My toddler DOESN'T push and shove...and I'm worried

[Curly]

My DS has just turned 2 and he is not a push and shove type of little boy. He gets angry and screams if another kid tries to take a toy off him and tries to hang on but the other kid always gets it off him. Then poor DS gets upset and cries and looks appealingly at me to sort it out for him.

This happened a couple of times today when we were at a friend's place...but I couldn't really intervene because he was playing with another boy's toys and this little boy wanted them...I can't really say "no" to the owner of the toys, can I? But I didn't think it was fair that DS had to get fobbed off with a different toy when he was playing so nicely originally. He even chased after the other kid saying "Ta, ta" (in other words, please give it to me). I felt a bit teary about it.

So now I'm all worried that he isn't able to stand his ground effectively. DH thinks I'm being ridiculous and that DS is only just learning to interact socially and he'll figure it out. And I'm busy worrying that DS will get to school and get pushed in the mud! Bearing in mind I am 38 weeks pregnant and feeling a bit emotional at the moment...am I being silly?

[krysalyss]

I agree that he is just fine. You dont have to choose only one of the kids to have the toys but instead can encourage them to both share it. It seems to work with my DS who is 18months. He already knows what share means because we practice. Of course he isn't always great at it. lol.
He will learn assertiveness from you so if you demonstrate how to be kind, firm and reasonable, chances are he will have those skills when he is older. Also one of the best ways you can protect your child from being bullied at school is to promote high self esteem in them and building their confidence in social situations. Hope this helps.

[shellbell3]

Curly, this sounds very similar to my daughter and this might sound bad but sometimes it does frustrate me because I want her to be able to stand up for herself. I get all worried she'll end up as one of those children that just get walked over all the time.

I have started intervening at times, depending on how upset she is getting. If it is the sort of thing they can share I say lets all sit down and play together, otherwise I might say "oh Ashleigh was playing with that can she finish and then you can have a turn".
Most parents tho that we do see are the type that will also jump in and tell their child not to take the toy or they need to share which helps.

I am hoping as she does get older she will get a bit more assertive, just enough to be able to stick up for herself.

[Curly]

Thanks girls...often the "sharing" thing is just impossible though.

I agree with encouraging high self esteem and I guess I worry that DS' self confidence will be eroded if he never seems to win these little power struggles. He never tries to take toys off another child (he will hover till they have finished with it LOL) but it's just like what shellbell said - I just want him to be able to hold his ground.

Part of the "problem" seems to be that in the last 2 or 3 months he seems to have started to understand the concept of playing "with" other kids instead of just alongside them, which perhaps makes him a bit more agreeable than average. I too worry that he will get walked over because he is just generally eager to please. I'm a SAHM so now, anytime other kids play with DS (say at the park or a playcentre) he is just elated and would follow them anywhere. He seems to get "adopted" by kids who are slightly older than him. I'm going to start him in a playgroup next year (I'm having a baby in 2 weeks so not prepared to commit to a playgroup right now).

I know I was a bit worried a while back (when he was about 15-16 months) because he wasn't shoving other kids but then he suddenly started headbutting and I had a new worry LOL. However we were very quick to nip that in the bud and that's really been the only sign of that "typical" aggressive toddler behaviour you hear so much about.

DH thinks all this is positive and that he doesn't want a "thug" for a son, and points out that neither he nor I are particularly aggressive and we never got picked on at school. I know that some of my friends have toddlers that are hitters and pinchers and are tearing their hair out...maybe I should just thank my lucky stars????

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

That's such a tough one, I can see why you're worried. And you can't tell him to go and snatch the toy or anything either! Not knowing much about toddler behaviour, I don't know what you can do. Maybe when he's ready, you can encourage him to stand up for himself if he isn't by that stage?

[Chocaholic]

I don't think it is a huge issue at the moment. As you said, he has only just started understanding about playing with others. Once he gets used to this, he will probably get more assertive.

My DS1 was very much the same. He has also just turned 2. A child would take the toys he was playing with and he wouldn't do anything except call out to me. A couple of weeks ago that changed and now he hangs on to the toy and yells out "MINE!". He even growled at a little boy who tried to take his car. The other boy dropped the car and took off. I couldn't help laughing at him.

[~clover~]

My DD1 was exactly the same.
A friends DD is 18 months younger & when they were little she was a rat & used to always be into my DD.
I never worried about it though. To me it says that DD1 knows right from wrong. Pushing, hitting other kids & snatching toys is wrong & something these other kids still need to learn.
I was quite proud of my DD. Very p*ssed off with the other childs parents, but I would sometimes say 'no ---------. Jaz was playing with that' & give the other child a different toy & try to distract them instead.
I think you'll find if you do that the other mother will tend to agree with you & not say anything. If she does I'd be leaving!

[shellbell3]

Well for first time I noticed Ash defending her toy at mums group the other day, I must say I was proud she stood up for herself finally. She didn't get rough or anything just said firmly "no, Ashleigh's" and held on tight.

[Curly]

Yes, I think I'm going to have to defend DS' rights a little more with this one particular little boy because his own mum seems to be more along the lines of "let them sort it out"...easy for her because her boy usually wins! I really like her and her little boy but I can't help feeling a bit indignant on my DS' behalf!

Having said that though, shellbell it must have been the week for it, the other day at mother's group DS was minding his own business, lying on the floor playing with some toys when this particular little boy rammed him with a toy stroller. DS looked amazed and started to cry a bit and this boy backed away and rammed DS again (the toy belonged to this boy...same situation again). DS cried more but I could tell that he was now angry as well confused and hurt, he got up very determinedly and threw the toy right at this kid and hit him right in the face. Is it completely awful to say that I was actually proud of DS? The other little boy had a mark on his nose which I apologised to his mum for...but I was so pleased to see DS defend himself.

But I love what bjrose said about that means they know right from wrong. I do honestly think DS understands that a lot of the time. Later on that same morning I was blowing bubbles to DS and another toddler in my mother's group and DS went and got all the other kids saying "come, come" and brought them all over so they could have a turn having bubbles blown to them. And today we were at a playcentre and he went over to another little boy who was playing with something he wanted to play with and said "share? share?" Not bad for a boy who turned 2 only 3 weeks ago, I thought.

Sorry...proud mummy moment!

[shellbell3]

I would have been proud too! I think before it got to that tho the other boys mother should have stepped in and told her son that no its not appropriate behaviour.
Usually I give the mum chance to step in otherwise I say something myself, I don't say much just usually something to pijnt out to the child it is wrong to do.