DH not bonding with DD3

[LuluHB]

DH is a truly fantastic dad and has been from day 1 with DDs 1 and 2. They were both difficult babies and he was great with them - tons of patience and he would walk the floors singing, talking and soothing them for hours (I'm amazed their first words weren't the lyrics to Piano Man!). I was struggling and he really stepped up. Changed nappies when they needed it, bathed/showered them daily, changed clothes - the whole lot.

He seems so disinterested in DD3. She is a far more contented baby and I therefore need less time outs for want of a better description. He only changes her nappy if I say she needs it, has given her one bath and that was only because I pushed him to give her her first ever bath. If she is unsettled he just holds her rigidly with no attempt at soothing and doesn't even hold her affectionately (he's not rough, just not soft ITMS). He has been so disinterested and hands off that now she won't settle for him and so he is coming out with things like "well there's no point me picking her up/trying" and stuff like that. I'm struggling not to criticise when he does hold her, but if he doesn't move while holding her she won't stop crying, so he gets more frustrated, so she cries louder and its just a viscious circle

It seems to really sadden him that he's not making a connection, but he isn't doing anything to change the situation. It makes me really sad to see both of them unhappy with each other, and it also means the time I could spend with E and I because DH can have A isn't happening.

Thoughts or suggestions anyone?

[Olive]

could he have PND?

[Traveller]

I think you need to give it some more time. It sounds like he feels less useful with her because she needs nothing from him, whereas your first two needed him to be fully involved because they were less placid babies. My DH took months to bond with my DS2, and the same again with my twins because I did all the day to day caring and didn't need much from him other than distracting the older children, and from friends I have been told this is not uncommon. He will grow to have the same attachment with her as he has to your others but it may happen at a different point in her development. Be patient and I'm sure it will happen.

[Charlotte91]

DH went through a stage like that. He had PND. It took him a few months to get past it and even now he relapses for a few days.
Hope that everything works out.

[RhiChiChi]

I wonder too if it is PND or like traveller said, he just isn't needed as much so perhaps he feels a little useless?? Try to talk to him about it rather than have goes - easier said than done I know ((hugs))

[onthefly]

The daddy-baby dynamic was very different for my two, too. With DS, Dh was the essential settler - sometimes only he could do it. With DD, he's only managed to get her to sleep a few times. So their relationships have progressed differently, as a matter of course.
Can you suggest things he could do more often, like bathing etc? Tasks that are his to do that he feels competent with. Otherwise, I'd suggest just giving it a bit more time.

[LuluHB]

could he have PND?

This did go through my head yesterday for the first time because he seemed particularly miserable about it all, but then the poor bugger had been working from 9am Saturday until about 11am Sunday with only a bit of sleep. I'm hoping yesterday was just that he was seriously tired and over everything (can't blame him for that - I would be too after working that much).

Hopefully it is just that he needs more time and that as Miss A becomes more interactive with people things will improve. I really hope so - I would hate to think that she misses out on the amazing bond with her dad that her sisters have

[LimeSlice]

I would think though he is feeling a little lost because he can't "fix" anything. Your other babies needed to be walked, soothed, rocked, sung to, etc...they needed soothing, fixing. This one is content and he is useless to fix anything, there are no problems.

Maybe you can take the other girls out for an hour or so and leave DD3 with him between feeds or something, so he has some time alone where he can find his feet and his place with her without onlookers.

[Barb Glare]

Let him do things even if you don't strictly "need" it. Ask him to bathe her while you nick down to the shops, or go for a walk. Ask him to change her even if you could do it yourself. Ask him to carry her in a sling when you are out for a walk. Bonding "happens" just by hanging out with each other. When you are in the groove as a mum it's easy to feel it's just easier to do things yourself. But bit back any criticism you have and just let him do it his way.

[maybebaby2012]

Let him do things even if you don't strictly "need" it. Ask him to bathe her while you nick down to the shops, or go for a walk. Ask him to change her even if you could do it yourself. Ask him to carry her in a sling when you are out for a walk. Bonding "happens" just by hanging out with each other. When you are in the groove as a mum it's easy to feel it's just easier to do things yourself. But bit back any criticism you have and just let him do it his way.

I think I agree with this. I had a really awful pregnancy and birth with DD & I'm not sure that we would have bonded at all if we hadn't been forced together so often by the necessity of breastfeeding. I think if you spend a lot of time with someone the bond grows naturally, rather than spending time specifically to build a bond - if that makes any sense at all? Also, could it just be that he is out of practice and feeling like he's 'lost it' a bit. I get a little that way around babies now because it has been so long, and I'm a mother! I just feel kind of awkward and that the things that used to come naturally to me like soothing etc, I have to really think about now so when people offer me a nurse I kind of feel out of my depth and bit inadequate.

[Beatrix]

Im going to throw this out there..

Did he want DD3 to be a DS? My exh has hardly any connection with our last DD as he wanted a little boy therefor had gender disappointment.

[nickle730]

My DH was a very attentive, doting father to our first two children. My third child, DD2, was born when DD1 was 7 and DS 5. It took DH a long time to bond with DD2. As you have described, he just wasn't 'soft' with her as he was with the other two from birth. DD2 is now 19 months and can melt her daddy with a single smile, but it took probably 6 months for their bond to happen. Having spoken to DH about what the difference was, he now admits that he resented the time that DD2 took away from DD1 and DS. He says it wasn't really a conscious thought, just a feeling he had but didn't recognise at the time.

[Jennifer13]

This is a lot like my DP is with DD2, but it passes (he was like it a bit with DD1 too). Their relationship has many years to develop and change. I wouldn't stress about it unless he seems upset about how things are. This time round he also has the distraction of the older two who probably clamour for his attention too. Spreading himself across all three is harder than with one or two, so I'd be guessing the noisier more persistent ones grab his attention. He likely feels that since you've got things with DD3 under control he'll go where he's more needed.

At least, that's how it is here!

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

I think it could definitely be that she doesn't NEED him as much IYKWIM.
DP very rarely did anything with the girls, he didn't settle them bath them and i was BFing so he didn't need to feed them.
I did all the night changes and i think he was lucky to change about 5 nappies (might be an exageration) by the time DD1 was 1 BUT as soon as she was up and about, walking and getitng into things their relationship changed.
She could go to him, he could actually do things WITH her and she became such a daddy's girl.

DD2 was quite intent on only ever being with mummy, i couldn't move 2 feet from her without her screaming and if DP even TRIED to settle her all hell broke loose, again he didn't get a chance with her as she was not a happy baby outside of my arms, now though that she's older and they can do things together you would never know.

It's hard watching them be upset because baby doesn't need them or baby only wants mum but i think it's worth telling him it's normal for a LO to just want mummy. IYKWIM.

I hope it all improves soon hun and they get some more quality time together.

[sangie]

I think give it a bit more time hun. YOu've been given some great advice and like the others have said I would try to encourage him to spend more alone time with her (taking a shower or bath together or suggesting he take her for a walk etc). Maybe use the reason of 'I'd like to spend some time with I and E so could you please take A for half an hour or so?'. Best of luck, I hope it all improves soon.

[TaRhLi.]

Maybe he also feels that he doesn't know what to do, even though you have your other DD's maybe he feels like it is all new and just lost the knack of 'babies'. When DD was born my DH had never had anything to do with babies before and everything he seemed to do with her was stiff and forced and he had no idea how to hold and comfort. It took him a while before he felt confident with her - I would say until she started to respond more and could start to support her head much better.

With the twins though he seemed to click faster as the age gap between DD and the twins is only 18mths and he still had those skills, plus he needed to be more involved as there were 2 to deal with.

Maybe he is just feeling a little lost as the nuturing instinct is more natural for mum's where dad's seemed to need to learn the skill and like most things, if you don't use those skills constantly you can lose a bit of confidence. I would try and get him to take on a specific role in her care ie: bathing as this then is one less thing you need to do, plus it gives him a chance to get back into the groove.

[LuluHB]

Im going to throw this out there..

Did he want DD3 to be a DS? My exh has hardly any connection with our last DD as he wanted a little boy therefor had gender disappointment.

Fortunately this is definitely not it. He's very happy with his tribe of women and I believe him when he says he has no disappointment in not having a boy. His 3rd sister just found out she is having her second boy, making 8 boys from his sisters and no girls, and he actually thinks its pretty cool we have the family's only girls.

I talked to him about this yesterday and he says he feels completely useless with A - she's content and laid back mostly, and he can't feed her so he's a bit at a loss, especially when the best fix for her when she's unsettled is a feed. I expressed for the first time Monday so he gave her her first ever bottle last night while I was doing dinner. Was really nice to see her snuggled in and feeding to sleep with him. I'll toss Miss A in with him in the shower more as a start and see how we go.

Thanks so much for all the responses. Nice to know other daddies have had a slow start too

[HotI]

Not just daddies either, sometimes mums take awhile to bond with their little ones.