'Disciplining' a 1 year old?

[catherinemoses]

There have been a few threads tonight about tantrummy 1 year olds.
I have one and I there are a few things that he is into which I cannot childproof anymore that I already have. For example the knobs on the stove, I have taken them off so that he can't turn them on when they are off but I need them on to do the cooking. I tell him 'NO' don't touch and move him away, big tantrum. He goes back for more, so I gave him a smack on his hand AND moved him away, big tantrum. He goes back for more so he gets a NO don't touch smack on the hand and put out of the kitchen with all his toys, HUGE TANTRUM. I don't know what to do. I have tried having him not in the kitchen but he screams at me the whole time, I have tried emptying out the utensil drawer and giving him a few pots and stuff to play with, but it is not good enough. He needs the knife off the bench (which he has no problem reaching now!) he needs to play with the knobs on the stove. He needs to open the drawers. He needs to be right under my feet. ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!! What can I do. DH is not usually home at this time. He won't watch a DVD. He is not happy to play by himself. I just don't know what to do.

[kirsty_lee]

Definately marking this thread!!! This is the 3rd thread i've seen tonight ( including mine ) about 1 year olds. Must be full moon eh? I have just recently started doing time out with dd. It does take ALOT of bloody effort with her cause she won't sit still at first and it takes about 20 mins to 1/2 an hour of putting her back in the 'spot' for her to get it and sit there. But I am slowly ripping my hair out. I have exactly the same problem as what you have described, it's like reading my own thread *sigh*

[Lolli]

Sorry ladies, this one I actually can't help you with... if there is one thing ds is happy to do, it's watch the Night Garden or Playschool on DVD while I'm making dinner. In fact, some of the tanties we have lately is because he wants to watch it and I won't let him...

[Rouge]

First of all I hate the term disciplining LOL it conjures up images of old schoolmarms with whicker canes LOL! I prefer to call it "Boundary Setting" LMAO!

When its something dangerous I give my best Logie performance. I completely flip out like over dramatise the danger. So a HUUUUUUUGE gasp. And then calmly but slightly wide eyed and stressed looking I will say (not yell but very seriously) "Don't touch that its very very dangerous, you'll burn your hands." (or whatever the danger is) Then I'll pretend to look at his hand and "make sure he's ok" etc etc I know it sounds bad but it works, did it with both my kids, and never had to lay a finger on them. If you're too blas? about it I think they think its a game. If you shout at them its like anything else they can't do or touch but they don't associate the danger. This works because its foreign to them and it does kind of scare them but not in a bad way. YES its manipulation but I'd rather do this than yell or smack my child. And it also makes them fearful of the object, and not you.

[catherinemoses]

First of all I hate the term disciplining LOL it conjures up images of old schoolmarms with whicker canes LOL! I prefer to call it "Boundary Setting" LMAO!

Haha. Yes, buondary setting does sound better!!!

Thanks for your suggestions ladies.

Sorry ladies, this one I actually can't help you with... if there is one thing ds is happy to do, it's watch the Night Garden or Playschool on DVD while I'm making dinner. In fact, some of the tanties we have lately is because he wants to watch it and I won't let him...

Oh If only!!!!

Niliac that sounds like a pretty good idea. I know smacking is not working (and it made me feel bad ) Yelling doesn't help either...he actually laughs at me/thinks it is a game

Thanks for all your suggestions. Fingers crossed that something works.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Cai, that didn't work with DS. He KNOWS that sharp knives are "ouchie" and that coffee is "hot hot" - and he's another one-year-old with burns dressings - but it doesn't bother him. The same week as he was rushed to hospital with coffee burns he was after hot coffee again. I have shown him me getting hurt and that it's not nice, I have let him see how hot the oven is when you open it... but nothing. I have to show him how to use things safely instead of just avoiding them.

I only shout when DS is about to run onto the road (and that's "NO! Stop! Halt!" then an explaination that running into a car hurts more than running into a wall or a table) and smacking doesn't work when hitting a bum is a sign of affection.

I like the word "discipline" because it's very much about teaching a child. I am teaching my child to be the adult he is going to be. Discipline is very loving: if I didn't love DS, I wouldn't teach him what he should be learning and how to respond to the world. I can't associate it with totalitarian school regimes and physical punishment because that isn't what the word means, although it was twisted to fit that some years ago.

[catherinemoses]

Rosehip, I totally hear what you are saying and I agree with you. I do think that teachng him how to use things properly in the kitchen, or anywhere is very important but I think that Flynn is still a little young for that! Were you doing these things when he was 13-14mths? How do you do it? If I gave him a blunt knife he would still put it in his mouth and walk around with it in there or worse! At this point I'm happy to try anything, I just thought that he would need to be a little bit older for this kind of approach?

[Just Me]

I totally agree with Cai on the term 'discipline' but then I guess it is like any word and depends on the influences and associations you have with it in your own life .

Catherine - With the tantrums, I would make the suggestion to tactically ignore his screaming and crying. My DD started horrible tantrums just after her first birthday. I found that by talking to her while she was having a tantrum usually made it go on and on and on. By distracting myself and ignoring her (easier said than done, but gets easier with a bit of practice) she learned to settle down but the key was to make a BIG fuss of her once she was calm again sending a very clear message about the behaviour that is appropriate and will get my attention and behaviour that is not.

I think the thing with understanding kids is knowing their currency. Toddlers just thrive on attention. I know it might seem very strange but any attention is better than none at all so even if they are doing something they know will get them into trouble they continue to do it because of the attention they are given. By tactically ignoring behaviour that you don't find acceptable (with exception obviously to things that are dangerous to themselves or to others) then you are taking the focus away from the unacceptable behaviour and instead giving it to the acceptable behaviour.

Toddlers learn through practice so this is not a quick fix method. It will take your DS a bit of trial and error to figure out when he is getting attention and when he is not. You have to keep doing the same thing though. Whatever you decide to pursue, make a plan and stick to it. Toddlers need predictability when you are managing their behaviour - it makes them feel safe.

Managing behaviour also starts a long time before they actually do something wrong. Try to find things that your toddler is doing that you can give them attention for and then tell them they are doing a great job and specify what exactly they are doing that is so great. For example 'It is so great the way that you are helping mummy by sitting quietly.' Try to give two positives for every corrective instruction that you give. I have found that times that I am able to encourage appropriate behaviour through positivity rather than consequences after an inappropriate behaviour, the whole atmosphere of our house changes and we are all less stressed.

As far as the danger side of your DS's behaviour goes - explain to DS that it is dangerous but sometimes you do have to take matters into your own hands. If he continues to touch dangerous things in the kitchen then he needs to be locked out of kitchen where he can't be in danger. I think it is extremely important for kids to learn the concept of danger, but his safety has to come first.

The only other thing I would suggest is asking him to do a very important job for you while you need to work in the kitchen - one that gives you lots of opportunity to give him positives. So if you need to cook dinner you could say to your DS - 'Mummy needs to cook dinner now but while I do that I have a verrry important job for you. I would love it if you could colour in this picture for me.' (or whatever you have near your kitchen that your DS could do while you have to cook dinner). This sort of thing makes kids feel really important and gives you the opportunity to have lots of positive talk with your DS about what he is doing. My DD is nearly 2 now so i ask her to do things like mixing up things in a bowl (I don't do this when we are having visitors as a lot of slobber ends up in the bowl and she does taste a lot of what she is mixing) and I try and involve her more in what I am doing. She loves it and I enjoy the time I am spending with her.

I hope something here is helpful to you and good luck with this very difficult stage

[{sarah}]

Childproofing, what's that?! We don't child proof in our house as the way I see it, my kids will visit lots of houses that aren't child friendly & it's best that they understand what they can & can't touch rather than having everything hidden at home IYKWIM. This is just the way we do it. For example, I'm a big candle lover & didn't want to be without my candles for 10 years while I had babies in the house so I taught Zander from the minute he could reach the table that he was absolutely not allowed to touch candles. Now I've been showing him how to light them with my assistance & I trust 100% that he will never touch the lighter without an adult because he knows it's something that he needs "big hands" to help him with.

I'm with Cai on the logie award winning acting! Everything is over dramatised and that includes praise. Just the other night I spent the 10 minute drive home, from the restaurant we had just been at, telling Zander how proud I was with his behaviour & that I was soooo happy with him.

The thing that I do is to not remove them from the situation or even remove what they want, they have to get used to the thing they want being there & them not being able to have it. In our house we have a DVD stand that always attracts kids, my two not being an exception at all! At not quite one Juliette knows she is not to touch them, but it took a while to teach her. Whenever she went to touch I would say no or ah-ah, if she had one in her hand I would take it off her & explain that she was not to touch them & put it back. I left her in front of the DVDs & it continued on for a few minutes until she got bored with me saying no & taking them off her. She'd do it daily, then every few days until she eventually just gave up. It wasn't a quick process, but we stayed consistent & it worked.

For me it's not about discipline, it's about teaching that there are some things that people are not allowed to touch. Babies are not to touch DVDs but big brother is allowed to. Children are not to touch the sewing machine, but mummy is allowed to. Mummy isn't allowed to touch sharp knives (I'm clumsy LOL), but daddy is allowed to.

[ShootingStar]

Hmm its really hard with that age because they dont really understand. Theyre really just testing the boundaries. Is there anyway to block him out of the kitchen altogether? I also know you can get a stove safety guard that stops them touching the knobs. Maybe create a cupboard with tupperwear that is his and hes allowed to play with it all.
But i would just keep doing what you are doing.. its exactly what i would do. The only advice i can give is to stay consistant. Its when you give in, no matter how much they scream, that makes it worse and they learn that if they scream they will get what they want. I know it can get annoying hearing the screaming, if so just go and put him in his room and walk out. Youre doing a great job. He will eventually learn hes not to touch

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

DS was the same - still is sometimes. I let him in the kitchen and let him "help" me. He used to sit on the worktop and "help" me by trying the veggies I'd just chopped up, now I bring his playtable in and give him a carrot, a knife and a chopping board and let him help me prepare the food. When we're cooking sauces he has a wooden spoon and helps me taste-test the sauce. Sometimes he has a bowl of rice pops and milk while I'm melting something on the hob - although it's not really helping, I tell him he's making his own food and he LOVES it.

I figure if DS is going for a knife, I'd rather give him a blunter knife and show him how to use it.

I also have a childgate on the kitchen in case I'm cooking something that will spray hot fat around.

Toddlers for the most part aren't trying to vex us, they just want to help and make us happy. So I try to let DS help and make me happy, even if it's extra work to do so at first it's easier than telling off all the time.

[Ryatha]

I know I may sound like a bad mum but just after DD turned 1 we started to tap her on the bottom if she was doing something dangerous.

We found this was the only option left after one weekend with two trips to hospital. First trip required 4 stitches on her eye brow due to a climbing accident, she had just learnt to climb and they didn't seem to bother her, thank goodness. However the second trip was in an ambulance as she had tipped my freshly brewed black coffee all over herself. She luckily wasn't admitted to the burns unit but we did have to get the dressings checked every week for a few weeks. But the photos of the time make me feel like a terrible mother with stitches on her face and burns dressings on her arm and chest

As a result we would give her a light - but she found very offensive - 'tap' on her bottom and a very stern "stop" when she was doing something dangerous we had already told her about. It was the only way we could prevent any further serious injury. I'm happy to say they are the worst injuries that she has suffered - but it was a horrible time.

[young_mumma87]

I started putting my DS in time out as soon as he could pull himself (around 9 mths) up and get to thinkg because i dont believe that things should be put up esp if we go to sum one else house!! so he got three warnings and moved him away twice and if he did it a third time he would be put in his cot for bout 2 mins...as i think that myDS has been in this world before he clicked on that if he was naughty he would go to bed so this became his way of telling me he was tired and that he wanted a sleep!!! but now i can take him to any house and all i have to say is no and move him away and depending on his attitude that day (good ol terrible 2's) he wont touch them!!! ifyou can whatch some things on the super nanny some of her stuff i swear by it!!! good luck!!!

[Just Me]

I think you need to decide what the point of giving a consequence to a behaviour is . . . I do agree KR that no child is going to sit in timeout and think about what they have done and I don't think that is unique to one year olds. I don't think this is the purpose of timeout.

Timeout in our house is a behaviour breaker (for her and me) and a way of removing attention from a behaviour that is inappropriate. I started using time out with my DD when she turned one and it was a great way to stop an inappropriate behaviour. When she was very little I had a pillow in the corner of the lounge room and she sat there for a minute. If she got up, I gently put her back on her pillow. Now she has timeout on her bed and I am a big fan of timeout times being a minute for every year of life.

After time out is finished, I try to have something interesting and distracting that my DD can do so that she doesn't revert to the same behaviour.

I don't see it as a rejection and I don't think she does either. Timeout in our house is usually tearfree. DD knows what is happening and understands I am coming back to get her in a very small amount of time. She feels safe and the whole thing is very predictable for her.

We have worked on a system of 2 warnings and then a timeout. The first warning is a rule reminder -we say it as a positive and try and tell her the behaviour that we want to see. Often we will try and distract her with something else when we give her the rule reminder. The second warning is a rule reminder and warning that a consequence is the next step. We again will attempt to distract her. If she does the behaviour again then we move her to timeout. The only behaviour that she doesn't get a warning for are behaviours that hurt others - like hitting, kicking and biting. We are trying to send a very strong message about those behaviours so we give an immediate consequence.

We do also take into account whether there is a more natural consequence (continually jumping on the couch means that we move her off the couch) or if there are other circumstances like her being tired or sick. While I think in the long term she needs to understand how to regulate her own behaviour regardless of these things, but at the moment we are just working on her being able to identify that she is feeling tired or sick and are lenient. We still deter from the inappropriate behaviour, but manage it differently - sometimes by putting her to bed and reading a story if she is sick or tired.

I think with small children it is important to remember that they don't have the complex reasoning to understand that when they are told 'no' to something to think about something else they can do. If you tell them 'no that's hot' but leave them in the same place, it is very difficult for them to change their focus. As parents we need to physically move them away from the thing we want them to stop and demonstrate moving onto something else. They learn by example.

Catherine - I was also thinking about why your DS seems to be doing a lot of these things while you are in the kitchen and it could all come back to attention like I said in my previous post. If he has your undivided attention until it is time for you to do something in the kitchen and then you are giving your attention to other things, that may be why he is escalating in the kitchen so much because he knows you won't be as available to him. I think if this is the case the suggestions I made previously should work as a way for you to give him the attention that he needs, but it was just a thought. Could be completely off the mark, but I thought I would put it out there as something for you to think about anyway.

[amberj]

I just wanted to subscribe to this thread because its got some fantastic ideas and discussion- and I fear the tantrum days may be upcoming for us!!

[kirsty_lee]

can take him to any house and all i have to say is no and move him away and depending on his attitude that day (good ol terrible 2's) he wont touch them!

This is exactly the same as my dd.

[sneakysparkle]

I think with small children it is important to remember that they don't have the complex reasoning to understand that when they are told 'no' to something to think about something else they can do. If you tell them 'no that's hot' but leave them in the same place, it is very difficult for them to change their focus. As parents we need to physically move them away from the thing we want them to stop and demonstrate moving onto something else. They learn by example.

I agree totally - "discipline" for a one year old is more about distraction. If you say "no, dont touch that" then say "here, play with this instead"