I work 4 days a week and my mum n aunt look after 18 month old DD. When I leave to go to work I sneak out the back or front door whilst mum/aunt play/distract DD. Both carers say she doesn't realise I'm gone and is fine etc. and they don't want me to say "mummy's going to work.." and kiss her goodbye bse they hate it when she gets upset (and I know she will coz if she sees me leave to go outside to get something from the car she runs after me crying - this could be bse of the sneak outs or bse she gets clingy at times).
I don't know if I should be saying goodby coz I honestly am still finding hard leaving her to go to work and I don't think I could cope leaving with her crying ringing in my ears. Am I perpetuating the problem by not facing this? I know all about "building trust - tell her you're going to work and she'll trust I return etc..." but I am worried about her being upset....
What do you do - sneak out or say goodbye? How do I make it easier on DD (and me)?
Definitely say goodbye. DS started preschool 2 weeks ago, and he's been quite upset, but sneaking away would terrify him!
I always make sure I say goodbye whenever I leave to go somewhere. I wouldn't like it if anything happened to either of us and there had been no goodbye. Morbid I know.. but still...
It depends on Pip as to what I do. Sometimes I say goodbye at CC, but that's if he's started playing and is happy. I do like my morning cuddles, they mean a lot to me.
I would def say goodbye- it will be heart wrenching I know but I do believe that it is a trust issue with long term consequences. But I understand very clearly why you don't say bye to her. Can you have your goodbye then leave a minute or two later when she is distracted so she is not too upset?
it is recomended you always say good bye and that you will be back later.
as the children learn that yes infact mum will come back like she promised.
usually they are only upset for a little while, it is just getting the carers used to it and distracting her.
Definitely say goodbye but also let her know that you are coming back. By sneaking out she thinks she may never see you again and that is why she gets distressed when you go outside. Be nice but firm about it and keep on telling her you will be home later and that nanny/aunty is looking after you now. A big kiss and cuddle and leave.
I always say goodbye to DD and let her know that I will be coming back later. Most of the time she waves me off happily and I think it is because she feels secure about me going - she knows I am coming back. I start preparing her before we leave home . . . 'Mummy has to go to . . . so you are going to Aunty . . . It's lots of fun to visit Aunty . . . you're very lucky.' Usually something along those lines.
Sometimes she is settled and I am tempted to leave without saying goodbye because sometimes it can upset her for me to leave but I know for my DD it causes more problems after I leave when she realises I am not there.
Saying goodbye to kids and letting them know what is happening is good for their development of object permanence. They learn that people don't disappear, they go from sight for a while, but they still exist, and they get the idea that they will be back again.
It is important to hang in there - it won't be easy at first, but if you make it part of your daily routine of leaving her, she will get used to it and know what is happening. Sneaking out may not work for too much longer, once she realises what is going on. She won't take her eyes off you for fear of you leaving and she probably won't be too easily distracted from you. I am constantly amazed how cluey and determined toddlers can be.
Isn't it great that our kids love us so much and find so much security in us, that they don't want us to leave them. I know it is hard, but it is nice to be that important to someone else
Last edited by Just Me; February 25th, 2009 at 10:54 PM.
I always say goodbye to DS, although most times he is saying goodbye to me! He goes to FDC which is also his Aunty, so he has only cried a handful of times since he started going at 5.5mths old.
I sent him to another carer (who he didn't know) 1 day a week when I was PG with #2 and he was fine for 2 weeks (when SIL was on holidays) but after that he cried his eyes out, I had never seen him cry so hard and so much....even to the point of as soon as he'd wake up on that day the 1st thing he'd say is "Not T's house". I was concerned something happened but his carer assured me (and even took photo's for me) to show that he is fine once I left. It was so hard each week leaving him but it really paid off in the end and although we don't go there now, we do visit occassionally and he LOVES her!
Hang in there, IMO saying goodbye is the way to go.....I know this sounds terrible sometimes I think what if something happened to me during the day and I didn't kiss DS goodbye?? I'll be going through it again in less than 2 weeks with DD when I return to work!
I am against sneaking away. It can cause more issues in the long run like mistrust when your around, "is mum going to run away when I am not looking" etc.
I would say goodbye. I always say goodbye. Give them a kiss and cuddle and tell them I'll be back later. They wont cry about it forever. I can leave my boys and they are fine now I actually think the crying only happened the first dozen times I left them.
Some days I sneak off. Well, not really. I say goodbye but DS is too busy playing to take any notice. In some respects it's nice because he's settled. He NEVER looks for me at Nursery, only if I'm there does he want me.
Most days I say goodbye. If it gets DS upset then I calm him down again before going - and yes, some days I don't say goodbye twice. But DS is told goodbye, given a kiss, and he knows I'm going. He may delay it a bit but he doesn't bother some days.
I LOVE it when I say "goodbye darling boy" and get a "bye bye" and a few kisses blown at me! That happens maybe a third of the time.
i just wanted to say i think you will notice a HUGE difference in a few months...
my dd used to cry too if i said goodbye, so sometimes i would in fact sneak out... but now she is terrific, she understands that i'm coming back later.... a lot of the time if i am dropping her off at my mum and dads house for a few hours, i will tell her 'mum's going to get some petrol and i'll be back soon' - for some reason i started telling her this as once i really was going to get petrol, and she knows what that is as she sees me do it all the time, and she knows i'm coming back when i'm done.... she also knows on work days that mum and dad are going to work and we will be back around dinner time....
hang in there, i bet in a couple of months it will be a heap easier, as she will understand whats going on... i would recommend persevering with saying goodbye, and use the same phrase every day so she understands ie 'mummy is working today and i'll be back later'.... then a minute or two before you come home get them to say mummy will be home soon... and when you come in repeat again 'mummy is home from work now'.... etc etc.... i think its important to repeat the same things every day, so she will soon learn what to expect....
I'm trying to get into the habit of saying goodbye, instead of sneaking off... it's hard but, ds gets so hysterical whenever I do say goodbye, and stays upset for the time I'm gone. If I sneak off, he's fine. Apparently, he sometimes start walking around going 'mummumum' but MIL tells him "mummy's gone (wherever) and will be back soon" and he's ok.
I found giving him some warning "Now we're going to nanna's. Mummy has to go (wherever) for a little bit, then sh'll be back, so you can play with Nanna while I'm gone". I tell himt his as we're getting in the car (but I only drop him off occasionaly, I guess it would be different if it was a routine thing they're used to?).
So, like I said, I'm trying to get the good byes going. It's not easy but... sometimes I wonder if it's worth the distress, when sneaking off is tear free.
I always say my goodbyes, even if it creates havoc!!
DD goes to daycare one day a week and for the first month or so she was great - she'd run off to the playground and didn't give two hoots whether I stayed or left. The last three or so times though, she's all excited and happy to go to 'bubba school' when she gets up in the morning, and chatters in the car all the way there, and goes in happily enough... but once I finish unpacking her bag and put her lunchbox in the fridge, she freaks out and gets all clingy, bawls her eyes out and just sticks to me like glue...
It distresses me to see her like that, but I don't let her see it. I just calmly but firmly assure her that 'mummy has to go now, I love you very, very much and I'll come back to get you later on. You're going to have lots of fun playing with the other babies and doing x activity today and mummy will come back this afternoon so you can show me what you've done' etc, and although it doesn't do a thing to stop her crying, I hope that she absorbs it and will get over her anxiety in time (I'm sure it's just a phase, like I said this has only been a recent development) - once I've told her I'll be back and that I love her and given her a hug and a kiss, I hand her to one of the carers and I'm out the door. I usually call the centre about an hour after I drop her off just to check in, and they assure me that she settles down within 15 minutes of me leaving and enjoys herself thoroughly all day.
DD is quite happy to leave *me*, but has suddenly taken a dislike to me leaving *her*. She spends lots of time with my parents and is more than happy to go off with mum and dad and leave me at home, I get a wave and she blows a kiss and says, 'Bye Mum!' and runs off without a backward glance, and that hasn't changed.
But my dad came over to our house to babysit her for an hour while I had antenatal clinic at the hospital the other morning, and when I came home dad said she'd stood at the door and cried 'Mummy!' and was looking for me for a while. So I figure that as long as the separation is on *her* terms, she trusts that she will find me exactly where she left me, but if I'm the one leaving her, she gets upset.
I definitely think the key to overcoming it it just persistence, reassurance, and being firm. It hurts to see her so upset when I'm leaving, but I'm sure she will get over it with a bit of consistency and learning that she can trust me to always come back. I want her to be confident that I will keep my word and although sneaking out while she's distracted might save me the heartache of seeing her in tears, I don't think it helps in the long-term, kwim? I figure she'll cry for a few weeks or months, and then one day she'll realise 'Oh, it's okay - Mum will be back because she always does show up eventually'.
I always say goodbye to my daughter and I wait for her to acknowledge that I am going. Usually she waves or says byebye, and sometimes when I'm lucky she gives me a kiss and a hug. I always tell her that I'm going to uni and I'll be back later. Sometimes she'll just run off and doesnt seen to care , lol. To be honest I tell her that I'm going and I say goodbye because I feel like it would be disrespectful towards her if I didnt say goodbye. I mean, I'd be a bit annoyed if my husband just walked out the door without saying bye, so I see it as the same kind of thing. The first few times I left her at daycare, she did get a bit upset when I left, but it didnt last too long. I just made sure I did the same thing each time so she would be prepared for me going.
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Do you say goodbye or sneak away?
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