seperation anxiety

[caiden'smummy]

Hello All,

My beautiful 10 month old son is going through a severe phase of sepearation anxiety. He had a little phase around 7ish months but no where to this extreme or for this long. In the entire 10 months I have spent 3 nights away from him. Otherwise its me and him all day long. My partner works in the city so generally is up and gone before we are and asleep by the time he gets home. Consequently, he just will not have a bar of him when he is home. He SCREAMS for me when his dad holds him. He won't let me go to the toilet, or upstairs, or the computer, even gets stressed when I put him in his car seat and shut the door. It's unbearable. He is usually such a happy, laid back and social baby. I am not really sure how to approach it as so many parents do it differently.

I have been wondering if i should send him to day care maybe one day a week. And not even all day long maybe 4 hours or something. Just so he knows even if I am not there, I will come back. And they there are other people besides me in this world.

I am worried that this could be the worst possible time to introduce child care or the best?

What has worked and not worked for you in the past?? Im kind of at wits end!

TIA. x.x

[Fruit Tingles]

My DD was (and still is so some extent) very attached to me, and would experience sever seperation anxiety even if I walked a metre away from her.
I have to say though, the only things that seemed to help was when she started going to day care once a week. She was 14 months at this stage though. I also find the more she spends with other people helps a lot too.
DF used to work night time, and then sleep during the day, so DD never saw him, and only spend time with me. This is still the case, although DF works days and sometimes doesnt get home til 7pm, but he is home on the weekends.
Its just something you have to do in the way that you feel comfortable. My GP told me there is no right or wrong way, just what ever I'm comfortable with.

[Moi]

My DD is very attached to me and cries if I leave the room too. She was worse at one stage and wouldn't let anyone else hold her at all, not even her father could hold her. During that stage I just tried to expose her to people by getting out or having them come round and at some stage she seemed to grow out of it. Now she's ok with other people but she really just wants me all the time. I make my DH put her to bed every single night so that it's not just me doing it (she does cry at first but settles relatively quickly). My DH also takes her out on regular walks alone and will spend periods of time playing alone with her (sometimes I just hide out in the bedroom). If someone else visits I try and leave her alone with them for a bit too. I also tell her when I'm leaving and then announce when I return. All of that has helped us but she is still very attached to me and will still cry if I leave the room. However, she does settle fairly quickly now.

HTH

[onthefly]

It is hard when only mum will do!
I have opposite advice... I think the best way to eliminate a need is to meet it. If he is reassured that mummy is always there (as he seems to need right now) his anxiety should ease. Giving him lots of mummy time might help this phase to pass sooner. This is what as always worked with my DS when he's been like this and he can be very clingy at times. Daycare made it all much worse for him.

Is he mobile yet? One way to do the goodbye & coming back thing is to reverse it. Instead of having mummy go away, take him somewhere fun where he may be motivated to go off and explore and play and so it is him moving away from you. You stay nearby so he knows you're there, but it can be an easier way for them to realise that it's ok to be away from mummy sometimes.

Anyway, whatever you do he will grow out of it eventually

[luna moth]

I think that's the wrong reason to send him to childcare - there are other ways around this issue.

Part of the cause of separation anxiety issue around this age is that he hasn't yet fully achieved object permanence - understanding that just because you can't see an object doesn't mean it has ceased to exist. A good way to start is by covering his toys with a scarf and then uncovering them again. Quickly at first, then hide it for longer and longer each time.

As Marcellus says - meet his needs. Make sure you have a really secure bond and that he knows you will be responsive.

From there, move away gradually when he is sitting playing. Spend some time sitting within a metre or two, letting him do his thing. If you have a big sarong or something, use it to hide yourself, same as you do with the toy, so that you are disappearing and reappearing. Make it for longer and longer each time, then start leaving and coming back quickly. Talk to him from out of view (if it helps - I find it works for some kids, not for others)

Good luck - he will be out of it soon enough!

[Moi]

Yeah I should add that I didn't just leave her alone with someone and leave her crying. I had people come to us at first until she got used to them and then I was able to leave her alone with them. Now she is happy to be with other people on her own. Also she loves going for walks and it doesn't matter who takes her so she never cries if someone other than me takes her out.

It is hard when they just want mum all the time and we all need our breaks.

[Kristin27]

My DD thinks that Mummy is the best too! She's 18 months old and still really loves me more than anyone. I had to return to work when she was one and had to leave her for a couple of hours twice a week with a good friend and with her Grandmother, it was hell she screamed for me as I left and it broke my heart, I decided to give up work and it was the best decision for us. I tried Childcare also and that made matters worse so it didn't last.

What worked for us was meeting her needs, if she wants me I'm there (where possible of course). If I'm in her sight she will happily go and play when were out, and she is getting better with age. I have persisted with her spending time with her Grandmother and that works well, she cries at first but is apparently fine when I go - we all need a break occasionally! Plus I also get DH to put her to bed and get her up in the morning where possible, the one who gets her up and gives her breakfast is the winner in our house!

Good luck, it's so flattering yet so tiring to have a clingy little one, but in answer to your question childcare was not the answer for us, infact it made her worse.

[tenar]

Is he mobile yet? One way to do the goodbye & coming back thing is to reverse it. Instead of having mummy go away, take him somewhere fun where he may be motivated to go off and explore and play and so it is him moving away from you. You stay nearby so he knows you're there, but it can be an easier way for them to realise that it's ok to be away from mummy sometimes.

That is such a good idea! A real gem. DD isn't mobile yet, not really, and we haven't yet had major problems with separation anxiety, but I'm going to store this tip up for future use. Thanks very much, Marcellus!