Deep breath. I have some questions but I hope you don't mind, I also just want to express my thoughts.
I've lost my innocence. I never thought I'd be writing in here. I just had an early miscarriage and until now my biggest worry was that it would take ages to conceive a sibling for DD as she was the product of a long time TCC. I didn't expect to fall pregnant only four months after my breast feeding cycles became regular again only to lose it.
I'm not sure I'm allowed to feel so upset because I wasn't far along. In fact I don't like saying how far along I was for that reason. But I will because it was still a real pregnancy and I just bled out real human (or pre-human) tissue. I was only 4 weeks 2 days but this bubba implanted very early as I was over the moon to test positive with a hpt only 8 days past ovulation. And my dates weren't out. So I was testing almost every day and getting proper positives (they were definitely getting darker overall though some days were lighter) for days for seven days in a row. AF due date came and went. On the morning of 14 dpo (Thursday, one day after AF was due) I got a quick pregnant 1-2 weeks with a Clearblue digital. I felt relaxed and I was secretly proud of this poppy sized bubba because he implanted so early! He must be eager, he must be strong.
Then Friday morning I wiped after the toilet and there was a tiny bit of blood. Pink and watery. Of course I freaked out but was hopeful. My baby implanted over a week ago, he must be well and truly comfortable now! But I couldn't go to a doctor (I hadn't even been to confirm the pregnancy yet) because we had to catch a plane to the other side of the country for a wedding in a tiny town. On the plane my bleeding increased and I cramped a little bit. By that night my cramps were too uncomfortable to ignore and I was bleeding like a normal period. I knew what was happening as usually my period cramps are only slight and this, while not overtly 'painful' was highly uncomfortable. My uterus and lower back felt tense and heavy like someone had hung heavy, heavy weights from them. The next morning I saw bits of what must have been the embryo (pre-embryo? What stage is the egg at by 4 weeks 2 days?) as it looked like real matter, not just clotty blood. By Sunday afternoon the slate had been wiped clean already- not even a shadow of a line on my hpt.
So it was a real life already- I saw the evidence in my blood. But I have a question- if baby implanted so early (it must have been 5-6 dpo to get a positive the night of 8dpo) and I was getting good positives for 7 days, then what happened? Is it still a chemical pregnancy at 4 weeks 2 days? Is it still a chemical if I'm pregnant and testing positive for 7 days? Baby definitely implanted.
I'm still interstate. It's ironic- I'm with family but I can't share what happened. My parents are so joyous to see us and spend time with their littlest granddaughter that I don't want them to fret. They have a lot on their plate with my brother anyway, that's a whole other story. And I'm here for a wedding, the morning after 'the miscarriage' I went to a wedding and tried to control my tears as the sublime happiness and palpable love of the couple but so bittersweet to me. Oh what it means to be human- divine love and happiness, excruciating heartache.
I haven't even been to a doctor because I'm not in pain anymore and my hpt is clear already. Besides I'm on the other side of the country. It's like it never happened.
Hi Ladylove. I'm sorry you're going through this. A pregnancy loss before a heartbeat could be detected is called a bio-chemical pregnancy. I had one last year. It's hard when you get your hopes up and things dont work out as dreamed.
this may not be a comfort for you, but helped me to know that an early loss meant Mother Mature was doing her job. It meant there was something wrong with the egg, sperm or both.
Especially hard with being so far from home. There aren't any real concrete answers. Like L&B said, there was no doubt, just something not quite right that prevented bubs from being able to continue.
You were pregnant, that is real and you have experienced a loss - I wouldnt really focus on a name for it (I find the term chemical pregnancy really....cold...but that is just me maybe!).
It is reassuring that your body has worked so beautifully to pass what was there so well and with such conclusivity (in that the HPT showed up negative so soon after). It is hard seeing that test after it has all happened but there is also something reassuring that you have managed to let this baby pass without intrusion ITMS.
Sorry you are going through this. As L&B said, you get your hopes up to have it fizzle to nothing. It's so disappointing
Implantation normally occurs around day 6 or 7 and sensitive HPTs will pick up a pg at 8 days, so you were right on track there. The embryo is so tiny at 4 weeks that you wouldn't be able to really see it so what you saw would most likely be uterine lining. Your period would be heavier due to the extra progesterone your body would have started producing in preparation for a pregnancy.
A chemical pregnancy is very normal, although upsetting, and most women have a few throughout their lives without even realizing.
I'm so very upset to read of your early loss. I was following your journey, wishing for a different outcome for you.
You are allowed to feel upset. You are grieving the loss of a life you were growing inside. No matter how far along. Once you see those two lines on a pregnancy test, it's unbelievable how attached you actually get :-( Give yourself plenty of time, let your emotions out (good or bad) and know that you will feel better in time, but you will never ever truly let it go. You'll always think of what could of been.
I know how common chemical/early losses are, I think most people don't think about that until they experience it.
The ironic thing is, Victoria is my home state. So it should be comforting that it all happened while i was back as I'm surrounded by family. But I feel so adrift.
L&B yes it does give me comfort that it was meant to happen. Oddly enough driving from the airport to our wedding town I felt really calm- I knew what was about to happen/had started happening and something about the beautiful late Autumn landscape made me understand the rhythms of the universe. But once it HAS happened, once it's final, it feels more raw.
Also I'm annoyed at my husband. He is usually the most sensitive, emotionally in tune man but he doesn't get it at all. I feel like he thinks I brought on the angst myself by testing so early. A whole week to get excited about it. He thinks I shouldn't test until after AF is late. But AF was late because I was pregnant and what's the difference between two days and a week, or more, when you know you've created life. Then the night after I lost the baby he went out to a post wedding party, which is fine because it was one of his dearest friends that was married, but instead of staying out a few hours then coming back he stayed out until after midnight, didn't answer my messages for an hour, got really drunk then walked back to the hotel from the farm where the party was, with a strained knee and grazes. I was still so hormonal and I was lying in bed silently screaming I hate you for leaving me here! Of course I don't hate him, he is actually a scientist so no doubt he is focussing on the science of the pregnancy- too early to mourn even though I know he must be disappointed too, he really wants this too.
So yeah, I know it's meant to be and that does give peace. I'm sad but accepting I guess.
I too am really sorry for your loss. Like PP said as soon as you see those two lines its unbelievable how attached you get even if only for a short time. I am going through the same thing at the moment. Originally with my history it was thought my pregnancy was ectopic as I had slow rising BHCG but with decreasing HCG now the Gynea has put it down to a bio-chemical pregnancy.
Huge hugs hun. Doesn't matter that it was an early loss, doesn't mean you hadn't already built hopes and dreams the minute you saw those two lines. Be kind to yourself, you are allowed to be sad.
Oh Ladylove, I am so sorry I can relate to your anguish - even the point of resenting your husband. (A few weeks ago when I experienced my loss I wanted to yell hurtful things to my DP because I was in pain & he wasn't there due to being stuck at work) Try to not bottle up your feelings (hard I know when your family do not know what's going on) venting is healthy. Asking "Why me?" is healthy & normal. But nothing takes the pain away of losing something that means so much to us except allowing ourselves time to grieve & heal.
Oh LL, I'm so sorry about your loss sweetheart. I wish I could give you a hug. Be kind to yourself, the coming days and weeks will be difficult. Lots of love to you.
Hugs LL, nothing to add to the words and thoughts given to you so far. Our group has had a bad run of it in the last couple of months and I hope that you will be able to get your BFP and sticky bub soon and turn around the tide.
I do have another question- can I expect to have a pretty normal cycle this month? Bleeding lasted about a day and a half, two days longer than usual. Still spotting now but very light and looks like a dark dark brown- like old blood.
Registered User
My early loss - a few questions
Reply With Quote
Bookmarks