She will look you in the eye and lie without even blinking. You could have video footage of her doing the act, show it to her and she will still swear black and blue it wasn't her or she didn't do it.
Even if I give complete immunity to the person if they own up within a certain time period she will still not admit to it and is willing to let her siblings also suffer with a group punishment (for bigger issues like things going missing or items getting broken) if it came to that.
I WILL NOT be lied to, its disrespectful and not acceptable in this house at all.
But I have no idea how to tackle this with her, I am ready to rip my hair out. Yes the majority are white lies and essentially do not hurt anyone, but the way she looks straight at you and says it makes my blood boil.
I feel your pain. My 13year old is a lier and basically always has been. Part of it I think is because her father who she has a poor relationship has lied alot to her. He also isn't a smart lier so its extremely obvious (like he insisted I only let him have her for 1hr last Christmas despite the fact he took her to his parents place for lunch which is a 40mins drive one way so impossible for him to only get an hour when its a 1hr20min trip just to get to his parents place and he actually had her for 6hrs) I have tried alot of things and nothing has stopped it so I can't offer any suggestions except to make sure she takes responsibility for it. Its hard when she is only 8. These are some of the things I have done when my daughter lies.
For example DD13 told her friends and teachers that I have no money and she doesn't get breaskfast and sometimes she has no food for school. So she was getting money for the canteen from the school office. I had to have an interview with the school to let them know this is not true and she is telling these lies to get money. Recently she told the school I riped up her school project as I had a temper tantrum. Well yes I did throw out some rubbish she refused to pick up which was under her table for 1 MONTH which definately was nothing to do with her school work but somehow she tried to convince her ag teacher she had done it but I destroyed it. So another interview to let him know she has not done it and she has had 8weeks to do it so when its finally due and its not done she makes some grand excuse (I also told him yes I did throw stuff out and could show him what that was but it had nothing to do with her school.
Unfortunately my DD has got herself in trouble with the police for lying. It cost quiet a few thousand dollars and I did make her take some responsibility for that (as much as an 11yr old could) and unfortunately that didn't help her to stop lying. Other things she does is forge my signature which the school is now aware she will do so as a parent of a child who lies you really need your eyes open and be one step ahead of them.
Its very hard as a parent when your not a lier yourself and you have a child that lies especially when it comes at a cost to other innocent people.
Wow Mildez I don't know how you handle that! Extremely full on and as a parent you just can't help but think that maybe its my fault that she is like this.
She tells me she lies so she doesn't get in trouble, yet she fails to realise that the lie gets her into more trouble the the original act. Half the time the original act is not even worth punishing but more of a I need to know who is responsible type thing.
Punishment in this house consists of being told off, lecture, possible loss of item or activity and time out.. and this doesn't phase her. She doesn't have electronic items to have taken away or anything along those lines, she is now so used to not be allowed to do things because I can not trust her that that punishment is losing effect. She doesn't have a currency as such that I could take from her to get her to realise its wrong and she also doesn't seem to care about anyone elses feelings in regards to the matter. At the moment her birthday is coming up and i am so fed up that I wish I had the balls to just let it pass by without celebrating it at all but just couldn't do that because she is just a child.
I grew up with a brother like this he would lie and deny a lot and I coped a lot of the blame. He still does it now as my mum let him get away with so much. Can't really offer much advice on how to deal with it though, maybe she needs to miss out on something everyone else gets to do?
Wow, that's pretty full on. My eldest DD has been a little prone to lying from time to time, but it tends to be more aspirational (ie she tells the version of events that she wishes happened), but that's in quite a different league to what's happening here. TBH, I think this might be one of those situations that required some specialized help, via a psychologist or someone like that. Seeing someone could have 2 lots of benefits - give her a chance to work on her underlying feelings, as well as give you strategies for confronting the lying.
I take a pretty hard approach to lying, its one thing that I will not tolerate in my house. I'm happy to tell you on Facebook but not here on a gentle parenting website
Is she introverted/shy? I was like this when I was a kid, and I lied because I didn't like the attention that came with owning up. I didn't like lying but I didn't want to say I did something wrong and then have to have a whole conversation about it. Especially if asked in front of other people if I did something, I would always lie. My parents didn't handle it very well, so I don't have any suggestions there but could you change your approach or talk with her more about why she doesn't want to get in trouble?
Sepata- nope not shy at all... very confident loud child LOL
Tinks- have sat down and explained til blue in the face why honestly is important. She doesn't make up stories so I guess thats a bonus. Just cant admit the truth about things she has done wrong.
Marydean- we have involved the school counselor and she has also participated in after school programs for kids who are from 'broken homes' as such etc and they have talked about lying but she doesnt care.
My next step is to speak to her teacher, she has a new lady this year who is awesome so maybe she will have some ideas on how to deal with it.
DS2 is similar. looks you in the eyes and lies with a staright face. He'll cry and scream if you call him on it.
*following line may be distressing for some*
"Tell me true and I wont tell you off, lie to me and you'll get a smack" when they are little if they tell the truth they get a kiss
DS2 is 5, so he gets 3 chances to be true. Sometimes he changes his story and sometimes he doesn't. But the policy is there for everybody and its a constant.
I don't think you can stop them from lying, but they can know what will happen if they do.
We also talk about trust and I tell them if they lie then I cant help them, if they tell me the truth then I will always try to help.
We were having a lot of problems in this area with DS1 and DS2 a while ago. It culminated in them destroying someone else's property then lying until it was obvious they were caught. We sat down as a family and created a "trust contract" which they, and I, all signed and stuck up on the fridge. The consequence for breaking the contract was removal of all privileges (TV, Wii, plays with friends, etc) whereas consistent sticking to the contract meant a very slow reinstatement of the same. We have the contract on the fridge where everyone can see it but to be honest it had a fairly overnight effect and lying, fighting, etc all reduced very fast. It helps that they hold each other to account as well as taking individual responsibility. I made DS1 (who was the biggest liar in the house) write the contract himself and he takes a certain pride in being responsible for it. Could something like that work for your DD?
I like the sound of the contract Trav!! Will be suggesting to DH when he gets home.
unfort with a new baby coming I cant see things getting easier before they get harder though...
The only thing that dd8 has which she would be devastated if it was taken away from her is her football, and well as a parent i believe that a child needs a after school activity and its also a team sport so by her not playing its not just her getting punished her whole team is affected and to me that is wrong so am not willing to pull her out of that or use it as punishment.
My DD1 is 10 and is something of a liar - she often won't own up to doing something I am certain she has done. We have talked about trust and about the fact that lying only gets her in more trouble (oh, what a tangled web we weave...!!). If I am certain that she is lying she receives two punishments instead of one - one for the initial act and the other for lying. So, I might deny her access to her iPad for whatever she has done and deduct a dollar from her pocket money for the lie. It works well enough and if I remind her that she will be in more trouble for lying she will own up to it maybe 50% of the time. Often, if she owns up to what she has done I let her off without punishment for the act as reward for the honesty. DD is a pretty good kid and doesn't often break the rules, but I can't stand the dishonesty of lying to me with a straight face.
My step daughter can also look you in the eye and lie. It's completely frustrating and we have tried all sorts of things. Even, rather cruelly I suppose in retrospect, of outing her at the dinner table in front of everyone. The thing is that it didn't seem to bother her. She just shrugs it off. It's horrible when you are being told one thing and think that you are building trust with a person (particularly if that person is your child or stepchild) only to find out that they have been lying to you.
At christmas she told her best friend that DH gave her an iPhone when he didn't. We didn't give her any sort of phone. I asked her what she would tell her best friend when she saw her and she just shrugged her shoulders and said, probly tell her I'd lost it (sic).
I don't get it. I don't understand. And, I also don't tolerate lies in my house.
*hugs* hun, no advice just some: you're not the only one.
I don't have alot of advice but a teenager who lived with us was a compulsive liar. It was very important to be on the same page with anyone involved with her. This meant teachers, counsellor, principal, her docs workers etc. we would liase daily. Any conversations had were in front of all adults about major decisions. I'm not sure how to help with a younger child and white lies tho except making sure your DH and the school know exactly how it is.
Just a thought, can you talk to her footy coach so that if she does break the contract her coach can ensure she starts on the bench or plays in her least favourite spot or something, so that the team doesn't suffer but she still gets punished?
DD8 CONSTANTLY lying...
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