big fat elephant on the christmas table instead on genuine family catching up kwim?

cherished1 i know what you are saying about the keeping the family peace and issues that can arise within families. No one wants the big fat elephant as a member of their family but when it comes to family i would do my best to sort whatever it is out to keep that family unit going.

Family really does come in all shapes and sizes