How to prevent him turning into a spoilt brat!

[FabFiona]

My DS1 is turning 3 in November. He's very bright and has great language skills. He's also obsessed with trains, particularly of the Thomas and Chuggington variety.

He has two sets of grandparents who if I let them, would buy him the entire range of Thomas and Chuggington in a heartbeat. We have very strict rules about Christmas and birthday presents so it doesn't get out of control. However lately, it seems that the 'presents just because I'm visiting' have increased.

Over the last 2 weeks, DS1 has started to ask us to buy him stuff. Whether it's a 'present' or specifically asking for a Chugger or Thomas train by name. He asks over and over again and becomes quite upset when we say no. We try distraction, but he does get quite fixated on a particular train (whatever it is) and gets upset when we don't immediately rush to the shop.

Last weekend, DS1 had been asking for Action Chugger, which is a train from Chuggington. He asked for a good few hours. DH doesn't get to buy much stuff for the kids, so asked me if we could have a fun trip into the city to buy him Action Chugger. I said no, as I didn't want to give into this and teach him that asking and whining gets you something. DH agreed, but then when I went out later DS1 got really upset and so DH raised it again with me and I said OK, let's go. I can't have it my way every time, so on this one I agreed with his strategy.

The next morning, DS1 kicked off a massive tantrum because we wouldn't buy him Dunbar (another train). I just looked at DH who understood the mistake we'd made. But then when we were visiting my MIL's place that night, out pops Dunbar! Turns out DS1 had mentioned that he wanted him so she went out to buy it for him.

DH realises we need to do something about this so he's not a problem, but I'm not sure what strategy we should take.

I'm not worried about the grandparents. I can be pretty scary and they are very respectful of our decisions, so will say what they are told.

I'm just not sure what we should be saying? I don't want DS1 to think he can get whatever he wants, whenever he wants. I want him to value what he has. I want him to look forward to his birthday and Christmas because getting a present is special, not a daily occurance. We are members of our toy library, so he understands that not all the toys are his and that we return stuff every few weeks.

Any advice?

Cheers,
Fiona

[MulwareeRainbow]

Introduce him to one in, one out. When he wants/gets a new one he nominates a toy to donate to Vinnies. Of course you will need to let the grandparents in on the strategy so they realise what will have to happen if they give him a new toy, but I think that might work in your favour too.

[Tinks]

Use them as rewards for good behaviour or doing jobs. When he gets all upset because you're not buying the latest train, tell him he has to do xyz first then you'll take him out (on a day YOU specify, not immediately) to buy it.

[OceanPrincess]

Has he got a money box or piggy bank? We have started explaining to DD (3.5) that toys cost money to buy and if she wants that $15 Dora necklace set ( ) she needs to save up and buy it herself. She doesn't have the concept yet of how much exactly she needs - and she only gets money every now and then for various reasons so she doesn't have a lot - but it's the idea we are trying to set up that we don't go to the shops just to buy her something and she can save up and get it herself in future.

[misty]

We have never had that issue with any of our kids, I think for a couple of reasons (NOT saying that I have all the solutions, I just believe that these things have helped us avoid that problem).
a) they always have to share everything all the time with their siblings (no getting around that in this house)
b) DH and I are very open about money and have always explained how we cann't spend money on whatever it is they want because we only have x amount and we need to pay mortgage, bills and food etc.
c) If our kids want anything, they either have to wait until their birthdays (and hope for the best) or they have to earn and save their own money to pay for it - even the 3yr old. (In fact they have all been doing that since 2yrs old). They may not understand the precise value of the money, but it is a great way of teaching them, and it is a great deterant when the three year old asks for something. "Do you have any money?" "yes? - But you need more for that toy" "No? - well you will need to earn some and save up first".

FWIW - Nanna still spoils them. All the time. But they know that that is a 'Nanna" thing, and they know not to ask, or I hit the roof.

My newphew asks for things ALL the time, pestering non-stop. He is an only child and has grandparents who spoil him on both sides - my sister gives him more then my kids ever get (which is normal when there is only one kid as oposed to 4) but she doesn't 'spoil' him. He is 7yrs old. I use the same techniques on him as I do for my kids. He still asks a fair bit - but doesn't pester me about it when I say 'no' anymore; although I know for a fact he still pesters everyone else.


ETA - Just reread and this sounds harser then anything I intended. IIt wasn't a judgement at all - I am just trying to type with a squirmy baby feeding and kicking the computer at the same time. I am not meaning to imply anythhing about only children or anything like that, just trying to point out the aspects that make a difference on this issue between families with multiple children close in age and single child families or families with children spaced, that can affect how we handle these issues and perhaps offer alternaties to consider in a situation where an emtitlement attitude is arising. IYKWIM?

[RoyaUK]

misty, i have used with my kids the same approach (gifts for special occasions only), but am now at the stage of 'they need to earn and save to be able to purchase'. What do your kids earn things for and how much do they get?

[Artechim]

We set up a reward chart when DS was wanting to get his own stuff out of season. Works really well. He has to do a job to earn a tick and when he has enough ticks I give him some money. Part of me thinks he should help around the house because he is part of the family and we should all pitch in but then the rest of me realises that he is a small kid and he doesn't have any other option for earning money.

The other thing we do is when he is really wanting something in the month or two before birthday/christmas is tell him to put it on his birthday list and see what happens.

[~Hestia~]

I don't have any advice but just wanted to say we're going through something similar here. Moo has just turned 3 and is obsessed with trains and trucks. This week for the first time he actually went through a catalogue and found a cement mixer. Well he carried this around with him for a few days, mentioned it every chance he got etc etc. We caved in and while shopping for something else, told he he could go and get it. He knew exactly what he wanted! Ran into the right shop, straight for that particular section and got the cement mixer off the shelf. We initially thought it was a little funny...until we got home and he got hold of the catalogue again and picked out a dump truck from the same page...now he keeps asking to go shopping again. So am interested in the replies you get!

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I explain to DS about money, budgetting and finances. So we can't buy him Angry Birds and food - which is going to win? I've done this from a young age: you can't have this because we can't afford it.

Having said that, DS has lots of stuff as family buy him quite a lot, I will buy him books and games to play together when sales are on (so jigsaws, board games, even athletics kits). He has a large box of wooden railway - and I refused to buy him a second system so he could get everything all over again.

For his Annual Big Gift days, I put away most of the toys once he has opened them and picked the one he wants to play with now, so it's like he gets something new every month. Even some of the older stuff is "new" once it comes back into rotation.

However, given that your child is constantly demanding rather than opportunistic or you offering, what other people do with children who don't demand toys all the time is different. DS is happy with a new toy for months at a time and won't ask for a new one straight away (although he pretends all his toys are angry birds/bad piggies atm, so I don't actually need to buy him the plush toys he is after). When DS starts getting demanding, I just say no. He has been rude. If he isn't polite, thankful and realising how much he does have, he doesn't deserve more. I don't like demands and tantrums so refuse to acknowledge them.

[black_rose]

We have introduced the idea of pocket money and saving for toys. And also explained that we can't always buy new toys just because they would like them. We donate toys to salvos and also some of their money to the royal childrens hospital.

I think it's an age thing too at three they just want everything and don't understand their boundaries.

[misty]

misty, i have used with my kids the same approach (gifts for special occasions only), but am now at the stage of 'they need to earn and save to be able to purchase'. What do your kids earn things for and how much do they get?

The clean or do other chores around the house (they don't get paid for every chore though, this is extra chores onto of regular household chores). The kids know that they oly get 'extra' paid work if they do the other jobs (set table, clear table, tidy toys away) that they are exected to do as regular chores first. How much they get paid is dependant on how labor intensive the chore is. It may be 20cents or it may be $2 (for the 2yr old its almost always a 50c peice because they are the biggest lol; the 6.5yr old understands the worth of coins, so she wants the gold ones ). But it is always a small amount, because then they actually have to save to buy what they want; so it teaches the value of working, the value of saving and the value of money. Sometimes, they will ask Nanna or Granda or one of their aunties or uncles if they have any work for them to do (they love that more, because they know they get paid more )

ETA: On occaision, when Angel has found something she desperately wants on sale, I have bought it and put t up in the cupboard and she has had to earn all the money and then ay me for it before she could actually have it. (We call it home layby, and it took her 5mths to pay the last one off (ZuiZui pets and track); but it is now he most prized possession)