Husband Not supporting VBAC

[nickers]

Please move to the appropriate section if this is not it.

yesterday i properly wrote out my birth plan, I have printed a few copies & given my doula a copy, she thought it was excellent.
Today i got dh to read it. when i asked for him to read sections of a hypnobirthing book he refused. I've been asking if he could read only parts for some weeks now so he can understand what it is all about & how to help me.

i seriously don't know if i am expecting too much of him, am i?
but he has honestly done nothing to support me through this pregnancy. I remember feeling somewhat like this when i was pg last time but not to this extent.

I've told him i dont want him around me when i am in labour with all his negativity, he tells me i'll prob end up with a c/s and i'll be bed bound the enitre time. Am i wrong for not wanting his negative vibes around me?
will i regret it if he is actually not there?

On one hand im preparing myself very well for a succesful vbac, but on the other the stress and upsetness i get with his attitude is probably killing everything i have been working on. I am not sure what to do really, i know on the day he would be there for me but he will have no idea what i want & from him because he doesnt understand how i want to cope through the labour....

I am so thankful i have hired a doula because i know i have her full support and understanding.
DH still seems to see it as selfish behaviour and that i am just wanting this all for myself and not thinking about the baby. But he he has not done any research about anything nor does he care to, to back up his beleifs.

I hate to say it but i think he partially blames BB and the internet in general for me wanting to have a VBAC and use hypnobirthing in the first place.

The reality is i can go into labour any day now and my honest feeling right now is that if it were to happen whilst he is at work i would now want to ring him to come home, i feel ashamed for this but i just cannot cope with his uncaring behaviour toward me.
Im sure if you asked him he would not say he does not care but thats how i feel.
I have not been able to get him to practice any breathing tecniques, positions through labour, massage sore spots, rub my belly and talk to bub and just general supportiveness for what i am going through.
I have never been this big before and feeling things i never got to experience before, he seems none the wiser and can just see the happy outcome of a baby being born in the end without everything that comes before hand.

is there anything that anyone can think of to get my DH to come around to the whole vbac idea and be supportive in the way i hope to labour and bring our precious baby into the world?

[BellyBelly]

Oh no Nic, huge hugs hon... I am about to go to bed, but the one thing I wonder is if you have asked him why he feels this way? Why he doesn't support a VBAC? There must be a reason....?

[Carrie]

Oh Nic - I'm so sorry Dh is acting this way about the labour and birth, it must be so upsetting for you. I totally understand you feeling like you don't want him there - Trying to prepare yourself for a VBAC metally and physically is dificult and emotional enough having gone through what you have, without negativity from DH. I don't think you are asking too much from him either.

I have been doing reading re: VBAC and gave my DH the VBAC booklet that he read. Have you read this? It might be one good thing for your Dh to read as it has the stats on VBACs and dispells some of the myths. Or even just read bits out to him.
I also have just read bits of things that I'm reading, out loud to DH so he has had to listen too.

It sounds to me like your DH has heard that a c-section is safer for you and has shut his mind off to anything else. Have you told him what the stats are for uterine rupture and that this is lower than for many other occuring birth problems. Does he understand that c-section is also very risky for the mum and bub?
These are just the questions that are entering my mind.
Hugs to you hun. You are doing so well in preparing yourself for a VBAC and I am really glad that you'll have a Doula there to support you. Have you discussed this with her too? She may have some tips for you.
I really hope that your Dh opns up to the idea before you go into labour hun.

[nickers]

A big part of it was a comment he apparently got from my previous OB after Nixon's birth in Melbourne. He told me he said that any future pregnancies i would have a c/s and would be too risky otherwise.
I was not around to hear this so dont know what was actually said, but if i were still in Melb and went back to this OB with those comments i would have soon found another OB.
So therefore me wanting a vbac and trying natural tecniques is selfish behaviour on my part because its what "I WANT" and not necissarily "WHATS BEST FOR BABY"
again he has no evidence to back up his ridiculous theroy's.

i have asked him to come to several appointments to ask the doctor his thoughts because he is fully supportive of my having a vbac, but he has not come. He actually came to the last visit last week but was the one time it was a fill in ob because mine was not there....

Um i think he also just thinks u go into labour then you have a baby. he was there during labour for Nixon so he'll be right for this baby. but it was completley different circumstances, hence the outcome.

I hear of friends and read stories of how supportive their husbands are and how he helped them prepare and get through it, it upsets me so much that my husband wont.

[Carrie]

It's a real difficult one Nic - must make you feel like wringing that last Obs neck! As you have said, it sounds to me like your best bet is to speak to your Ob about the issue and make an appointment with him for your DH to attend where he can discuss dh's concerns. I know, however that this may be difficult as you are getting so close, but perhaps well worth it as you never know - you may go over your due date LOL.
You have every right to feel disappointed in his attitude though Nic.

[Jayney]

My husband wouldn't read anything to do with labour and delivery either. I went fishing with him and while he was fishing I read the books aloud to him. He kind of listened but didn't know anything about breathing or relaxation or much. Once we were actually in the middle of it he realized what he should have paid attention to. I had my mom there who knew what she was doing and was very good at helping. DH was supportive during and tried his best to help me. He followed the lead of my mom.

Good job on hiring a Doula. If he is too worried to be helpful then you have someone who will be able to suppport you. He likely will come through for you once things get going. He will have the doula to lead by example.

[Ozziehoffy]

to you. It's good you have a doula to support you cos if it does come down to it you could possibly ask DH to leave the birthing room if he's being too negative? I understand what you mean as I did hypnobirthing and actually didn't tell a lot of people because we didn't want the negative vibes we knew we'd get from some people. By the way... once a c/s doesn't mean that's the only way at all. I had a very successful VBAC ... actually vacuum assisted which is a higher risk than just normal no intervention whatsoever labour. I have to admit that I am so happy that I did it, it truly was and still is the best experience of my life. I hope it all goes well for you hun and that your DH can see this for what it really is and not you being selfish.

[Roryrory]

Nickers my DH has the same attitude WRT doing whatever is best for the baby, luckily for me though he knows that what is best for baby AND me is a birth that is close to natural as possible (and I am confident that would include a VBAC if ever I was in that situation). You no doubt want what is ultimately best for baby too, and if at the last mnute you need another c/s you would do it in a heartbeat. I suspect that if you worked on this angle and convinced him that a VBAC which is successful (and statistically it is likely to be so) is "best for baby" for all sorts of reasons that he may come around? HTH, and hugs to you.

[tiffanny]

Hi Nic,
Its hard to understand the male mind hey! One thing Ive found with my dp is that when it comes to matters of my health, the pregnancies Ive had and that of our children was that he was scared. Sound soppy but he loves me and doesnt want to see me in pain or at a loss. He too withdrew when I wanted my labour and birth the way I wanted- even though I was induced I still wanted to have Phoebe naturally no c/s yet he wanted me too because he thought it was the safest with her coming so early. Eventually I got my Ob to explain to him the reasons why it was better for both of us to do what I wanted.
I also wrote him a letter trying to explain it before I got the Ob in. He read it after he spoke to the Ob and only then he could understand why.

I hope he comes around for you when the time comes for you have to have your little one because he really would be missing out on something special.

[BellyBelly]

Can you try one more time to ask him to come to a visit with you? Sit down and have a serious chat with him and tell him how much this is upsetting you, and you love him very much and this birth is so important to you... all you are asking is to come with you to a visit and hear a second opinion... people get second opinions on so many things, like cars, houses... other operations - so can he please listen to someone else's? Because it would mean alot to you to be together at the birth... be honest with him and make sure you have no distractions when you chat.

[krisp]

My DH is a little like yours in that he doesn't understand my NEED for a VBAC. I had a horrid 1st birth experience which ended in a CS under a general anesthetic. My OB this time around is very supportive of me wanting a VBAC but DH thinks that if I'm OK and the bub is OK then it doesn't really matter how it all comes together. I will have my MIL with us this time and she is absolutely wonderful so I plan to stay at home as long as possible (I went in too quickly last time) and get as much encouragement from her as we can.

There are so many reasons for a VBAC - better bonding after the birth, better establish of BF, less pain post birth etc etc.

You know, I secretly think my DH is afraid of me getting damaged "downstairs" although he would never admit it!!!

[PlonkeeMumma]

Hugs Nic, It's such a shame your DH is showing you so little support. I really feel for you, you are putting so much work into the research and practicalities of having a vbac it's sad that he won't support you. It's also a shame that he won't seem to try to 'bond' with the baby before he arrives byt the talking to the belly etc. It's great you've got a doula who will be your voice and will support wholeheartedly though your labour. I don't have any advice i just wanted to wish you all the best and hope that your DH comes to his senses soon and supports you through the birth of YOUR choice which will always be best for YOUR baby.
Julie x

[nickers]

Guys thank you for all of your support.
It was actually our wedding annaversary yesterday so my mum took DS for the night and we had some really nice time together. He does care, i know he does, he just doesn't show it in the way i think i would expect him to? does that make sence?
We had a chat, i didnt go too deep into the convo after all it was our annaversary and wanted to enjoy the night but he has assured me he is here to support me and told me he just doesnt want to see me get upset IF the vabc wasnt succesfull and get depressed after the birth etc.
I know i will be upset if it doesnt happen, but i also think that i will be happy in myself that i gave it my best go and did everything i possibly could to acheive my goals and if it wasnt meant to be it just wasnt meant to be.
i actually gave him just a LITTLE bit of info to read last night and he read it!
baby steps i think!
so i dont really want to push it too much further then this.
Cass- maybe i should have used the same approach as you earlier on in the peice i had some negative vibes from family members also in regards to a doula etc, congrats on your vbac i can imagine how you must have felt!

[Michelle71]

Nic - for me it was the chance to TRY for my natural vaginal breech delivery that was the most important thing. And I did it!! I went into labout spontaneously and got to 6cm dilated drug free and felt great - I loved every minute of it.

BUT I ended up with an emergency c-section. In the end I got what I didn't want but it didn't matter because Oscar's safety was paramount and my OB gave me every opportunity to deliver our baby naturally and without intervention. Some things are beyond our control (like his heart rate dropping to 60 ) but I had the control of my labour and the support of my OB and in the end I was happy with my birth.

You sound like you are doing a great job in persuading him to see your point of view. As someone else said - he could just be worried and it sounds like from what you said his main worry is how you will respond if you don't get your VBAC. Keep on talking. And good luck with your birth!!!

[Ozziehoffy]

Nic, it truly was a wonderful experience. The other thing I forgot to mention was it is important to be open minded and IF something does happen and it needed to go to a c/s for bubs sake to be open to this. Mine wasn't completely stress free... Oskar's heart rate was dropping to around 40 at the end of contractions because he was in distress. When it got to that point I said to do whatever they needed to to get him out safe. I'm very happy your DH read the stuff Like you said, baby steps!!

[Nadine216]

Just came upon this thread. I was thinking, because I can't ever do natural birth after this c/s, I want to assist with the next one and pick the bub out myself. I told this to DH and he almost exploded!!!! NO WAY he told me, over his dead body ( that could be arranged ) He watched my c/s, I was out cold, and to him that was the most terrifing that he has ever been. So me too has lots of persuading to do.
I think it's nice of him to feel scared for you and to be worried about how you would cope if things don't go as you planned.
I really hope that he sees your point, it would be so much nicer if he is supportive during the labour, than him being stressed and making you stressed and ruining the whole experience.
Ps. My DH also thinks that I get my crazy ideas from bb and the internet I am not admitting to him that that is EXACTLY where I get my ideas from!!

[fionas]

Hi Nickers

Hugs to you.I'm glad that you're taking baby steps. I think when blokes hear words like "hypnobirthing" and "doulas" they just think it sounds weird. Infact, most women do too. So perhaps try to avoid using those words and use stuff like "pain management techniques" and "personal midwife". For your info, I tried to get my partner to read up before the birth and he never got around to it either, so I know where you're coming from. I think you've made an excellent decision to have a doula and like someone else posted, he will probably follow her lead. Very good vibes to you and I hope it all works out well.

[nickers]

Nadine- i had a giggle because early on in the pregnancy when i thought i would prob have a cs i mentioned i wanted to lift baby out myself too! DH thought i was pretty crazy also! and truth be known it was someone on BB that i read was going to do that where i got my idea from!

i think i am prepared this time that if i do need to have a c/s it wont be such a shock and dissapointment. last pregnancy c/s never entered my mind, for some reason i never thought i would ever have to have one, this time around i know exactly what can happen so mentally prepared.

good idea fiona, yes ppl hear these words and think weird things. DH had previously said do i want Peter Powers at my birth or something to hypnotize me lol!