"You're not JUST a mother" - balancing self and mummy?

[KitFaerie]

Ok, so I had a conversation with a friend last night who told me that I had to remember that I wasn't ''just a mother'' and lots of other things about stopping feeding to sleep/co-sleeping and a bunch of other stuff that I feel quite strongly about and have no intention of stopping. She also said that she was worried at how much I'd thrown myself into motherhood. I'm completely happy being a mother and if I wanted my life to stay the same I wouldn't have had a baby. I have loads of reasons for parenting the way I do (as do we all) and no intention of stopping any of them. I am angry that she seemed to think being a Mummy was second best, but that's another story

BUT I am curious about how others feel about the balance between being a mummy and being yourself. I feel like there's a symbiotic relationship with my son and I, like, it's not his needs vs my needs and if his needs are being met then mine arent, it's more like if he's happy then I'm happy and vice versa.

What's your balance between self and Mummy, when did you feel ok about leaving your child and how do you nurture yourself? Do you feel like you've given anything up or lost anything?

[Aussiegirl777]

Our son is 1 next week and for the last 12 months I have loved almost every minute of being a Mother to him (except the WC days). I feel that I have changed dramatically in the person I am. I hoped that I would change dramatically. I always thought that I wouldn't make a very good mum, for lots of reasons and alot of those reasons don't exsist anymore because I have become a mother, if that makes sense. I am a great mother and right now it consumes me and I love being comsumed by it.

One thing I will say is that I need to work harder to be a better partner to my DP. I notice sometimes that I'm so consumed that I don't get the priority right with our relationship. I'm aware of it and now I just need to work on getting that balance right.

[nothing2lose]

I am on my iPad so this is just a quick one, but I personally think it is not healthy investing your own happiness in the happiness of any other person, including your child/ren.

I know, as an adult child, I would not want my own mother's happiness and fulfillment dependent on my own. In fact, the thought horrifies me. Apart from anything else, it's a huge responsibility to have someone else's happiness depending on me. Of course, I want my mum to care about my happiness, but I am a separate entity, not an extension of her.

I feel the same way about my DD.

It's the old oxygen mask on a plane scenario...You need to be responsible for yourself and be emotionally and physically self sufficient before you can worry about others.

[KitFaerie]

I am on my iPad so this is just a quick one, but I personally think it is not healthy investing your own happiness in the happiness of any other person, including your child/ren.

I know, as an adult child, I would not want my own mother's happiness and fulfillment dependent on my own. In fact, the thought horrifies me. Apart from anything else, it's a huge responsibility to have someone else's happiness depending on me. Of course, I want my mum to care about my happiness, but I am a separate entity, not an extension of her.

I feel the same way about my DD.

It's the old oxygen mask on a plane scenario...You need to be responsible for yourself and be emotionally and physically self sufficient before you can worry about others.

I agree, I would have failed in a big way if he felt that it was his responsibility to make me happy. But, I do believe that for the first year'ish it's a take/take situation. He has needs, I meet them. Sometimes meeting those needs makes him grumpy And that's ok, I'm fine with him being grumpy. It's not a case of his happiness at all costs (maybe I implied that?) But, as an example from my friend, she thought that when he was a newborn that I should have let other people take him when he was screaming so I could finish a cup of tea. That wouldn't make me happy, it wouldn't be meeting my needs and it wouldn't be meeting his needs. That's what I was thinking of when I said the symbiotic relationship.

So, getting back to the original question, how do you balance being Mummy and being N2L? Did you ever feel like you had to give anything up?

[MantaRay]

I think it is important to find the balance, but also that the mix that makes up the balance isn't always going to be the same. In the first year or two after having a baby, I think being a mother takes much more time and energy, and probably is also more fulfilling. So while the "right" balance at that time might be far more "mum" than "me", this is not a problem unless you're not fulfilled or happy with the way things are. Once our kids start to become more independent, especially once they become kindy and school kids, then the balance changes, until there is more "me" than "mum". This transition can take some time, and will happen at different times for us all. But once it happens nurturing the "me" part as well as maintaining enough of the "mum" part to meet everyone's needs can be challenging but also rewarding.

As a full time working mum I struggle to find enough "me", but I think I'm improving at it. Perhaps if I'd started earlier it would have been easier, but I really wasn't ready then. Our kids are young for such a small time, I didn't want to miss that. My calling at that time was to be "mum" and I'm very glad that I followed my instincts. I didn't need as much "me" because I was getting what I needed. I guess it's not so much that you can be too much "mum" in the beginning but more a matter of knowing when "me" needs to reappear.

[nothing2lose]

Yes. And no.

My DD is almost 10 so it is almost hard to remember her babyhood! She was, however, a very, very easy baby. She slept right through from day dot and I can never remember a time when I couldn't settle her. I can't remember the terrible twos or any public meltdowns or anything like that....She was always very content and went with the flow. I always just did what I did and took her along for the ride. Mind you, my party days were already long gone

I don't think I have had to give up much of being n2l, but, at the same time, I don't think she has missed out on having a mum and having all of her needs met iykwim.

One thing though, I have lost my piece of mind because, as one BBer's signature says, having a child means your heart walks around on the outside now. I have no real control over her being at the mercy of the big bad world and my heart aches at the possibility of something bad happening to her that I won't be able to stop (and I am not just talking something horrible. I mean a boy breaking her heart, a bully berating her, someone scaring her....) So I guess I have had to open myself to be more vulnerable than I have ever been in my life. That is a massive and risky change.

[Blixie]

Ok I don't know your friend but if she has kids maybe she feels/felt that they took all her time and se lost herself and is just worried that you might have the same thing happen? I know that I have lost myself. I have no time for me. At all. DP and I have to time for each other. So I am "just a mum" everything I do is for them...

[fionas]

My friends don't always disguise the fact that they think I'm nuts

We have very different parenting styles and they have basically gone back to work full-time pretty quickly. I've pretty much been a SAHM for close to five years (bar a brief stint working part-time) and have more or less given up my career.

My life has changed drastically and I do think I've lost 'me'. Temporarily. But on the plus side I've had plenty of time to ponder my future and work out what I want to do for the rest of my life. That includes a career change.

Personally, I find the first 12 months relatively easy. It feels right to have my life revolve around my baby. I reach burnout at around 18 months and start needing time to myself - that's why I've put DD2 into childcare for two days a week. This will allow me time to study/freelance/faff. With DD1 I found the age 18 months to 3 the most difficult. She was all energy, no sense and constant tantrums. Now she's 4.5, I enjoy spending time with her enormously.

Has me being a SAHM affected my relationship with DP? Absobloodylutely. Have we got the balance right? Nowhere near but we're continuing to work on it. I do think my friends who work full-time have a much better relationship with their partner mainly because they share looking after the children/housework pretty equally.

[Tegam]

So interesting Kit.

I guess my story is a little different again. I have four kids and my eldest is almost 8. If I'd only had two I would have both at school and more me time.

I think I have given up 100% of me. Well that is the me before kids. I am so totally different now. So me is mum. And I will always be mum as me! I dedicate my life to my kids. I think about their needs before mine. I weigh up everything I do with them in mind. My husband is the same. We aren't me anymore. We are a family. Where we live, what jobs we do, what we eat, where we go... I can't think of one thing I do without consideration of my kids. Even if I am going out on my own for me time. I still have to consider if it works for the family and who will look after the kids, before, I get to the me bit

I do get fatigued as mum some days but after almost 9 yrs of continuous pregnancy or breast feeding I think that's fair would I change things, no way!!!

I am raising independent, individual, strong people. Who will be confident and happy. But will have an amazing sense of family and priorities!

If being manipulated means my kids know I will be there, I will meet their needs then so be it!


My kids have only ever been cared for my family. I don't believe in child care.

I am doing the most important job in the world, I am doing a damn good job! And by golly I am proud of it!

[jackrose]

Kitfaeire, I love your post. Symbiotic relationship is a beautiful description of a parent/child bond. I think it is terrible that your friend is throwing her issues onto you, especially when you seem to be really happy about your choices. It really blows my mind that she might be 'worried' about what is a completely reasonable thing, to throw yourself into motherhood. If you were unhappy, resentful and suffering from depression it might be worth being worried about, but happy, with good reasoning behind your choices and I assume a happy child also?? Maybe her worries say more about her issues than anything else

I think your questions about balance and nurturing yourself are really important ones to consider, but the answer to the question and the balance you see as perfect between the 'mum-you' and 'you-you' will be different for every person. It will even be different for you at different stages of the parenting journey.

The way I look at it, children come attached, literally. You may cut the cord at birth, but that is only the start of their separation from you. I believe in keeping my kids close in the early years. Almost as an extension of me. This naturally and gradually lessens as they grow. I take my kids lead, but I try to make sure that I am still there for them. I celebrate their little milestones of independence and embrace them as their touchstone when they need to regroup. Gradually their steps into the big wide world are bigger and bigger and I love that. It is as they become more independent, I begin to start to give back time to myself. I consider it such a short time that I need to be all about them that I can afford to put 'me' on hold for a little bit.

Having said that, I do make time where I can to look after myself. When my babies needed me more, it might have been as simple as treating myself to a good book or magazine that I would read while breastfeeding. I might have left them for a little bit from a few months but mostly the just came everywhere with me. Rather than being a drain, I found it really easy. After a few months, when they finally began to reliably go to bed at night at a reasonable time, I made more of an effort to take time for myself. I gave up on doing any housework in the evenings and took that time for me. I love to make things, to create and it feels like a real treat to indulge in creating when the washing needs to be done. I give myself that treat for my sanity. I have also set up a fortnightly catch up for other mothers in my area now that the kids are old enough to not need me to put them to bed. It is soooo lovely to chat with other people without the constant interruption of children! I see this as the slow process of getting back to me.

I plan to keep working out this balance as a work in progress as the kids become more independent. I feel that the groundwork is being done now to build some strong, confident little people and I can't wait for them to launch themselves onto the world in every increasing doses as they find their feet. As they move forward and away from me (in that ever needing sense) I will turn back to myself more and re-embrace me as a person who has another whole side to her now.

[Heaven]

She also said that she was worried at how much I'd thrown myself into motherhood.

Silly you. Didn't you know it's better to do a half-assed job?? What a ridiculous thing to say.

I actually don't find it hard to balance. This is a stage of my life and being a mother is part of my identity at the moment, just like being a student was, and being a wife etc etc. I have lots of things that make up me and I can add to them, or change them, and I am still me

[beansbeans!]

Plain and simply, Im not the same person I was before becoming a parent. Ive lost that old me, but I am discovering a new me.
I love doing things for and with my family. But the things I used to like doing for myself are very distant from what I like doing now ITMS??

I like the new me that I am becoming. But over time I am losing my friends who are childless, especially the more children we have the further they distance themselves. I suppose we just arent that self centered anymore?

I enjoy being a sahm, I enjoy the new me. And Im an enjoying the search to find who I am. its the whole doing something for yourself makes you a better person and mother thing.

[LuluHB]

I think, at least in my own experience, dealing with others' criticisms, advice and opinions in relation to how I parent is one of the most difficult things in maintaining friendships. I lost a very good friend last year because I ended up no longer putting up with her underhanded attacks - her view is that an indication of a good mother is one who raises her child in a way so that her pre-mother life continues unchanged with no impact on friendships and activities.

I do believe you need to achieve a balance between maintaining your own individual identity, and being Mum. The difficulty is that we all have a completely different idea of just what that balance is. For me, the vast majority of my time devoted to my children and being a mother is what is right. Do I miss some aspects of my pre-mother life? Absolutely. Do I wish I had more time for me? Absolutely. But I wouldn't be comfortable sacrificing what I consider to be the most important aspect of my life now just so I could go and play a game of tennis. I do enough to keep me happy, and every now and then I'll do more than normal if I'm feeling a little hard done by as an individual, but I love that my life revolves around my kids. My kids will only be this young and this eager to be actively involved with me to such a huge extent for such a small period of time.

[onthefly]

The mother-baby dyad is important, it's the cornerstone of the person your child will grow up to be. Being a mother and caring wholeheartedly for your children doesn't make you less of a person, or even a different person, necessarily, though it may mean you make changes to what you do with yourself day to day.

The first 2-3 years are incredibly intense, but it changes so quickly - DS is only just turning 4 and he's incredibly independent now. Our relationship has changed enormously in a very brief time. The bond, the nurturing - humans need that, it's just biology and the way we're designed to develop. I don't begrudge my kids that, but I also know that I"m important, too. I get time to do other things - more and more as they get older - it's that swing in the balance. When they're little, they need me physically, so much more, but they'll need me in other ways as they get older.

As a mum, my children's wellbeing is important to me - who would say otherwise? I try to create the conditions so they can thrive, and yes, my own happiness is tied up in that to some extent. But not wholly - aside from anything else, I can't actually guarantee that they'll be happy or well or safe. Not 100%. And as they get older they'll take on more and more responsibility for themselves. It feels a bit weird sometimes, letting go, but it also makes me proud, to see my DS out there, you know?

Sometimes as parents we do have to put things aside that we might otherwise want to do in order to care for our children. You can see that as sacrifice, if you want, or as losing yourself. I see it differently - it's a compromise made with good reason. Life is full of compromises, we make them all the time - some big, some small. Do you lose yourself every time you make one? Or do you rationalise that this is what I have to do right now? When circumstances are different, I'll do differently.....

I think a bigger problem for parents - and more often mums - is that they're all alone, overburdened and without help and support in their communities. That would leave you feeling lost, for sure. It's not motherhood, it's parenting in isolation that's the problem, really.

[wysiwyg]

This is a stage of my life and being a mother is part of my identity at the moment, just like being a student was, and being a wife etc etc. I have lots of things that make up me and I can add to them, or change them, and I am still me

Agree with this so much, I am still the same, I do different things now to I did pre being a mum, just like I did different things as a student to when I was in my mid twenties. Sometimes I have thrown myself into a job and people have warned me about time for myself, burnout etc etc, but as long as you are enjoying whatever it is you are doing, job, partying, motherhood etc does it matter if you get absorbed in it for a bit. I have found that often comment about losing yourself to motherhood etc come from people who really just would like to spend time with you, and feel they have dropped down in the pecking order a bit (probably they have but that can happen with new job, new relationships, moving etc etc).

I remember at a session with the MCHN when DD was about 14 weeks old, she said she wanted to hear one thing we had done for ourselves that week - I think I said having a coffee with a friend, she asked if baby was with us and I said yes - she seemed to think that, that wasn't a good enough thing to do for myself - had to be something like a pedicure or hairdresser, or nice long bath!!! Having coffee with a friend was hardly for the sake of the baby was it, and her "me time" things are just not things that I do, or have any real desire to do - I find it amusing that alot of the time there is even an expectation of what 'me time' should be for a mum - is my time and if the most enjoyable thing for me is to read BB while BF my son then that is good enough for me, or if I want to sew DD a T-Shirt - that is 'me time' too.