Thoughts about returning to work

[Tuesday's Child]

I know it's early to be thinking about all this, but it's been on my mind a lot lately. My original plan was to return to work in January 2013. But the more I think about it the more I realise that I don't want to go back. I don't feel the same about my career as I did before becoming a mum. Part of me feels guilty for not making use of my degree. I studied for 7 years, with DH supporting me for the final 2 as we decided not to wait for me to finish before getting married. I love(d) my job and my field, but it doesn't seem as important anymore. As for challenges, there are plenty of challenges in raising little people to keep my mind occupied. I guess I'm just wondering how other people feel about this. Has anyone else put aside their higher education to be a SAHP?

Then there's my mental health. I did not cope at all well with work after DD1. It took a good 8-9 months before I felt able to be productive (and by then I was pregnant with DD2).

On a more practical note, there seems to be little benefit to working financially. Especially since half my income went on childcare for DD1 anyway, so with 2 in care there would be very little, if anything, left over. I have the option of working at home but my job can't really be done while caring for children at the same time.

But am I obligated to return to work after taking mat leave? I'm employed on a fixed term contract which is renewed annually. Even though I was on mat leave with DD2 when my previous contract expired in March I was offered and accepted a new one. This is despite the EBA stating all mat leave entitlements cease once a contract expires. I could extend my mat leave to March 2013 and then not renew my contract. That doesn't feel quite right though.

Thoughts?

[LuluHB]

I have the same thoughts as you. I used to really love my job but now I have kids my priorities about what I want to do have completely changed. What I used to find really made my day - getting that really great result for a client, or pulling off the seemingly impossible deal - has just got nothing compared to my almost 4 year old bringing me the picture of her and me she's just drawn, with the "I 'heart' Mummy" she's written on it.

I returned to work two days a week for a very short period of time 18 months or so ago - back with my old employers in the environment I used to love. It was great to have the mental challenge again and put the skills I developed over years and years to good use, but I missed my girls desperately. I hated that I didn't see them before I left for work in the morning, and they were in bed or close to it by the time I got home , and hated that my mum or DH would tell ME what my kids had done that day. I also personally feel that daycare is not an option for me, and while my parents were very happy to look after the girls for for those two days, I felt guilty about the extra pressure on them.

I guess I want the best of both worlds. I want to be home now when my kids aren't in school full time, but then when they are I would like the perfect job that challenges me intellectually, but allows me complete flexibiity to work around my kids' school hours.

Good luck with whatever you decide. NOt sure there is a right or wrong answer, for any one person or even for that one person on any given day.

[nothing2lose]

I am on my iPad so just a quick one.

I totally understand how you feel but, hypothetically speaking, what if you stay at home now, how would you feel once your children are at school/are older??

Is yours the type of kob you can just go back into with an extended break? Would you be happy to have just any job (ie. One not pertaining to your qualifications) when your kids no longer "need" you as much.

Saying goodbye to your career now might mean saying goodbye to it forever. You might think that's fine for now but will you always be okay with it?

Just a couple of things to think about...

[beansbeans!]

I totally understand about feeling differently towards your career. At the moment I am up in arms about what I want to do. Part of me wants to return to work I once knew and loved, the other part wants to find work elsewhere and try something new.
We did the sums for me to return to work this year, $1100 a week for childcare costs for the girls. So me returning to work for now is a total joke really. I couldnt get a job anywhere to cover those sorts of costs and then make a profit.
I cant answer your questions really, but I do want to follow this, because I know at some stage I will return to work, and I need to start planning for the long term.

[sangie]

It's so hard isn't it? I have a higher degree as well and I used to enjoy what I do but since having my kids it definitely doesn't seem as fulfilling anymore. Since having my kids they have obviously been my number one priority but at the same time I don't want to lose touch with my career. Yes I want it all lol!
Lucky for me I am able to work casually from home with only the occasional trip to the office for a meeting. For me I feel its really important to keep my foot in the door so to speak as my kids won't be little forever and there will be a time when I will want to spend more time in the workforce. I know this doesn't work for everyone's job and I know that I am very lucky to be able to do this but if something like this is at all an option for you then its something to consider.
So to answer your question, yes I have partly put aside a higher degree to be a SAHM. If I was still in the workforce full time I'd imagine I'd be in a much higher position than where I am now and on higher $$ but I wouldn't change being with my kids for anything. And lucky for me I can stay 'in the loop' so to speak by working a little from home and not having to put my kids into daycare. Not sure when I'll be working full time again? I always thought I would go back full time when both my kids are in school but now I'm not so sure I want them to be in after school every day. Ideally I'd go back 3 days but we'll see!

[Mak]

I can really relate to the feelings you are talking about - especially when you have such very young children/babies as they are so reliant on you. Things do change so very rapidly as everyone grows up.
I have struggled with this and ultimately decided that I should stay working. This was a result of having to make a drastic change in our living standards if I chose to opt out. One one hand if I gave up my position I would not get it back - one the otherhand luckily my employer has to let me work part time so I haven't had to decide about full time care.
My experience was that going back after DD2 was much easier a transition than previously as well, partly because I knew what to expect and also was more organised about our routine and had more realistic expectations of myself and what I could acheive. I was also greatful for the adult company and mental stimulation as well by the time my mat leave was up.
I am now almost 3 years away from that choice but I have been recently surprised by seeing how many of my friends/contemporaries are now looking for work - particularly the mums of DD1's prep buddies. Many of them are struggling to get interviews in their chosen fields at a reasonable level let alone get jobs. This has made me grateful that I kept at it (despite feeling like I was struggling or at times even failing with all tasks at hand) and I am surprised by how this situation has affected many others.
My other point is quite blunt - both DH and I have experiences of parents either passing away unexpectedly or never working again after illness. Me working takes the pressure off DH and quite simply means that should the need arise I have the ability to provide for my kids. I already feel the pressures on my sick leave etc that having kids has had but at least I have those entitlements to call on.
Good luck with your decision making - try to plan for 2, 5, 7 years down the track and see how you can try to acheive all you want to. If you can buy more time to consider your options I would tend towards that as well. You may be surprised where you end up!!! xxx

[briggsy's girl]

I hated the idea of returning to work when DD was only 10 months old. We had to fight so damn hard to get her, it felt like i was just not going to have the time to enjoy her like i should. But like Mak mentioned, sometimes you have to look longer term. In theory, i COULD have taken 2 years, with my job still being available after that time - but the reality was that i think if i'd stayed out of the workforce any longer than i already had, i'd not have returned. i'd have thought "i can get a job when she goes to school" - and waited. But reality was that DH lost his job due to ill health (not that he is ILL - but a truckie with failing eyesight isn't a truckie you want on the road!). So i had to go back. It's hard when he is the one that gets to enjoy her days, tell me about her development etc - but it was a case of me picking up the slack where he can't. He will eventually go back to work as a labourer - but his work is the type that he CAN take a prolonged break without losing his skills - a labourer is a labourer - he doesn't have any particular tickets that will expire so he will get them when he goes back to the workforce when DD starts school. at that stage, i will drop my hours to coincide with school hours (for the most part)

I see, daily, parents that have been out of the workforce for a prolonged period of time and can't go back to work in their chosen field as their qualifications have expired. Things change so rapidly in so many fields that it's almost impossible to keep up if you haven't been in the workplace. I know my job is probably a lot more "fluid" than some, but we have daily changes - after my 12 months off for DD i needed a full week to retrain - and even then, i was struggling. i would hate you to take extra time off with the intent of going back at some point, only to find that you have lost your skills, or are essentially unemployable due to the time you're out of the workforce for a long period of time.

if your qualification is one that will become obsolete if you're not using it, is it possible to get a part time position that keeps you in the loop, allows you to be at home 2-3 days a week, and then build up later when your kids are at school?

[Astrid]

I found the same thing about returning to work. I did want to for the extra money and some sanity, but also I was getting to the point of not being able to find a decent job if I left it any longer. I work the accounting/payroll area and it does change as legislation does. Along with software changes etc. I was looking at a real drop in pay and along with job happiness if I delayed any longer (lower paid jobs tend be all stress and no satisfaction). Also I looked a lot forward, as in retirement. There is a lot of lost Super in not working.

I have had to suck up putting DD2 into full-time care, which is a downside. I am able to work school hours, so it atleast keeps the days shorter, but I need to work 4-5 days per week. She is tired from it and I am tired, but it is worth it overall

[Amaunet]

I'm a teacher and before I had my beautiful boys I was very ambitious, was relieving in higher duties roles and actively seeking promotion. I loved the challenges, the stress, being part of the executive team in my school. I could never see that changing and thought I'd be looking forward to resuming these challenges when my maternity leave was finished... How wrong I was. I went back 5 days per fortnight in 2010 in an executive role and hated every minute I was away from my baby who was just 7 months I was miserable, anxious and resentful (also suffering from undiagnosed coeliac disease which didn't do me any favors either) I stuck with it, fell pregnant, miscarried and then struggled to reconceive. I made the decisions to go back to the classroom role 3 days per week in 2011 and it was the best decision I ever made! I fell pregnant in April and finished halfway through term 4 and actually enjoyed being back at work. I felt like I had some balance back in my life and actually rediscovered my love for the classroom. I'm now on 12 months leave and think (hope) I'll be ready to go back in 2013.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, going back to the RIGHT job makes it ok, but it needs to balance with your new family life. I couldn't maintain my old job life and didn't want to really either.

[Heaven]

You sound like you don't really want to go back but you think you 'should'.

You don't owe it to anyone to work just because you've got a degree. Do what is right for you.

For me, I figure, I only get this time with my children once. I can't go back and live it again. This is it and I want to be a part of it. This is more important to me than any job I could ever have. This makes me happy and we have decided to prioritise me being at home, even if it means we have to sacrifice having more money.

I have a masters degree and I am a SAHM

[Mum2SweetCs]

Before DD1, i was career driven. Promoted to a Senior role pretty early on. I thought 4 months of Mat leave was fine. When I had DD1 i was soo regretting that decision.

Felt very depressed leaving a baby who didnt even get a chance to bond with her mum. I tried to extend it to a year but my boss had already placed me in some projects so I negotiated working only 2 days and those 2 days from home so i can still see bub everyday.

Then I worked from home 2 days a week and went back full time with 3 days in the office.

Then when DD was around 3 changed jobs and worked full time.

For DD2, I will be trying to get a part time role but realistically i am really pushing it as my role is not really part time and as the others have said I really do need to continue working as I am in IT and technology becomes redundant quite fast.

It was damn hard to leave my DD, but i think the slow transition to full time worked really helped and more importantly knowing that when I am at work she is in good hands (her Grandmother looks after her)

All the best hun

[Tuesday's Child]

Thanks so much for all your replies. I'll come back with a proper post once I sort through my thoughts some more. You've all given me a lot to think about.

[Tuesday's Child]

I also personally feel that daycare is not an option for me, and while my parents were very happy to look after the girls for for those two days, I felt guilty about the extra pressure on them.

See, daycare is the only option for me. Both my parents are deceased and DH's family are 4 hours away. It also means that there is no back up if I have a sick child and I feel torn between caring for my sick daughter and being a good/useful/valuable employee.

And don't feel too guilty about the extra pressure on your parents. Let them and your parents enjoy all that time they get to spend together

Saying goodbye to your career now might mean saying goodbye to it forever. You might think that's fine for now but will you always be okay with it?

Thank you n2l. I hadn't really given that much thought. I'm terrible at making long term plans.

My other point is quite blunt - both DH and I have experiences of parents either passing away unexpectedly or never working again after illness. Me working takes the pressure off DH and quite simply means that should the need arise I have the ability to provide for my kids. I already feel the pressures on my sick leave etc that having kids has had but at least I have those entitlements to call on.
Good luck with your decision making - try to plan for 2, 5, 7 years down the track and see how you can try to acheive all you want to. If you can buy more time to consider your options I would tend towards that as well. You may be surprised where you end up!!! xxx

Thank you Mak. You know, despite losing both of my own parents before I was 28, I hadn't actually considered what I would do without DH.

If your qualification is one that will become obsolete if you're not using it, is it possible to get a part time position that keeps you in the loop, allows you to be at home 2-3 days a week, and then build up later when your kids are at school?

I'm a statistician and we are always in demand. It is a field where practice lags a long way behind theory, but the software changes almost every year.

Also I looked a lot forward, as in retirement. There is a lot of lost Super in not working.

Good point. My boss insists on 17% super. I hate to think what would happen to the Super I have if I left it just sitting there while not contributing.

You sound like you don't really want to go back but you think you 'should'.

So you picked up on that, huh?

I'm not sure why, but returning to work, in my mind, has always been a question of financial necessity. Thank you to everyone here who has pointed out other aspects to consider. My job is really a very good one. It's flexible, supportive, pro- work/life balance and the benefits are generous. My current boss will be retiring at the end of the year and the uncertainty of returning with a new boss is another factor in my reluctance to go back. But I suppose, I won't know what my new boss is like unless I do go back. I actually feel a lot more comfortable with the idea of working now that I've realised there are so many more reasons to do it other than earning money. (Why is it the SAHM vs working mum debate seems to be reduced to financial reasons?) Of course, we are moving in a couple of weeks, so it could just be that my mind has been focused on that lately

[RhiChiChi]

Creche doesn't have to be the only child care option - there is family day care to consider and the likes.... (we use creche, just so you know)

[OceanPrincess]

TC, I feel your pain. I'm higher educated and fortunate enough to be in a position where my salary covers child care and then some, so for us, financially, it made sense. We also bought a bigger house and car and these things come with financial burdens that in our case equated to personal sacrifices - me returning to work.

I hate it. A lot of people on here know that! I am also fortunate enough now that I can finish early, with #3 on the way, and plan on building up DH's business so I can do that around kids being at school, in a couple of years.

The work I'll be doing won't really be utilising my education/degree. But the costs of having three in child care will just be astronomical so that's not going to work, so doing the office admin and bookkeeping for hubby will be my main source of employment.

I do feel a bit sad that the ten+ years of experience I've developed in this field will be thrown out the window, but so be it. These are the choices we make hey!

Good luck with your decision.

[Nai]

It is a tough choice but if you can find a balance that you are happy with then I would go with it.

I know that by me working it takes the pressure off DP - he was able to take his ultimate dream job which was a lower paying job but he wouldn't have been able to do that unless I was working too. Now he is so much happier at work and it has made him happier all round. He also gets to spend a bit more time with the girls and he has to take time off to look after them if they are sick - not just me, so it helps their bond as well.