DADS... opinions please? Cutting of cord. Am I being unreasonable?

[~breeze~]

Hi, I'm after some opinions, especially from Dads as I'd love to hear whether I'm being unreasonable or not from a males point of view....

DH & I have been unable to agree on who gets to cut the cord of our next baby. DH got to cut the cord with DD & I said I'd like to do it this time as its the lifeline between the baby & myself & is kind of special to me.

It would mean ALOT to me to be able to cut the cord.

DH says I'm being selfish because I get to "feel" the baby throughout the pregnancy when he only gets to feel little bits of movement from the outside.

I told him I cant help that, if he was able to carry the baby I'd let him as its not a walk in the park. (& I'd also be fair, if I carried first he could carry second) but thats impossible so its up to me to carry it if we want babies. I didnt make the rules.

I brought it up again tonight as I said to him it may be up to him to let the midwife know that I'll be the one cutting the cord as its usually Dads. He said he's not happy with that, I'm being "selfish".

I said I think I deserve to be able to do it this time after having such a hard pregnancy (HG sufferer along with other things) & he got to do it for DD.

Dads, what is your honest opinion? I think he's the one being selfish....

I already missed out on having a "support person" there with me as DH read the Harry Potter book through my last labour & was hardly any support at all, I had to call out to him just to hold my hand through a contraction even though he would have known I was coming up to one due to my heavy breathing but he decided to read instead. I almost felt like I was "putting him out" by asking him to leave his book & hold my hand.

So I said this time I'd love my mum to be there aswell as I'm HER baby & she's been through it all before so I know I wouldnt have to ask her to help she'd be by my side all the way.

He said no to that because its "his moment" because I've got to feel the baby inside me all pregnancy, when the babys born he has to be the first one to see it & hold it etc, anyone else there (besides midwives) takes his moment away from him.

This to me is selfish on his part aswell as I think I deserve to have all the support there I want to help me through the labour & make it as easy as possible for me as I'm the one doing ALL the work (All worth it of course but YKWIM)

So needless to say I'm feeling really peeved at the moment with DH. It's bad enough he doesnt help me around the house or with DD while I'm PG & wont be any help once the new baby arrives (unless other people are around, then he's father of the year) but to tell me whats going to happen when bubs decides to arrive really erks me!

Thanks in advance

[Beatrix]

sorry im not a dad but i really felt the urge to answer your post.

it is your birth, your body, your baby (even though he is the father)

You need a birth SUPPORT!!! Please hun for you sake get your mum in there with you!!!

You Dh needs to pull his head in, i think that having the right support with you (and i too am a mummy type of girl my mums was at my births) is vital in having the birth you want
He is def action 110% selfish, does he want to cut the cord cause its what dads do or does he want to do it cause it means something.

Personally i would tell him to bugger off, and wouldnt even let him in the room with that sort of attitude. You are the patient have have somplete say in what happens to you and who is with you during this time.

I am under the assumptiont that most dads are only there cause they think they are meant to be there or its the right thing, but omg i have heard some stories on how useless and unsuportive they are (my exH was a twat)


With regards to the cord thing, umm I never even thought about cutting it myself.. I was two busy holding my baby .. cause im pretyy sure it would be very awlward to hold bubs and cut at the same time and i wasnt putting her down at all!!!
But your reasoning is beautiful and i really hope for your sake you get to cut the cord becuase i have a feeling you will regret it if you dont.

My exH cut the cord with the first two girls only cause i basically told him he should, with my third baby i had my support partner do it and she was very honored.


any way i have no idea if i have asnwered the right thing got a bit carried away


BUT

Please Please Please get a support partner for you

[Trish]

Yep, not a dad either but could not read this and then not post.

First of all huni HUGE hugs for you What a pita your DH is being for you atm.

In regards to cutting bubs cord. My DP cut Tehya's, but he really didn't care either way. I told him he had to do it. And with Abbey I did. I put the clamp on and I then cut her cord. For me, being that Abbey is my last baby, it was a very bittersweet moment. Transitioning us from a life as one to a life seperated now. I had a hard time cutting it tbh. Not physically, more emotionally. I just did not want to break that tie. Of course it's just a symbolic thing.

Of course there is also a comprimise, if you are willing to make it. (personally I am so stubborn I wouldn't, but then I'm a b!tch) One of you could clamp the cord and the other could cut it ? Tell your DH he can clamp it (in hosp there may be less chance of this being "allowed") and you can cut, you know for sure this is permitted.

I had no problems doing it physically, while balancing a baby in the pool !

As for a support partner. I cannot stress how much of a difference this will make to you and your labour. If you have a partner in there who is not supportive your chances of intervention are so very much higher. I am sorry that you haven't been able to get a doula, but by the sounds of it your DH may have made things a little difficult. It's quite normal for dads to feel that the other support person there will take it away from him. This is far from the truth too. Rather it's the other support person who can do the menial tasks of getting you drinks, towels etc and he can stay and support you. He can do the massages and clean up spew

I think he's being selfish acting like a pork chop over it all.

I hope you can come to some sort of agreement. The last thing you need is going into labour with unresolved feelings, they have the potential to hold up your labour.

[Chocaholic]

Also not a dad but please, do what you feel is the right thing for you.

If you want your mum, then ask her. Seems you need all the support that you can get as you DH leaves a lot to be desired during labour and birth!! It is your labour and you need to feel as comfortable as possible.

As for DH, tell him straight out that as he was so unhelpful (ok, useless!) during the first labour, then this time you are going to make it an experience that you WANT to remember. That means mum is coming and you cut the cord. As soon as he can carry a child for the 10 months (no, 40 weeks is NOT 9 months - sorry but my family seem to love overcooking the kids, not one of them has been born by EDD, all have been 11 days or more after), then he can tell you whether you are being selfish. Until then, his opinion is unfounded and completely irrelevant (maybe word that a bit better in the 'talk').

In my case, me DH has decided that he won't cut the cord as he wants to stay at the "head end". Sounds weird I know but he is very phobic about hospitals (has had some tramatic experiences involving them). I was amazed he lasted through my first labour and did a spectacular job.

It is very important that you feel comfortable during your labour and birth so please, ignore his selfish demands and do what you need to!

[Muppity]

Ok - another non-Dad here.

I think that it is absolutely your birth and you can choose anything you want for it and do deserve wonderful support from whoever is your support person.

Have you really discussed this in depth with your DH? Does he realise that you weren't satisfied with his performance last time and have you discussed ways that he could improve.

Does he get along really well with your Mum. I wouldn't want to see a situation where they went into competition as to who was the better support person so you got a little crowded out (as happened with a friend of mine - there were almost a punchup at 8cm dilation)

I'm not sure about cutting the cord as I have no strong feelings towards it generally but I really think that you need to calmly sit down with him and really talk about it without getting into who deserves to as each of you have perfectly valid reasons and you have to find a compromise.

[Eugenia]

Again, not a Dad, but I just had to second what everybody else has said. You need a support person with you who will be there for you and help you while birthing, not someone who is putting themselves first. I had both my Mum and DH with me and when things started to go wrong DH panicked and was running around like a headless chook while Mum was the one to calmly talk to the midwife and talk about what my options where. So sit DH down and calmly tell him how terrible he was last time and this time you want to feel more important than Harry Potter so your Mum is coming in unless he can give you an iron clad guarantee that he will devote 100% of his attention on you.

Good luck and be firm!

PS hate to be pedantic but I can't help it, it's actually only 38 weeks of real pregnancy (the first two are the two between the end of your last period and ovulation) and there are 4.33333333 weeks in a month so 38weeks = 9 months. Unless you go right over of course

[MistyFying]

Would it be possible for you both to cut it? Your hand over his or the other way round?

[Lisa]

I think if it is something you want to do, you should definitely stand your ground.
I cut the cord with my first baby, and it was like Trish said... very difficult emotionally for me because it meant that he was then seperated from me for the first time in 9 months. It was an amazing experience that I am glad I got to do.

[2CheekyMonkeys]

i think you should definately have your mum in there, but i reckon you should let him cut the cord. :-)

[Liz]

Personally, I think it's a tough one. There's not a lot dads can do directly with the baby. Some dads are very clueless as support people (my DH watched a movie on his puta and politely paused it while I had contractions LMAO - I was ok with this tho.. I didn't want him pampering me.. that would bug me! So having him being his normal self actually kept me relaxed! LOL). Anyway.. my point being, he may be useless support, but he obviously still wants a part in it, which I think is fair enough.

Definitely insist on proper support though if that is what you need. But it doesn't mean the support person is going to catch the baby. They are there to support the mother, not to catch the baby. He's probably feeling pushed out of the scene entirely.

As for the 10 months - LOL - I can't let it go either There are 13 weeks in 3 calendar months.. so 40 weeks is 9 months and 1 week. So yup, we're pregnant for 9 calendar months

[Phteven]

Can I suggest a compromise? He can cut the cord if you can have your Mum to support you.

[Nai]

Maybe he can be down the business end of proceedings and help the baby out ie be the first person to hold the baby and you are then freed up to cut the cord. If he is doing that then explain that you will need your mum to look after your head end (ie. manage your emotional state) during proceedings.

Or compromise as Dach said - he gets to do the cord if you get to have your mum.

[Lukesmum]

If I were you I would be really upset and angry. These feelings are not good for the baby though. I think dachlostar's compromise is a great idea. For me having my mum there would be a lot more beneficial than cutting the cord. I really think you need your mum there because he will probably do the same thing at this birth that he did at DD's.

[*Efjay*]

I just ask DH his thoughts & he said while he can understand your DH's feelings of it being his thing, he wouldn't be offended if I said I wanted to cut the cord.

He also thought it was amazing yoru DH could sit there reading a book while you were in labour & that it sounds like you really should get to have your Mum there if thats what you want.

[squidipa]

wow thats a hardie you both have very good valid reasons can you BOTH CUT CORD together 1 2 3 then cut yes no? share the xperiance maybe thoughts?

[MrsB26]

If it means that much to you (and i know it does) to cut the cord yourself then i believe that you should. Maybe Dh can hold him while you do it and then he can be the one to place bub on your chest.

As for having you mum with you - the same. If you want to have extra support to help you through your labor then you are entitled to it. Could your mum give the baby a quick kiss/cuddle after dh does, then quietly leave the room so you two can bond alone with ds?

Dani, i really feel for you, you dont need your dh stressing you out anymore. Just tell him that's how its going to be and leave it at that (i know it wont be exactly that wasy). You've done a great job so far of trying to explain and that hasnt worked so just do what you need too. Its a very important and special occassion and you need not to have any regrets mwah xoxoxoxox

[Janie]

TBH, I was thinking that you were being a bit unfair at first. As Liz said, there's not alot dad's can do to be directly invovled with their baby. I understand you wanting to do it, but I can see his side too. I'm sure my DH would be really disappointed if he couldn't cut the cord.

BUT....then I saw that he read a Harry Potter book during your last labour and thought "pffft"!!!!! I think he needs to show that he can be a wonderful support to you during labour before you decide that he can be the one to cut the cord. HIS moment? He needs to participate if he really feels this way, not just jump up when the baby is crowing.

So as the others said, maybe compromise........he can cut the cord if you can have your mum there. Or, have both your hands cutting?

[*Efjay*]

another thought, let him read the replies about how we all feel about him readin g during your labour!