Following on from the "was your partner as informed as you" thread, I am interested in seeing whether many of you have decided it's best for DH/DP NOT to be in the labour ward with you. Ie, this was a planned decision, not that he was late, things progressed too quickly, etc.
How did your discussion to arrive at this conclusion pan out?
Was there disappointment on either side?
Has anyone had DH not there for the labour, just the birth?
Interested to see if it happens much these days.
BTW, if you want to know why I'm considering this, please see my post in abovementioned thread.
I haven't read all of the responses but I am replying largely to Star...
I think that it's interesting how birth has evolved to the inclusion of partners... A fairly volatile comment I know!
Birth largely was always Woman's business... When a Woman's Man was present - he was largely there to share his love energetically - but to keep to just that. Emotive support...
Now, many Women say: "I just want my partner there"... Which is fine for individuals but I do question the wisdom of this decision when there is no other advocate for a Woman.
Birthing Women need a Woman known to them who is well versed in what this particular Woman's ethos is & is also knowledgeable about birth and the process of Birthing... Actually they don't just need it - it's crucial to a positive birth outcome.
Now individually things can be different. A very empowered Woman who is assertive and knowledgeable may get her needs met even if her Man crumbles and begs her to have an epidural or a c/section... But many many wouldn't. This I personally believe doesn't serve a Birthing Woman.
My exhusband didn't have much of a clue - he knew & trusted my knowledge and trust in my body. He also knew if he uttered even a hint of intervention then his life wouldn't be worth living... It probably helped that he certainly isn't the worlds most empathic man - so he can easily disengage from anothers pain!
Many men cannot disengage from seeing their serene well groomed partner strip down, growl, screech, moan, sway and grunt with the effort and intensity of labour... It's a different experience... I liken it a bit to the time I was called into a footy change room - seeing all of these sweaty men with their bits dangling out slapping backs and talking raucously! It was a different world that I didn't understand. So, a man in this woman's land find's it a bit like that... That coupled with pain. Now, in our society pain is something to be taken away. Emotional pain, spiritual pain and physical pain. We have a whole bunch of people that earn their living that way - by removing pain. So he sees this woman he loves in a lot of pain & he wants to take it away...
Out goes all the plans because he can see a way to save you...
Now, not all men will feel this way - some men will be very informed & will get it. But at the end of the day many just want you the Woman to feel better - God bless their cotton socks...
I can see why it can change the energy of birth to have a man there. I also know that I will be shouted at for that! But I have seen it happen. I don't believe that a Man can be everything for me or for any woman. We need different things from our Men than we do from our Women!
Men fix - Women work through. Birth is about working through the pain for the beauty of the outcome. Men often (certainly not always) want to take it away for you.
This too comes down to obstetricians. I remember saying to a Male obstetrician who is a friend - I didn't wnat him in my Birthing room - for all of my reasons above. I want Woman Energy as I birth & I didn't want that in my space... I said to him after the birth - "there was a while there that I didn't know if I could do it"... He said. "I could have helped you with that"...
But I didn't want help - at least not that sort. I wanted strength and power that I get Energetically with Women who are in tune with other Women & the sacredness of Birth!
So, I dom't think it says anything about ones relationship to not have a partner at your birth. I think it says much about your need for just the right environment to facilitate the best and most sacred experience for you...
We are homebirthers so I don't know if my perspective is any use to you ...
I mostly labour alone coz ... I dunno why, I just do If we transfer he stays with me and if they baby needs special treatment he goes with the baby and my midwife and doula stay with me.
If you're unsure about labouring along you can hire a doula
I haven't personally - only because when I asked my DH how he would feel about being there after the event he made it very clear that he would want to be there when his baby is born - no question about it!
When it came to asking him if he was adverse to a doula, he asked me why I'd want a stranger at such a personal moment and I told him straight out that he is great for the emotional support - but anything beyond that I don't feel he "gets it" or wants to. Case in point when he refused to read anything regarding the strategies I've worked so hard at to make this birth more successful than my last - his answer "Chris, I'm just not interested"
So yes if I had my way I'd birth with just a Doula and perhaps have him there for the actual pushing part - however I have to respect the fact that this is his child as well and he really really wants to be there.
hi, i had my partner for last 2 births he didnt do much&i thought why did you bother lol
this time around my partner will look after 2 boys & i have asked my best friend to be birth partner im looking fwd to having her there as she will know what i want & need during labour & my partner didnt mind a bit
Anyone Labour / Birth Without Partner - planned?
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If we transfer he stays with me and if they baby needs special treatment he goes with the baby and my midwife and doula stay with me.
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