Just checking in. How have you been feeling the last few days Tasha?
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Just checking in. How have you been feeling the last few days Tasha?
Thanks Heaven, I am ok. Dd is still unsettled. She is ok during the day, but nights are not so good. Infacol is helping with wind heaps, but she still fights sleep. We feed, play for a while and she is happy, but as soon as I wrap her she cries and squirms kicking her legs and cracking it. I just hold her tight and keep rocking her till she's asleep. At this point it has usually been 1.5 hours after I started the feed do I know she is tired. I'm not sure if feeding is going do well, in about to post in the professional section for done help...
Thanks Heaven, I am ok. Dd is still unsettled. She is ok during the day, but nights are not so good. Infacol is helping with wind heaps, but she still fights sleep. We feed, play for a while and she is happy, but as soon as I wrap her she cries and squirms kicking her legs and cracking it. I just hold her tight and keep rocking her till she's asleep. At this point it has usually been 1.5 hours after I started the feed so I know she is tired. I'm not sure if feeding is going so well, im about to post in the professional section for done help...
Tasha, hello lovely. I've been keeping up with your updates here and have held off adding anything as all the girls here have already been so supportive with wonderful advice. However after reading your last few posts here and in your bellybuddy threads I couldn't not. I could have written what you've written word for work 18 months ago when DD was tiny. She DID NOT settle. Nights were actually better than days but she never ever self settled and it would take a MINIMUM of 20-30 mins to get her to sleep. Most of the time at least 40-60 minutes. She screamed, she cried, she passionately resisted every time. Then during the day she'd only sleep for 20-30 minutes! So an hour settling my baby for 20 minutes respite!
Some mamas here have babies that will only sleep for short stints at a time even as they get older but DD did 'improve'. But it took 6 months. And as others have suggested, I do believe it comes down to individual babies. Self settling is something some babies can do, but some can't.
I also remember clearly- very clearly! - having the same thoughts around not wanting to sit around the house feeding all day. Unfortunately, as I realised in retrospect, that's often the only way! And hey, it's actually pretty nice! If you give away the guilt of feeling like you're not doing 'enough' with your day. This is a rare time in our life that not only is it perfectly ok to sit around all day, it is necessary. Your baby is so new, so tiny still. she needs to be cuddled and held to sleep. She doesn't like this out of the womb bizzo, she needs time to adjust to her new world.
Get together your favourite DVDs, ipad, iTunes, phone or whatever. Plump up your couch or chair with a quilt, pillows, water, yummy snacks. Let bubba feed and sleep on you. And enjoy! Because this phase won't last forever and once day, when she is feeding and getting distracted by the TV, by your face, by random sounds, by pretty much everything, you will wish you could just feed her for ages and not have to move. It goes so fast.
I'm pregnant with #2 and one thing I'm doing differently this time, when bub arrives safely, is not trying to put her down to bed so soon, so quickly. Just to lie with her and hold her a bit longer. I remember in the first days in hospital, awake at 2, 3, 4, 6 am with a crying baby and I kid you not, there was only one other newborn on my ward that was also awake off and on all night. I came to recognise that baby's cries as well as my own! All the other mothers must have been blessed with sweet sleepers and I was so insanely jealous. I craved my nightly showers as that was the only time I had in the early days without a crying baby. When she'd finally, finally settled and I could hop in- I washed my hair and and showered at night for a long while.
It's so hard, this early phase. So hard I could cry remembering it myself. Be gentle on yourself and allow yourself to let go of expectations. That's the kindest and smartest thing you can do right now. Xxx
Double
I just can't do it. EVERYTHING I read and EVERYONE I talk to days that by 7 weeks her sleep should be longer at nights. DH is away tonight so there is no bottle from him and no sleep for me. I fed at 10pm, 12:30, 3:15 and probably again at 6am. My eyes are burning and I can't function. I'm scared to drive because I'm so tired. And all I keep hearing is that this isn't right. Mum said "you kids went down easily, I had no problems" and DH " DS slept through at this age, I don't understand what's wrong" a friend if mine "yeah, my DS is sleeping in 5 hour blocks at night" I've hunted other forums and they all have endless posts about their 7 week olds sleeping longer at night.
Why won't my baby do this!? I can't take it anymore.
No no no no no.
You baby is NOT a problem.
The word "should" and the expectations of others and the, qyite frankly, rude insinuations that there's something wrong with you/your baby are the problems.
I have walked and, tbh, still walk this path mit mein Liebling. There is no lack of excellent parenting, nor a lack of happy, contented child. It is hard. So very hard. Of course you want answers - regard the years of my posts about Liebling's sleep! But some babies and some children find long sleeps harder than others.
It is a blessing. No, really. Hear me out. A baby who sleeps for 2 hours, tops, ensures you get extra cuddles. Walking the floor singing for a half-hour at 2am builds muscles, burns calories, improves your memory for ABBA/Aretha Franklin/Bowie/Robbi Robb... insert baby's fave music here. And 3 years on, you hear Super Trouper, Dancing in the streets of light or Underground and bam... You recall the love you fought for as you cradled your baby and didn't scream and it is beautiful. Fwiw, I still can't get through Super Trouper without bawling!
It is so, so hard. But you will overcome and be stronger. Don't drive tired, forget housework, work on songs to calm you for the night waking. I wouldn't go back to those terrible days, but tbh now we're mostly down to 1 wake every other night I wouldn't trade them for the world. They have forged me in a fire and I am a better mother for it.
Just as you will learn your own life lessons and really enjoy the person you become. And giving grandchildren back at bedtime! That and boarding school, can't wait.
Yes you can. You CAN do it and you are doing an awesome job. It is so normal to have a baby who doesn't get the whole concept of day and night, hell one of my 13 mo still hasn't cottoned on to that. You will get through it and you will come out the other side, even though it is hard to fathom atm.
If your DH is away, could you try cosleeping with DD? I never would even entertain the idea ore little girls, but frankly, if it meant I could get even a little bit more sleep, it was worth it and G does seem to have a slightly longer settled block if she is right up against me. When she is really unsettled, I definitely have to make a very conscious effort to keep myself really calm and chilled to because otherwise it so rubs off on her and if she is getting my calmness, it seems to help her somewhat as well.
So many people told me to make the most of them when they were tiny because it really is for such a short time. I didn't/couldn't sit back and marvel in them and I really regret that now. Who cares if things don't get done round the house, if she will only settle on you, go with it, forget what the books say she should be doing (because I really think these so-called should be's are the undoing of so many first time mums) and just kick back and spend some beautiful snuggles with your gorgeous DD. You CAN do this, it just may take time for her. And trust me, it is amazing how little sleep we can survive on. You are doing a fab job xxx
Also, echoing what tfb said about it being nothing to do with bad parenting, I have twins. Perfect control group, raised in exactly the same way, at exactly the same time, conditions etc. one sleeps for 12 hours solid at night, the other wakes at least every two hours. My point being that every baby is so different so how can these experts set guidelines about what your baby should be doing at x weeks/months old?
Just to add... I would have wanted to wallop someone who slept most the previous night saying how great the torture-nights were. I really did learn control of my anger in those nights. Would have prefered an easier lesson and a sleeping baby, of course. But that's not what I got and now I see the joy. I'm not asking you to right now. Just trying to reassure you that your DD is normal and you will come out of it with no malice or loathing of your child.
Tasha, please believe us. Your DD is normal. There are many variations of normal, and she is one. She shouldn't 'should' be doing anything by any age babe. Babies are little individual human beings, with their own thoughts and their own will. Breastfeed whenever she fusses, cosleep whenever you can. Feed lying down in bed with DD in the crook of your arm and doze. Sleep will eventually come. It will. In the mean time, try to enjoy your little baby. They are little for such a short while, and you don't want to look back on this time of her life and only remember her not living up to other people's expectations.
My DD2 is 8.5 months old, and sleeps 3 hour blocks at the most. Occasionally an hour or so more, often much less. My DD1 is 2 and has slept through the night twice in the last 12 months. Am I tired? You bet, but letting go of my expectations has helped so much. I know their sleep will eventually get better, and I know it's nothing I've do e wrong or any fault of my girls. It just is what it is. Hang in there :hug:
My little boy is 9 months old and for the past 9 months I have been getting up every 3 hrs through the night and its normal. My DD did it too. My dd didn't sleep more than 3 hrs until she was over 12 months old. It's normal. Your DD should not be doing anything different than what she is doing. She is normal. comparing her to other babies is not fair on her. You're lucky you have your husband to do night feeds, there are plenty of us who have been doing 3 hrly wake ups for months on end with no one else getting up to the baby so we can sleep. I have had one 5 hr sleep since my DS was born and I have a 2 yr old to chase around during the day and I am studying as well. My DD did 1.5hrly wake ups for months on end. I'm sorry if I sound harsh but you need to toughen up a bit. She's the baby, she obviously needs to wake every few hrs for feeds or cuddles. Sleep deprivation is awful, but it is what it is and there is nothing you can do to change it. Accept it for what it is, do what you can to get support which you are doing and have. Once you come to accept that this is what babies do you will be much happier.
Tash do you normally get anxiety?
I think you've got a fixation on sleep that is concerning. Asking everyone and trawling forums is not helping you. You only have one baby to worry about- yours.
Why can't you trust her? Do you feel the need to 'teach' her? Do you feel your failing if she isn't 'better' at sleeping?
I'm asking because I've been there.
Ds (my second bub) healed me from all that. He woke every.two.hours. On the dot day or night AND I coslept. It lasted months! But who cares? Seriously? Feed and go back to sleep.
This journey is yours. You need to teach yourself to let go, relax and follow your baby. The lesson here is not to teach your baby anything. Nothing. She will learn it all on her own. You are the one who needs to train yourself: to nap often and anywhere, to accept help, to ignore housework, to trust your baby!
I don't mean to be harsh. But these words came from my mum and it was the only thing that finally snapped me out of the 'baby training' mentality:
My dd was feeding to sleep, waking often etc and I was sooooo tired I cried all the time. She was 8 months old. My mum said she could help me get her to sleep longer and in the cot. So we put dd down and she screamed and screamed and my mum turned to me and said, 'this kid has spirit, we can do this, but we will break her spirit, is that what you want?'
Gee I still cry now when I think about it. Did I want that? No I wanted more sleep, more help, but ultimately I wanted her to be happy. So I put her in my bed and we coslept ever since.
She is a very spirited lovely child and I know all those hours of rocking, feeding etc has helped her spirit to blossom.
This is a big picture thing. Her sleep now is a small picture thing. Think about your relationship with her. This is the foundation for your life as a parent. It's about surrender, and learning to put yourself last.
It's a bloody cruel and hard lesson. It takes months.go easy on yourself.
Tasha we all know that feeling you are talking about - the being unable to drive feeling because you are so tired. Some nights I get 1-2 hours sleep and the day after I feel like that. Or like I'm terribly hungover, which sucks because I missed out on the being giddy and happy from alcohol in the first place!
I swear - your body will adjust. Its not your baby that needs to do something, its just your body that needs to adjust to the lack of sleep from what it was getting before.
Your baby is normal. Those times seem totally normal to me. I went to bed around 10.30 when dd3 woke for a feed and just fell asleep with her. Some nights I would feed her up to 7 times. I didn't know what time because I didn't look at the clock. I started feeding her while looking at bb and Facebook but I was so tired I would start falling asleep and once I dropped the phone on her head LOL
Please try not to compare her with other babies, because its just a ****ing contest their whole life. You will always find something to compare herewith other children, another reason to think she may be behind or failing.
Dd1 was my slowest to sit up, crawl, walk - compared to all my children. She walks the same as every other 5 year old and I swear when they get to school age it wont matter which kid did what first because they are all the same and you can't tell by looking at them who the baby was that slept through at 7 weeks.
Yes its painful at this stage. Yes its tough. That's why as well as nurturing her, you have to nurture yourself.
I promise you that your housework doesn't not have to be up to date - I can post you pics of my "spotless" house if you like ;)
Chuck a load of washing on when you can. If you run out if clean clothes, wear dirty ones LOL buy plastic dishes instead of having to wash up - whatever gets you through.
You also have lots and lots of people telling you that this is normal. So does it make it easier for you to accept that this is normal and deal with it the best you can, or is it easier to think there's something wrong with your baby and try and force her to change? From experience I can tell you it's the first option. Stop fighting with your baby and give up, do whatever she wants, sleep when you can, stop timing feeds and looking at the clock when she wakes up. Once I did that I felt a whole lot better. But you have had that advice many many times. I hope soon you are able to let go, I know it's hard but one day you will and you will wish you had done it sooner.
I was up every hour last night with my 18mth old, she has been doing this for months now, and she is normal.
Your child is normal, oh wait your baby is normal. There is nothing wrong with her.
You need to stop listening to others criticism, their advice on why your baby I supposedly abnormal. It really annoys me that they are undermining your confidence and telling you untruths about what the expectations are of newborns. Yes some people get lucky and their babies sleep lots from birth, others sleep like newborns are expected to do. Most health organisations say babies are not expected to sleep trough until they are 2yrs. Yep 2yrs, not 2wks, not 7wks, but 2yrs.
Start accepting your dd's sleep routine, relax and work around it. You are doing it right, but others can shove their darn opinions where the sun don't shine. Cause if they can't help build your confidence the. They should not open their mouths.
You should not expect a huge chunk of sleep for months to come, but be grateful of the downtime you do get. At your dd's age all of my girls had shorter sleep routines, all of them ruled the hourly routine, and that rare 15mins that they sometimes gifted me I cherished like no tomorrow.
You are doing an awesome job, stop expecting her to sleep through, it's not a competition of when she starts. If you are tired then rest, close the front door, turn your phones off and rest.
We've all been there, we know what you are going through and it's normal. Tell the others to go jump cause their words are not helping
When somebody tells you about a sleeping baby, I want you to ask them a very important question "why?" If they say they don't know then that is pretty useless information. If they say they let them cry 3 nights then it happened that's also useless if you don't want to use cry it out or controlled crying. Maybe they might have something useful to share, if not it will at least help you see that there is nothing more you could be doing. It really isn't helpful of those around you to be saying so put it back on them, ask them to let you in on the secret and maybe they'll realise there isn't one so they should probably just shut up and do a load of washing instead lol.
Don't think of this as a sprint. Don't think of this as if I get her to do x then y will be better. Let it be better now.
My first daughter was not fond of sleeping long. At 12months it was still only 2hr blocks at best. Early on, I got rid of the clocks. Knowing how long it has been does not help, stop checking. It is liberating to be asked how many times they woke and respond you don't know because you start realising that it is irrelevant. Knowing won't change what is happening. But not knowing might just change how you see things. Let it be blurry!
And I had a lot of doubt. Especially when I was pregnant, still feeding to sleep and all through the night with a 2 and a half year old. There were times I regretted my commitment to following her lead and thought I'd missed my window and things would never change. But they did. Right before DD2 arrived, DD1 started sleeping through. And she is the best sleeper I know, she has never fought going to bed (she's 4 and a half now), never done the just one drink more, I need the toilet, my shirt is itchy stalling routine. All my regret has vanished. And I realised it had nothing to do with the outcome and everything to do with being out of the haze and being able to breathe and think and see that the sleep wasn't important, being there for my daughter when she needed was. That when she's a teen she might have all these vague childhood memories of being able to rely on me and it might help her to do so still. That this all goes beyond just now.
This isn't a sprint. The finish line isn't a sleeping baby. That's one stop on the way to raising an adult, don't rush this.
What do you think will change if your baby sleeps more? Maybe try to work out why you want that to happen then see if there are other paths to that solution outside of baby sleeping more.
Focusing on the outcome is a flawed idea. This baby is a person so they have as much influence (if not more) over it as we do, you can't control the outcome. That's why you need to focus on yourself, what you can control. Treat the baby how you would want to be treated, regardless of the outcome. Because it feels good to treat people well no matter what happens (it doesn't even feel good to treat people less than ideal when we get what we want as attractive as the option might sound in this moment). When you cry what do you like? Do you like cuddling in bed before sleep? Do you sometimes wake for a drink or the toilet or a bad dream? Now imagine you couldn't solve these problems yourself because your baby can't. How would that feel? To be thirsty and unable to get a drink and those around you not helping or being annoyed at having to help. It would suck right. Your baby doesn't want to put you out, they just don't have the tools yet to not need you.
Maybe think about seeking a health professional to support you. You might just need someone to talk to or maybe more but PND is real, it is not a weakness or failing but a disease. You might not have it but if you're so overwhelmed it is affecting your ability to continue then that is serious.
You can do this because you are doing it, you have been doing it. You're doing so much better than you realise, I'm proud of the strength you are showing in your commitment to be responsive to your baby and you should be too. I'm sure she also really appreciates it.
Tasha, you reminded me of this article...
:
Dear Mother of Only One Child by Simcha Fisher
Dear Mother of Only One Child,
Don’t say it. Before the words can even pass your lips, let me beg you: don’t say, “Wow, you have nine kids? I thought it was hard with just my one!”
My dear, it is hard. You’re not being a wuss or a whiner when you feel like your life is hard. I know, because I remember having “only one child.” You may not even believe how many times I stop and reflect on how much easier my life is, now that I have nine children.
All right, so there is a lot more laundry. Keeping up with each child’s needs, and making sure they all get enough attention, is a constant worry. And a stomach bug is pretty much the end of the world, when nine digestive tracts are afflicted.
But I remember having only one child, and it was hard—so very hard. Some of the difficulties were just practical: I didn’t know what I was doing, had to learn everything. People pushed me around because I was young and inexperienced. But even worse were the emotional struggles of learning to be a mother.
When I had only one child, I truly suffered during those long, long, long days in our little apartment, no one but the two of us, baby and me, dealing with each other all day long. I invented errands and dawdled and took the long way home, but still had hours and hours to fill before I would hear my husband’s key in the door.
I cared so much what other people thought about her—they had to notice how beautiful she was, they had to be impressed at my natural mothering skills. I obsessed over childhood development charts, tense with fear that my mothering was lacking—that I hadn’t stimulated her enough, or maybe had just passed on the wrong kind of genes. I cringe when I remember how I pushed her—a little baby!—to achieve milestones she wasn’t ready for.
I lived in terror for her physical safety (I once brought her to Urgent Care, where the doctor somewhat irritably diagnosed a case of moderate sniffles) fearing every imaginable disease and injury. In my sleep-deprived state, I would have sudden insane hallucinations that her head had fallen off, her knees had suddenly broken themselves in the night, and so on.
My husband didn’t know how to help me. I didn’t know how to ask for help. My husband had become a father, and I adored him for it. My husband got to leave the house every day, and sleep every night. He got to go to the bathroom alone. I hated him for it.
When I had only one child, I told myself over and over that motherhood was fulfilling and sanctifying and was filling my heart to the brim with peace and satisfaction. And so I felt horribly guilty for being so bored, so resentful, so exhausted. This is a joyful time, dammit! I should enjoy being suddenly transformed into the Doyenne of Anything that Smells Bad.
I loved my baby, I loved pushing her on the swing, watching squirrels at the park together, introducing her to apple sauce, and watching her lips move in joyful dreams of milk. But it was hard, hard, hard. All this work: is this who I am now? I remember!
So now? Yes, the practical parts are a thousand times easier: I’m a virtuoso. I worry, but then I move along. Nobody pushes me around, and I have helpers galore. Someone fetches clean diapers and gets rid of the dirty ones. When the baby wakes up in the middle of the night for the ten thousandth time, I sigh and roll my eyes, maybe even cry a little bit for sheer tiredness—but I know it will pass, it will pass.
It’s becoming easier, and it will be easier still. They are passing me by.
I’m broken in. There’s no collision of worlds. We’re so darn busy that it’s a sheer delight to take some time to wash some small child’s small limbs in a quiet bath, or to read The Story of Ferdinand one more time. Taking care of them is easy. It’s tiring, it’s frustrating, but when I stop and take a breath, I see that it’s almost like a charade of work. All these things, the dishes, the diapers, the spills—they must be taken care of, but they don’t matter. They aren’t who I am.
To become a mother, I had to learn how to care about someone more than I did about myself, and that was terrible. But who I am now is something more terrible: the protector who can’t always protect; the one with arms that are designed to hold, always having to let go.
Dear mother of only one child, don’t blame yourself for thinking that your life is hard. You’re suffering now because you’re turning into a new woman, a woman who is never allowed to be alone. For what? Only so that you can become strong enough to be a woman who will be left.
When I had only one child, she was so heavy. Now I can see that children are as light as air. They float past you, nudging against you like balloons as they ascend.
Dear mother, don’t worry about enjoying your life. Your life is hard; your life will be hard. That doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong—it means you’re doing it right.
These hard times are for a reason, you are becoming a mother, it's hard, but you're turning into an amazing new person xx
Tasha,
I know it's hard. You have been given so much loving gentle advice.
You have been very blessed to grow and birth a child you have wanted for so long. Perhaps it's time to make a list of all the things you are grateful for so you can see some of the positives.
This may also sound harsh... but you know me and that my intentions are good and supportive.
However... Your baby, (like all the others)hasn't read any of the books that you'd like her to subscribe to their theories. You have the baby you have... That will not change. You cannot change who she is. As a mother you can only go with it and accept the child you have, and not the child that others have or like the ones described in the books or on other forums. Fantasizing about your baby being completely different will only continue to bring heartache. This stage in her life will not last, but the relationship with you will and how you care for her now has a lasting impact on her life. Perhaps consider seeking some more support from the resources suggested in your threads.
She was much wanted ... so here she is. She will teach you much about yourself and the world.
She need you close and gentle and caring... It's essential to her survival and wellbeing.
Honey, it's not that you cant do it because you ARE doing it :comfort: you are doing so amazingly well. My mum used to say the exact same thing....I came to the conclusion I was such a 'perfect' baby because it was 30 years ago and she really doesn't remember ;) hell, I barely remember what my 4 year old did (well I know it was baaaaad after 9 weeks but it takes a lot of focus to remember how bad and much is blurry).:
Im one person who isn't going to tell you that their baby is sleeping through!!! My son IS NOT and there is nothing wrong with your little girl, she is perfection in all its glory. DS is 11 weeks at your DDs age and until 4 days ago he was sleeping the following:
Bed 8pm
Resettle/ Feed at 11pm
Feed 1:30am
Feed 3:30am
Feed 5:30am
Feed and up at 7:30
Feed every 1.5- 2 hours for the day with 2 x 40 minute naps and perhaps a 2 hour sleep.
This kid is like clock work and quite frankly it sucked! But it will come to an end, it simply cant last forever :hug:
The mistake I made with DD was believing other people who I thought were friends, that their babies were sleeping through- they weren't. People aren't always truthful in what is going on behind closed doors and I mean that in the nicest possible way.
Another thing I realised after a very long time is that 'sleeping through' means something very different from person to person!!! I assumed it meant 11-12 hours :)
Please know that your little lady is doing what she should, even if it feels crappy :( You are doing marvellous, you are tending to your little ones needs and you are teaching her that she only need ask and that her beautiful mum will try and make it all better :hug:
My DD2 was up last night. At 10.30. 11.30. 12.15. 2.40. 3.30. 5.00. And then she slept until 8.40.
She is 13 months old.
This has been happening since she was four months old.
Based on what other people are telling you, she is abnormal. There is something wrong with her. There is something wrong with me.
Based on what I'm reading in this thread, she is perfectly normal. Some babies take a long time to learn to sleep.
And you know what? From six weeks to four months she slept ALL night and self settled. And from four months, she didn't anymore. It was hard, incredibly hard to get used to and I searched to understand why. But you know what? Knowing why doesn't change anything.
As a baby, I slept no problems. Didn't fight, had great daytime naps, yada yada. As a baby, my brother from three months old slept for 20 minutes out of 24 hours. That's it. It went on until he was 2 1/2. Dad was taken off important work duties because he was fatigued. Mum barely managed. But just because I slept doesn't mean he did. We were both formula fed babies. So your mum saying that just because you slept doesn't mean your DD will sleep. Lots of things have changed in the past 30 odd years and the advice you will give your daughter when she is a parent will be hugely different to what she will know/experience.
Getting upset and anxious will be rubbing off on your DD. Follow her lead. If she wants to wake and feed, remember she is a baby and it won't be forever. Sleep during the day when she sleeps. Who cares? There is nothing wrong with doing that! I would kill to be able to do that now, have a power nap for the 30 minutes DD2 sleeps during the day, but I also have a four year old. And I really regret not snuggling up to DD1 and having a nap together when she was a baby.
If you take no other advice from here on board then please take this - you should only be listening to your baby. Follow her lead. This is her normal and you need to stop fighting it. Nobody knows when it is going to get better, nobody knows when she'll sleep through. But you can make it better for yourself right now by dropping your shoulders and relaxing.
Master 11 months last night::
9.30 feed, asleep by 10pm in cot.
12pm wake, I bring him in our bed.
Wakes and feeds at least 4 times before 7am after this - I don't check the time.
Guess what? He's normal. Happy, healthy and normal. He's already walking so that's good enough for me to know he doesn't need to be sleeping 7-7 otherwise he won't develop, like the books say.
I'm just going to echo everyone else here. What do you want to happen? Are you waiting for one of us to wave the magic wand and have your baby suddenly start sleeping through the night? It's not going to happen. I'm sorry. It's time to let it all go. Get over it now. Accept your determined, spirited daughter. She's going to be a leader one day, strong and passionate, won't let anyone bully her to follow the crowd. And because you've always been there when she needs you, when she's a headstrong teen that makes her mistakes, she's going to come back to you to help her through, because that's what you've always done. Big picture, Tasha.
Another thing I wanted to add, is that children will always change things up. Always. I was one of those supremely lucky people who had excellent sleepers for a while there. Both my children slept 11+ hours from 6 weeks to around 6 months. Not waking just once, no lies or exaggerating. Down to sleep at 9 and up at 8. That's not normal, it's not average. Then, from 6 months on, they've both been up every couple of hours. DD2 feeds every 2 hours, day and night. Usually during the day she'll feed at least once during every hour. A mistake I made with DD1 was watching that damned clock. I'd take notes of when she ate, slept, had a nappy change. I'd make a not of every time she woke up, what side she fed on and for how long. Looking back, I think to myself how utterly ridiculous! At the time I felt like the world would end if I didn't do those things. Ultimately though, it was doing those things that was *causing* my world to end. It only ended when I fell pregnant with DD2. DD1 was 9.5 months and waking up every 40 minutes. EVERY 40 minutes, for weeks and weeks. Literally. I was out of my mind tired, searching for a way to make her sleep longer. I had just found out I was unexpectedly pregnant, I was severely nauseated, I was living away from DH so doing nights alone and I realised that I needed to surrender, otherwise I was going to go insane. So I stopped looking at the clock, stopped counting feeds and durations and all that stuff. I fed laying down, I let DD1 latch whenever. And all of a sudden, life got that little bit easier. And over time, it's only gotten better. Now, with DD2 going the same way in terms of sleep, I'm finding it a breeze. I get probably 4-5 hours of broken sleep a night, and I honestly feel fine. A bit tired, a bit run down some days, but I have the energy to do stuff around the house, go out, exercise etc etc, basically just live a normal and happy life. It does get easier, and it will get easier.
I've been known to tell people, 'Yes, of course DS is sleeping through, what kind of mother do you think I am?'.:
Sleeping through the night, according to medical professionals, is 5 hours.
My parents always banged on about what such good sleepers my siblings and I were. Upon prying, I've since discovered that we were much like my DS. But that's just what normal was to my parents. Mum said she freaked out once when I slept for 12 hours and kept ringing the children's hospital ED asking if she should bring me down because I must be sick, babies just don't sleep that long.
EXPECTATIONS. Adjust as required.
I was hanging out the washing before and thinking of you Tasha. What is your dh doing in all of this? I know you have said that he does the 10pm feed to let you sleep - but what else is he doing? Parenting isn't just the mother's job and if that is the only help he is giving you, then quite frankly, that's crap and he needs a kick up his patootie.
Is he helping with the housework? Does he take her from you when he gets home of a night from work so you can relax and recharge?? Parenting is an adjustment for all involved, including fathers and its not fair if he hasn't had to adjust anything from his life to help make your life easier.
There are two of you and one newborn - that's the best equation you can have. Two people to help tend to her. Two people to do housework.
I remember when ds was about that age and wouldn't settle of an early evening - we would pop him on the couch on his belly and take turns patting him on his back to help him go to sleep. We worked as a team - is your dh being a team player or does he need a stick where the sun doesn't shine? You don't have to do it all yourself when you are married - there is someone there to help you and who should be helping you.
There's no "i" in team remember ;)
I think you really need to listen to the girls on here, there are plenty of us who are telling you it's normal those in your life who are telling you it's not aren't living your life with your dd. they have either forgotten the reality or were lucky to have a baby who loved sleeps. I remember writing all of ds's feeds down for my pead over a couple of weeks one day there were 10 feeds so he was averaging around 2.5 hours even over night. Exhausting but normal for him.you can't change the way babies are you have to find a way to work with it. Have meals ready to go in the freezer invite someone over to have cuddles so you can shower and I have to agree your dh needs to do more than an occasional feed.
Oh my goodness Tasha, my mum would say the sme thing! 'None of my 6 babies were hard to settle'! But do you know what I've realised, mothers with children that are all grown up sometimes forget how hard it was. They probably went through the same thing!
Take a look around BellyBelly. Threads about babies not settling easily or not sleeping through the night would be among the most common here! You've GOT to let go of expectations. Yours and those of people giving you silly advice and unrealistic worry. She is only 7 weeks!
Stop reading stuff that offers one-size-fits-all opinions. Actually no, if you want something heartening to read, get some Pinky McKay. I've got a couple of her baby sleep books and they were a saviour when DD was tiny simply because they re-asserted my instincts regarding unsettled babies needing attention and cuddles rather than timed crying routines and the like.
I think I wrote this in my previous post but one of the best pieces of advice I was given was to bunker down on the couch with a bag or table full of goodies like a book, magazines, DVDs, snacks, water, the remote ... Etc. if you feel too tired to drive then don't. Lie on the couch all day for a few days - you will feel so much better in the end. Order groceries online, get hubby to cook, your mother to bring over food, whatever makes it easier.
This is an unavoidable and essential part of motherhood, odd considering so many advice columnists would suggest otherwise. Your baby needs so much attention because she is so new to the world. She doesn't know how to do anything yet! Everyone goes through it, mother and baby, and for some this period is easier than others but it's a period we can't avoid but we can make easier on ourselves.
And don't forget - you are not alone in feeling like this. I felt that way 100%. It's really, truly a hard period. It's not just you and it's not just your baby. You are not doing anything wrong, and you are not alone in this situation. X
If it were normal for babies to sleep effortlessly and alone, then there wouldn't be an enormous industry devoted to telling parents how they're doing everything wrong.
Two things I know to be true:
1. Experts/book authors know **** all about any body else's kid.
2. Parents lie.
Our babies are but a few days apart if I remember Tasha & I'm walking a very similar path with regard to the amount of sleep we are getting. My little mr is still feeding 2hrly at best through the night, if the slightest anything is bothering him it can be more like hourly! He can and does sleep slightly longer stretches during the day but still the longest has been 3.5 hrs.
Dearest Tasha, I have been there in so many ways.
With DS2, I got so tired, I didn't know whether to scream, weep, or vomit. Add to that my boobs feeling like they were going to fall off, expectations of others, having to go back to work around 8 weeks after DS2 arrived, trying to take care of DS1, the house, meals, finances ... yep, it was really rough. It felt like I was living on fumes, and I felt awful.
I loved my son, I was glad he was there, I just wanted to get enough sleep that I could feel like I was awake and alive and able to get things done!
It took time. A lot of time.
Which was a rude shock, because DS1 slept regularly - but he was the odd one out, in my mothers' group. They had experiences much more like DS2.
One day at a time.
Focus on the essentials - the actual essentials.
Like eating, laying down, and getting some fresh air.
Housework, laundry, the garden - it can all wait.
Reading, TV, social commitments that aren't going to feed your soul and make you happy - can all wait.
Getting photos organised and printed, and thank you cards written - call all wait too.
See if you can find a couple of things that help YOU sleep when you can... I found some classical music (Bond, Holst, Beethoven, etc) sent me straight to sleep... no words, very soothing, mind clear and me asleep in under a minute often. Or a weighted eye mask, a little scented hand cream, or whatever. Find something small which soothes you, but takes no real time to do.
And then every time bub goes down - go straight down too. Even if it's just for 40 minutes, every little bit helps at this stage.
40 minutes of sleep compared to the dishes being done - no contest. Housework can get a look in when you've got two grown ups around - or by any random friends or family who drop by to see you.
And please please please get onto PANDA or somewhere. I'm very concerned you have PND or similar. Everything seems so much worse when you're not getting enough sleep - but please don't assume it's just because of the sleep deprivation, or adjusting to a new baby. Please talk to someone.
:grouphug:
Tasha,
You've received some fantastic advice, but above all the consistent message here is that your baby girl is normal. Totally normal. The sleep deprivation you are suffering, is unfortunately normal too. Peanutter's post is spot on. Sleep when you baby does - night and day. Focus on eating, sleeping and your baby. The rest waits, and if your DH or anyone else isn't happy with that then hand them the tea towel, duster or vacuum cleaner. And just as Peanutter has suggested, I'd like to also gently say go and talk to someone, hopefully a caring GP. I too have wondered about PND, or at the least, anxiety. There are people who can help you Tasha. Take care xx
Tasha, if you feel that something isn't quite right with how your little one is going, then please listen to your gut and get some help!
I'm going against the grain here and saying that perhaps what you baby is experiencing isn't necessarily "normal". It very
well could be within the "normal" range, but then again maybe it's not. And if you as are her mother are worried, then maybe you could go back to the person you saw before about settling? Or see a trusted child health nurse, GP or maybe a really experienced mum that you trust?
I'll explain why I'm saying this (and yes, I agree that I am biased). My 2nd child was very unsettled and we went through a merry go round of explanations of wind, reflux, settling issues etc and I was often told "oh it is normal for a baby to cry, wake often, etc". My first was a very placid child, so I was also told that I didn't know what a newborn could be like. In the end, a trusted mother of 4 spent the morning with us and said that I had to take him to the paediatrician. It took a while to figure it out, but turns out my baby had a cows milk allergy (and was formula fed, which is based on cows milk). Now, I'm not suggesting that your little one has an allergy, but I'm just saying, that it is not always "normal". To be honest, if I'd listened to my gut I knew from 7 days old that something wasn't right, but he wasn't diagnosed til 3 months.
I hope this alternative perspective has helped a little. You have been given lots of great advice by other posters.
Tasha this thread must be very overwhelming by now :hug:
Please stop trying to work out what is normal and reach out for some help from panda or similar :hug:
Even though I agree with all of what's been said so far I'm sure it's very hard to absorb all this information at the moment, you need some help to get back into a better frame of mind so you can start to tackle all of this.
Good advice, Bloom: Liebling has a cow milk intolerance and hou la la did we know about it when he had any dairy! 7m old and sleep for 30 muns, pace around singing for 90. Every cycle, every night. My dad was the same, Granny's advice (goat milk) helped a lot.
But even so, Liebs is planning his 7th b-day party and the sleep patterned detailed is still him, maybe once every 4-6w. If it is just feed and sleep, no pain, screaming and pacing, it sounds very normal. But always worth getting it checked, jic.
Yes I'm worried we are chasing you away.
Please search for some of my old threads to see you are not alone (2009). Sending hugs.
Tasha, I understand you are struggling right now, I understand that you're tired. As a fellow mother of three kids I get that- its exhausting. But you really have unrealistic expectations and seem to be ignoring the advice of so many people that have reached out to you.:
It is very depressing to realise that solid sleep is a thing of the past for a time- but it is. When you stop struggling with it and follow your bubba's lead it will be so much easier.
I know no-one who has a 6 and a half week old that sleeps a regular 5 hour block at night, and so many people on BB have said the same.
The awesome thing about having one child is you can sleep while they sleep- do it, take what you can when you can. It will get easier.
The sleep deprivation can be gruelling. Knowing it was normal for a newborn to wake lots and be unsettled helped me a bit as I thought it wouldn't go on forever.
Both of my DDs cried for hours in their first 3 mths of life- despite lots of demand-feeding and cuddles. Feeding lying down on my side was a life saver; I could doze while they did. With DD2, the other life saver was my Hug-a-bub (cloth wrap) sling. In her early weeks of life when nothing else calmed her crying, wrapping DD2 on my chest and walking round the house with her, patting her, generally worked for a while and gave my back a rest (more comfortable than carrying her in arms for long periods).
It's a tough time those first few weeks especially. Get as much help as you can... and that includes professional help if you continue to feel you can't manage. You are not alone.
did you end up seeing anyone in regards to the feelings you have been having?
The reality is she is a baby. She cant feed herself, she cant change her own nappy, she cant control her limbs, she cant settle herself.
Bottom line is because she is a baby, thats why she has parents. We do these things for her until she can do them herself. My DD is 14 months. She can feed herself (kind of), she cant change her own nappy, she can control her limbs and she sure as all else cant settle herself yet.
I dont know what books you are reading or what forums you are trawling or which other people you are talking too, because i know the experienced mothers i have read and dealt with on here are on the same page as you. The nurses i spoke to when i felt like i was dying from sleep deprivation were on the same page too. Heck even my ob said to me, you're a mum, unfortunately thats the downside of having and amazing gift of life given to you.
The only thing you can change in this situation is how you feel and are coping.
Have you been to the childrens nurse? I know i have told you this before but they were amazing. They let me hang out in their clinic for a morning and showed me how to wrap dd, settle her and how to relax myself. They helped me with my breast feeding. They helped me feel like i was in control and had the support on a physical level.
The government gives you that help for free....take it. Use it. Let them help you achieve your mothering goals.
As for the books and unrealistic parents who say a baby sleeps, tell them to take your daughter and see if they can do any better.
Hang in there, its only a short window that your child wants cuddles all the time!
I too hope you have talked to a gp or nurse or a counsellor.
And this slightly off topic, but in regards to parents forgetting about the reality of parenting little ones by the time their children have grown...
My girls are in full blown tantrums, the normal sort that all kids go through. But when my mother in law witnesses these he informs me that my girls are not normal, or that they must get the tantrums from me because her son had one tantrum in his whole life. One tantrum, otherwise he was perfect, he ate anything that was put on his plate, he toilet trained on his own in a day, and had one tantrum. All of which is not true, but it's how she remembers it, and I can't do anything about it.
My point is, parents remember things how they want to once the stage has passed, especially once the child is grown. It's why listening to well meaning advice can be more harmful than helpful.
I agree with the others that if you believe deep down there is something wrong with her, go see someone, otherwise I'm sure you know deep down that your dd is normal and you have to roll with it.
But I really hope you have or are booked in to talk to a health professional, your addiction to getting her to sleep appears to be overriding such a special time.
Hope you are doing ok Tasha.
I havent posted as I dont have anything to add that hasnt already been said, but Ive been thinking of you.