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Everyone says they grow up too fast......Am I not enjoying my daughter enough?
Everyone else I know whose kids have had birthdays recently has been saying things like they grow too fast, where has the time gone, you know how it goes. But me? My daughter just turned 2 and I couldn't wait for it to get here. She's been such a terrible sleeper with 3 to 4 hour battles and half a dozen wake ups every single night of her life that I'm wondering if all the struggles has made me enjoy her less? I can't help hoping that sooner or later surely she'll have to grow out of it eventually.... I don't know, I love being her mummy, even with all the battles, but I'm not sad that she's not still a baby at all, what's wrong with me?
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I think certain aspects go too fast. Like the first time they discover things, etc.
My DD has only just started sleeping through and she's just shy of three. For me, that area of her life couldn't come quick enough. Same as her fussy eating habits. I wish she'd get older so she'd understand to try more things. But other things, like next year she'll be in kinder, the time has absolutely flown. Does that make sense?
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I think it does make sense yes thanks
How did you cope with the night waking so long? I've given up on the night weaning as that makes it worse, and she still gets the boob but it's incredibly painful now that we're pregnant again. Hubby has moved himself into the spare room coz he can't deal with her wwake ups anymore either. Her own bed she'll rarely use at all. And I'm just now in a state of exhaustion all the time, don't think I have the strength to try night weaning anymore, or keeping her in her bed
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I think it does make sense yes thanks
How did you cope with the night waking so long? I've given up on the night weaning as that makes it worse, and she still gets the boob but it's incredibly painful now that we're pregnant again. Hubby has moved himself into the spare room coz he can't deal with her wwake ups anymore either. Her own bed she'll rarely use at all. And I'm just now in a state of exhaustion all the time, don't think I have the strength to try night weaning anymore, or keeping her in her bed
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I don't think there is anything wrong with how you feel, everyone is differentI was talking about something similar with a friend of mine recently. She said that when her son learns something new she can't wait for him to expand on it, for example when he said 'car' she wanted him to start saying 'blue car' if that makes sense. So she also felt like she wasn't enjoying him either, you're not alone.
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nothing wrong with you at all. i was super looking forward to ds2 turning 1 and becoming upright. i really didn't enjoy that year much. doesn't mean i don't love em to bits, but I'm not really a 'newborn' kinda person- more a 'kid' person iykwim?
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It is a phrase we all use loosly. As PRMG said, yes, some thing seem to drag while others are suddenly there.
I remember when DD1 was born they handed me the kinder forms to dill in. That time seemed years away but was suddenly there I was answering the letter of acceptance for her to go to kinder.
We all enjoy our children and milestones at different times to others. It does not mean we enjoy them any less. I can understand the sleep issue, my DD2 was over 3 before she slept through.
Just remember, when she has outgrown one stage another will replace it. It is how we learn and how they learn. Mind you it can be very frustrating but that is the joy of parenting
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I will openly admit I'm not into babies. I love both my girls but I would have been happy for them to come out toddlers. As my DD1 gets older, I enjoy her more and more as she becomes a person who can interact and contribute. Babies are kind of boring and needy blobs to me, sorry! I think DD2 is cute and I know I am a good Mum to her, I am happy to meet her needs always as required but I can't wait till she hits about 18 months lol. Some people just aren't baby people, I never felt clucky or sad once DD1 left babyhood for toddler town and I'm almost 100% sure I won't with DD2 either although she is our last. I don't think there is anything wrong with that really, I make the most of my bubs but give me a child any day! I don't think it was related to their sleep although my DD1 only started sleeping through a month or so before DD2 arrived but I started to enjoy her the most around when she started walking and that seems to grow daily so long before that worked itself out.
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I tend to enjoy the stage they're in more than the one they left behind. While I love my babies, them getting some independence is something I really enjoyed!
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I could have written that post myself - and I have good sleepers and very easy babies so is not a sleep deprivation thing - I am just not into babies, I can't wait for DS to be DD's age. I love him, and I do enjoy him but I have never thought oh is sad to see my baby go. Some people are really into babies, some are not so I think you are totally normal. We are not having any more, I had previously thought that if money was no issue I would love more than two but now think even if we had a lot of money I would not want anymore because I don't love the baby phase, if they could come out at 2 years old I think I would think differently. People will say some of the comments you mention just for something to say, or because they think it is expected so don't worry about it everyone is different. Pre-children I was never clucky at all, I wanted to have children and having a baby was the way to achieve that. I do my very best for them when they are babies but I feel it comes more naturally with them as toddlers.
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no way im the same im sick of jazzy being up so late and not sleeping and i also want jamie to outgrow pooing on is carpet but i like kids more than babies aswell
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DD1 is about to start school this week and I have been pondering the same question. In our case she is still not a great sleeper, so have often felt exhausted and like we were missing something ITMS. The exhaustion mixed with working, DD2, life and family demands has meant that things have not necessarily gone to plan - so we sometimes feel like we have not enjoyed/acheived/x enough.....However I do think the reality of juggling everything with little timeout has not helped our situation. Can you organise timeout for yourself and DH (together and separately) so you can come back to your DD and each other refreshed/renewed? We also took ages to let the housework/garden go a little and just enjoy each other which was key here for us. xxxx
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You reminded me of this article I read the other day
Don't Carpe Diem
Every time I'm out with my kids -- this seems to happen:
An older woman stops us, puts her hand over her heart and says something like, "Oh, Enjoy every moment. This time goes by so fast."
Everywhere I go, someone is telling me to seize the moment, raise my awareness, be happy, enjoy every second, etc, etc, etc.
I know that this message is right and good. But, I have finally allowed myself to admit that it just doesn't work for me. It bugs me. This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life - while I'm raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I'm not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I'm doing something wrong.
I think parenting young children (and old ones, I've heard) is a little like climbing Mount Everest. Brave, adventurous souls try it because they've heard there's magic in the climb. They try because they believe that finishing, or even attempting the climb are impressive accomplishments. They try because during the climb, if they allow themselves to pause and lift their eyes and minds from the pain and drudgery, the views are breathtaking. They try because even though it hurts and it's hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard. These moments are so intense and unique that many people who reach the top start planning, almost immediately, to climb again. Even though any climber will tell you that most of the climb is treacherous, exhausting, killer. That they literally cried most of the way up.
And so I think that if there were people stationed, say, every thirty feet along Mount Everest yelling to the climbers -- "ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!? IF NOT, YOU SHOULD BE! ONE DAY YOU'LL BE SORRY YOU DIDN'T!" TRUST US!! IT'LL BE OVER TOO SOON! CARPE DIEM!" -- those well-meaning, nostalgic cheerleaders might be physically thrown from the mountain.
Now. I'm not suggesting that the sweet old ladies who tell me to ENJOY MYSELF be thrown from a mountain. These are wonderful ladies. Monkees, probably. But last week, a woman approached me in the Target line and said the following: "Sugar, I hope you are enjoying this. I loved every single second of parenting my two girls. Every single moment. These days go by so fast."
At that particular moment, Amma had arranged one of the new bras I was buying on top of her sweater and was sucking a lollipop that she must have found on the ground. She also had three shop-lifted clip-on neon feathers stuck in her hair. She looked exactly like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras. I couldn't find Chase anywhere, and Tish was grabbing the pen on the credit card swiper thing WHILE the woman in front of me was trying to use it. And so I just looked at the woman, smiled and said, "Thank you. Yes. Me too. I am enjoying every single moment. Especially this one. Yes. Thank you."
That's not exactly what I wanted to say, though.
There was a famous writer who, when asked if he loved writing, replied, "No. but I love having written." What I wanted to say to this sweet woman was, "Are you sure? Are you sure you don't mean you love having parented?"
I love having written. And I love having parented. My favorite part of each day is when the kids are put to sleep (to bed) and Craig and I sink into the couch to watch some quality TV, like Celebrity Wife Swap, and congratulate each other on a job well done. Or a job done, at least.
Every time I write a post like this, I get emails suggesting that I'm being negative. I have received this particular message four or five times -- G, if you can't handle the three you have, why do you want a fourth?
That one always stings, and I don't think it's quite fair. Parenting is hard. Just like lots of important jobs are hard. Why is it that the second a mother admits that it's hard, people feel the need to suggest that maybe she's not doing it right? Or that she certainly shouldn't add more to her load. Maybe the fact that it's so hard means she IS doing it right...in her own way...and she happens to be honest.
Craig is a software salesman. It's a hard job in this economy. And he comes home each day and talks a little bit about how hard it is. And I don't ever feel the need to suggest that he's not doing it right, or that he's negative for noticing that it's hard, or that maybe he shouldn't even consider taking on more responsibility. And I doubt anybody comes by his office to make sure he's ENJOYING HIMSELF. I doubt his boss peeks in his office and says: "This career stuff...it goes by so fast...ARE YOU ENJOYING EVERY MOMENT IN THERE, CRAIG???? CARPE DIEM, CRAIG!"
My point is this. I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn't enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasn't in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn't MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I'd wake up and the kids would be gone, and I'd be the old lady in the grocery store with my hand over my heart. Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.
But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here's what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:
"It's helluva hard, isn't it? You're a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She's my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime." And hopefully, every once in a while, I'll add -- "Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up -- I'll have them bring your groceries out."
Anyway. Clearly, Carpe Diem doesn't work for me. I can't even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question.
Here's what does work for me:
There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. It's regular time, it's one minute at a time, it's staring down the clock till bedtime time, it's ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it's four screaming minutes in time out time, it's two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.
Then there's Kairos time. Kairos is God's time. It's time outside of time. It's metaphysical time. It's those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day. And I cherish them.
Like when I actually stop what I'm doing and really look at Tish. I notice how perfectly smooth and brownish her skin is. I notice the perfect curves of her teeny elf mouth and her asianish brown eyes, and I breathe in her soft Tishy smell. In these moments, I see that her mouth is moving but I can't hear her because all I can think is -- This is the first time I've really seen Tish all day, and my God -- she is so beautiful. Kairos.
Like when I'm stuck in chronos time in the grocery line and I'm haggard and annoyed and angry at the slow check-out clerk. And then I look at my cart and I'm transported out of chronos. And suddenly I notice the piles and piles of healthy food I'll feed my children to grow their bodies and minds and I remember that most of the world's mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just stare at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.
Or when I curl up in my cozy bed with Theo asleep at my feet and Craig asleep by my side and I listen to them both breathing. And for a moment, I think- how did a girl like me get so lucky? To go to bed each night surrounded by this breath, this love, this peace, this warmth? Kairos.
These kairos moments leave as fast as they come- but I mark them. I say the word kairos in my head each time I leave chronos. And at the end of the day, I don't remember exactly what my kairos moments were, but I remember I had them. And that makes the pain of the daily parenting climb worth it.
If I had a couple Kairos moments during the day, I call it a success.
Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day.
Good enough for me.
2014 BellyBelly RAK Recipient.
We went through stages. DD weaned at 14 months but for some time before that, I realised that a hug would suffice instead of a middle of the night feed. From 8 months old, whenever she would wake, we'd put her in our bed, so we all got some sort of sleep. As she got older, we tried putting her back into her own bed which ended up being numerous times each night, so we stopped. Then I started to sleep on the floor of her room, so when she woke and tried to get up, I could let her know that I was right there, and she would stay in her bed. After a few nights, I'd start to sleep in her room, then after she woke and went back to sleep, I'd go back to my bed, to a few nights later trying to be in my bed all night. It worked for a few days and then we were back to the same original pattern of her coming into our bed. Recently she stayed in her bed all night of her own accord, so we started encouraging her to do it and she has. It's only now that I'm getting a proper sleep at night that I've realised how tired I was. Having her in our bed gave me a restless sleep. She doesn't have a day sleep either, stopped that around the time she was one. I wish there was an easy answer, but in our case, DD sorted it all out herself.
Heaven - I read that blog too, it's a great post.
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Some great posts so I won't reiterate...but I wanted to say I enjoyed it more the second time around, because I had a better perspective on the idea this too shall pass....that the good bits pass as well as the bad, so you have to really take note of their milestones etc, because it's so had to remember it all once it's passed.
As for night wake ups, my dd sounds like yours and I did night wean her when pg with ds on e advice of my midwife. It's not a walk in the park, but it really helps. Tandem feeding in the night is not something I ever wanted to do.
Do you want to try night weaning again? I had bananas and water by the bed and really opened my heart to her struggles and soothed her with validation and acceptance of her rage. I was also prepared to get up in the nit and play or watch tv or whatever if she couldn't settle. For us it only took a few night before she stopped asking for boob, but a few weeks to stop the waking.
Good luck!
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I don't think there's anything wrong with you. You're tired, you're frustrated...
FWIW, my DH looks at older kids doing cool things like going snorkelling, going on fun rides, enjoying time with their parents and asks how old they are, then plans when we will be able to do those kind of things.
We took our kids to a trout farm recently and DH loved it. DD was great, DS still a bit little, but my DH is loving having older kids. He interacts better with them, he deals better with them, he handles them better. He can't handle the grizzling - when something is wrong but they can't communicate what and he finds it hard to deal with.
So no, I don't think you're strange at all.
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Well I'm clucky for my upcoming newborn again but I do understand - my DH enjoys DS much more now than he ever has (at just over 2.5). I think though that every age has its pro's and cons - with a energetic toddler there is not as much down time IMO, shopping for instance takes soooooo much time with an inquisitive toddler whereas I found it easy with a little baby who would happily sleep in his pram between feeds, but every baby/child is different. I enjoy outings more as a family though and seeing the world through my toddlers eyes
Dont be so hard on yourself phynna, its impossible to enjoy every moment (and on some days its near impossible to enjoy any moments), and throw in a bit of sleep deprivation and it just makes this parenting gig even more challenging
Have also read that article Heaven, and it make me laugh (and nod)
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Heaven thanks for that, was a really helpful read. Especially with how frankly that lady writes too
Arcadia, I'm thinking I'll try again when 2nd trimester energy kicks back in, just too sick in the daytimes and too tooooo exhausted at night to deal with her fights at the moment.
PakRak I've been wondering about giving my girl a queen bed that I have spare, so that I can comfortably do the transition back to her bed again, she has a toddler bed now, but not so good for me to be holding her to sleep to be cramped up in it and half hanging out. Plus Elly's a sprawler so I think it might be a better transition.now have to psyche myself up for it all over again.
Thanks everyone for all your comforts and advices. Guess I'm succumbing to the preg hormones and gettingg all emotional on top of the sleep deprivation and not doing myself too many favours. You've all raised my outlook a lot ,thanks
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