When is it not just a tanty?

[MantaRay]

Ok, I know this is my second child and I should be well experienced with the terrible twos and associated problems. But Jack has never been a tanty thrower and TBH I really don't know what a full on tanty would look like. So I am not sure what is going on with Thomas' behaviour.

He has always been a child who has trouble self-soothing, and his communication is not nearly as advanced as Jack's at the same age. But in the last 3 or 4 weeks, he has been having screaming fits. They can be caused by anything - one time he dropped something on his foot, (not anything heavy enough to hurt, more to just startle him), last night he just woke up in the night doing it, other times it's impossible to work out what started it. He just starts screaming and doesn't stop. Nothing settles him. If I pick him up he screams and tries to push away. If I put him down he screams and looks like he wants to be picked up, but when I do the same thing happens again. I offer water, food, cuddles, nothing works. I ignore and he still screams. I just don't know what is causing it or how to stop it. Are these tanties? Or what is going on? Can anyone help? BTW he has just turned 17 months.

[Jo+3]

Could just be terrible 2's, some of them can throw oscar award winning tantrums ( as too can some adults). Is he well? sometimes illness can play on childrens behaviour. Sounds like you're doing all the right things.

[Rouge]

My two are like chalk and cheese. Seth too has become very agitated over things. There are a few things I do when he used to get like this. Stay calm, but don't give too much attention for it. What I mean is I would calmly talk to him and tell him that when he calmed down he could have a cuddle. Sometimes he would run straight to me for a cuddle and cry into my shoulder and then when he calmed down I would tell him its ok, and good boy for calming down. Other times I would sit close to him and wait for him to calm down and offer a cuddle and then talk about what had happened. A lot of people would criticise that talking was irrelevant at this age, but I strongly disagree, the biggest trigger for tantrums is related to a child feeling frustration, anger, disappointment or sadness and being overwhelmed by these emotions and not understanding how to deal with them. If we communicate with them through these tantrums this is us leading by example. And one day they will understand, it also helps us stay in control of our temper Obviously different strategies work with different ages, now I find if Seth is acting out in a way that isn't appropriate I offer him an alternative to his behaviour, I also ALWAYS reassure him that I understand he is upset, sad, angry etc and then always offer a cuddle. Tantrums whilst annoying I truly believe are good, because it means we have the opportunity to help them with their feelings and help teach them how to deal with those feelings. Often children who are ignored during tantrums learn to bottle them, and those who are placated during tantrums often learn this is how to deal with emotion and go on to be tantruming adults and there are the lucky few with higher emotional understanding who just learn other ways on their own. Try not to worry if you feel what you are doing isn't working, the consistency will be comforting and eventually he will understand what you are trying to do and he will learn that he feels better when he deals with his feelings in a better way iykwim? I remember when Seth started doing it I felt like nothing would work, but I persisted and now he only has the occasional spack attack. I know as he grows there will be new phases of tantrums and its my job to be there for him when that happens. Its hard work but I think if we are to perceive tantrums in a different light it does make them easier to deal with. I hope that makes sense and I haven't dribbled too much

[MantaRay]

Thanks Cai, that is very helpful. I pretty much do as you have advised - talk to him, praise him when he calms down etc. I don't feel silly about talking to a child so young, his comprehension is good and Jack was also able to understand by that age. I do find once he has calmed down past the worst of it and then starts crying again, a calm "stop crying" does work, so I guess you are right that persistence and consistency are the keys. I guess I just feel out of control because I can't stop it and because this is new behaviour to me, I am worried that maybe it's not normal and something is really wrong.

[Rouge]

Sounds like you've just got one little passionate little man on your hands I know what its like because Seth is just the same. Its hard when the only other time they get this upset is usually due to pain.

[Visitor7]

Nina can throw some whoppers as well. Lately what I have found to work with her, is to either sit with her, or if she lets me, pick her up, and try and calm her down by talking soothly, and saying to her 'take deep breaths Nina' and I take deep breaths so she knows what I'm talking about. After about 30 seconds or so, she will catch on to what I'm doing, and start copying me. And will calm down.
Good luck, and I hope you find something that works for you.

[Amie]

Just wanted to say that I think Cai and Jodi are spot-on. Think about how you feel when you are upset or tired or frustrated - what do you immediately want to do? Call someone, have a hug, perhaps jump on BB ()? These are all forms of expression, and little ones need to express themselves at times like this just as much as we do. They have the added burden though of sometimes not really understanding why or even what they are feeling.

As with anything overwhelming, it helps them so much to know that mummy/daddy/someone is there for them, that it's ok to let feelings out and that they don't need to bottle them up. It's especially good for them to know that it's not "bad" or "wrong" to have a bit of a wail every now and then (as long as it's not dangerous for anyone!).

So, and good luck Manta Ray (and all the others who have emotional outburst-ers )

[doulamamma]

my little boy behaved the same, but in his case he was intollerant to a number of foods, - so maybe it could be his gut bothering him and he doesn't have ways of expressing it.. not trying to be alarmist or anything but once i addressed his food issues it calmed down a lot.. he started up again lately and i think there may be some things i am not aware he reacts to. his main intollerance is to wheat and dairy and also watermelon.
just covering all bases - or it could be that he lack of speech is frustrating him .
good luck with it.. i know it tears my hair and heart out.

[mbear]

Melanie, did i see in another post you have returned to work....and your DH is a SAHD for the time being? Could your little one be reacting to this in his own way? - he used to have mum all day with him,now your out at work, and left him with good ole dad....??? Just a thought.