I'm just wondering, what makes/made them amazing in your eyes?
I'm just asking because I never really had that kind of role model in my own life, can't ever imagine saying that about my mother, and I guess mother's day yesterday has unearthed a bunch of fears and insecurities for me.
I love my children to pieces, and I'd do anything for them, but I'm not playful or a 'fun mum' (dd 6's words).
I don't have boundless levels of energy and once I've done the stuff I need to do there isn't a lot left, but it's not just that.
I just don't work that way. It doesn't come naturally and feels contrived when I try.
DS at least knows how to play peacefully, can happily snuggle up with me for a bit and then get on with something else. He's happy just to have me nearby.
But dd... She requres more and more and it can feel relentless and overwhelming, to the point where I just don't want to keep giving and feel myself withdraw and pull away.
I don't know what I'm trying to say.
I guess I'm just hoping that there's more to being thought of that way, of being an amazing mother, than knowing how to play.
Also, I understand that we only have a limited time to bond and connect with our children before the rest of the world takes over. What if I miss that window, or can't find the way to do it?
Any thoughts would be so appreciated, thanks
Lara - sounds very familiar! I lost my mum when I was 9 - I have really struggled with my own fears and ideas of what kind of mum I am for my girls. I have had some not so fabulous role modelling from my step mum and dad as a consequence of the blended family.
I have had to learn to trust myself a bit more and try to work on the things I find hard and consider that I am not good at. So DD's love mess, dancing and just having me play with them - I have had to let the housework stuff go a bit and try to put the emphasis on how we are all feeling/being etc.
Part of this includes scheduled down time - so I can refresh myself, so I have work and I try to run a fwe times a week. I should be ironing now but am not!
Remember to focus on what you are doing well too. xxxx
My mum is amazing and she was never a fun type of mum. Not really the tea party craft type and I'm not either with my kids.
But my mum is emotionally available 24/7 we can talk and that's what makes her amazing to me. She has been there to put me back together every time I have fallen apart. Which is alot
I think an amazing mum is a happy mum. She needs to be a role model. I always wanted a mum that didnt work, but now I realise she was happy so thats what matters. i now realise its more about them being available when needed rather than crafty/stay at home mum.
This doesn't directly answer your question Lara but I can tell you what I felt my mum lacked (and my dad) and what I felt I most needed. I really wanted their guidance, advice and wisdom but it became apparent at a really early age that either they just didn't have those skills. And they were actually quite playful so I'd say they were great parents until midway through primary school but as soon as I had questions about 'life', I felt they weren't the people to turn to. I felt quite bitter and twisted about that for quite some time because I felt they weren't 'proper' parents.
So really what I'm saying is that there will come a time when the playfulness side won't be very important at all and I'm sure you'll excel at the emotional stuff!!!
My mum is incredible. I'm very lucky. She was a single mum between my ages of 18 months and 13, (brother 3 to 15) so we didn't have lots of money but I always felt loved and safe. She never did the fun stuff (I remember wanting to do things like ice skating with her but she wouldn't), and at the time I couldn't understand it but now understand it was because she was terrified that as a single mum with no financial resources behind her she couldn't afford to be injured and off work. I guess while I always respected her for it, I never knew until I had kids myself just how much of herself she gave and how hard it must have been for her to create the environment my brother and I were raised in.
She's not an overly affectionate person, so we didn't grow up with lots of kisses, cuddles and I love yous - nothing like I am with my own kids, but I know the affection is there.
She was pretty tough at times and was never a "there there, it'll be all right" sort of mum. She was more the "well what do you expect would happen" kind of mum. At times hard for a kid to take but again, she was in her own way teaching me to rely on myself and have strength.
I guess for me its that I always knew that no matter what happened, no matter what I did or how bad it was she would always always be there for me. She wouldn't necessarily like it, and geez I'd know about it, but she'd never leave me stranded without support. I'm nearly 42 now and my mum literally saved my life after DD2 was born when I had pnd.
Now I look at my incredible mum and see an even more incredible grandmother.
My mum is awesome. She consistently puts other people first and isn't demanding. She always says not to to Mother's day for her because she thinks it's about fathers teaching young kids to appreciate their mums. Makes me want to give her a nice day even more! She always listens and always has time for me and the rest of her family.
She is secure in herself and knows her strengths and weaknesses. She is emotionally mature and healthy. She is fair in what she does for myself and my siblings, and between all the grand kids. Everyone is made to feel like they are valued and special, and they feel loved.
The things I've seen in friends' mums who they have significant relationship difficulties with are selfishness and the amazing ability to make everything about them. They are emotionally immature and incredibly insecure. They need constant reassurance that people love them. They are thoughtless and don't treat their children equally, which never ends well. They are fake and attention-seeking.
Hope that helps. Good on you for asking yourself some tough questions. Course correction is such an important part of life. Your kids at lucky to have you.
I admire my Mum on many many levels. She was a single Mum too from when I was 3. Until I was 20. I have older and younger brothers, Mum stayed at home until we were in primary school, then studied until we were in high school before returning to work. That's beside the point. Whatever Mum did (and she was a sporty, crafty one), it's not the activity I remember, it's that she was 100% present with us. It could be 5 minutes reading a story, but she wasn't thinking about what was going to be on TV later, or what she had to do tomorrow, she was thinking about what adventure Peter Rabbit was up to.
Be present. That is the best thing you can do, it makes even the smallest time period precious. My Mum also had a special song for each of us that she sang to us as we went to sleep. I still remember it. It was our special thing, hers and mine and no one else had that particular thing.
My mum is awesome - she brought me up by herself after my dad left when I was 2 and she had to go back to work as a teacher full time and study her degree to progress in the school after hours. I honestly don't know how she did it!
She was always there to answer my questions and always matter of fact. She wasn't overly affectionate but i always knew she loved me and i always knew she was there for me. She set boundaries which I thought were unfair but looking back she was more lenient than I probably would have been!!
I think the best thing is that she let me make mistakes and learn from things and enabled me to be an independent, responsible and contributing member of society as an adult by teaching me the life skills that I needed. I now see her being a fabulous grandmother to my girls and they adore her.
Update: Thank you so much for all your responses.
The strongest message I've taken away from all this was about being present, that's the biggest thing I can change.
So I've put the ipod down while dd is home and I don't pick it up again until they are both in bed.
It's funny, I didn't say anything about it, but I can see a shift in dd already. She speaks to me differently, is more affectionate and more loving, and the conversations have changed too. It's like there has been an energy shift.
It's such a small thing (or I thought it was) but it seems to have made such a difference.
Right now ds is at kinder and dd is at school so bb isn't taking me away from them. On the other hand, I am supposed to be writing an essay for uni...
Yes being present is the number one I think. It makes it hard to achieve anything when the kids are around, but I figure they're only little for such a short time. I really try to keep the days simple. Meals, park, friends, home time. I'm very crafty but don't do a lot of craft because I find it frustrating with kids around, so we do other types of play.
It's so tough to be your own person and still feel you can give all to your kids. Its a blancing act!
It's interesting you've noticed a change from putting down the distractions. I have recently discoverd a blog from an American woman (don't know if i can the website say here) who had an epiphany about how dangerous particularly 'electrical' distractions can be (she ran a red light as she was texting with her kids in the back of the car and nearly killed her whole family). The articles she rights about are basically all about being in the present with your kids and your life and have really changed the way i behave, and in turn my kids.
From my experience, just knowing i can call my mum and talk makes her amazing. Even when i was younger and didn't always keep in touch that much, i just knew she was available for me. And even if she disagrees with my way of parenting, she'll bite her tongue and hold back as she respects it's my journey.
For those with amazing mothers
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and because of her I now have my own family!
but looking back she was more lenient than I probably would have been!! 
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