DSD is in jail - anyone have any positive stories?
Many of you will know the ongoing saga regarding 18-year-old DSD and I don't have the energy to summarise that right now.
She has been back in the US for 14 months. Dropped out of school (again) and has had a series of jobs. We suspect she has been sacked from most of them.
She was arrested on Thursday for crashing a car while drunk and unlicensed plus evading police. Luckily no-one was seriously injured.
She's currently in jail and from what we've read, the absolute minimum she will get is one year in jail.
According to police reports she was also arrested on 22 Feb for burglary and domestic violence.
I'm sad but not surprised unfortunately.
DP is not sure what more he can do. We have both tried talking to her FOR YEARS. Doesn't work. She says all the right things then continues stuffing up. We've offered counselling, she doesn't turn up.
I have my own theories but obviously I'm not a psychologist. I guess our choices are to wait for her to want to change her own life. I've told her that I will support her 100% and help her however I can when she sincerely wants to change. Or we can try again to get her a really good counsellor but I'm not sure that will work until she wants to change herself.
Anyone have any success stories on a teen/young adult who's woken up to themselves?
Yeah my sister has finally gotten herself together at the age of 30. I hope that isn't too depressing that it took so long, but it's better than nothing at all. She left home at 14 and lived with a 25 year old man (she was in a sexual relationship with him) who was wanted for the police for drug trafficking (which she got involved in herself) and car theft. She's had a few instances of break and enter and lots of hard drug use. She has kept a job for the last year solid and has a solid relationship with another man now, although she still doesn't have custody of her daughter. Two of my BIL's also got into a lot of trouble with armed break and enter between 17 and 20, one is now an upstanding citizen, the other has been in and out of jail his whole life with robbery and drugs charges. They are in their early 40's now.
She is an adult now and I think it might be time to let her find her own way - even if she gets in a whole heap of trouble along the way. I think he should certainly be her soft place to fall when she needs the support but you're right - she needs to realise for herself that this life is only going to end in heartbreak for her if she continues. My own brother was headed down a simliar parth - a juvenille record as long as your arm and even a few minor convictions for things as an adult. As a teen he barely escaped going to jail a few times and it was only that he got lucky with the judges he had. He did grow out of a lot of the behaviours that were getting him into trouble as a teen and he's not been too bad the past few years. So while his life is far from perfect, it is also far, far different to what it could have been
I don't like making this public knowledge but I'm one of those kids. Kicked out of home by dad when I was 15, after running out of friends' houses to stay at I dropped out of school and ended up on the streets. Some serious drug addictions followed over the next 5 years until I finally beat (or overdosed?) all my inner demons and cleaned my life up again. But it took many attempts and many houses along the way, and you don't even want to know the things that went on on the streets that still haunt me today, but in the end I finally made it through and while not many do make it, with knowing there is good family who care that will be there for her in the end, she might make it through too. But you can't force it, it will only happen in her own time. Hopefully jail will be the shock to her system that she needs. Sorry I don't have an easier answer.
I was going to say pretty much along the lines of what Trillian has said. It is time for your DSD to take responsibility for herself. Tell her you love her but step back now. She really needs to be able to change herself or she'll just keep slipping into old habits & the cycle will never break.
I've got/had young-ish family and friends involved in drugs, theft, prostitution, gangs (bikie), a friend who forfeited the right to supervised visitation with her son so she could get high. Her words, not mine.
Over the years i've learnt that the person in crisis needs to WANT to help themselves, they're highly unlikely to change their ways for/because of anyone else. They need to love themselves enough to say 'no' to the behavioural impulses that get them into trouble. Us on the outside can only encourage them to see it, but ultimately they have to see it for themselves. Its so hard, to stand back and watch and wait. Sometimes, TBH, they don't change in time, but I can honestly say that I always have hope. I've watched the parents of my god-daughters slip into a meth addiction, do all the sick and crazy **** that it leads to, and come out alive and healthy three years later. There were times when we were'nt allowed contact with the girls, particularly because we'd offered to have them stay in our home as opposed to living in a drug den full of needles and pipes.
Continue loving her and telling her you do, continue telling her all the wonderful things about her, do not judge her or her lifestyle as it will only make her defensive to protect it-its hers. Love her unconditionally and be available emotionally.
She won't change overnight, but she will when she's ready too.
All we can do is sit on the sidelines, cheering on the positive things they do, and hopefully one day soon they will play life's game properly, for themselves and for their loved ones.
Peace to your family, and to your DSD, who obviously is struggling to cope with life at the moment.
xx
Many to you hun, you have already been doing all the right things in offering her support and letting her know you will help her. I really hope this will be a wake up call for her and she will accept help from her family. Thinking of you xxx.
Thanks guys - you're right, she has to make her own choices now and take the consequences (something we've been saying to her for years).
Special thanks to you phyanna for being so honest.
As usual, her mom is downplaying all this stuff saying the first arrest was a misunderstanding and the second driving incident was just a "bonehead" minor thing. This is what we're up against - we try to instill some morals and values into her and they get undermined at every turn.
You've done so much for your SD over the years and given her so many opportunities. Unfortunately you can't force wisdom (or even good sense) upon her so I guess all you can do now is let her know that when she needs you that you will be there.
My daughter was a drug addict for almost 3 years. She ran with some pretty unsavoury people. She has charges for stealing but luckily was a juvenile and avoided jail, and now her records are sealed. For a long time, I was certain that she would end up dead in a gutter.
Now she has a job, she worked up to become manager, she wants to buy a house, she is paying off not only her debts but her bf's debts. She came out the other end alive, and more mature and insightful for her experience.
So yes it can happen. But she had to do it for herself, make that decision herself. It hurt like crazy to be helpless but you can't force anyone to make a better decision.
DSD is in jail - anyone have any positive stories?
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