Advice and a vent re: loss of a friend's little one and my own bub's arrival.

[Santosha]

Much loved friends of ours have just received the results of genetic testing for their unborn bub. Tests have come up positive for a serious genetic disorder and, with much consideration and heavy hearts they have scheduled a termination for tomorrow.

My heart just hurts for them. What a freaking awful situation to be in. I just want to go and comfort them but there's nothing I can do right now and I strongly suspect that my big bump is the last thing they want to see.

My bubba is likely to arrive any day now and although I have been having prelabour for a week (so it could go on for another week), there is, of course, a chance that it could come tomorrow.

It saddens me to think that I might be celebrating a life whilst they are saying goodbye to one. That I might be making a birth announcement whilst they are quietly and privately mourning their loss. Very few even know she's expecting and none will know what has happened as they fear judgement from others.

I don't want to exclude them or treat them differently... but I also think it'd be poor form to send them a BA, particularly if it were tomorrow or over the next few days.

I'm interested in others' thoughts on how to handle the announcement, Facebook pics etc., and the chance that my child's birthday will forever be a painful time for them? I have actually sent them a txt just saying that i'm mindful that a BA from us may be painful and do they have a preference as to how it is handled but I haven't heard back - fair, too much to think about right now. I'm anxious that even saying that was hurtful but I figure I would rather have the choice and the crapness of the situation acknowledged.

Oh so sad. Poor bubba, poor Mum and Dad.

[briggsy's girl]

You've done what you can do honey - you've shown that you are aware that things will be difficult, and you've asked them their wishes for a ba from you. apart from being mindful to send a subdued announcement (perhaps say you wanted them to hear from you before it hits fb, but you understand if they cant be around you or something like that), you can't do much else. it is crummy timing, but you can't change that. you are not intentionally hurting them. it is what it is. you need to celebrate your little bundle, and apart from being mindful to not be in their face with things, there is nothing else you can do. your bub deserves to be celebrated, wholly, by you. now, 12 months down the track when the anniversary approaches, and always.

not sure if i'm spitting this out very well - hope it makes sense

much love to you

[LionsandBears]

This is an awful situation for your friends. My heart breaks for them.

We've been in similar situations a couple of times. Friends had a son the day after DS1 was born and died. They've always been very understanding and came to DS1's funeral. I still have a hard time seeing their son but that's my stuff and they don't make a big deal about it.

Another friend gave birth the same day we said goodbye to DS2. It took ages for me to meet the baby but I have done.

I think you've done all you can. Maybe send them a card next week saying you're thinking of them. Otherwise, let it be. They're in pain and other babies will always remind them of their loss.

[MumtoA]

I think the fact you are so aware will be very much appreciated by your friends at this sad time. As someone who lost a bub and had friends all around me having babies at the same time, it is very obvious which friends were really really in tune with how we 'may' feel. A friend of mine had her baby a few months after we lost our dd at term and had her dd the day after I mc our rainbow baby. I really appreciated that she didn't send me the BA that she sent everyone and sent me a little personal text later in the day to let me know that baby had arrived and that let me ask her when I was ready about baby (name, dob, how everything went). Another friend did the same and when she sent a pic to friends by email she asked me first if I wanted to see it rather than just sending it and 'shocking' me when I opened it. I think if you continue to be open and aware of how they may be feeling then you are definitely on the right track. You sound like a really good friend I am so sorry your friend is going through this and I good luck with your own journey xo

[Summery]

It's so amazing that you are able to be so considerate and thoughtful towards your friend while expecting your own bub and your happy news! From all childless parents out there, thank you for keeping your friend in the forefront of your heart and mind and being so kind.
Your positive energy, open heart and love will pay off, it's a long road but she will no doubt feel enveloped and cradled by this thoughtfulness on her darkest days. My friends who were with me in the depths of my grief are now my most cherished people! Sadly part of grief means your circle shrinks ever so slightly, but what is left is rich and intensely meaningful, and it's the small things, the emotionally intelligent people who treaded lightly while our hearts were shattered who filled us with hope and strength to keep going.
Go gently with your own baby news, and never ignore or play down their child's life and keep talking about their child, even years down the track. We are all fiercely protective and proud mothers, whether our children are here or not - that maternal instinct is exactly the same! Anyone ignoring your child, or playing down the importance or the impact they've had on your life, we all become proud mama lions who want to lash out. For me it's those times that have released my anger and resentment in the grief cycle. She will go through everything you will go through in the first year - she just wont have that baby in her arms. So celebrate with her, and keep being gentle and kind. You'll know what to do The isolation can be tough, and respect she may not be able to be too involved in your bubs life while they heal.
Don't give up on her. Celebrate her milestones like you would if her baby was here and healthy. Keep loving her unconditionally as it's clear that you do xxx
And enjoy your own amazing birth and bringing your bub into the world! It's truly a miracle. Don't take a moment for it for granted lots of love to you xxx

[myturn]

I think its really nice that you asked them, and they are probably just too distressed to answer right now. I think sending a with sympathy card or similar would be nice. I had wished I had that when I had the miscarriage, it would have acknowledge the baby as existing. (they may or may it like it... But whichever way you are trying to be considerate, and that will be appreciated when they can). Maybe the first time you see them you try to do a grown up catch up without the kidlets if possible?? That gives them the chance to see you which is like a stepping stone, and they can see the baby later.... It's like an anxiety hierarchy sort of... Progressive exposure to the stressor is easier than flooding it all at once.

Even if they are sad for themselves, they ill still rationally be happy for you x

[Santosha]

Thanks so much Ladies. It's really helpful and validating to be assured that my heart's in the right place and I'm on the right track with how to handle things. I kind if know/hope it is but have 'survivor guilt' nonetheless. If feels wrong to be facing so much joy while they're facing so much pain.

MT, I like the idea of sending something. They've always been very generous around the birth of our kids and their birthdays and I'd love to find a meaningful and appropriate way to acknowledge their little one.

I am grateful that my friends at least know that I don't judge them for making this choice. They've been so overwhelmed by all of this but felt very unsafe to talk to others and I'm glad they know that I've got nothing but love for them. I'm in awe of their courage to work though this together and make a heartbreaking choice that they can only hope is the best one for baby, their other children and their family. I'm grateful that I have been a safe person to talk to. I just hope I can continue to be that, even with a bub in the mix.

I did end up getting a txt back just saying that 'of course' they still wanted to hear our news and to just include them in a group txt and whatever. I will be mindful of timing and wording and might send them a sep one if needs be.

Thanks agin for the love and advice. xo

[maybebaby2012]

There is a special range of cards called "lost for words" maybe google? That are sold online especially to give to grieving parents. Lots and lots to choose from, some specific and other just more general ones but There is pretty much something for every situation and they are very tasteful and not too cliche.

[HotI]

i have bought some cards from 'To write their names in the sand' too.


Love to all of you.