Desperate! How do I stop 4yo coming in to our bed every night

[AndiE]

... short of putting a lock on his door, or ours!

From the time he went in to a single bed, DS1 (4 in March) has made his way into our bed. That was over two years ago. We didn't mind DS1 co-sleeping with us initially, he was still pretty small back then and he slept soundly (usually). But in the past 12-odd months, as he's grown bigger and more restless (not to mention he either kicks the covers off him and us OR he hogs the covers). He's stealthy too ... sometimes we wake up and he's just "there", while other nights he'll stand by my side and say "mummy, MUMMY!!" until I wake up enough to sit up and let him crawl in behind me.

We've tried to put him back in his bed countless times. He ends up howling like he's heartbroken if we try to return him to his bed when he's awake, and if we put him back when he's asleep 9 times out of 10, he wakes up within 10 mins and finds his way back to us. We've tried logic, we've tried bribery, we've even put his brother in his room to see if that makes a difference.

Nup. He just wants to sleep in mummy and daddy's bed. Every night. It's a true wonder we conceived #3, and let me tell you we did have a few close calls

So ... how are we going to get him to sleep happily in his OWN bed from 7pm-7am? Particularly as my pregnancy advances and there's even less room in our bed!!

What worked for you? I'm desperate and will welcome any advice

[minniemouse]

hey andie,

we had our 5 year old in bed with us every night for about 2 years, she just started it one night and kept it up, it used to drive us insane as she would be in and out of the bed all night and alternating between our bed and the mattress we had on the floor for her (have you tried a mattress on the floor for him, or even one of those pull out kids lounges). we tried star charts, bribery etc and she just didn't care, the thing that worked was just a fluke, both kids go to gymnastics and one day the teacher of our 3 year olds class said kids should sleep in their own beds and not their parents and she heard and from that night she stopped just like that, in the last 6 months she has come in 3 times and only a night here or there, not 3 in a row, SO much better for us all.

so my tip is try and get a friend (or someone your DS considers an authority person) to mention how big boys sleep in their own beds and fingers crossed it works !

[Mak]

Andi - I have a 5 yr old who still gets in about 11pm everynight. TBH we've been through all sorts of not sleeping and I have had to come to peace with it as she has gotten quite stressed about it. I so understand how exhausted and tired you must be but I would tread really carefully about mentioning it too much - has caused no end of upset and anxiety, especially from well meaning helpers. Just my experience and I do realise you are at a crisis point.
We got a cheapo king sized bed and that has helped heaps just from sheer size of sleeping space. Good luck I really hope you do better at finding a solution than we have so far.

[Arimeh]

DS is 5 and on a mattress next to our bed. This is a recent thing, he was always sleeping with us.

But - now he has to go on a mattress next to the bed cos there is no room in the bed. We already have 5 in the bed most nights. (there were 5 in the bed, and the big mama said - I just want some FREAKIN' SLEEP!!!)

Last night DH got up to get DD3 who was crying and bring her into our bed, and nearly trod on DD1 who had camped out near the door, asleep, on a triangle pillow.. bahahahahaha

Sooo... obviously I have no advice because all my kids sleep with me! LOL

[Phteven]

I have ceded the territory - I get out of bed and go and sleep in a vacated bed.

[~Ash~]

DD slept with me until she was 3 - I decided that when she turned 4 that would be it and so we had lots of chats about her becoming a big girl in her big bed - she was already having her day sleeps in there though.

I let her pick very special new sheets and doona cover for her birthday and we put them on the day before she turned 4. That night she slept in there - kept coming in to me but I just never gave in (even though it's so tempting at 3am!!). Every time she came in I would walk her back and we would have a cuddle and the normal good night routine again.

Within less than 2 weeks she was staying in there during the night even though I knew she was waking at some point to have a drink during the night.

Good luck! I hope you find something that works!!


**Sent from my phone using Tapatalk.

[onthefly]

I was going to suggest stealing his bed....

[carolinaw]

Why not tell him how to be a brave little man from now on? Tell him sleep stories about great brave men and give him gift the fist night he sleeps alone.

[Astrid]

DD2 was horrid for this. It was not bad when she came in at 5am, but then it moved to midnight! The sleep deprivation was killing me and DH. Basically no-one was happy, as much as I am a cosleeper, it really had to stop.

We did a makeover of the girls room. New bunks, new new doona cover, painted walls etc. Lots of big talks about being a big girl and staying in her bed all night. We got 5 nights straight out of her. Every night she did so, we made a big thing of it, told childcare, who congratulated her. Let her go out and choose a present.

Prior to that, she was just laugh every time I suggested she stay in her own bed.

Been a week now, been fairly good, but this weekend was as bit bad. It can only improve though.

[Traveller]

I have ceded the territory - I get out of bed and go and sleep in a vacated bed.

I usually do this too. However recently the twins have started getting up multiple times after I put them to bed and come through to see us in the living room (they forgot to get a cuddle, they need a drink, they need a pee, any excuse basically) so I get them to pinkie promise they will stay in bed once they are there, and as a side effect they have stopped coming into our bed in the early hours too. Apparently a pinkie promise is a big deal to a 4 year old

[AndiE]

Thanks gals for your replies, it's obviously not a one-size-fits-all solution, is it.

I must say, I'm not exhausted (sorry if I gave that impression) though we do have some tiring nights when he's restless ... it's more that I'm frustrated with the ongoing situation but neither DH nor I want to traumatise DS1 in the process of getting him to sleep and stay in his own bed. We're going to move DS2 permanently into DS1's room, so we'll have another go at talking to him, try a little bribery again ... a few incentives ... and go from there.

Sigh ... I presume no teenagers sleep with their parents, so I can only imagine the day will come when he finally sleeps in his own bed.

[grub17]

i bought a pirate stamp and dubbed it the "good boy stamp" for little boys who stay in their bed all night; crap on the potty; and play nicely. He's come in a few times early early but i tell him to go back to bed and in the morning he will get a special good boy stamp.

fingers crossed it's worked about 4 nights in a row so far!

[JLeigh29]

You've gotta find his 'currency' - something he values more than coming into bed with you...maybe sleeping with his brother will do it, maybe it's a new quilt, or watching a favourite DVD, or having some special time with just Mummy and/or Daddy etc. Would a night light help? Maybe stickers and after he fills the line (5 stickers or so) he gets a present. Maybe he can have a mattress on the floor, or in the doorway...
Maybe, as someone suggested, you can start talking about what 'big' or 'brave' boys do - don't mention that he's not big or brave for NOT doing those things, but talk up how wonderful it is to be brave and sleep in your own bed all night. Could another trusted adult talk about how big boys sleep in their own beds all night (as a pp said her gym coach did)?
My friend's 10yo still has a mattress at the base of his parent's bed as far as I know....and the 4yo used to be in bed with them! But not so long ago, the 4yo for some reason didn't come in one night. She praised him up so big and told everyone else she saw that day, who also praised him, that it hasn't been an issue since.