gender confussion?!

[Plagued]

Ok i have a 3yo ds and for the last few months he has said he was a girl just like mummy and his little friend (whos a girl). last night i was talking with him before bed and he asked to see the doctor to take away his pee pee so he can be a girl. i have spoken to my husband and he says its just what little kids say but i dont know ...... i dont know what to do and how to tackle this issue..... please pm me if dont want to post but some help please

[Chocaholic]

This is a hard one! I would probably say it is a stage at the moment as he is still only 3 years old. Does he have any boy friends, or is he mainly around girls? It could simply be he is more familiar with girls at the moment.

Does your DH play with him a lot? If so, what type of games do they play? If not, maybe he needs some more daddy time without mummy (sorry if that is offensive!).

[Trillian]

I honestly don't know. After seeing way too many Oprah shows with various people, some will say they knew all along - even their earliest memory is of wanting to be the other gender and with many others they don't really know till they are a fair age, but still always knew that they didn't feel *right* kwim? As for your little boy, maybe he identifies more with being a girl because he spends a lot of his time around you, your friends and even his friend is a little girl, so he doesn't have that influence of having a lot of other boys around him to equalise things. It's not uncommon for either gender to have a preference for toys that are stereotypically for girls or boys and there have been loads of threads on here talking about it over the years too. Little children have amazing imaginations and it could be something as innocent as just wanting to be a girl because he likes you and his little friend and nothing more than that.

[misty]

I wouldn't stress about it or make a big deal oout of it yet. trueth is, it could indicate something, or it just be a stage - and it will only be in hindsight you will be able to tell. Just give him lots of love and attention and allow him to play and grow, maybe make friends with some other little boys and see if they strike up a friendship.

FWIW - my DD has asked me on a number of occaisions why she doesn't have a doodle, like her brothers and her daddy. She often refers to "when I was a boy..." So I don't think it nessecarily means anything. And my DS1 likes to dress up as a princess in his sisters fairy skirt and do ballet, and is often seen b/f his baby doll.

[luna moth]

At this age, they really are just sorting it out as far as what they know and how they differentiate the gender. Make sure he has lots of opportunities to dress up in both genders' clothing, and check himself out in the mirror - this will help him to understand that his gender doesn't change, even though his clothes do.
See if you can figure out what it is about being a girl that he wants - what does he see other little girls doing? It could be as simple as wanting to be a girl because he wants a doll/teaset/miniature clothes line/pink t-shirt.

FWIW, when my little bro was three, I told him that my sister and I used to have a penis, but that we had them cut off on our fourth birthday and it really hurt. He wanted mum to cancel his birthday party on the spot, and was a bit scared. (naughtiest big sister ever!)

There may be more to it; it really is very early to be saying anything like that. Don't tell himt hat he can't be a girl, but do tell him that it's a decision he can make when he's much older if he would like to - like changing your name at 16.

I don't thik it's worth worrying too much about at this stage; ride it out for a while and see how much longer it goes on for.

[skeetaboat]

I would do a little bit of waiting and watching.. and if he continues to express that he would like to be a girl, allow him to explore this. It might be normal exploration & confusion of gender, but it could be more than that.

I remember seeing a documentary on this once. It followed three transgendered young boys growing up in three different families. One family completely rejected the idea that their son wanted to be a girl and tried to train it out of him. The second family didn't want their son to become a girl and tried to discourage him but eventually accepted it when he did change genders as an adult. The third family embraced their child's wishes and supported his desire to live as a girl (allowing him to grow his hair long, bought him girls toys, girls clothes, changed his name, etc). Of all three, the first turned out a complete psychological mess who self-harmed and engaged in like behaviours (hard to remember the details), the second turned out ok, with some self esteem issues and a poor (but not terrible) relationship with her parents, and the last one turned out to be a very healthy, happy, well-adjusted adult with a loving relationship with her parents. Just something to keep in mind if he does continue expressing feelings that he would like to be a girl.

[Rumpleteaser]

I was just chatting to a friend who has a 3 yr old and she was just telling me her DS attempts to put on make up and claims he is being just like Mummy and getting ready to go to work.

It is probably just a phase, I won't worry too much just yet.

[Plagued]

thank you all - will wait and see what happens - we are letting him lead us on what he does and not going to worry

[Oorki Galoorki]

The most improtant person in his world is a female.. he wants to be JUST like you!
give it time, explain that you can not have that operation done until you are a big person. Perhaps look at gender nuteral(sp) ideas with in your household rather then forcing male and female gender roles so then he will be ok to choose where he wants to go as he gets older with out feeling like he is upsetting you...

I know i always wanted to be a boy until about the age of 9.. it all sorted its self out in the wash.. Im still female.

[{sarah}]

this must be very hard for you to understand. I think there is a difference between a little boy wanting to play dressups & wear mummy's makeup etc & actually saying "I want my penis removed so I can be a girl."

I saw this on 60 minutes a while ago & thought it might be helpful for you... My Secret Self - The youngest transgender child in the world

[Tanya]

I can understand why some boys would like to pretend to be girls... girls get all the sparkles and colourful things, they get to wear nail poilish and make up and boys are told they CAN'T. Well i would want to be a girl too!

I am sure he will grow out of it.

xx

[skeetaboat]

this must be very hard for you to understand. I think there is a difference between a little boy wanting to play dressups & wear mummy's makeup etc & actually saying "I want my penis removed so I can be a girl."

I agree with Sarah. I wouldn't dismiss this - I'd be keeping an eye out and perhaps look at ways you can help him talk through his thoughts & feelings without leading him in any particular direction. If it *does* turn out to just be normal gender role exploration, no harm done, but if it's more, you'll be responding sensitively & appropriately