Ok - so this is another "woe is me, I'm a crap mum" thread - don't say I didn't warn you!!!
I'm seriously reaching the end of my rope with Aricyn. I just don't know how to handle him, he is totally doing my head in and I basically have no patience left at all.
Bit of background - he has always been a whingy baby. Always cried the loudest out of any other baby - always whinged - was never happy - took ages to smile and was hard to get a smile out of him when he was a baby.
Now he is the biggest whinger I have ever seen (I worked in childcare for a little bit so have been exposed to toddlers).
I'm almost positive its something I have done to make him like this - maybe the controlled crying we tried when he was young - we did it cos everyone else seemed to do it and I hadn't heard of gentle parenting before (obviously before I found BB!)
But really - I think the main thing is - he just doesn't like me!! I really don't think I was supposed to be his mum because he is much better at day care than he is here. He will be forever whinging about the tiniest thing at home (and has been whinging all week long because he has had high temps all week - managed by panadol - nothing appears to be the problem, I've taken him to the docs twice this week and they can't find anything wrong)
He is the cruisiest kid at daycare - so happy. At home - never happy. Seems pretty obvious to me that I'M THE PROBLEM here. Not him. ME.
His sister is so different, so happy, coos all the time, smiles all the time - and its difficult not to want to spend time with her and not with him. He just makes me cry. I took him to Montessori today to meet the lady in his room that he starts next week, and he just whinged in my arms - and screamed - so I put him down - and he screamed and whinged to be picked up, so I did, and then he kept whinging - I was trying to listen to the lady and was getting so frustrated because I don't have the best hearing anyway (too much loud metal music)
I think I really need help because its so upsetting to me that my son seems to hate spending time with me - and I know its me.
I've already cried so much this morning because its tempting to put him into care full time because honestly, he seems to enjoy it so very much.
Anyway.... sorry for rambling... I just need some help.....
You're not a crap mummy, he doesn't hate you. He probably does it to you and no one else because he knows you'll be the one who loves him even when he's sooky, whingey and clingy!
Sorry i have no advice but I can give big squishy hugs
I don't think you're a crap mum AT ALL. I don't think you NEED help in that "You need help because you're a crap mum", I think you need help because you sound overwhelmed, and need some support. Do you have family or friends that you can talk about strategies to deal with Aricyn's behaviour so you can both be happier? I think Leash is right, he knows that you'll love him no matter what, so he lets those emotions out. Lots of hugs to you! Keep talking it out on here if you need...we're all listening!
Oh Mel, you're sooooo not a bad mum. Aricyn is like that with you cause you're his mum. Lily whinges and whines for me like no one else. She drives me insane too. But when I cry with her about it it makes it sooo much worse. Maybe A is feeling your stress and is reacting towards it. If I'm happy with Lil and try to make things more positive (I know it's hard) and try to ignore her whinging and just go on with things it seems to make it a bit better. Sometimes not, but well, it's always worth a try. And I agree with Leasha too, its cause you're his mum and you will love him no matter what he knows that. Big hugs hun. You're doing a great job.
Mel, I have the same problem - I'm sure I have the whingiest, most tantrum prone child in the world, yet she is a doll at CC. She only puts on her worst behaviour for me.
My mum said that she know that I love her unconditionally so she pushes the boundaries and saves the worst behavior for me because she feels confident in my love for her. It made me feel a little better - I'm sure your little man is just doing the same thing because he know you will love him no matter what.
Mel, sweetheart, he does not hate you....though you wouldn't be the first to think this...I'm sure that Darcy hates me sometimes. She too is one of those horribly whingy, clingy kids at home. No matter how positive and happy I am - it makes no difference.
The one thing I have noticed is though...her father is a pretty big whiner...sounds horrible, but that's how his whole family is. She is worse the more consecutive days she's spent with him. I'm slowly working on both of them.....
Oh hon it must be hard for you but you're doing such a good job - he does want to be with you, he loves you, your his Mum and he'll never love anyone like he loves you. I sgree with the girls, he's being like that with you because he can...he wouldn't be able to be like that very long at childcare. Do you think it could be because of Mehkelti? I know you said he was always a whingy baby but do you think it's worse now because he's jealous? If it is then you know its a phase that won't last. Soon they will be able to play together and he won't need to be jealous.
Hope you're ok. If you need a break i'm child free Weds and Thurs or even if you want to come over for a cuppa i'm always here in the arvo. Take care Mwah!
Mel - big , it's awful when you feel like your baby doesn't like you, especially when we love them so much.
I'm just thinking aloud here, not making any judgements at all, but when he goes to day care he's probably really "busy" all day, with lots of different activities & a degree of structure for his day - ie fixed meal times, fixed quiet times (aka sleep times, but not if you're my DS apparently). So, are there any activities that his carers could pinpoint that he particularly likes to do, and would these be replicable for home? I don't mean an exhaustive list of things to do, but maybe just one or two ideas that you could set up and spend 20-30 minutes of each day happily playing at, so at least you get some time when he's not being a cranky pants.
I've also been reading Elizabeth Pantley's no Cry Discipline solution book, which has dedicated sections on "whinging", plus lots of other things, and I've found it to have some really useful ideas that suit my style of parenting. Things like announcing to them that you can't understand them when they use their whinging voice, and that you'll only be able to understand their polite/happy voice (ok, might be a bit beyond A just now, but he's getting there), setting a timer & allowing fussing for 3 minutes, then it's over & they have to get on with it, validating feelings, trying to find the reason & solving the problem, praising success, and not holding a grudge are some of her points. Obviously, these things are always logical in a book, and never quite so easy when it's actually happening to you.
And at the end of the day, he will know that you love him, and he does love you back, even if he doesn't quite show it in the way that you'd like him to. As he gets better at explaining himself I'm sure it will get easier. It's just tough now.
BohysGirl - I do some of those things, yesterday I had the play doh out cos I know they do that there - but he didn't seem interested in doing anything with me like that - just whinged And I do ask what is the matter, because I know he knows the words - he's an excellent speaker - but most times he just can't stop whinging long enough to tell me what the matter is!!! I agree that I do need to do some more things with him during the day - but its hard when its between settling the baby, feeding the baby etc etc, I just can't give him all my attention all the time. We have set times for meals and sleeps here - so I've got that in order. Thanks for your tips
CQ - Thanks honey. It could be a bit of jealousy - he seems fine to just wander around whinging at everything UNTIL I sit down to feed her - then he wants me to get up, pick him up, take him outside etc etc.. and I just can't do it cos I have to feed her!!!! Argghhh.. its so exhausting. Thanks for the offer of a cuppa, might take you up on that!!!
Kim - bingo mate. DH is the biggest adult whinger I have ever met. Seriously, I get up him all the time because NOTHING positive ever comes out of his mouth, and he has a pretty short fuse and no patience with DS either. His whole family are whingers too - maybe its a genetic thing??
Nai - yeah my brother said a similar thing - although it was more along the lines of they know you won't kill them because you're their mother - but strangers - don't offer that guarantee.
Dolly & Leash - thanks for your support guys I hate having those "woe is me" moments!!!! Its just been a looooong week.
Like everyone else has said he does not HATE you the one thing I know is that ALL kids LOVE to see how far they can push you....
He has had a lot to deal with in the last few months with his sister coming into the world... Most kids are fine to start with then they realise that this thing isnt going away that it is here to stay... Plus it takes all of mum's time away from him where before he would have bearly had to make a sound for you to pick him up, so now he is like well pick me up, when you dont right away he gets cranky so that when you do he wants to go back down, and around and around we go....
And the bigest and MOST important thing of all to remember here is he is almost 2 thats what 2 yrs olds do, he WILL get better it WONT last forever ( even though it feels like it )
remember he LOVES you, you are his world and dont forget it....
Your not alone Kai is the same with me, always sooky the other two were not like this...
Mel babe, big honey, hang in there.
I think its a combination of things.... I read somewhere that the older child sometimes starts being really impossible a couple of months after a new baby comes along because it finally sinks in that the baby is not going back, it's actually here to stay. Also he is at that difficult age, and it sounds like he really hasn't been well this week, even if the doctors can't find what's wrong, he has had a fever so something is obviously wrong with him. Also I second what Nai said about him pushing you because deep down he knows you love him. Since he is a good speaker you could try just refusing to respond to whinging until he talks properly but I'm sure you have done that already.
And if you can afford it maybe you should consider sending him to Montessori four days a week, if he really does love it. From what I hear they are great schools, and that would give you a day for you and Miss M, and a bit more energy to deal with A.
Really hope he stops being so difficult. You're a great mum and you're doing fine. He's just being a little so-and-so right now. it will pass.
So sorry, Mel.
I reckon that it really isn't about you, it's just him struggling to assert himself and at the same time still wanting/needing to be a baby. And like the others have said, at home and with you is the most important, comfortable place he knows and so that's where he feels most capable of testing out this behaviour.
Natty has always been a sook too. It is sooooo draining, I know. Even when she was a little baby she'd never snuggle close she'd always lean back and away. And the crying! Agh, don't get me started, LOL. You've a tough job but you're doing it fabulously.
It may just be his personality...like you said maybe it's genetic, LOL. My 8 year old DS is still a bit like that, always whinging about something!!
As for the high temps...is he still getting them? Have you had him checked out for a urinary tract infection? My DS had one and was getting high temps with no other symptoms at all. I got told by 3 doctors that there was nothing wrong with him (over 4 days). I ended up taking him to the hospital where he was diagnosed with a UTI. Just something to think about.
Tali - thanks will be good when you move up here so he can play with your kids!!!
Tenny - babe - thanks. You are always so supportive!!! Love your work darl
Pixie - yeah we could possibly afford it - dunno - depends if I get a payrise
Amy - thanks
Marlene - yes I think he's just a whinger like DH's side of the family
Mum took him yesterday for the day - he was FINE all DAY up there with her, when we went to pick him up, he started to whinge and whine and complain again!! My mum was like, gee this is the first time he has whinged all day... lol.. and me and Craig were like.. uh yeah.. COS WE'RE HERE!!!! LOL
Reply With QuoteOh Mel
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What did I do to make him like this?
And I do ask what is the matter, because I know he knows the words - he's an excellent speaker - but most times he just can't stop whinging long enough to tell me what the matter is!!! I agree that I do need to do some more things with him during the day - but its hard when its between settling the baby, feeding the baby etc etc, I just can't give him all my attention all the time. We have set times for meals and sleeps here - so I've got that in order. Thanks for your tips
until he talks properly but I'm sure you have done that already.
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