Frustrating toddler behaviour and social skills...HELP!

[*Jessica*]

My 2.5yr old is generally a well behaved little boy. Of course he has his good and bad moments, as any toddler would. But one thing in particular is concerning me greatly. Particularly when around other children, he is easily upset. For example, he wants to play with whatever another child is playing with, and refuses to give in until he gets it (which is pretty much never). Especially if the child appears to be enjoying the toy, he cries and cries over it. I try to talk through taking turns (which he understands, as well as sharing), but it's like he gets his heart set on this one thing, and nothing, absolutely nothing else is as good. He was crying for an hour over a toy phone today, I even suggested he take my real one, nup, wanted the one being used. I watch other kids exactly his age, they do not have the same problem. They might 'chuck a tanty' for 30 seconds, then get over it. But my boy either screams "MINE!!!!" (he goes red in the face and shakes his body at the same time, its horrible), and/or sobs "I want it....". I just dont know what to do. In the past week there have been 3 occasions at friends houses where I have left almost in tears over the frustration of it all. Today I did cry, it had gotten to me that much. He sometimes snatches, then he gets a guilty face. I ask him to give it back and explain waiting turns, of course he doesnt give it back, so I gently take it from him and hand it back to the child who was playing with it and explain that he/she had it first and to wait his turn. After that, it's all over. He basically won't stop crying over that one toy. I am trying to think of everything in the hope that someone can pinpoint his feelings, or something... I dont know. Ultimately I hate seeing him so upset, almost all the time when he is 'playing with friends'. I am beginning to feel like I have done, or not done, something earlier which has triggered such highs and lows for him. It seems to be mostly only with other children, but can be occasionaly with me too. Maybe he was not around other kids often enough when he was younger? He goes to play group, has a baby brother (only 3 months old), and mothers group 'friends', but I guess compared to other kids he hasn't had as much interaction. Are his emotions a sign of something deeper, or will he just 'grow out of it'?? I would love to hear any kind of advice.

[MantaRay]

Hugs Jessica. I can understand you being in tears about it yourself. The terrible twos can be so hard on us mums.

I agree with you that getting upset over a toy another kid has is very normal. But it does sound like this goes a little beyond the normal tanty. Has this behaviour only started recently? I ask because it might be related to the change he has experienced recently with a new brother. I know that Jack has been through some behavioural phases since Thomas arrived (although really who knows if they would have happened anyway). But they were phases, only lasting a couple of weeks at most, so hopefully this is all that is.

Also, do you think part of the reason he is so upset and stays that way is that he feels he is unable to communicate with you? Maybe he is trying to tell you why he wants the toy and can't or something like that. It sounds like you are handling the situation very well already, but another suggestion would be to try and talk to him about his feelings. Maybe you could say something like " I know you wanted the toy and you are upset that xxx has it. It makes you feel sad and angry when you can't have something you want. But when xxxx has finished with it, you can have it back again and then you will feel happy". Then distract him with another toy, a song, a tickle - whatever will work.

Good luck, I hope it gets better soon for you. Two boys under 2.5 is not easy - I know!!

[Rachel]

Hi Jess - obviously I have no advice but just wanted to send some big to you. You know where I am if you ever need time out. Hope you work something out soon.

[*Jessica*]

DS pushed a boy over yesterday at a shopping centre play equipment. DS was about to go thru a tunnel, and a boy was close behind him (not doing anything wrong), and DS turned around angrily and pushed him hard. It was like he thought no-one was allowed to go near the tunnel when it was his turn. I cant seem to explain to him that a tunnel can be played on together?????

Does anyone recommend any good toddler raising books?

[sonya1]

a book sounds like a good idea. i know most current affairs shows were promoting one last year, just cant remember the name (sorry) maybe this is a reaction to having to share you and DH with his little brother. is it recent or has it being going on a long time. maybe try talking to your local child nurse clinic. they are usually a great help and can steer you in the right direction. my two boys are a year apart and share with other kids, but usually NEVER with each other and its hard coz the 3 year old has learnt a new era piercing scream.... two boys are hard. sounds like your doing all the right things and have a great deal of patience. good luck hun......

[~Jo~]

To me, it sounds like him adjusting to his new little brother. Do you get to have just special time with him and you or just Daddy and him. We found by doing that eased the transition somewhat. I can understand just how frustrating it can be with our toddlers and their behaviour.

Jo

[BellyBelly]

I used to think lots of things all the time, that my children would do things other children don't but then you see it later on or hear about it - they all have their phases!

The best way I bust out of things like that is to say before we get somewhere, 'If you act like this / do this etc, then we will go straight home,' and I keep to my word. They quickly get the message that that is the course of action. Sometimes it sucks because I don't want to leave, but I have to be consistent for it to work.

I would avoid restaurants like the plague as Marisa would crawl on the floor and run the biggest muck you would imagine. But before we went out and I would reiterate it on the way, that we'd leave at any sign of crawling on the floor etc.

[*Jessica*]

Thanks for everyone's replies so far. I am confident I do most of those things mentioned, especially talking to him on the way to wherever and warning him 'if you push, hit, yell, cry, we are going home'. I am trying much harder to stick to it, because I know there have been times when I have given in, and he knows!!! It's hard too because he is very strong and if he gets upset about going home, he is hard to contain, IYKWIM?

I love the idea of talking about his feelings and emotions, I will definitely do that.

Thanks again, let's hope he also grows out of it soon!

I plan on purchasing 'Raising Boys' and the toddler book by Robin Barker, off ebay.

[*Jessica*]

Oh yes and I will def try to spend more time just me and him together.

[Lulu]

Oh darling, stop comparing him to other kids. They are probably right little buggers when you are not looking. Do you think he keeps going on about it for an hour because it keeps your attention focussed on him?
I think it is a very good idea to "prime" him up for the situation like Kelly said. It goes a long way with my little man. I would also try telling him once about the sharing and if he still keeps going, leave him to it.
I think it takes a longer than we expect for them to adjust to a new sibling too. I must have though Mitchell would be over it by 4-5 months or so, but no.
We do our best to spend time with him on his own, and his sister is getting bigger now and loves to chase him, but he still loves his trip to the bakery each week, just me and him and he is so perfectly well behaved the little horns in his head start to recede......

Rasing boys is a terrific book too - you will love it.

[MantaRay]

Jessica people have given you great advice. I hope some of it helps. I think they all have their moments too. And I think we need a support group for mums of two boys LOL!

I'm another who loves the book Raising Boys. I hope you enjoy it.

[monnie]

Hey Jessica,

I work in the area of social skills but with kids older than your son...

Anyway...it's really important to remember that as kids are learning to coordinate themselves in other ways (e.g. walking, running, jumping, fine motor skills)...they are also learning to coordinate their social behaviours.

It's really normal for toddlers to be 'aggressive' and 'self focussed' with their peers...that's how they are meant to be...they really don't have the brain wiring to be able to do otherwise yet...they don't have the skills to take another person's perspective or to use their language skills to resolve conflict or express their feelings...

So...I guess what I'm saying, is what your son is doing is pretty normal...but I can totally understand that it's hard to watch...like others have said, I'm sure you would see other kids his age doing the same thing as well...aggression peaks between the ages of 2-4 and then really drops off...kids don't begin to be less egocentric until they are a bit older...it's a survival mechanism to be egocentric at their age...

Certainly, I think it's really important to model apporpriate ways to behave and interact with others...and praise him for when he does try things like sharing... and to have some sort of consequences in place, especially with aggression...but at the same time, knowing that this is part of early social development...just like a 2.5 year old can't do some motor skills, they also can't handle some social skills...

In terms of behaviour management, one of the best programmes I have ever used (and continue to use in my work) is a programme called 123 magic. It's fantastic with kids aged between the ages of 2-12. Alot of parenting agencies use this programme. Try googling it, if you're interested...it's a time out programme that works fantastically...

Anyway...wishing you all the very best...

[{sarah}]

Hiya Jess

We're having a similar sort of issue in that Zander will find a toy he wants to play with & won't let anyone else have it. He will put it down, then if another child picks it up he goes mental over it. Just ask the Sydney girls about the fire engine at Jennifer's house last week The problem I'm finding though is that most kids tend to give in to him for some reason, so he's just not learning that he has to wait!

They'll both get there...... Just takes time!

[*Jessica*]

Thank you again girls, the replies have been great.