I'm 18 weeks and I really want to get prepared for this baby everything I have so far I've bought with my centre link money each pay even if it's my last 7 dollars I'll spend it on the baby. My boyfriend earns quite Alot of money and lives with me and has bought nothing because he thinks it's ages away till the baby comes the dumb ass even said its like 8 months aways stop stressing :/ ! (idiot) He's always out getting on it and I don't see him for days and he's getting up me because I got mad at him for going off for so long he told me he has a life and I'm being controlling and that when the baby comes he will be there 24/7 he doesn't want to sit at home and do nothing like a loser and saying how boring that would be yet that's what I do everyday. I think he's being so unfair I love him but he's just not understanding where I'm coming from at all! How do I make him
I agree, we had children young and I guess I was one of the lucky ones who's partner stuck around. We are the only one out of our group of friends who had children young who are still together!. The only thing you can do is calmly talk to him about how you feel and that you hope he will take some more interest in the exciting time getting ready for baby's arrival. You cant change him he will be the father he want's to be.
I hope you guys can work it out together
I'll be blunt. Run a mile. He will not change. If he's like this now, when he has a screaming infant or toddler he will be even less inclined to hang around. He sounds immature and not ready to be in a relationship, let alone be a father.
I am sorry you are in this situation There are plenty of men out there that will treat you decently. Dont waste your time on a boy that disrespects you and the child you are carrying.
The other thing I would add is that you might want to declare to Centrelink that you are living together - or move. If they find out (which they will), you will have a massive debt hanging over your head. That is the last thing you need.
Helping to take care of you while you're pregnant (including keeping you healthy and happy and calm) is part of being a father.
Buying things up in advance while the sales are on, etc, and before you're too big and uncomfortable to easily get to the shops is prudent. Good for you.
If you are going to be living together as a family, you will need to make some important decisions about how you're going to spend money on things - the bills, the rent, the baby ... everything. And you'll need to figure out how you're going to deal with conflict resolution, and day to day things, like how often you will each be ok with the other being out, and so forth.
These aren't things that you want to be figuring out once the baby is here. You'll have enough new and stressful things to deal with, without having the debate about whether it's controlling or fair enough for you to expect him to be home by a certain time every night, and arguing about whether you get a night out every week too, or whether it's his job or yours to buy nappies or breastfeeding tops or a rocker or whatever.
Things don't always go to plan. Maybe breastfeeding won't be for you. Will he do overnight feeds, so you can sleep? What if you need a c-section, and can't drive for 6 weeks, or lift things? Will he take time off work and take care of you? What if you're in hospital for a while? Or if you're sick afterwards?
Make a list of things you need to sort out between the two of you, and start living it now - his attitude won't magically change once the baby arrives - and you owe it to yourself and to your baby to find out now whether he's going to be around.
I think alot if guys feel this way about buying baby stuff and if he has a decent amount if money then perhaps more so. If you have very little money or a tight budget then starting to buy things early is a necessity.
My hubby and his family refused to get anything til the very end of my pregnancy with ds2. but with ds1 and dd we weren't living with his parents so i had more control.
You need to work out what you need from a partner and don't settle for less.
Talk with your bf, tell him how u feel, what you want and when u want to do it. And take it from there
Sent from my Galaxy with the barefoot princess covering me in kisses, so please forgive the mistakes
I tell him we need to get prepared he just doesn't understand why, he wants to be able to spend his money on what he wants for as long as he can before everything is about the baby. I understand but it's a different story I completely changed everything and have focused on the baby's well being and organizing from day one but he would rather leave things last minute because he won't have a life after this he reckons. And ofcourse he's not a complete ******* he does support me in a lot of ways he's just the type of person that will give me money to shut me up and id rather have no money I'd rather have him here with me instead of running around being a child we are young I just don't see him changing overnight but there's nothing I can do I probably won't leave him. But when I think of this child I think of it as mine not ours and even though he's here i feel like a single mother. Yes I no I should have thought about centrelink before I put him on the lease but (gets better) he has a trial at supreme court in 4 months and there's a good chance he's going to jail. I feel like im dating a derro sometimes but I can't help how I feel no matter his mistakes hummm! I want to give him a wake up call, when we have an arguement I have threatened to break up with him a couple times and he turns into this sooky baby that cries at my feet says he can't live with out me. It's like I'm only his gf when it suits him, I'm a very chilled out person and have let him do what he wants the whole relationship until I got pregnant is when I started to say something I suppose he's just used to me letting him go. As much as it did annoy me I wouldn't say anything because i didn't want to be the ***** girlfriend now he calls me the witch. Ah can't win men are pigs.
Last edited by nothing2lose; July 22nd, 2012 at 03:56 PM.
: Removing reference to violence
Not all men are pigs, hun. If theres ever a time that he shouldnt be being a complete tool lacking in support would be while you're growing his child! May I ask, did you guys plan this baby together? If he doesnt understand why you need to be prepared its because he doesnt want to understand, nothing more. Certainly sounds like he needs to grow up and either take responsibility or you need to find someone who will treat you with respect. You say he supports you in a lot of way ie financially, is that really the only support you want your child to have from this man?!? Personaly, I think most people deserve a man who will respect and understand you
Yeah only
Financially I've suffered with severe depression in the past and
Over come Alot
Of humps but until the other day when the doctor said something infront of him about my past he was shocked he had no idea i was ever depressed or depressed now and he just wants me to talk to him I don't no what it is I just don't feel comfortable comforting in him with anything even though I do think maybe he would have a little change of heart if I sat down and thoroughly explained how I'm feeling but for some
Reason I feel he should just no and
I shouldn't have to tell him even though hes not a mind reader. But he can also be so beautiful to me at times and I suppose I just no his potential and want him to change I don't want a broken family. It's just sad I got out of a 3 year abusive relationship and pretty much fell into his arms but in ways my old abusive partner emotionally destroyed me but he had more understanding towards me and I could tell him anything which did destroy me but Hayden is missing that element that I had with my ex but doesn't hurt me as much as my ex hurt me but sometimes I'd rather be hurt then be left in the dark. I wish bub
Was here already
Frankly, it sounds like he's being completely immature and irrational.
He already has a baby. It's not ok for him to "spend his money on what he wants for as long as he can before everything is about the baby". Not everything is about the baby now, nor will it ever be, but what does he expect - that you both will ignore the fact that all things being well, in 19-24 weeks there will be a baby, and you'll have nothing for him or her? If he's not spending anything on the baby now, then why should you? Is he then going to run off when you go into labour, to buy a carseat, a crib, clothes, nappies, blankets, and everything else you'll need? I'm betting not.
The baby is not your sole responsibility from now until birth, and then suddenly he takes 50% of the expenses then. That's not how families work.
That's like someone saying that they want to keep doing whatever they want with their money and sleeping with everything that moves, because they're getting married in a few months. Relationships, responsibilities and values don't change on a particular date or at the flick of a switch. Either he's going to man up now, or he needs to let you know.
And you can completely have a life once the baby is born. DH and I don't get out as much as we used to, but still manage a social event every week or so, we see family once a week too, we catch up with friends, we have people around for dinner, and so forth. It just takes a little more planning to either go places we can take a baby (now two babies!) or to organise a babysitter - either at our place, or theirs ... life does not stop, we can still go out for drinks, it's just a more intentional effort.
I understand but it's a different story I completely changed everything and have focused on the baby's well being and organizing from day one but he would rather leave things last minute because he won't have a life after this he reckons.
It's appropriate that you have changed, and are focussed on the baby's wellbeing. He should be too. Not everyone is the same - in my relationship, I am the planner, the organiser, the list maker, but my DH supports me 100% and while we naturally discuss decisions, there's no way that he would expect me to do everything just because I was the one getting things sorted out!
This isn't about him needing to give you money to shut you up - if he's planning on doing this parenting malarkey as a team, and being a part of his baby's life, he needs to be participating. That includes providing financially, now as well as later.
It won't be overnight, but there should be some movement by 18 weeks, surely ...
If you're thinking about things in terms of being a single mother, then perhaps start living that way, and having the few benefits that go with it - Centrelink ... autonomy ... and realising now that you won't be trying to rely on him later ...
No ultimatums, no tantrums, no threats, no name calling, no revolving door relationship ... figure out what you will be ok with once the baby is here - for the baby's sake and stability - and then start expecting that for YOU from now on.
Start getting yourself - and him - used to the "post baby" way of things now, and minimise the transitional stress for yourself and for the baby. There will be enough for you to do and acclimatise to then, without adding stresses that you can resolve now.
Get couples counselling, and see if you can resolve things, and if he will man up. If he won't do it on his own, you can't make him or change him or pressure him to become something he's not, and you need to know and accept that now.
I hope you can get to a place where you are feeling safe and comfortable and supported, whether that's with this man or apart from him.
I honestly wouldn't bother trying to get him to go to counselling. How long have you been together? Do you really, really want to expose your baby to him, or do you just feel a little vulnerable and reliant on him? I'd get out now, before it all becomes too hard. When the baby is here, you'll be trapped. Please really consider whether you want to do this to yourself and your baby, because this guy will not change, not for you, and not for your baby. I promise you, nothing will switch on in him and make him different when the baby arrives, and you'll be left trying to pick up all the pieces. So go now and seek support from your family. You're very young and you sound incredibly resilient and sensible, you'll be okay without him with some family support. Don't let him drag you down
Thanks for everyone's supportive and helping words ! I approached him and finally could word together everything I needed to say for him to realize what he's doing ofcourse it's the whole Ill change I'm so sorry blah blah ofcourse his words mean nothing to me but we will see his actions and if no changes I won't hesitate to do what's best xo
He says he wants to spend how he wants but he needs to thinks of the baby if he goes to jail.
How is he going to pay for items when he is not there and that money is no longer coming in?
Also he needs to remember that not all babies go full term. Is he going to be prepared to go out on his own and get everything that will be needed if this happens?
Exactly but I'm dammed with him
And I'm dammed with out him, i did rely on him Alot but when it comes to this baby stuff hes just so rediculous and non understanding as to why these things need to be done . I could say it to him a million times why does he not get it!
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