Background:
My sister is 22 and tomorrow I will pick her up from the airport as a surprise return home from the US for Christmas (we were all expecting her in January and only my dad and I know she is flying in.) Two weeks ago she found out she was pregnant. She has been with her boyfriend for about four or five months. They were both working on a cruise ship sailing the Caribbean with a very care free (and broke) lifestyle. Her boyfriend flies home to his family in Italy this week. Her boyfriends family were not happy to hear of the pregnancy and asked how they could 'make the problem go away'. He has promised to stand by my sister and support her and the baby despite this. My sister was on the pill and as no idea how far along she is.
The plan so far:
Sister will move in with my parents who have a room for her and baby. Her boyfriend will come over for two weeks 'sometime after Christmas' to see her. He then has to go back onto a ship. He is hoping to get transferred to an Australian ship so that they can see each other occasionally. I have booked her an appointment with an ob so that she can try and figure out her dates (like me her af is all over the place).
Other than the above it is a bit of a wait and see game.
Questions:
- What did/would you want to hear when finding out about an unplanned pregnancy? I can tell her she will be fine, it will all work out but maybe she doesn't want to hear that! I have not been in this situation, all I know is she is petrified.
- If her boyfriend follows his families wishes (and given they live on opposite sides of the world this could easily happen) would he need to pay child support?
- Can he or his family fight to take the baby to Italy if it is born here?
- Any suggestions on helping her through a pregnancy she will go through without direct partner support (even if they stay together he will not physically be here) and straight into motherhood as a sole parent?
I want to help her become excited about this new stage she is about to embark on but I also want to validate how she is feeling. All without being an overbearing big sister!
Congrats on becoming an aunty-to-be! I can't answer your questions about what to do or say. My only suggestion would be to book her into a GP before an ob as she will need a referral to be able to claim the ob on Medicare. She probably doesn't even need an ob at this stage as a GP should be able to book in a dating scan for her. I would probably keep the ob appointment JIC, but get a GP appt in beforehand and request the referral. If she is a broke as you say, she may not be able to afford an ob for the whole pg. HTH
Thanks. I was shocked at first to hear the news but have become excited that we will have babies so close in age.
I was meant to say a gp/ob. He bulk bills and will go through the public system so that will hopefully help save money. He is also very nice so I'm hoping she will feel she can trust him.
Perhaps someone could even share what it was like to have an unplanned pregnancy, go through a pregnancy without a partner or becoming a sole parent early in the parenting journey. I figure the more I know about the ups and downs the more I can be there for her.
Helping her arrange to see a gp would be the first step so she can get scans/bloods taken and referals done. They also can give her a booklet about birthing options in Australia. Does she know you have made the ob appointment? I might be a bit taken aback if someone had made a medical appointment for me without my knowledge and she may decide on a different birthing path. I think if you let her know you are there for her to listen and to help then step back and follow her lead, the reality of a suprise pregnancy may still be sinking in.
Our first was a suprise and the hardest thing was telling everyone, so your support will mean a lot to her. Having options helped, knowing if things didnt work out in the relationship I could move in with Mum helped. Things went well and 7 years and three children later we are still going strong.
Congratulations on becoming an Aunty to be, how lovely your little one and their cousin will be close in age
Don't know anything about pregnancy in Australia but do know about overseas parents.
Unless things are different with Australia and Italy (my experience is Australia & England) he won't have to pay child support. All the CSA can do is ask him to pay but it's voluntary.
Good luck to your sister and I hope she has a good Christmas with you all.
Sorry, no ideas about the legal side of things. Maybe it's worth contacting a lawyer at some stage as putting the boyfriends name on the birth certificate will have some potential implications?
I think you should just let her know that you'll be there to support her no matter what decisions she makes in her pregnancy and beyond.
And maybe recommend online forums as a good source of knowledge and support
Your sister is lucky to have such a supportive family.
I can't help much but I imagine that this is going to be very emotional for all of you - helping her to navigate these uncharted (for you) waters. If I were in her shoes, I would want my sister to have her listening ears on, plenty of hugs, boxes of tissues, my fav comfort food, and some distractions. Whilst it IS important to get her checked to determine her EDD and so on, it will be very hard if everything is made to be about the baby.
I think you're an awesome sister to be so concerned and looking out for her. I hope her BF stands by her and the baby.
Hi there. My sister had an unplanned pregnancy this year and gave birth to my nephew in October. Her situation was a little different as she fell pregnant as her relationship was ending and throughout the pregnancy it was uncertain whether her ex was the father or a one night stand she had just following the break up. Turns out it was the one night stand so she is 100% on her own. She was living interstate when she fell pregnant and has moved back to be close to family.
It was very scary for her and probably still is. However, she is completely besotted by her son and will be the first to tell you that he is the best thing she has ever done. They make quite a team.
As far as what you can do to support her. I had to make a big effort not to smother her. It's easy as the more experienced sibling to want to give constant advice but it can be too much. I kept thinking back to when I was pregnant with my first how I would have reacted to be "organised" by someone else. I answered her if she asked for advice and I gave my opinion if she asked for it but otherwise, I just helped by providing the excitement. Let her make all the decisions a first time mum should get to make. Let her make the mistakes we all learn from and be there to answer if she asks for help or advice. Be her soft place if she needs to cry or scream or laugh.
And congratulations on becoming an Aunty. It's pretty cool!
I'll come back and write more later but I had an unplanned pregnancy which I found out when I was 16 weeks preg, the father was not involved during the pregnancy and is only minimally involved now. It is tough, but rewarding and just reassure her until you have more details about dates etc
Thanks everyone.
Mother Goose - good point about not making it all about the baby. It is hard for me at the moment not to focus on the baby because I'm in complete nesting mode. I think I will make a consious effort when I pick her up tomorrow to firstly ask her all the normal stuff I ask when she returns from being away for the nine months and get her to show me all her photos. I'm thinking a movie night at one point will be good too.
Glenny-c - not smothering her is going to be the hardest part. I have a tendency to want to save her even though she is not a baby any more. I will prob need to offer her somewhere to come and have some time out as I can imagine moving home after lots of freedom will be hard. Must.be.sister/friend.and not take over!
K4t - good point about the birth certificate. At this point I think she would be really hurt if I pointed out that her bf may not follow through with his promises and that this could be even more difficult so will wait until after he visits and they have time to make a plan and discuss things further before I say anything.
Novella - good point about making the appointment for her. We did discuss the appointment when she first told me of the pregnancy but that was when I thought she wasn't going to be home until the new year. I will let her know that the option is there but that she can cancel if she likes. I made it for 10 days after she gets home so that she had time to consider if she wanted to take the appointment and to digest being home first.
Rytha - would love to hear what your friends/family did that was helpful. Our immediate family will rally around but I'm sure she is going to face some nasty comments from extended family. She is someone who has a very strong character and presents as not caring what others say or do but underneath she is a softy.
I think at the moment it will be helping her come to terms with the change of direction her life is taking. The week after finding out she was pg she was offered a managers position on the ship. I think she is seeing her life as over rather than changing. I also think she is very scared about having no money. My first impression when talking to her bf via skype was that he seemed to be besotted by my sister and that he was a nice guy. Fingers crossed that first (brief and over the net) impression was right!
Help me support my sister
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