The smacking debate

[JordieC]

I actually don't want to talk too much about smacking here but because it has been in the news a few things have run through my mind. Firstly, I was smacked as a child (not very often) and I turned out fine but I know I won't be smacking our kids (well I dont think so) because I know it's just not the way to teach them. But aside from that my question is about OTHER forms of physical restraint that never gets classified as smacking yet could be as harmful if not more so than smacking.

I have plenty of times, seen parents either at the shops or at school grabbing their kids with such force it takes my breath away. I've seen squeezing of wrists and I've seen forceful yanking of arms. Surely these things are just as bad?

My other qustion is that if your child was in a dangerous situation and rather than smacking them, you grabbed them forcefully would this be just as bad? I know you're trying to remove them from the situation but what if they are hurt physically or emotionally by this? What do you guys think?

I remember when I was a kid if we were playing up in public my dad would squeeze tha back of our necks and whisper for us to calm down/stop etc. It didn't exaclty hurt but we knew straight away what it meant. IS this just as bad? Do we say no physical restraint at all?

[Tinks]

They are really hard questions to answer, I can't say I've ever been in a position where i've physically hurt my kids. I don't smack but used to hold them firmly to restrain them as toddlers. Now that they're older I find other forms of punishment like taking something away for a certain amount of time or banning playstation or wii more effective. I never make threats I can't follow through with and the kids know that if I threaten them with somehting it's going to happen and usually stop the behaviour.

But everyone is different and I don't ever judge anyone who smacks their kids.

[MantaRay]

Oh Jordie. These are all very good questions and I suspect we will get some interesting debate from them.

Firstly, I have smacked. I don't agree with it and never thought I would, but for various reasons we did try it with DS1 at one stage and decided it was not an effective tool. It sends the wrong message, it can be done in anger which sends an even worse message, it can lead to "taking it too far" and really hurting a child. And it just, plain and simple, does not work as well as gentler methods of discipline. I find explaining things and finding consequences that fit that action (eg if a toy is thrown it is taken away for a week) works far better.

Other forms of physical discipline are, IMO, worse than smacking. Again, it sends a totally wrong message - it says to your child "it is ok to use force if you are angry or to get what you want". And that is exactly what your child learns.

But as for grabbing with force to keep a child out of danger - I don't think this does any harm and often there is no alternative. What is the difference - well, it's occassional for one thing, and will probably not be remembered by the child down the track. A frequent occurrence would be, but not a one-off. And also it's necessary - the lesser of two evils so to speak. I have not had to do it often, but with two kids and one adult, there has been the odd occassion where I have had to grab one of the boys by the arm to stop them running onto a road at a carpark.

And please can I remind everyone to express your opinions thoughtfully. It is possible to disagree tactfully.

[rhyb]

I am quite funny on this actually. In my mind I dont want to smack unless it is a last resort to stop Aiden from doing something dangerous (when hes older mind you). I have no issue with picking up a child to remove them from a situation or to defuse a wobbly, BUT it gets me when parents pick up their 15kg- 18kg child by their wrist alone. That will cause harm and is unacceptable. There is nothing wrong with grabbing your child to prevent something worse happening (eg wandering off with strangers or in front of a car) but force is not necessary to stop a toddler, just a firm grip.

[onthefly]

Good questions indeed.
My main objection to hitting is that it just isn't effective. first, it seems like parents have to keep ratchetting up the violence to get their kids to take note, which ultimately goes way beyond that 'little smack that never hurt anyone'. also, when you hit a child , they don't learn the lesson you want them to. Do they go away and think 'Oh, that was bad. I should never do that again'..? (think back to when you were a kid and punished this way, if you were) Or do they think 'I'll be more careful not to get caught next time' or 'Mum's so mean to me, I hate her!' and so on?

I also agree that it definitely sends the wrong message about conflict resolution - pretty much what MantaRay said.

I do also agree, though, that if you are preventing some injury or removing your child from harm then it can be ok to physically remove them. This would only be a rare occurance and quite different to physically restraining or hitting a child just because they're doing something you don't like.

[christy]

Okay, our story....

Matilda is an escape artist who has sensory processing disorder. She actually can't hear if there are other noises going on. So if she was running away in the shops, I would often reach out to grab her arm because she is faster than I am. Sometimes this appears forceful, but its not meant to be, its to protect her (as she has made it into car parks before...). Its worse for DH, as he is taller that people think he is abusing her... when he is trying to protect her.

Sometimes we have to put a kicking/screaming/biting child under our arm & leave quickly.... this has to do more with Matilda's special needs than anything else. Sometimes we run out of things like toilet paper at home and have to go get some.... and sometimes just going into the shop can trigger this for Matilda.

I don't smack. I have enough issues helping her cope with life and having to physically restrain her than having to smack...

So my reason for saying this... is that people judge us from those instances in the shops. DH had someone at the airport once say she was going to call DOCs on him for restraining Matilda as she was trying to run away. Its horrible.... awful... to be judged when you are trying to protect your child from injuries or worse yet, being lost in a public place...

[Rachel]

I don't have a problem with smacking to teach discipline, but having said that, it should never be done in anger, it should be an absolute last resort and there is definitely a difference between smacking to startle the child and abuse. I have only smacked my daughter twice and it did work but this was only after trying every other possible tool I could think of and we remained calm throughout it. I was smacked as a child and have no emotional/physical side effects..and in all honesty as we got older we didn't get smacked because we just knew when we had gone too far. So although I don't have a problem with smacking for discipline..it needs to be an absolute last resort and should definitely not cause injury (it also needs to be done in context..don't smack for everything you don't want them to do, only very serious things otherwise it won't work and could possible teach them it's ok to hit). Discipline is one of the hardest challenges a parent faces!

[Loula]

I don't have a problem with smacking to teach discipline, but having said that, it should never be done in anger,

I like how you put this! well said, anger and frustration are what can make it an aggressive act.

Coming from a childcare education background, it is against all our training to do this and we work with other strategies to avoid this - and they do work! im sure there are many people who have seen 'that child' and have thought to themselves 'oh he just needs a good smack'. we deal with children with additional needs and other parents would make this comment. It is about education both for the parent and child

However not everyone had the training we have, and i don't say that in a way to belittle any mother- at the end of the day you know your child and you know what works! However we do have some parents come to us asking for advise or strategies that they can put into place as the only smacking they are worried about is that they will smack out of frustration or anger and they don't want to.

Answering this is hard for me as i obviously have no children of my own (yet, and not through not trying, see sig), but given the field that i am in i have some background in the area! For me, Interaction, intervention and education are the key to managing behaviour.

ETA - i grew up with emotional abuse from my mum's partner and this was just as scaring

[myson]

christy. thanks for sharing. i will remember your story next time i am in the shops and i see a kid who i think "just needs a good whack". thankyou for educating me and broadening my mind.

rustygirl. I think we had the exact same upbringing. and it didnt hurt me one bit in the long run.