4.5 year old behavior help/vent

[AnyDream]

I am sorry that it is tiring for you and I am painfully aware of how often I post about whatever his current issue is. I am not looking for platitudes, generally I am venting to try and get out some frustration before I go off to deal with the next meltdown. I even started this thread to avoid dumping in the buddies group as I know you must all be sick of listening to me whinge. I will take more care not to offload in our threads anymore.

Aw Arte Don't feel like you have to button any thing down in our little thread - if I'm allowed to whinge long and lyrical about the minutiae of my life then everyone else can and that includes you.

I've been half-following this thread - badly - on my phone and today is the first day I've been able to read it through completely. Interesting timing for me too because I'm just back from spending some time with my godson - who I adore - and his brothers who are all pretty special and sometimes v. challenging too. All those kids have had issues with sleep, with dietary sensitivities (many of which they have now outgrown), and sudden flare ups of OTT behaviour. The eldest is definitely on the aspie side (more noticeable now), but my godson not so much (although the family history is all there). BUT he (GS) has finally been assessed (after years on the waiting list) and he is super intelligent (as in the psych had to look up how to score the testing instrument because he completed ALL of the questions and most people only complete to the halfway point). But here's the thing - he totally flunked out the entire section that tests how the brain decodes symbols - like wildly wildly below average. So his insanely high intelligence comes at the price of other aspects of brain function that aren't working so well. Interestingly he has always been food sensitive and is now strongly coeliac - which my friend believes linked to his earlier behaviour issues (because when the bowel is damaged bigger food particles can leak through it resulting in a higher level of total system irritation) - AND at times he has been quite hypersensitive to environmental stimuli.

I'm telling you all of this because I think this is a really good example of a gorgeous bright kid like your W, who has simultaneously faced a whole lot of difficulties with other facets of life, none of which were easy to identify (esp at first when there was a big complex of competing things happening all at once) and none very easy to label either. BUT his parents have kept at it, teasing out and dealing with each issue as it arose and now at 11 he's a very well-rounded and well-supported kid who is thriving and will continue to do so. And so will W. But it has been a long road and required pretty consistent agitation by his parents (esp with drs, schools, etc) who have provided a number of conflicting opinions, some of which were helpful and some of which were not. So this is where you come in. Keep asking those questions, keep trying new strategies - no one thing is going to 'fix' the difficulties you're having, but over time and put together, things will get easier and smoother, and you will learn more about what works for W and what doesn't.

[AnyDream]

PS. After that long and rambly answer (that you know and love me for) I also want to add - the most AMAZING thing about my GS is that he is *totally* empathic. I'm quite energetically sensitive, and the very first time I met my GS as a baby he plugged in energetically into my own energy, very strongly, in a way I have only ever known other empaths to do. This explains (in my world view) the sort of overloading that he experiences (because he has so much non-verbal energetic information coming at him at once) and is very typical in children who are psychically empathic. They usually learn to screen against all the energetic noise as they get older. I'm just throwing this in there because sometimes the answers for a particular child are just as unique as the child themselves, and that's part of their journey of growing into who they are going to be in their life.

[Tegam]

. I'm just throwing this in there because sometimes the answers for a particular child are just as unique as the child themselves, and that's part of their journey of growing into who they are going to be in their life.

that is the most beautiful thing I have read on bb!

[Artechim]

LOL Trill, I didn't know who the referral was to because after I described the sleep problems the Dr said "I will refer you to...How on earth do you survive?!". I was too busy trying not to cry to question any further (stress response - that anxious little apple didn't fall too far from the tree )

Don't know why it has taken me so long to do something. For the first couple of years DH kept saying the tantrums were because he was not sleeping and he was not sleeping because I had f'ed it up with this gentle parenting BS. I talked to a nurse at a check up once in the early days of sleep issues and she told me that I had caused it and I had to do controlled crying to fix it so I didn't bother talking to anyone else. Then it was because of A, then something else etc. It is hard because just as you hit rock bottom and start looking for help, he comes out of it. Until the next time. Plus, it is probably really shallow and self indulgent, but I hate the thought that I have caused him to be this way iykwim?

MD, I know you have mentioned those kids to me before. I know I should try some diet things and I strongly suspect a sugar issue but there is no point if I can't get DH on board. He agrees in theory but then doesn't follow through. Thanks for that perspective xx

[Trillian]

No! You haven't caused any of this Arte! You have always been a loving parent who has always done what felt right - and by golly you've tried a lot of things to find out what does work (at least for a little while sometimes). When you've been told by nurses and even your DH that it's your fault, if you hear it often enough you start to believe it. I think had you done things completely different you'd still be in this situation with him so you can't take blame for it at all.

[Kmn]

My DS does this when he needs to eat - transitions from a happy-go-lucky kid to a really grumpy feral one. Once we get him to eat something (which can be a real challenge) the happy kid comes back.
My response to the sort of behaviour you describe is "you're really grumpy, do you need food? do you need a rest? or do you need to go and dig in the garden?" I don't try to get him to realise that (for example) slamming the computer mouse because "the computer isn't listening" is unacceptable - we talk about that once he's a bit happier.
I think that learning to manage their own disappointments and temper is a huge step that happens around now - all you can do is set the best possible example you can, and also give him some tools (like escaping to the garden, or whatever may work for him) to work it out for himself.

[MamaPan]

Hi Arte - how are things going? Hope you are having an OK week. did you get in to your appointment? any other developments? been thinking of you. x

[Ginger]

How is it going Arte?

[Artechim]

All good here thanks . Away on holiday atm, have an initial appointment for Tuesday next week with some nurses and they assess who they think he should be referred to. I have been keeping a sleep diary at home to take with us.

[Cally]

Are you keeping more than a sleep diary though Arte (which is a very good idea)? Or some sort of record (you may remember) of the various issues over the times. It might be worth having something written that you can refer to if you get upset during the meeting.

[sangie]

Best of luck Arte, I hope you can get some answers soon. A sleep diary is a great idea, might also be worth adding food and behaviour to that as well? Just a thought. Enjoy your holiday!