Unmarried Parents - How To Tell The Kids That You're Not/Don't Want To Get Married

[fionas]

DP and I have our ups and downs. I don't want to get married. Actually, I like the idea of marriage but right now I don't want to get married to DP.

We have two weddings to go to this year and our girls will probably come with us to at least one of them.

I'm not sure how to handle DD1's questions. I can't with hand on heart, say "daddy and I love each other very much but don't want to get married," because I don't feel the first part of that statement. I don't like lying.

So what to say to DD1 without freaking her out but remaining true to myself?

[Netix]

Maybe that not all parents want to get married? The Man and I aren't married yet, we've been trying to or letting it slip past for years. I'm not sure what else to add. When dd asked me why we weren't married, I think I answered it a bit on the casual side, even though maybe I didn't want to.

[kimmi]

Perhaps you can change the focus and say something like, " Mummy and Daddy love you very much, but at this moment, we aren't planning to get married. Families come in all shapes and sizes and we are our very own type of family."

[myturn]

She is still young so may not ask the question you are worried about. But if she does you could say
"everyone is different and some people want to get married and others don't. Daddy and I don't want to get married. But that's okay. We are a happy family and font need to be married to stay that way"

If she asks why not. You can just repeat "everyone is different and that's just the way that we feel".

But as she is only 4 I'd be surprised if she even thought about it. As far as she knows her family are together and happy and that's all that matters. If she could feel you were unhappy maybe it would be different. But even then. Kids seem to ask us the questions when we least expect it!!!

Try to enjoyr the days and don't think about it!!!

[Nai]

She will ask dd1 has been asking since about that age. It's even more difficult that she knows that mummy used to be married to "uncle c" but now "uncle c" lives with "uncle r" so we really are messed up!

We just said that lots of people ge married but that you don't need to be married to love each other or have a family. She just accepts that, although I think she is secretly hanging out for us to ge married when she can be a bridesmaid

[Jennifer13]

DD1 just accepts that we aren't married, it isn't really something she's asked about TBH. And we were both in my sister's wedding party last year, so it's certainly been up for discussion. She just thinks it's funny that I have a different last name, but since at school I often get referred to by their surname it doesn't bother her. When we do get married, I'll keep my surname anyway.

We do tell her we might get married one day, we'll see.

And kids kinda assume you love each other, they accept the version of family they see before them as normal. You don't need to even mention it. In some families, mum and dad get married first then have kids. Some families do it the other way around, that's all. And some don't need or want to get married, they're still a family.

[fionas]

Yep, she asked tonight - "WHEN are you and daddy getting married" rather than "WHY aren't you married?"

Still thinking.

I answer her "I don't want to die mummy" statements with, "we're WAYYYYYYYYY too busy too die DD, we have story time tomorrow, the Easter Bunny's coming and we have kindygym on Friday." She's happy with that.

This one has me a little stumped.

I just have to remember that at this age, it's all about her so I have to concentrate on how much DP and I love HER and DD2. That much is indisputable.

[Sunny Love]

What is your DP's answer to this question of "Whya ren't you married"?

[OceanPrincess]

We just said that lots of people ge married but that you don't need to be married to love each other or have a family. She just accepts that, although I think she is secretly hanging out for us to ge married when she can be a bridesmaid

I'd go with something like that.

And when exactly are you getting married Nai??

[Nai]

Haha OP, one day i will tell you the story of my friend who kept asking and what happened to her . Butno, it's not on the cards at this point.

[fionas]

What is your DP's answer to this question of "Whya ren't you married"?

She hasn't asked him but I imagine his response would be, "because mummy doesn't want to."

[Tegam]

Why not say weddings cost too much money and we prefer spending money on x, y, z at the moment

[Gigi]

my dd got obsessed about acting out weddings around age 4. Since her father and i spilt up, the amount of times she has put us on the spot (separately) about "when are you getting married?" has been very numerous. She is trying to manipulate us all back together, so we're in the same dwelling again, i think she assumes that if we are married, we'll HAVE to live together, and then she will get her dream (having both parents under same roof).

And i'm sure she would love to be a flowergirl at a wedding.

The royal wedding last year was very impressive to her. Dressing up as the bride, still a strong dressing up fave.

i have a really hard time discussing with her, why we're not married.

Her father proposed, then did nothing further. I wanted so badly to be married, then become pregnant. Obviously that didn't happen. And the lack of marriage/committment played a major role in our breakup. So it's a very raw topic, for my DD to bring up.

so much unfinished business. i flounder when she asks.

[fionas]

I'm tending towards something like, "getting married makes some people very happy. Mummy and daddy are already very happy to be your mummy and daddy."

[Gigi]

I'm tending towards something like, "getting married makes some people very happy. Mummy and daddy are already very happy to be your mummy and daddy."

that's a good one (for couples).

[Livinthedream]

Maybe ask her what difference, in HER life, would you getting married make?
Mummy would still be mummy, dadddy would be daddy, you would all still live in the same house and eat the same food and have the same toys and dog and blah blah... Then explain, that, mostly a wedding would just be a big, expensive party and that you would reather spend the monry on a nice holiday.
Thats what I am planning on telling my DS anyways