Honestly, am i crazy??

[rollercoaster2117]

Hey girls, i didnt know where else to turn, so i came here. I just really hope you can help

As everyone else, hubby and i are battling infertility. Ivf cycle no 1: cancelled (Ohss) Cycle no 2: negative cycle no 3: tww (not confidenent with this fet). But anyway, we are on the ivf rollercoaster and have been trying for 4 years. The biggest problem is me, hubby has a low-ish sperm count, but im the one with the weird ovulation.
Anyway, my brothers girldfriend has recently had a child, it's a month old. They were never planning to have a child, it just happened. When they told us, it was in front of a heap of people and my reaction was nothing like i imagined. I broke down, balled my eyes out. But anyway, now im getting the grief from my parents to see this baby, but i really cant bare too. Its not that i begrudge them, or im jealous, its because she could do so easily what i want so badly. Even seeing photo's of this beautiful little baby make my eyes well up.
I really miss seeing my brother and his girlfriend, and want to be the best aunty, but its hurts so so much. (trying to type through tears) It just makes me realise that im failing in the area i most want to achieve in. I feel like no one understands apart from hubby, but even then im unsure.
Infertility is a bastard. Ivf is worse. Its not just the outcome of having a child that worries you. Its the scans. Are my eggs big enough, do i have enough, do i have too many, is my lining any good. Its the meds, its the epu, the transfer, the tww, the finacial side, its everything. So whilst we struggle to get through each cycle, and it mentally screws you, we have other stressors. Family life, stupid expectations, family that doesnt understand, work pressure.... Its never ending.
Ive had my cry, i feel a little better now. Please, am i crazy or being silly?

Thanks girls
xox
Roller

[jacklicky]

No not being silly at all. I would probably write a short note to your brother and girlfriend and say how pleased you are for them but because of all the above you are struggling a bit but hope to be able to see them soon....but you know them and know if this approach will work. I wouldn't make anyone guilt you into going to see bubs when you aren't ready.

We were told IVF would be easy for us....but it still took a year for us to get a sticky bubs and in that time nearly everyone I knew had babies.....its hard when I was going through another loss to be happy for someone else....All the appointments, bt, injections, scans....they all are a reminder that things arent easy...There are plenty of us that understand what you are going through but I dont think anyone who hasnt gone through it will ever really understand even if they want to....

Hugs, I hope you can talk to someone who is supportive of you and helps you through a really difficult time.

[jojo1976]

No your not crazy, your human....
You will get though this - I went through something similar with a very close friend - I did feel everything you have explained and I hated myself for it. I really wanted to be happy but I was broken on the inside. I didnt avoid her & she never knew how I felt, I just put on a brave face.
I think we have to go through the different motions at times with IVF - it doesnt make you a bad person.
The thing that suprised me was when my fiend had her baby I was so happy and I spoilt her and the baby like crazy.
Stay strong, people dont understand and thats not their fault either - they wish they could.
We are all here for you. xx

[Keta]

I wanted to send you big hugs Rollercoaster. I have only had friends announce their pregnancy since ttc but dread the fact that very soon at least one or two of mine or Dh siblings will announce they are Pg (with their second). I don't wish them the trouble I am having I am just envious and scared of my reaction. Take your time. With a friend I sent a gift and card whig brought some extra time. I think with family there will be higher expectation I go straight away and I think when this happens I will make it a short visit, cry before hand and cry after. It hurts and there is just no denying. It doesn't make you selfish, it makes you totally normal. Big hugs sweet.

[grub17]

you aren't silly. it took us 3 yrs for DS and you know what, when we went back for number two, it was first transfer and bam! it worked like that! so you just never know lovely.

one thing we did, which was great, is we never told anyone we were doing IVF. it stopped all pressure and questions. when asked when we were planning on starting ivf, we would just say we were still saving for it and will do it "later next year maybe''.

hope you get your sticky bubs soon love. big big big hugs.

oh, and i agree with pp, a little note or something to let them know, it's not them, it's not the baby, it's that you have been through such a rough time and are struggling. And just one thing, you might find that holding this little bub such a joy. it will be hard, but if your bro and sil are understanding that it will be hard, it might actually be good for you iykwim. I hope your bro understands and lets you be ready when you are ready! oxox

[~ Mylitta ~]

It's such a tough rollercoaster of emotions. You couldn't predict how you were going to feel about your brother having a baby, and you also can't help those feelings. Have you spoken to your brother and his girlfriend about how you are feeling? I'm sure they would be very understanding considering what you are going through. Maybe when you speak to them you could ask them if you could come and see them and the baby with them quite aware that you may break down in tears. You might find that your reaction to the baby is different to what you expect. And even if you do break down, well your brother and his girlfriend would be prepared that it might happen, and it's not going to hurt the baby at all. It may even help you with the grief over your own situation.

Big hugs to you ♥

[~ Mylitta ~]

one thing we did, which was great, is we never told anyone we were doing IVF. it stopped all pressure and questions.

We did this too. To this day there are only BB girls, my parents and maybe 2-3 other people that even know that our daughter was an ICSI/PGD bub.

[myturn]

oh sweetheart! I totally fear that I will do that too!!!! It's awful! People just don't understand - they think you are jealous.... but it's not that at all!! I was saying this in the LTTTC & AC thread (I think it was there!!) just the other day.... family in particular, think you 'should' be able to put your feelings aside and 'suck it up' for your sister/brother.... and it's not that simple!!!

I have already told my mum, that if someone else gets preg this year - I will NOT be happy! This year is MY year! cause it's not fair. Why do so many people get preg easily - who don't really care/ or don't look after/ or are just doing it because it's the done thing.....?

the truth is... we all feel like this... we do understand! And I would never have expected this to happen. Other people, can imagine and have empathy - but they can never truely "get it".

come and join us in the IVF threads - it's really nice in there (and I never expected to be a 'forum' person.... but its amazing how much better I feel for doing this)

[grub17]

second that Myturn. the ivf threads were such a great support to me during our time having/trying for babies.

there are ladies there who i genuinely call my friends. i've never met them or their bubs but i feel close to them for what we went through...

and they understand your point of view and are some of the funniest ladies you'll meet lol. there are just some things IVFers need to do that aren't normal - things in your butt and up your twat, cottage cheese coming out your jay jay and such joys! there is only a select group of people who can truly understand the grace of these procedures!

[myturn]

there are just some things IVFers need to do that aren't normal - things in your butt and up your twat, cottage cheese coming out your jay jay and such joys! there is only a select group of people who can truly understand the grace of these procedures!

so true grub!!!

[Miss.B]

Oh roller, you are neither silly or crazy! I fact, I have so much admiration for you hun, I think it would be awful to be trying for so long with no luck. And even harder with other pg women and little babies. I can understand the hurt you are feeling about not being able to meet your brother's baby, it would be extremely hard. Especially as they weren't even planning it, whereas you've been planning every snif, jab and poke. It's simple hun, unless you've been through IVF you will never understand what it's all about. I wish no one had to go through it. In your brother and SIL's case, I think it was pretty insensitive to announce their happy news to you in front of everyone else. They should have told you in private. I would have definitely appreciated it that much more. Some people don't think, some are just insensitive, they are not tuned into what we are going through, to get what they obviously are able get so easily, and without trying!! It's just not fair. I wish you all the luck in the wold with this cycle hun. I really hope it's going to be a nice BFP for you. Big hugs hunni and stay strong! Human spirit is hard to break and we are much, much stronger than we think .

[Mich8]

Oh rollercoaster, I got teary reading your post. I completely understand and am in the same situation ... and also don't know what to do
Just don't beat yourself up over it because that doesn't help anyone. If you can't see them, you can't!

My partner's sister announced her pregnancy (at 7 wks) on the day of my first miscarriage. While she was preg I had another miscarriage and her beautiful little boy was born 2 weeks after my baby should have been (first grandchild too!) That baby is now nearly 1 and I still find it difficult to see him - worst thing is, they live on the same street as us!! My partner spends at least an hour a day with his nephew and I see him maybe every 2 months

On one hand, if you do decide to see the baby, maybe you'll deal with it better than you think. I find I feel ok and can hold myself together while I'm with them but then feel pretty down afterwards. If you can't do it, maybe you could meet with your brother or his gf without the baby and explain it all to him/ her because your relationship with them is important - and it's not their fault. Oh and I send them gifts for the baby quite a lot through my partner which hopefully lets them know that I care, I just can't be there.

You're not alone. And you're not crazy, you're human and sometimes you just need to pretect yourself from pain overload!! Thinking of you