Is it normal to be THIS scared?? First Pregnancy.

[vader]

Hi, Im 32 weeks pregnant. Bit of background.... Im 40 and this is my first viable pregnancy. Have tried IVF (alone with donor) before but it failed. This pregnancy was a "mistake".... had only been seeing someone for a few months and WHAMO pregnant. WTF?!@?@? Well thats life right? LOL. Crazy. Anyhow he has been all over the place, we have broken up several times due to the pregnancy cos he is not sure if he wants to be a Dad just yet (his age is 37), initially wanted me to terminate etc etc so its been an emotiononal roller coaster. We are currenly "kind of" together and he has been slightly better, but we are still living separately and he says he will be there on "the day", but i have no idea what will happen past that point. He has just told me he may not be able to take leave from work but intends to be "supportive". Kind of a joke right?

For me, it has dampened my spirits about having this baby. The pregnancy itself has been really difficult - chronic MS til 27 weeks, hospitalised twice for same, and all the usual.... back ache, gestational diabetes, placenta pravia, insomnia, aches and pains, headaches... LOL you all know the drill!!! Consequently I have not enjoyed this pregnancy at all and am not looking forward to the arrival of my little one. I fear not coping, not sleeping, bleeding, pain from the impending c section (due to placenta pravia), and whats worse is I have no desire to breast feed. All the literature I read seems to reinforce how hard those first months are going to be LOL.

Am I going crazy or is it normal to be frightened??? I feel SO guilty for feeling this way, especially after all the years I have wanted children for.

[Santosha]

It makes complete sense to be that frightened. You're facing the unknown... you know it'll be huge and challenging and yet you don't really have any idea how it's going to pan out. How it will feel then. Which challenges? And what's more, your support is unpredictable. I suspect you'd potentially feel more sure of yourself if the father wasn't involved at all (not that that would be a good thing) but that sense of 'maybe' but who knows how much... well I don't doubt that that'd throw me too.

So it makes sense, and it's ok... don't beat yourself up, this is HUGE!!! There's plenty you can do to help you manage the anxiety though. Perhaps see if you carline up some supports that you know that you CAN rely on, whether they be friends and family, or professionals. Have you got support for the birth? Food in your freezer?

.... ugh, sorry. Baby awake! More to add but gotta run now. Meanwhile, big hugs. xoxo

[Saffy]

Yeah look I am 40 too and spent years trying to get pregnant, its a lot to process when you actually do get pregnant and then you face -an actual baby- yikes!!!!

Let alone if your baby daddy is giving you the run around- don't you love men in their late 30's who arent sure if they are ready to commit?? It must make things very difficult, not knowing if he is going to be there or not. Its probably better to expect not much from him at this stage and prepare to be doing it mostly by yourself.

You need to find people who are willing to help you- family, friends, who can help in the early days. Is your partners family involved? ( I'm sure his mum would want to be in the baby's life??).

As for breastfeeding ( and I'm a midwife and L.C.) don't do it if you don't want to! You would be better off doing what you feel comfortable with and getting it right, rather than trying to bf and hating it. Theres no law against formula feeding from the start and if that is going to work for you- fantastic! Another alternative is expressing and bottle feeding expressed milk.

Anyway, I think its perfetly normal to feel that way, Im aure all first time mums do, let alone if they have had a difficult pregnancy etc, but in the end everyone manages.
Has the hospital got some kind of a social worker or counsellor you can talk to before or after you have had your baby? I work in a private hospital and we get a number of women in the same situation as you ( ambivalent partner who may or may not be supportive) and there are support services you can access.

Best of luck for everything, you have done a brilliant job to get this far and no doubt when you meet your baby you will fall in love with him/her, irrespective of the circumstances.
massive hugs too and i hope your partner can man up and help you for this last bit, also don't feel guilty about your feelings, anyone would be the same in your shoes xxxxxxx

[Rivlas]

Sorry to hear he is not being 100% supportive.

I think you need to have a support person who will be there for you even if he does turn up.

I will let you into a little secret........most of us have felt what you are feeling. When you have your first child you are unsure of most of what is going to happen. As every person is different every pregnancy and birth is different.

Don't worry about the breast feeding. Once the baby is born you may wonder where alot of your fears were coming from.

Even though you are having a C/S go and talk to a midwife at the hospital where you are going. Let them know you are unsure of what to expect and ask them to explain any questions or doubts you have.

All the best with the remaining weeks you have before meeting your little one