Yelling...

[Calluna]

First of all, a bit of a parenting woohoo; I was a smacker. It was bad, it got to the point I was smacking multiple times a day and it was not in the least bit effective. It took a while, but I can honestly say, I have only smacked ONCE in the last 3 months. It is no longer the first thing that jumps to my mind when DS is being challenging. If at all. I am SO proud of that. I wish I could take back all the times I hit him. I can't, but I can resolve not to do it anymore, and I have.

Now I want to address the yelling. I hate yelling at him but sometimes it sends like the only way to get through to him. I'm pretty sure, if I can stop yelling he'll start listening, but how do I get better at not yelling when he is SO frustrating?

[*LittleMissSummer*]

You sound like me

I am very interested to learn new techniques as nothing i am currently doing is working.

[~Ash~]

Subbing coz I would love to know this too.


**Sent from my phone using Tapatalk.

[Miss E]

good for you babe! That is a huge achievement and one which you should feel really good about.

I tend to think that yelling is an effective means of getting their attention simply because it's a loud noise. If I need to get DS's attention immediately to get him to stop doing something, I clap my hands really loudly a couple of times - works just as well at stopping them in their tracks.

Wherever possible I try to talk to DS. So I squat down to his level and hold his hands and explain things. But of course, as a toddler that doesn't always work, he'll sometimes try to pull away or just continue what he's doing. At these times I pick him up and talk to him while we walk away from the situation. Generally speaking we try not to just say 'no'. I always give an explanation of why we don't do something and if possible encourage him to help rectify the situation. eg. 'we don't throw food on the floor because we get flies and ants. Come and help me clean it up'. Of course, it isn't all that effective the first time, or even the second time, but with repetition they get it. DS no longer throws food on the floor, in fact if he drops something now he wants to clean it up straight-away so we don't get flies and ants.

I think it's important to remember that they're just like us. If someone tells me 'no', it doesn't stop me from wanting to do it (if I'm honest I probably want to do it more just to rebel). But if someone explains to me why we can't do something I'm usually happy to oblige or at least discuss the reasons - toddlers are much the same I think.

HTH

[sloane]

that is a MASSIVE woohoo i want to say i'm proud of you too, but don't want to sound patronising! but that is seriously so cool!

i'm not sure about the yelling - i have yelled occasionally too & i hate doing it. i try to look at what the situation was when i did yell - i.e. was it in the car when i couldn't touch/cuddle him to try & calm things down that way, was it when i didn't remove him from other distractions (e.g. the tv was on). sometimes i just walk away for a minute because me yelling is usually a sign that i am losing control of my emotions. then i try again a few minutes later when i'm more calm. i try to tell myself that if i yell, then he will think that's what you do & i envisage things escalating over time to the two of us having a yelling match & i really don't want that. i want him to realise that things can be resolved without yelling but 2 year olds really are challenging sometimes!! i try to explain why he shouldn't do something & remove him from the situation if appropriate.

sorry, no real answer but you're definitely not alone!

[Calluna]

Miss E- I do yell to get his attention, and clap, sometimes he listens other times he ignores me. I KNOW he can heart me, which is when I lose my cool.

I don't tend to get angry when he is misbehaving, more when he ignores me. I can keep calm and explain things to him when he's (I hate this word but it's all that's coming to mind ) "being naughty". But when he plain ignores me or screams over me THAT really grates on me.

ETA- I think it's because when he is upset and I can't figure out why and he won't tell me, I can't do anything to make him happy again/ help him understand. I think it comes from frustration with myself rather than him. It's not his fault I can't work it out, it's mine ITMS?


This morning, for example, he whined and whinged from the minute we left the bedroom to when I put him in the pram to go out. 2 hours of constant whinging. I know he can tell me what's wrong, I asked him repeatedly to use his words. But he would just whinge louder. So I yelled, I'm certain it didn't help the whinging, probably made it worse, but I was so frustrated that nothing was working.

I'm sure my neighbors think I'm the mother from hell I feel like I'm yelling all the time.

[Stevie]

. I know he can tell me what's wrong, I asked him repeatedly to use his words. But he would just whinge louder. So I yelled, I'm certain it didn't help the whinging, probably made it worse, but I was so frustrated that nothing was working.

I'm sure my neighbors think I'm the mother from hell

yupp.. im hearing you.. i loose my cool a little too often. and when i do she shuts down and wont talk, just makes "baby noises" is the only way i can discribe it.. lately though, has been tough, i broke my arm and am finding EVERYTHING frustrating, ive warned everyone that i am constantly on my last straw so PLEASE bare with me. but obviously she doesnt know that.. she knows mummy has an ouch. and that its broken. but thats it.
she comes to me and says sorry to ME when i am the one who should be saying sorry.. worst mother of the year award right here
sorry, i didnt mean to overtake, i too need to find a better solution than yelling

[Rowellen]

Wait for him to turn 3

Seemed to work for my DS. Not sure if it was a coincidence but I also introduced cuddles as a distraction. Whenever he got upset I would say "do you want a cuddle". Almost every time he would calm down & do what it was I was asking quite happily. Now he sometimes asks for a cuddle before I even offer! For my DS, I think the behaviour stems from a desire to do things for himself or have control over the situation. Often he would have a meltdown if I put the toast in the toaster or something so simple like that. It was so hard to work out what it was he wanted. I try to involve him in everything now. I sometimes don't anticipate him though which leads to meltdown but it's improving. When he's ignoring me, I think it is to exercise control. That's when I tend to yell. It is so hard to keep being patient some days, particularly when he is doing it constantly. No TV helps. Idon't mean as a punishment, but just not turning it on at all. I found his behaviour is a lot better on the mornings I don't turn the TV on. I also stop for a minute if I find myself yelling. By making a conscious decision to change my behaviour, I have changed his without really trying ITMS. Anyway, that's my experience. HTH.

BTW - who cares what your neighbours think. You are a frustrated mummy doing your best.

[Miss E]

It's so hard when they get like that isn't it. Ash does it quite often too. And yes, on the occassions when I get frustrated and have yelled it has usually been these. I'm reading Parent Effectiveness Training at the moment, which I am finding really helpful in changing my mindset on these things.

What I'm trying to do now is firstly help him identify the emotion he's feeling. Saying things like 'you seem to feel sad, has something happened, was it this or this, or do you just feel sad?' or 'are you upset because Daddy had to go to work?'. Quite often this gets no response, I think sometimes they just feel sad, upset, angry, down or whatever, the way that we do. So I will say things like 'it's ok to feel sad, mummy feels sad sometimes'. And the other thing I always do, as hard as it can be at times, is offer a cuddle. Quite often he wants one and a cuddle for a couple of minutes talking about emotions or what may have made him feel that way resolves it all.

But then there are other times were he just wants to whine, grizzle, roll on the floor, whatever (god knows I have these moments sometimes too). When he's like this, I tell him that I'm going to give him some space, but if he wants a cuddle I'd love to give him one. Then I get on with what I'm doing for a couple of minutes and pop back and ask him again if he needs a cuddle or whatever. Eventually he does and once we're at that point it's pretty much over and done with.

I'm actually finding that this is really helping for my DS. And I can't recommend PET enough, I'm only half way through it, but it really is changing the way I communicate with DS which is making our relationship heaps better now and I'm sure will make it 100 times better as he gets older. The thing that I try to remember is that like us they experience all types of emotions, some of them rational, some of them not quite so rational. But they're so little they don't know how to recognise the emotion, it's cause, or how to process it. I like to think that it is my job to help him work through that emotion and develop the tools to do it on his own.

[Calluna]

Stevie, that sounds awful! Hope your arm it's better soon!


Cuddles don't happen much here, I just get pushed away. I do offer them, but he almost always says no.

He get heaps of choices, which is a whole other issue LOL ("do you want the red yoghurt or blue?" "red pease." I open the red one, screaming tantrum for blue ).

I do need to do more stopping and breathing before reacting. It's just hard in the moment.

I do the identifying emotions too, sometimes it works, other times he just screams at me more. I've had a great deal of success with that with other children (at work), but Isaac just won't stop and listen long enough to get a sentence out. Sometimes he will if I ask him to turn on his ears, sometimes not. It's very hit and miss.

But then there are other times were he just wants to whine, grizzle, roll on the floor, whatever (god knows I have these moments sometimes too). When he's like this, I tell him that I'm going to give him some space, but if he wants a cuddle I'd love to give him one. Then I get on with what I'm doing for a couple of minutes and pop back and ask him again if he needs a cuddle or whatever. Eventually he does and once we're at that point it's pretty much over and done with.

This would work sometimes I think, but what about the times where time is an issue? This morning we had to get dressed and go to the market. It took 2 hours because he was being so difficult, which meant we were an hour late to meet DF for lunch. I can't just let him go because we have things that need to be done. The same thing happened last week with playgroup. We were late because he refused to cooperate.

I'll have a look for that book, it sounds good.

[Rouge]

GO YOU!

I know it sounds crazy but praise is so important. I don't buy into the "over praising a child" unless you're making up stuff to praise them for you can't IMO. The reason I believe praise to be so important is because it shows them what you DO want. For example to battle listening issues, I have in the past, praise when DS listens. Not a huge big deal. Just a "Thank you for listening to me just now, that's made me really happy and I'm glad you listened because now we can do this *insert thing* because we have more time " etc. Or something similar.

We often focus on trying to get our children to recognise unacceptable behaviour but don't offer them a solution, don't show them why the alternative is not only better for you but better for them. And sometimes mimicking their behaviour shows them how it feels. I don't mean throwing yourself down on the floor and having a tantrum. But we used to role play and DD would be the mum and I'd be the kid. And this helped her to see how frustrating sometimes it was when she didn't listen etc.

Keep posting here for ideas. But there are HEAPS of coping mechanisms. And no matter how long you've been a parent, you need reminders of that. Reminders of the tips and tricks to get you all through the learning curves. Try and remember that they're emotional little beings, and in most cases they aren't trying to be defiant. They just don't understand how your expectations of them are going to benefit anyone, least of all them. And rightly so. There is nothing worse than being told to do something you don't really want to do and not seeing the benefits, or not understanding what they are no matter how many times someone tells us. Sometimes it's about learning how to communicate differently so they can understand without imposing fear. And it does work.

Today for example. DS came outside he wanted to watch TV, he wanted to watch "his channels" and the rule was today they swapped DD got to watch a few shows in the morning, and DS got to watch a few shows in the afternoon. Anyway DD tells me that the reason she wanted to watch her shows was because DS had not let her watch them in the morning. So I said to him "Can you please show me how to be fair." He went on a tangent refused to listen. And I stayed calm. "Can you please show me how to be fair." He continues to rant... I said "I bet you don't like it when DD is not fair to you. I bet it makes you feel sad. I wonder how DD feels." he stopped. I looked at him and I said "Can you please show me how to be fair? Do you think you could do that? Do you want me to help show you what the fair thing to do would be?" He goes "No I think I've figured it out. I think I'll tell DD that she can watch her shows both in the morning tomorrow and in the afternoon, because I haven't really been fair today." I gave him a cuddle and told him that was a fantastic idea. Now I could have yelled, put my foot down, said fine no more TV then. But I didn't because that would have just upset him and he wouldn't have been able to reason with. All I had to do was repeat myself till I could see I was getting through and remain calm. And not take away the power. Give it to him so he could fix the situation himself. And he did. But when he was emotional he wasn't listening. Because this is what we do. We hear our hearts yell "I'm angry/sad/excited" etc and the world gets blocked out. We all do this, even as adults.

You are doing such a great job, and I hope you realise that. Remember that when you have those low moments. We all have them. I remember talking to my psych and I was devastated that I still after all these years lost my temper at times. And she asked me how I resolved it afterwards. And I said I apologised and we tried talking about ways to fix whatever the problem was for them (if it was a behavioural issue) and how to fix my yelling. And she said do you not see you are teaching them? I said huh?! what?! And she said even if you didn't talk about the problem, even if all you did was take responsibility for your reaction. You are still teaching your children that. You are teaching them ownership of emotions and how to resolve conflict. She said everyone has moments. It's how you deal with how that effects others that makes the difference. Of course this means nothing if you spend half the day yelling and the other half of the day apologising. Then it's pointless but if your moments aren't 24/7 and you acknowledge how those moments feel to you and to them you're doing ok. You're teaching them a lot. And you are learning along the way.

[Calluna]

Thanks Rouge,
I do try to praise him a lot. I detest "good boy/girl" and other labelling, but I do tell him when he is doing something well/helpful/that makes me proud of him. Sometimes it goes down well, other times he will run off and do the opposite
I'm always telling my Mum to "label the behaviour, not the child". I feel it's really important not to tell a child they are "good" for doing x. As it implies that if they don't do x the way you want, they are "bad" our "naughty, when really it's just different.

He's a bit young for the role playing, he just wouldn't get it, but when I can I tell him what I want him to do, not what he's doing wrong. Ie, "please use gentle hands, it hurts when you hit", if that doesn't stop him I'll say "please use gentle hands, it hurts when you hit. It hurts my arm/face/etc and it hurts my feelings. It makes me sad. Do you want to make mummy sad?" And he will stop and think about it, usually say "no" and stop. Not always, but usually. If he won't stop I tell him I will play/talk to him again when he can be gentle, I don't like to be hurt.

As a side note; just after I posted this thread yesterday we were sitting on the bus and he started counting to 3 then hitting me. I haven't done it in ages, what triggered that? Is he a mind reader? Lol

I have tried to explain how doing x will benefit him, he doesn't seem to get it just yet, but I'll keep trying.

When I was learning not to smack I would apologise every time I did it (once we had both calmed down).. I told him that Mummy smacked him because x behaviour made me angry, but that it's not ok for me to yell and it's not ok for me to smack. That I was sorry and I'm trying very hard to be a better Mummy. It sounds long winded but most of the time he listened. Other times he would get upset again and either run away/scream at me.

It seems like for every strategy there is an element of hit and miss. I guess I just have to be consistent and keep doing what I'm doing.

I'm attempting to take a step back from the internet. I'm on here and facebook lot, I'm certain it's not helping. So I've posted a thread in the Messages Forum. If you see me, please post in there and tell me to shove off.

Isaac deserves better than the Mummy he has right now. I am trying so hard to be that better Mummy, but damn is it hard to change old habits!

[Miss E]

don't be so hard on yourself hun... I think every single one of us can be a better mummy. What really matters is that we want to try - that's what makes an amazing mummy!

And, you need to keep some things during the day for you. There's nothing wrong with popping on BB or FB for five or ten minutes here and there throughout the day, or stepping away to sit down and have cuppa. I find it really important (especially as DS gets older and new and more challenging behaviours emerge) for me to take that time for me. If I don't, then I really become grumpy mummy and have a very short fuse. But when I take it and prioritise it, I am so much more patient.