**DISCLAIMER: this story is my record of the week before the birth as well as the birth itself, so its very long. Feel free to skip to the middle for the birth details)**

The birth of James Llewellyn: A soft, secret dance

James and I seem to have shared a secret intimacy since those early days post-conception. I knew I was pregnant well before my body gave me signs or the home test finally gave me the positive, and one of the first things I felt was that it was a boy, and he was going to come “on time”.

Throughout the pregnancy, I had to keep reminding myself I was creating a new person, and not just a clone of his sister, because the spirit and general feeling of the pregnancy was very similar. I felt fit, well and ever so happy. I also felt I could really indulge in the pregnancy and marvel at the changes in my body – something I think I resisted when pregnant with DD, as I was still working and trying to be “normal”. This time, I gave myself permission to be pregnant, and time and space for growing a new life.

I hired the same IM that helped with DD, and set about planning another joyous homebirth. It felt wonderful to be working with Jan again. I truly missed her in the weeks following DD’s birth, and it was wonderful to have a reason to see her regularly! Throughout the antenatal visits Jan once again helped me to confront any fears or apprehensions I had about the birth, and one of the things that came up a few times, was how could I replicate the amazing birth I had with DD? Did I deserve it? I felt so lucky to be growing a perfect little baby, and to be enjoying such good health. Surely something would go wrong? Trust seemed to be the first lesson for me.

As the pregnancy progressed DD and I enjoyed slow, slow days together, punctuated by a daily walk and our “nudie nap”, where I would breastfeed her to sleep, skin to skin, at her insistence. I also enjoyed a deep connection with DH, as we reveled in the marvel at our expanding family, and our renewed sense of love and commitment.

As 36 weeks began approaching, I started to nest like crazy, with the anticipation I would have a baby very soon. Much of this was due to the early arrival of DD, who surprised us at 38 weeks. This time, I wanted to be all ready and prepared before then, so I could just relax until the time came.

At 36 weeks I had the birth plan meeting with Jan and Kelly (our back up midwife), as well as my sister, who I really wanted as part of the team again (she supported me with DD). Jan asked me what I wanted each person to do at the birth, and I expressed my desire for DH to be there for me, while my sister would be another pair of hands. I expressed my desire for DD to be elsewhere, and had a few ideas of people who might help. I told the midwives it was their expertise that I needed at the birth, such as helping protect my perineum, and ensuring the baby was well after birth; basically to help me feel safe so I could birth with confidence.

Despite having organized a birth pool, I knew I wouldn’t use it. I love watching water births, and the hands off approach midwives are forced to take as the mother guides her baby in watery isolation…but I knew in my heart I wanted my midwife to be hands on, or at least watching at close quarters as I birthed.

Around this time I started to organize my birth alter, and arranged crystals, candles and affirmations on the mantelpiece in our loungeroom. I also held a few gatherings of wonderful women, who donated beads for a birthing necklace, fabric for some flags and joined in when I had my belly tattooed. Baby clothes were organized, birthing things at the ready, and support for DD arranged. I felt in perfect readiness, and I was finally 38 weeks.

As 38 weeks rolled into 39 weeks, I started to feel unsure. This was new territory for me. New fears started to creep up: had the baby moved enough today? How will I get in touch with DH when the time comes? Who exactly will be available to take DD when I need? Patience seems to have been the second lesson.

My parents came to stay over the weekend, and I started to regret having them stay in the house (despite mum checking a dozen times if it would be okay). I realized I needed to start protecting my birth space and opening my heart to the possibility it would happen anytime. But I also needed to wait until the baby was ready. I was measuring slightly behind, and my midwife assured me he would be born when he was roughly the same size as DD. During that weekend I had some clear pre-labour signs, such as cramps and a few one off contractions, but I didn’t feel safe with my parents in such close proximity.

It was a relief to have the house back again, but now I faced another week, with DH busy and working overtime to get ahead before the baby arrived. He made a throwaway line that next weekend would be better, and I think that just about undid me. The next day my midwife arrived and I had a big cry about how I felt like I was waiting for everyone else. Other people’s lives seemed so busy – did they really have time to help me? Was there space for me to start this process of birth? She encouraged me to talk to DH, but also to think about me baby and what he needed. My third lesson then was letting go. Letting go of any expectations of birth, of time, of when, of how DD would cope, of everything. Relax. Some wise words from my SIL really helped me here she encouraged me to forget about all that had gone before, and to take this experience for what it was: this baby, this birth, this dance.

On the Wednesday I woke to some contractions. Just three or four but sporadic and about ten to twelve minutes apart. I got up and had breakfast and had a few more. Then I lost my plug. I tried not to get excited and spent the day with my sister. She was wonderful at helping me work through my emotional needs, and I realized I needed DH to be more ‘available’, but also for DD to be taken care of, possibly before I even went into labour. It was like my body needed all the boxes ticked and then it would start.

Thursday I again woke to erratic contractions. They were clearly contractions with that feeling of growing intensity (rather than just Braxton Hicks) but once I got up they disappeared. It was incredibly frustrating, but I tried to reassure myself, and read over my birth affirmations and light my candles, and somehow remain positive.
Friday I woke with more erratic contractions, and decided to be more pro-active. I was tired and needed this to start. I organized a friend to come and take DD and arranged for DH and I to spend an evening together. I hoped that some intimacy and special time would spark something more serious. It was a lovely evening, but I really missed DD. It was at this time I realized I needed her there somehow. Not in the birth space, but maybe in the house, so I could watch over her too. I needed to be a mother to both of these babies, and it felt like a lightbulb moment for me. We collected DD and went to bed as a family of three for the last time.

On Saturday 26th March I woke again at 5am with erratic contractions. They felt the same as the previous few days, so I thought nothing of them. At this stage they were about eight and ten minutes apart. Every second one was shorter but more painful, and it was unmistakably doing something to my cervix, because I could feel the thinning.

I got up at 7 and put on my birth necklace, and lit my birth candle and tried to have as normal a day as possible. DH took DD swimming I saw my brother and my sister and basically ignored the sporadic contractions. As the day progressed they increased in intensity at times, but not frequency or length. At the most they were only twenty seconds long, and I seemed to be able to ignore them completely because my sister didn’t even notice a change in my breathing while she was here.
At 5pm we decided to go for a walk to see if things would pick up. DD was being impossibly clingy and refused to go to the playground with DH so I could walk around the oval. I started to feel overwhelmed and resentful of the many taxes on me and basically stormed off home. DH and DD stayed at the playground for a while, before coming home for dinner. During dinner I had to concentrate a few times on the contractions, with every second one being very short (ten seconds) and very bitey. I started to wonder how much more intense they would get.

At 8pm I rang my midwife and explained how I felt. Basically I was tired and uncertain and was wondering what she made of these strange contractions. At this stage they were no less than five minutes apart, but alternating between twenty and ten seconds long. My midwife said it sounds like my body is trying to go into labour, but is working up to it. She said it’s probably my cervix thinning, and I would probably go into established labour in a few hours. She asked me if I wanted her to come now and sleep at my house. I hesitated because I felt like I was making too much of it, and that her presence might just make it all stop. Eventually we decided I would just call her to come when I was more certain things were picking up. In the meantime she said to have a bath and relax if possible.

At 8:30pm DD and I had a nice bath together and I tried to relax through the contractions. They were still spaced out to five and seven minutes and I was feeling a bit more positive things would happen tonight.

At 9pm I took DD to bed to breastfeed her to sleep. While lying there I had to stop and count my way through the contractions. The shorter ones were pretty intense by now and I had to lift up onto all fours and audibly count my way through them. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12. Six was now the peak, but they were intense and so short. DD looked up at me in concern as I did this, her little eyes glued to mine. She asked “ok mummy?” and luckily they were so short I could resume feeding her quickly. Every second contraction was longer, but less painful and I managed to stay lying down.

9:30pm DD was asleep and I came and discussed the situation with DH. I felt unsure whether I needed Jan here for the night or not. DH asked me what was more important – having her here just in case or going into labour tonight (assuming her presence may stall things). I decided to try and focus on getting myself into established labour and then I would call her. I knew Jan was going to bed at 9:30, so it felt like the decision was now made and I would call her on an as needs basis only.
DH was wondering what to do, so I told him to go do some work on his computer and I would listen to some music. I put on Stevie Wonder and danced around the living room. I also got some heat packs to hold on my tummy, and concentrated on a wide stance, and stomping my feet. It felt really good to move. At one stage I caught DH standing in the doorway smiling at me…it felt intimate, special and yet so normal.
By 10pm I was aware of the gap between the contractions closing to about 5 minutes and then 3 minutes. They were still short, with one thirty second contraction followed by the really painful twelve second contraction. I again chatted to DH about what to do. I felt so lucid and aware of everything which was very different to my experience of labour with DD. I decided I would call Jan anyway and let her know it was happening and perhaps she should be here after all. We got her voicemail, and so left a message. I didn’t think too much about it, because I was sure I had hours yet. DH assured me that we would know when it was happening, and although Jan lived about forty five minutes away, there would be time. At this stage I also tried calling my sister, just to give her a heads up, but I got her voicemail too.

I went back into the living room and changed the music to Laura Marling. I set up a nest of cushions on the floor and breathed into contractions. At one point I got up and wrote in my pregnancy journal. I also contemplated holding onto a crystal, which I did in DD’s labour, but decided I didn’t need anything. DH was still working away and I could hear his tap, tap, tap of the keyboard, which was strangely comforting. Occasionally I called out to him to change the heat packs, but I felt very safe and cosy.

At almost 11pm I was in a lovely zoned out mode leaning over some cushions. I started to feel like going to bed. It seemed there was no real change into established labour, and I was tired. I imagined DD’s sweet little face lying in my bed, and I really felt like crawling in next to her. Then another contraction hit and I knew I couldn’t sleep through these, and yet I so wanted to go be with her. Something told me I had to stay out in the loungeroom though. I was needed here. Just then I heard and felt my waters break. I ran to the toilet expecting the gush I experienced with DD, but it was only a trickle. I called out to DH “Um, my waters just broke I think we need to get someone here”. Again we tried Jan and my sister, but still no luck. Then I started having those double contractions, or the contractions that double peak which signal transition. I went to the toilet and felt a bit pushy, and yelled to DH that we would be freebirthing if someone didn’t come soon. I told him to call the backup midwife Kelly, who lived in the neighboring suburb. We got her voicemail too, but luckily she called back and said she was on her way.

At this point I had a nice long break between contractions, and managed to tell DH we needed to get set up. He started to get the plastic sheets and towels etc out of the box and set up near the couch in the living room. I had a few of the double peak contractions in this time and I was marching around the kitchen with a heat pack saying “ow, ow, ow, ow, ow”. Then I had another break and Jan rang. DH was speaking to her on the phone and I remember thinking “oh great, it’s all quiet in the background, she won’t believe that I’m so close”. Just then another contraction hit and I felt like pushing. I went into the spare room so DH could talk to Jan and knelt next to the bed. I buried my face into the bed and roared with everything I had, clutching at the doona with my fingers. I remember thinking “oh good, Jan will hear that and come right away”.

DH came into the room and I told him I was pushing. He stayed calm and told me Jan was on her way and Kelly would be here soon. As another contraction hit, he pressed on my sacrum and told me to “hold”, which felt really comforting at the time. My body had taken over though and I was well and truly into second stage. Dh suggested I try and move into the loungeroom, where he had set up, but I couldn’t move anywhere. Next I was aware of DH asking me to lift my knees as he slid the plastic under me and placed some towels down. He also then gently started to pull my pants down (yes they were still on!) but only managed to get them to my ankles when another contraction hit.

Now I was really roaring and clutching the doona as my body pushed the baby into my pelvis. It felt so good to claw into the fabric and bury my face into it, and I could feel my bones open and the baby move down. I kept thinking of one of my affirmations “I choose to say YES to the power of my body and accept myself completely”.

I started to get really hot though and asked for a cold washer and some ice. Just as DH got up to get them though another contraction hit and I called him back. Poor DH was really torn as I also started to ask for heat on my perineum. I had the washers and bowel all out, but he couldn’t get away to get the hot water. At this point I started to think about the reality of free birthing and that I just needed another pair of hands. As if she heard my thought, the backup midwife Kelly arrived. I remember her walking into the room saying with awe and gentle admiration “Oh! You’re going to have a baby really soon”. She later told me it was 11:35 and she could see the head on view as she came in.

Now I totally relaxed. Ah. At last DH could get the cold washer and the ice, which felt amazing on my hot face and parched throat. Kelly said I was doing perfectly and that I should just go with my body. She asked what I wanted her to do, and I said “watch my perineum” and so she placed some hot washers there for me. At some stage she also listened to the baby’s heart rate with a Doppler.

My contractions were still pretty sporadic, with some clustering together and then a long break, which I really appreciated. By now I was starting to really work with them, not pushing so much as opening with each one. My vocalizations were now more like panting: “oh, oh, oh, oh” as I felt the baby descend. Each push felt like a real relief, and I said “Oh that felt good” a few times.

At 11:45 the alternative midwife Fiona arrived. It was clear Jan was going to miss the birth, so she called Fiona to come instead. I remember her arriving and also marveling at the scene, saying “Oh, great work mumma”, before checking the baby’s heart rate with a doppler. At the time I remember thinking that wasn’t needed because I could feel him kicking the whole time.

I started to feel the real bowel pressure that I knew was close to crowning. At one stage I felt like I was crowning, but then I felt the baby slip back up. I remember not liking that feeling in DD’s birth, but now I knew it was a good thing – my body was slowly stretching to help get the baby out. I started to visualize the head and I think I asked to see in a mirror, but I couldn’t manage to get my head to look down between my legs. I was so comfortable on the bed, with most of my torso lying over the bed and a cold washer on my face. I knew I had to take this next part slowly if possible and I really tried not to push. My body was bearing down really well and I tried to hold it back. A few times I felt like I was out of control, but I managed to breathe and ease the baby out. Then Kelly said, with the next contraction we should see baby’s head, and I knew I had to prepare for the ring of fire. This was a nice break though and I really relished in the gift of rest.

Then it was time again and I really panted my way through this contraction, but it was so strong, and I knew we were close. I suddenly thought of the poem I had on my birth alter that says “Fear not, the time is close” meaning that when it hurts the most you’re almost there. Then it seemed like I couldn’t hold any longer and I felt the ring of fire. Ouch! It really did feel like tearing upwards, as the baby’s head shifted around that corner and out.

“Look at that, it’s like a river” someone explained as a torrent of water poured out over the baby’s head.

Here was another nice break though- something I didn’t get with DD. I wish I could have felt the head as it stayed suspended there, but I was so in my zone with my face buried in a cold washer and the bed. Suddenly I felt movement “he kicked me” I said, and I was aware of the baby trying to turn itself around. It felt really amazing as he pushed his shoulder out, and then slithered out.

I was aware of the cord coming out too, and then I leant forward and put my hands down waiting for them to pass him between my legs.

“What’s happening?” I asked as there still wasn’t a baby.

Kelly explained she was unraveling the cord from his neck, and I heard her count “one, two three, four, five”. And then finally she passed him to me.

Oh, a baby! I could hardly believe it. I placed him to my shoulder and waited for the cry. He started gurgling and I leant him back to look at him. “C’mon little one” I said, and asked if he was ok.

The midwives assured me he was fine, but checked his heart beat and said he was just perfect. Fiona suggested I blow gently on his mouth to help him out, and immediately he gave a little cry. Ah, such relief. It was 12:05am on his due date.
At this point Jan arrived and she came around and sat on the bed. We passed DS to DH and Jan enveloped me in her arms. I really snuggled into her warm neck and Fiona reminded me we needed to stay focused on the placenta. I could feel something there, but it was only more cord. Just then my sister arrived and I wanted to get onto the bed and breastfeed DS, but the placenta was already there and came out easily.

I then climbed onto the bed and had a real look at DS. He was perfect and was pinking up nicely. I wanted my sister to come in and have a look too, and she and Jan came and sat with me, while the other midwives started cleaning up. Both Jan and my sister were so sorry to have missed the birth, but I felt it was absolutely perfect. Each person seemed to have their own special role to play: my sister for those tough days leading up to the birth, DH for his innate love and knowledge of what I needed, Kelly and Fiona for their trust in my body and reassurance they gave and finally Jan, whose warm love and amazing knowledge helped me recover.

It has been an amazing week with our little Baby James. My recovery has been extraordinary, and I have been up and about since the birth. DS has been feeding so well and I am really relishing having a baby to play with again!

During the week though I have learnt that my unusual labour can be attributed to James tangled position within the cord, as the sporadic contractions were my body’s way of keeping him safe as he descended ever so slowly into this world. He also had the longest cord my midwife had ever seen (with a knot as well) and we made placenta and cord prints to keep. His long cord seems to be attributed to his high activity in utero, and also helped keep him safe despite being so tangled (the cord was pretty loose around his kneck).

It seems James and I had a unique harmony during his birth – a dance for two that tested my limits of trust and patience, and ultimately letting things just be. He entered this world in exactly the way he was meant to: softly, softly, and almost by surprise. We love you Baby James.

Stats: 3.5kg, 55cm long and 33.5cm head.

Thanks for reading.