Emotional meltdown- warning to all LT TTC

[Bianeczka]

Hello to all you lovely hard working ladies out there!

it's tough for all of us, particularly those who have tried assisted conception methods a few times without success. I guess i jsut wanted to give out a bit of a warning to all of you out there so that what happened to me doesnt happen to others. Basically i have ben TTC for 5 years now. I have endo, had a lap 3 years ago, hubby is all good, and apart from endo with me, there doesnt appear to be anything wrong- i ovulate well without drugs and regularly like clock work. So its been a long hard road for me as i never quite (still dont!) understand why i cant conceive our first child. I tried IUI twice (took me a while to accept i needed assisted reprod, for me, natural was always going to be the only way! how wrong was i!), then had 6 IVF attempts from 4 cycles. all BFN. Over the years the constant barrage of pressure from others, people asking where my kids are, people telling me that my parents 'would love to be grand parents', and the almsot continuous flow of weekly pregnancy and birth announcements from others who had known their partners for 5 mintues, this all took its toll on me. I talked with girlfriends about it sure, and my husband, but thats not the same as talking with your girlfriends! But otherwise i internalised it all, and after my 6th failed attempt last july i had had enough and didnt know what to do anymore.

I threw all my supplements, tablets, everything! into the back of the cupboard and closed the door on it all, i was sick to death of all the BS and false hope doctors were giving me, and sick of the whole system. I delved into work whole-heartedly, what i didnt realise was that i was shutting the door on my fertility issues, internalising it more, and letting it get deeper and deeper under the surface, without a resolution or without a way of moving forward with it. I worked solidly the second half of last year, and got so stressed with work, that i had a week long panic episode in November. I then just moved on, like nothing had happened. I put myself under extreme pressure with my business, others, saying yes to everyone and everything....then, finally after taking 3 weeks off, i came home and my mind and body literally crashed. This was in early february and im still recovering...

I had panic and anxiety attacks, ive lost a few kilo as didnt eat for a while and basically couldnt cope with anyone or anything anymore. The slightest activity like making dinner made me feel sick. I am seeing a psych- who has helped me get to the bottom of it- surprise, surprise- my unaddressed fertility issues. The meltdown spurred on by excessive pressure and demands in other areas of life, leading to an absolute shutting down cos 'my bucket was full and overflowing'. There is only so much stress a person can take. Dont let this happen to you! If infertility, IVF and constant BFN, and constant pregnancy and birth announcements around you are making you think a lot, get upset, making you have sleepless nights, worrying about how lonely life can be without a family....then i urge you to speak with a psychologist or counsellor. I internalised it all and worked too hard, bad mistake...... we all need an outlet and a chance to connect with our inner-selves. You need to talk with friends, pscyhs, write, get it out there to help you deal with it. The past couple of months have been one of the scariest in my life, with now my mental health at the forefront of my mind rather than fertility action.

I am now writing, meditating, reading and relaxing more. Spend some time each week connecting with your inner self and how you feel- dont let this build up of pressure manifest itself into panic and anxiety, that i tell you can linger for a while and affect your life. sorry about the essay, i just want people to look after themselves during these stressful and upsetting IVF times......take care all....xx

[myturn]

I am so sorry that you have had that experience B!

I started seeing a psych in June last year and best thing I have done, felt myself going down that road and its been so tough since then, but I'm getting there. I guess we all have a journey and its hard work LTTTC

: hug:

[Miss.B]

I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles Bianeczka I second what myturn has said, seeing a psychologist just puts everything in perspective and helps you cope with whatever it is that makes your life so stressful. I've started to see a psych a few years ago on a mental health plan for a different reason, and she hes helped me immensely. I'm thinking that with my current struggles (feeling like a dinosaur in the fertility department and facing a real possibility that our DS won't have a sibling) I will need to see someone soon as I'm feeling more and more depressed (I've moved past the stressed stage to the depressed stage now ). I hope that you continue to work on yourself and make yourself happy and healthy as much as possible during your TTC journey. Big hugs xoxo

[Lenny]

Thanks for taking the time to share your struggles with us. You have had a really tough time. I hope your mental health continues to improve, and that reading your story might help someone else who is struggling.

[MrsBwantingabub]

Thank you B for sharing your story. That is really lovely of you to share it with us so that if/when someone else feels like you have/does they know to seek help as they are hearing it from someone that has really struggled.

Have you considered seeing another Fs? As someone else looking at your situation may beable to shed some light and can do something different to help you get that baby you desire to have.

I wish you all the best with it all.

[jen86]

wow what a story, i could imagine it would be quite common among people TTC. When i was reading your story i found myself relating to some of the things you mentioned. My DH and i haven't even tried IVF yet and i feel i have put immense pressure on myself to conceive. I already lock myself in a room for a few days when our siblings/friends announce their expecting. I just need the time to process the news. Your story is a reminder that we need to look after ourselves. Thank you for sharing your story.

[Bianeczka]

Thank you all so much for your lovely words of support. I am pretty happy with how many people have looked at my post, i wanted it to reach far and wide, and this is something that i know that happens to people in regards to all sorts of stresses in life - a nervous breakdown- but its not necessarily talked about in terms of LT TTC.

Mrs B - yes i will be going to another FS. All of my IUI and IVF attempts have been at the one clinic, but i have been recommended another doctor at Melbourne IVF who i will be re-booking with. I originally booked with her and had to wait 2 months, but had to cancel cos of what happened to me. I will be re-booking again soon as i am feeling more of myself (its taken nearly 3 months though, scary).

Jen86- yes you need to propertyly process other people's good news and not go to bed stewing on it. I did this for years, would get upset, cry, but wake up the next day and move on. My psych thinks i didnt really process it very well and it all just built up inside. It's good to spend some time processing, writing, thinking, talking to others when you get this sort of news (or some bad news too). This not only helps to process, but assists in trying to turn your unhappy thoughts about not being able to conceive into something more positive and accepting. I think if i had done this from the start (hard though) then none of this would have happened. I have since accepted many things, have written out a couple pages of positive affirmations in relation to my fertility and read them out to myself when i meditate. This helps me to accept, move on in a more positive way, which will then in turn improve my mental health and help me continue my TTC journey.

Thank you all, these forums are the best for reaching people when there are limited others around who understand what you are going through. This is a group therapy session on the internet!

Big hugs and all the best with your journeys, stay healthy B.

[juniper76]

IF is a hard road to walk, especially alone. I'm sorry to hear you found yourself in such a terrible place, but glad that you found the help you need to recover. I know for sure I was on that road before we got our long-awaited BFP and reading your story is a frightening glimpse of what might have been...

I hope your health continues to improve and you find your happiness and freedom from the burden of IF. Thank you for sharing your story.

If/when you decide to resume TTC, you're be welcome to join us on the LT TTC thread (even if you're not doing any treatments). Best of luck to you!

[oneday86]

wow so sorry to hear your heartache! The infertility rollercoaster is certainly a horrible one and it breaks my heart to hear other peoples sad times. While trying to conceive my daughter I felt the same way, I worked with children (stupid me) and like you I constantly had ppl telling me they were pregnant. I think I got to this numb point, where I just emotionally gave up and when we finally fell pregnant on our 6th attempt I honestly couldn't believe it until I saw the baby on ultrasound and even then I was scared to death she would be taken from me. I was only saying to my husband last night how much that time in our lives has changed me, good and bad. I'm very judgemental now of others having children and I still envy ppl when they fall pregnant straight away. Im a stress head now and have slight OCD. On a positive note I feel like the luckiest person everyday to have my daughter and I appreciate her so much more then what I would have if I didn't go through this journey.

Life really isn't fair and I guess we will never know why some of us endure so much heartache but I do believe in miracles and what happens is supposed to happen. I hope that you get your baby, without even knowing you I know you would be a fantastic mother, never give up.