I never thought I would be visiting this forum. It has been the hardest week of my life.
At 40 weeks and 9 days we decided to go for an ultrasound, anticipating some pressure from the hospital to start inducing. After an amazing healthy & peaceful pregnancy, we wanted to provide some evidence to support our choice not to induce. i felt so well, so connected with my beautiful baby . Shockingly, they found that our little one had a bladder outlet obstruction and enlarged kidneys due to the pressure of the blocked urine. There was also no fluid around him due to the blockage. After the worst night of my life, googling the worst case scenario (ugh), we headed up to Brisbane to see the paediatric surgeon. He would let us know what could be done, most likely a stent to drain the urine once bub was delivered by c-section and then assess surgical options.
When they performed a more detailed scan, our hearts pounded in our chests -I saw his poor little bladder, far too large. His kidneys, so swollen & damaged. When she scanned his heart I could tell by the look on her face that it was serious... I knew but I still hoped I was mistaken.
The doctor quickly laid out the worst case scenario -kidneys damaged beyond repair, the fluid blockage had led to underdeveloped lungs, his heart had grown too large to cope. We were not given any hope of him surviving. How could this have happened. How could our amazing year of hopes & dreams, cherishing our beautiful conscious conception & pregnancy, our move to a new community where we would raise our child, how could all of our love turn to this so quickly.
We had to stay overnight at the hospital in brisbane, they found us a private room where we both could sleep & settle in for the long haul... What a long haul. Caesarean in the morning to birth my beautiful boy who would die (no one knew how quickly it would happen). What torture. My poor love was awake crying all night. I had asked for a sleeping pill, being terrified of the surgery & having already spent one night awake with a broken heart. I woke up to comfort him in the early hours... Both of us so frightened. I didn't know how I could get thru the next day. Not only the surgery, but the prospect of seeing my beautiful child suffer, I didn't think I could be strong enough. How could I hold him without falling to pieces, how could I not hold him? I silently prayed for him to slip away in the night without pain or suffering. At the same time I acknowledged him & that if this was the life he had chosen I would be strong enough for him, his mumma.
The surgery was so much easier than I expected. We were supported by the best team & it was less uncomfortable than I anticipated. A bereavement midwife came with us, took photos, explained everything that was happening & advocated for skin to skin contact and a gentle journey for our baby. I had no idea that such angels existed -what a woman, with us so sincerely, every step of the way.
They examined him quickly, confirming their prognosis, then he was all ours. Time stopped when he was with us, the whole world just disappeared. My beautiful firstborn child, so perfect. Just stunning, we couldn't believe it. and at the same time, how could this have happened. He had my nose, my chin, my partners amazing long fingers & distinctive toes (they look like fingers).
We spoke to him constantly, in awe, hearts bursting with love & pain. So much love! Nestling him, reassuring him that we were with him, he could take as much time as he needed... we love you, we're here, you're here, we love you so much. He was breathing sporadic breaths, little gasps, so peacefully, eyes closed but incredibly aware of us. He even made some tiny cries, like a little bird, talking back to us. He was so warm, he felt amazing, with our hands around him -finally a family. My partner says he thought his heart would explode, he felt so activated as a father, now he finally knows his purpose.
Our little Leo Obsidian came to earth for such a short time. He stayed with us for nearly an hour, being loved & cherished by his parents before he took his final breath and slipped into sleep. He gifted us with the most beautiful 10 months in the womb, changed our lives and strengthened our love. He left us with beautiful memories that will be with us forever, we are changed beings for knowing him & loving him, holding space for him to have his short journey on earth. He chose us as his parents. This is the biggest, bravest and hardest experience we have ever had to live with. We are still being nurtured and cared for in the amazing Mater Hospital and tomorrow we will return home without our little one. We must be about to become the strongest people I know. I can hardly contemplate how life goes on from here.
We both want to be parents again when the time is right -but how to move forward? I know it will take endless courage (even more than we already needed after 2 early miscarriages). I know we aren't the only ones, but I don't know if that makes it easier or harder.
Thanks for reading, I needed to tell his story. I have so much more to say.
Congratulations on birthing your perfect little boy Leo. I am so sorry he couldn't stay with you longer. You have written his birth story with such beauty and honesty, and so much love, thank you so much for sharing. I have come through the other side, having lost my son too, although much earlier than you, and although you have a long journey ahead of you, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I sometimes think we have angels sent to us to show us how much love and strength we have inside of us. Take care xxxx
Congratulations on the birth our your son and on becoming a mother. I'm so sorry your beloved Leo couldn't stay. I know how heartbreaking that is - our firstborn, also Leo, died at birth. The shock and grief was soul destroying, yet the love we had for our beautiful boy sustained us.
i hope you have a lot of support and that it lasts throughout the tough days, months and years to come. Thank you for sharing your story. Gentle hugs.
Thank you for sharing your story of sweet little Leo. I am so sorry he couldn't stay with you Earthside. I am glad you got to cuddle him and you have some precious memories. Stay strong and united as you snd your partner grieve the loss of your precious firstborn.
Seek support when you need it.
Sending lots of love and strength as you find your 'new normal' as a bereaved Mama.
Congratulations on the birth of Leo, he picked his loving strong parents for a reason. I'm sorry you physically do not get to take him home but may your memories if the joy you had while pregnant bring you comfort in your time of need. Take care xxx
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Our little Leo (one hour old)
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