Before you settle in to read this story I would brew pot of tea or a huge mug of coffee or rip open a bottle of wine, and have a block of chocolate at the ready!

This isn't just a birth story.. it is the story of our whole pregnancy as because the birth is just one part of a crazy rollercoaster that brought with it joyous highs and heartbreaking lows.. and without the pregnancy journey the significance of the actual birth is a little lost....

*Warning this story does cover a loss*


The Prelude

In late 2009 we decided that in the new year we were going to try and provide our daughter with a sibling, this is a decision that wasn't taken lightly, our first daughter was born at 33 weeks, while in the prem world isn't particularly early, she arrived in a big rush, her story is here, and while her time in SCBU was reasonably smooth, with minimal breathing issues, sepsis, low bls, jaundice and took a few weeks to learn how to feed, she has long term respiratory issues and had required numerous hospitalisations and is on a raft of medications to keep her out of hospital. Something we were desperate to avoid this time round. We knew that going into this pregnancy that before we even started I was classed as high risk of having another prem as the reasons she arrived early were a combination of maternal on and other pregnancy related complications.

The Pregnancy

We were extremely blessed to discover that we had become pregnant during the first month of trying, and estimated our EDD to be about the 27th of October 2010. I made our announcement on the forum and it was with gusto that I stated we were going to avoid the premmie rollercoaster and grow a full term take home bubba. We wanted to experience giving birth and taking your baby home with you, not leaving them behind in the hospital after discharge in the care of others, a baby should be with its parents..... not isolated in a plastic box surrounded by machines that go "ping" and constantly being poked and prodded by with needles and tubes, wires and lines.....

For the first couple of weeks everything went smoothly, very few tweaks and twinges it was certainly different to my first pregnancy, but as everything had "stretched" before it wasn't surprising. On the March long weekend we had a photo shoot which had been postponed from January due to DD having been in hospital, it was a beautiful crisp Sunday morning, wandering aimlessly through the east of the city, looking for those unusual creative locations to capture our family of three (plus bub tucked up safely inside my belly), we were so happy so carefree, I look back at the photos now and am touched by the pure joy that resonates from the images, knowing that that are the only photos which include all of us....

The following evening I was cooking dinner, DH was in the office and DD in her highchair eating dinner, and out of the blue was a gush, I stopped in my tracks, bolted for the bathroom, wondering what had just happened, it was at this moment that our lives started what was to be one hell of a rollercoaster ride... I was bleeding, bright red fresh blood; it had soaked my underwear and jeans. I was shaking, horrified and scared, I yelled out to DH, he came running, tears were pouring down my face... I had bleed while pregnant with DD but it was never to the extent I was experiencing this time. DH ran and grabbed the phone book and my mobile and I called the WCH, as I hadn't been to my OB yet and wasn't sure who to call, and thought the WCH would be the best option. They said to come in immediately and would see what they could do; I was 7 weeks 6 days. I went upstairs got cleaned up and changed, grabbed my handbag, phone and car keys, gave DH a kiss and a warm hug and blew a kiss to DD trying to hold myself together so she didn't see me upset.

I drove into the hospital and was seen quickly, they checked my loss, undertook a blood test to check my HCG levels to see if they were high enough to warrant a scan, and I went back to the waiting area to wait for the results. Within 1/2 an hour they asked me to start drinking water and a while later they came and got me for a scan. The Dr on call was lovely, and went through what she was going to do, she was then interrupted to take a call from a country hospital where they had a mother labouring and the staff needed assistance, 10 minutes later she returned and we went through it all again. She started the scan, I was desperate to see the screen, but I could only just see it, she was quiet for a majority of the time, will a lovely MW held my hand. The Dr confirmed that there were two sacks, one slightly behind the other, and that she thought that there might have been a HB in one of the sacks, I was pretty certain that I could see she had picked up a HB but couldn't confirm if she had seen as HB in either and that I would have to get a scan on the Rolls Royce Machine in the next few days to confirm either way... My HCG levels were 32,000 @ 7 weeks 6 days

So I left the hospital in a daze not really taking in what she had just said and doing what I needed to do to get home and back into the arms of my DH. We both cried, we didn't have a clear answer, nothing could be confirmed.... So I came onto BB and asked for support and prayers for the next few days, this was not something that I was going to be able to go through alone or just with DH, I needed to know that there were people out there who had been through something similar or who just understood what I was going through and to give us hope... and the community was there for us for the next few days and weeks and months... supporting us and praying for good news.

The following day I booked in for my scan at the WCH which the earliest appointment I could get was Thursday morning, 2 days time. I then rang my OB's office to see if she would like to see me and she made a space for me just over an hour to see her. I remember sitting in the waiting room and seeing some beautifully pregnant mothers, close to the end of their pregnancies and how I would love to be in there position to skip what was to come in the following days, weeks and months....

I didn't wait long and went in to see my OB, went through what had happened and she was shocked that they hadn't done an internal scan as at this gestation an external US wouldn't show a lot. She then commenced the scan and turned the screen so I could see it clearly, confirming that I had a septate uterus, there was a septum down the centre of the uterus, dividing it into two halves, this alone puts me at risk of Pre Term Delivery. Immediately we could see the two sac's, she was able to confirm that in one sac (Twin A) we had a precious little baby with a strong beating heart 125BPM, Flickering brightly, stronger than it was the night before, she then went over to the second sac (Twin B) there was no heart beat .... To complicate things further the two sacs were joined just above my cervix, so we were at risk of Twin B actually dragging Twin A with it during the miscarriage..... She then did a check of my cervix length and it was 2.1cm, very short for this early in a pregnancy, and may indicate that I had a Incompetent Cervix, so would be on fortnightly scans to check the length, but we couldn’t put a stitch in until the 12-14 week mark, and I need to pass the twin, clots and blood before she would be able to do the stitch. So from here it was going to be a waiting game, there was little we could do except hope and pray...... I was to still go to the WCH for the scan and also get another HCG result to see if that is giving us any indication as to what the future holds for us and our babies...

The following day was emotional, I just didn't know what to think, I was scared... I named Twin A... Flicker...

That night I was woken suddenly at 1am, excruciating pain, and another large gush of bright red blood, I was terrified, I didn't know what was happening... was I losing Flicker as well.... I lay in bed talking to Flicker...I am sending you all my strength and courage Flicker, my little fighter, I have no idea how many times I repeated this to myself and Flicker, but eventually I fell asleep.....

Later that day I went into the WCH for my next HCG Blood Test and then over for the scan, the first thing the sonographer did was zoom in and pick up Flickers HB, it was up to 135BPM, our precious little buba was getting stronger.... but now there were no longer two complete sac's, Twin B's (Firefly's) had ruptured, I believe that this is what I experienced at 1 am that day... the scan continued with numerous measurements taken, the Sonographer then called in the OB, who sauntered into the room, saying hello and soon followed with "You are not going to get to Full Term"... wow.... I was blown away, such a negative comment so early....

The following afternoon we received the HCG results from the day before, they were not great 38,700, they were supposed to double in approximately 90 hours at this stage, and they were no where near doubling... it had been more than that since the first BT.... We could only hope that the slowing of the levels was due to losing Firefly and not indicative of the strength of Flicker.....

Over the next 5 weeks I experienced a number of large bright red bleeds, went for numerous scans and checks, it was tough emotional and scary. I never felt safe, or was able to relax, I had to rest, I worked from home and kept activity to a minimum only doing what I needed to do...

By the 12 week mark my list of complications was growing....

History...
PPROM (Preterm Premature Rupture of the Membranes)
Spontaneous fast progressing labour
Dilation with very little pain or length of contractions
Amniotic Band (although unlikely that it should occur in this pregnancy)

Maternal...
Septate Uterus, heart shaped uterus, known for PTL (Pre Term Labour)
Possible IC (Incompetent Cervix)
A twin pregnancy, which is now a singleton pregnancy
Prolapse, of the Uterus or Vaginal Wall, started to occur at 14 weeks.
Low Platelets
Location of the Placenta, being over the top of the septum, where there is no blood vessels to feed the placenta, so relying on the outer reaches of the placenta to draw oxygen and nutrients in to help the baby grow.

From here I saw my OB every 2 weeks, we were planning longer gaps between appointments but it wasn't meant to be... At 16 weeks the Braxton Hicks (BH's) started, 6 weeks earlier than they had with DD1... At 17 weeks my fluid levels were low, it appeared that we are looking at the opposite I had with DD1, where she had a swimming pool of fluid, this time we only had smaller pockets of fluid, Flicker was breech and we need to look at getting Flicker to turn and stay turned, with the low fluid levels and shape of my uterus we needed Flicker to be head down as early as possible.... My cervix had lengthened nicely around the 12 week mark, but as we moved to the late teens and early 20's, my cervix started to shorten, I was losing length and it was looking as thought a stitch was going to be needed.

At 22 weeks the BH's had grown so intense, were lasting for so long and not relenting that I was put on Nifedipine to reduce or try and stop them, as with a shortening cervix the last thing we needed was anything to aggravate it further. My cervix continued to shorten, by 20 weeks we were down to 3.2cm, the previous three scans it had reduced by 1cm, 1cm and 0.8cm, if we lost that length again, we would need a stitch, but we were absolutely thrilled to discover that at 23 weeks my cervix had grown in length and was out to 3.6cm!

For the next few weeks things remained relatively stable, we were having to increase the Nifedipine to combat the BH's, but we would get them back under control within a few days and I was able to "relax" a bit.

At my 28 week appointment my fluid levels had risen and were into the normal range, and Flicker's position was optimal, so my OB attempted an ECV, they generally aren't contemplated until 36 weeks or around that mark, but we had to take the opportunity while it was there. She attempted it twice and Flicker did move into a better position but then decided nope not interested and immediately went back to the lovely breech position, during the ECV she had to stop a couple of times as I was contracting. A few days later the BH's were getting out of control; I had increased the Nifedipine after the ECV as my OB said it would stir things up for a day or so. But now they seemed different and I didn't feel comfortable with them anymore, so I ended up in my OB's office on a Friday afternoon on the CTG and we discovered that I wasn't just having Braxton Hicks, I was actually having contractions, regularly 15 minutes apart, not just sporadically like she had felt a few days earlier, and in between a very irritable uterus that just wasn’t resting this is not want you want to hear at 28 weeks! I was put on a constant dose of Nifedipine throughout the day, with the hope that we can slow things down.

It was at this point I was put on Bed/Couch Rest, no more working in the office, no more shopping or getting out and about, I was now limited to lying on the couch and only getting up to eat meals and go to the bathroom. From here DH had to stop going to the gym, he picked up and dropped off DD1 to day-care each day, took her to her swimming lessons on the weekends. He did the cleaning, food shopping, helped with meals, washing and just getting things done. Family and friends made meals, helped clean, ran errands and helped look after DD1 on Fridays when she was home with me for the day.

Then to throw a spanner in the works at 29 weeks we received a call that no parent expects... the results from our 12 week scan were incorrect, we had to return to the place where we had the 12 and 20 weeks scans and have an urgent growth scan and meet with a genetic counsellor.... I won't go into all of the details but you can read them here, but we went from being low risk to high risk for having a baby with Down syndrome. It was a very stressful and emotional few days as we took in all of the information and made some big decisions, I truly hope that it doesn't happen to anyone else again.

Over the next few weeks, we would get the contractions under control, then they would ramp up we would play with the dosage of Nifedipine and timing and get a few days grace where they were more spread out and less intense, before we would go through the cycle again.

At 32 weeks they got completely out of control, I was contracting less than 10 minutes apart, it was going on for hours, the Nifedipine wasn't working, I was on the maximum dosage a combination of slow and fast release, taking the fast release when the contractions got out of hand, but it was no longer working, I was exhausted and struggling to cope mentally and emotionally. I was worried that we wouldn't get them under control again. At my OB appointment I was shattered, my OB decided that we needed to try a new course of action, she ordered steroid injections two 24 hours apart, in case we weren't able to stop the contraction, she then put me on Progesterone cream every night, and we had to limit the Nifedipine to 140mg a day, as my BP was dropping too low. The new combination worked, it took about 4 days for the full effect of the Progesterone to work, but it did calm things down again and I finally was able to relax for a bit. My next appointment I was bright and bubbly, contractions on a good day were 30-40min apart, and on the bad days they would get under 10 minutes apart, but were bearable. My OB said that she was about to admit me the week before, I am glad that we were able to get through it without the admission and looking back I am not sure how I did it to be honest....

At my 34 week appointment a few things didn't go to plan, the growth scan highlighted that we now had asymmetrical growth, bubs head was growing at a greater rate that the abdominal, with the femur being right on dates, this was not good, while we are able to accept low growth, when things become asymmetrical it indicates that the baby isn't receiving enough nutrients. My BP had risen and while 120/80 is not particularly high, the fact that I was on a lot of Nifedipine which lowers BP and previously I had been sitting around the 110/60, it was a big jump in a very short amount of time. We were reaching the end of what my baby and my body were able to cope with. I was sent off for a series of blood tests and monitoring, another dose of steroids was ordered for a few days time, and in four days we were going to make the call as to when our precious little Flicker was going to arrive earthside....

35 weeks.... the end is nigh..... it was the title of my last post on my blog, and my final message on my forums and FB. The decision was made within seconds of entering my OB's office, she asked how I was feeling and I said buggered. I was mentally, physically and emotionally I was at my limits I was questioning my ability to go any further, where could I find the strength to go on for another few more weeks, I wanted to dig deeper, but I felt like I had nothing left. She said that she was amazed that I was still going and that we had reached the end, she wasn't comfortable with pushing it any further I was maxed out on medications in attempt to stop things, but my body was now fighting the medications, we knew the day would come where there is a point that the drugs would no longer work....my baby needed to come out. So we booked in the C-section, we had hopes that a Breech Delivery would have been an option and my OB was fully supportive of it, but we were now in a situation where both bubs and I were going to be put under too much stress going through a natural delivery, we were going to have to stop the drugs and with my BP already high, we knew that if we stopped the Nifedipine it was highly likely to skyrocket and would likely end up with an Emergency C Section, and I was at peace with the decision, I felt calm as I didn't chose my baby's birth date, my baby had been trying to chose its own for months and we had done everything we could to stop it. I just wanted my baby to arrive safely....

From here we went into preparation mode, I was administered a further dose of steroids to boost Flickers lungs, we planned for the last dose of Progesterone that night, but not the following night in preparation for the section the following morning. I was to continue taking the Nifedipine right up to the C-section. Paediatricians, anaesthetists, theatre, hospital were called and booked, another set of blood tests were to be done the following day. We filed out paperwork and I signed where needed, I was glad I didn't have to write why I was having a CS, because it wasn't by choice it was by necessity. She then did a scan, and within seconds we knew the right decision had been made, there was no more black left on the screen, I had no amniotic fluid left, bubs growth had stopped. I was then taken out to go back on the CTG again, I had the little button waiting to press it each time I felt a kick. I was concentrating hard on waiting to feel a movement, but there were none, I drank so ice cold water and still no movements, I was ignoring the contractions, just focussing on that little kick, finally after 35 minutes we got movement, a short while later, the CTG was stopped and I asked the MW how far apart the contractions were. I had stopped timing them in recent weeks as I felt it was taking over my ability to keep a positive frame of mind.... so you can imagine how shocked I was to discover that they were 3-5 minutes apart with a break of 2-3 minutes apart... no wonder I was exhausted.... That was it, it was over, I had a finish time and date... I had fought long and hard and I know that there was nothing more I could do.... I sense of relief came over me as I knew that I only had to hold out for less than 48 hours... this was the start of my time...

I became invisible, I hid away from the online communities, forums, FB and Messenger, I prepared my final post... we were not going to reveal when Flicker was arriving, that was our secret, after bearing my soul throughout this pregnancy we were keeping the grand finale to ourselves and a very select few who "had" to know, but all were sworn to secrecy.......

This was my time to reflect, to make final preparations, to take time out; I had shared so much of our journey this time was now mine, one day before I would meet the most precious little baby. I didn't want to speak with anyone unless I chose to, I didn't want to be quizzed or questioned and most certainly didn't want to be asked numerous times when Flicker was coming...

The Birth

I was up early on Thursday 30th of September, I came downstairs and left DH and DD peacefully sleeping, hoping to have just a little more time to myself, I jumped on my computer and made my final post to my blog and did a final check of my emails as my work laptop was going to be off for the next week or so... a short time later I heard noises from upstairs and it was time to get organised. It was so bizarre to be getting ready to go, nothing at all like the arrival of DD, my waters had broken and we made our way into the hospital in the early evening... this time I prepared breakfast for DH and DD, made sure that DD's day care bag was packed for the day, we had decided that rather than getting anyone to look after her, that we would make her day as normal as possible, at 7:20 am we headed off, dropped DD at day care, I struggled to hold it together, I couldn't help by cry when I dropped DD off, I had to walk out of the room because she was starting to get upset as well, DH stayed and made sure she was happy and settled and we made our way to the hospital.

We arrived at the hospital at 8am, made our way up to maternity and we were taken to our room, on the way the MW yelled out Mon! Victoria is here! I was absolutely thrilled!! Mon was one of the MW's I saw nearly every week at my OB's office, she was supposed to be on night shift that day but was trying to switch to day shift and I was so excited to hear that she was on, she would be coming into surgery with us.

Our room was lovely, it had a large bay window and balcony, I set about unpacking my bags, remembering things I had read on various CS threads on BB, about making sure that you have everything you need at waist height or higher, it was a bit like unpacking when arriving at a holiday destination except I was getting more than a holiday I was having a baby!!!!! Mon came in a short time later and took my BP was up, still contracting away, we listened to Flickers heart thumping away.... so precious to hear it for the last time... We then chatted about what we were hoping to do with Flicker once delivered, it was all dependant on how well Flicker was doing, if all was well I would be able to keep Flicker with me in Theatre and in recovery if I wished. I wanted the opportunity to hold Flicker in all that newborn gooey goodness if possible, to try and breast feed as soon as possible, and to make sure we got lots of photos which we didn't get with DD, we only have photos of her in the humidicrib and our first family photo was when she was a few days old and we were doing a gavage feed.... I then took my final tablet Nifedipine, 13 weeks these small round tablets had kept me going, it was going to be weird not taking them every few hours..... I then handed over to Mon my left over Nifedipine and Progesterone, I had spoken with my OB on Tuesday asking if she would be able to use my left over meds... she was blown away by my offer, but I couldn't bear to see them be wasted sitting in our medicine box, and they weren't exactly cheap either..... She had given me some of my early doses of Nifedipine from her "stash" so that we could start the meds straight away rather than any delays of waiting for prescriptions, and for that I was so grateful. They were no use to me now and I know that they will go to another mother or a few mothers who found themselves in similar circumstances.... it was like a final cleansing....

We were then visited by the Anaesthetist, who went through the procedure for the Spinal and the local to be done after the CS, it all seemed pretty straight forward and I didn't have any questions.

Then our Paediatrician came in, he was DD's Paediatrician when she was transferred out to the same hospital, he is a bit old school, but he is brilliant, he really listens to the mother. I explained what I was hoping to achieve, that we wanted to really have a positive breast feeding relationship from the start, he was very supportive of this and we were confident that he was "on our side".

Finally our OB came in, it was so lovely to see her, she had been there for us every step of this rollercoaster and I was just so happy that she was the one who would be bringing our little miracle earthside. She said they were running about 1/2 hour behind so it looked as though we would be heading in at about 11:30am, which was fine, she went over the procedure again, and we were happy with it all, the screen would be dropped so that we would be able to see our baby arriving and I would get the first touch after she was delivered... so that was it....

DH took my final belly shots, we chose out a couple of outfits for Flicker to wear at 00000 and a 0000, depending on how big our little one was going to be, and they were taken and placed in the warming box... we sat down and I tried to read a book I had started a few weeks earlier, but as I hadn't let a bookmark in I couldn't remember for the life of me where I was up to so I just sat and looked out the window, thinking wow we are about to have a baby!

Before we knew it a MW came in and said well we are off in 5 minutes... crap we still had the laptop out, neither of us had gotten changed, we thought we had more time! So DH bolted the laptop out to the boot of the car, I quickly got changed, DH ran back in a got changed and I hopped on the bed and we were off. The excitement was building as we made our way down the brightly lit corridors to the theatre suite, after fighting for so long it would soon be all over.... when we arrived at the theatre I hopped off the bed and walked into theatre, it was good to take those final steps, walking in to deliver my baby....

At 11:10am I hoped onto the table and the anaesthetist began the preparations for the spinal, my OB and Paediatrician and Mon all said hello and everyone else was introduced to us. It was a stark comparison to the environment in which DD was born, a dimly lit relatively quiet birth suite, even with a room full of people it was much more gentle.. the theatre was bright, clinical and sterile, there was music playing and everyone was talking jovially about a conference that most of them were heading to interstate later that day....

Just as the anaesthetist was putting in the spinal, I experienced what was to be my last contraction, it was my body putting in its last ditch effort, in so many ways I am glad that is when it happened as I will never forget that moment. I focussed on holding the second anaesthetists and DH's hands, trying not to move as the contraction rose, I should have said something but the words would not escape me. It wasn't long and it was over, the Spinal was in and working, I was then assisted to lie down, the table was then tilted, the catheter put in (so glad I couldn't feel that happening!). The BP monitor strapped around my arm, gel put in my hand, monitors attached to my finger and an oxygen mask, the screen was then put up and the drapes put in place.

DH and I chatted about the upcoming grand final rematch, and some other completely unexciting topics, and before I knew it I felt as though a live was being drawn below my tummy, I knew that she had just made the first incision, this was it.....

There was pressure and pulling and tugging, not at all uncomfortable, just a little bizarre, my OB said I hope that your little one is going to be a lot easier to get out than they little boy she had just delivered a short time earlier who was a bit stubborn and got stuck. Soon after my OB announced ok are we ready, I told DH make sure the camera is ready I want lots of photos! This was soon to be followed by lots of laughter, our baby girls was literally climbing out of my belly she had certainly had enough and was using her arms to push her way out! The screen was then dropped, DH started snapping and our precious little baby GIRL arrive earthside, she made a small cry, my OB then brought her over where the screen had been dropped and I was able to touch her we were asked if she has a name and we said no we hadn't decided, we wanted to get to know her first. She was then taken over to resus to get checked out by our Paed. DH went over and took more photos and then cut the cord, DD2 was give some oxygen to help her get going, she was wrapped up and then brought over to me and I was able to hold her, we then got the family photos that we didn't get with DD1 and we just soaked in all her newborn goodness for a minute or two.

It took us a week to name "Flicker" approximately the same amount of time it took us to name her big sister give or take a few hours!

Anastasia Natalia Juliette
Weight: 2720grams / 6lb
HC: 34cm
Length 48cm
Apgars: 7 (1min) and 9 (5min)


She was blowing bubbles and there were significant pauses in her breathing, her Paed became concerned as did we, so she was taken back over to resus and the decision was made that she needed to go to the nursery now. I sent DH to go with her, I was fine just needed to be stitched up and go through recovery. Mon said that if she is ok with will bring her down to recovery. I said it doesn't matter, just make sure that she is ok, I can have all the cuddles I like later on.

So once again I was left behind to be stitched up and my baby taken away... but this time it was easier, I had expected that it could happen and after all we had been through I just wanted her to be safe.

My OB was able to have a good look at my uterus and at that stage my septum was 4cm long, but it was not able to be removed, it is was she would have done it then so that if we tried again in the future hopefully we would be able to avoid some of the complications we experienced this time. The placenta was small, which was to be expected so no surprises there either, but it had done a a pretty good job considering! There was also a large blood clot behind the placenta, which is most likely the culprit for the many bleeds that I experienced throughout the pregnancy, we were lucky it didn't result in anything more sinister.

The stitching was then completed and the anaesthetist brought in the ultrasound and placed a local in either side of my stomach and then I was off to recovery. DD2's Paediatrician came down to let me know that he was concerned about her developing Hyaline Membrane Disease (Respiratory Distress of the Premature Infant), if she did she would need to be transferred to the NICU at the WCH, so he was keeping a close eye on her for the next few hours and if she stabilised with the O2 in the humidicrib within a couple of hours she should be able to stay, but if they left her that things could change rapidly so they put into place extra precautions to ensure that we had the best chance of keeping her with us.

A short while later I was taken up to the SCN to see her, the wheeled my bed up as close as we could get to the isolette, Mon turned her head over so I could see her face and she got really grumpy and upset so I said to switch it back so she was happy again. After a short stay I then was taken back to my room to settle into bed to start my recovery....


The Final Battle ~ achieving an intervention free breast feeding relationship

We had a very difficult time developing a strong breast feeding relationship with DD1 and this time I was so determined to avoid any unnecessary interventions, I was educated, I had her Paediatrician on our side and I had put everything in place to make this work.

With Anastasia in the SCN, I was half expecting her to come in with a NGT (Nasal Gastric Tube) in her nose or an IV in her arm, but a few hours after delivery she was brought into my room, on oxygen, but her only other attachment was the monitor taped to her foot. She was tube, wire and line free. I was thrilled... step one ~ ok we have made it through the first few hours... We then brought her out of the isolette to see how she would go with some skin to skin, my gown was opened up and she was placed on my chest and within minutes her saturations began to stabilise, she was where she was supposed to be and she was improving without the O2, I had heard of it happening many times, but to experience myself just brought tears to my eyes.... it just shows how amazing a mothers touch can be.....

We then attempted out first breastfeed...... it was just like my first breastfeed with DD1, she just licked and played, I soaked it all up as we had to wait days before we were able to try with DD1 and here I was only a few hours later. A MW then bought in a bottle of formula, it had 20ml of a high calorie formula in it, she said that if she didn't had a good suck then she would be giving he the formula It was at this moment I quietly begged Anastasia to suck, I tickled her under the chin, I started doing all the things I used to do to get DD1 to feed. I pleaded her to suck, we had come so far I wasn't going to give up. The MW left the room and minutes later she started... she latched on, and started to suck, and she was strong, I was beside myself, tears pouring down my face, the MW came back in to check on us and was shocked to see her sucking, I was beaming, she sucked for long enough and she passed the "test" the formula was put away for the time being.

This was then repeated for the next few feeds, but with each feed Anastasia grew stronger, she sucked longer and my Colustrum was flowing, I couldn't believe it with DD1 to get any Colustrum was like trying to get blood out of a stone, but this time and after a CS and not a VB the Colustrum was there and I was sustaining my baby girl with it.

Over the next few days we began to battle the scales, she had lost almost 10% of her body weight "the limit" and the MW's were good at reminding me... but on the morning of day 3 her Paediatrician came in to check on her and he said they should just throw away the scales, they cause too many mothers too much stress, and he even said that the 10% 'limit' really shouldn't matter either, you should just look at the baby and look at the mother, if the baby looks good and the mother is happy and comfortable then why intervene, sometimes we just need to give babies and mothers more time, without all of the pressure that comes with a set of scales.

My confidence was given a huge boost, our Paed wasn't like all the rest, he wasn't setting limits or guidelines, I had my ammunition against any MW that said otherwise. On the evening of day 3 my milk started to come in, I had started Motilium that morning as we trying to avoid going through the supply issues I had with DD1 rather than leaving it for a week or so. The following two mornings she had gains of 30 and 40grams, woooo hoooo!!! I was doing it and Anastasia was doing it, we were forming a great team, she had a powerful suck, her feeds were lasting 20-30minutes per side, and she was settling well in between feeds about every 3 hours!!!! This was such a big difference to her sister, by the time we were getting breast feed established her feeds were lasting 1 1/2 hours, followed by settling and then I would have to express and byt the time I was finished we would be starting the next feed, this cycle went 24/7. Yet here I was almost twiddling my thumbs!

I had become very engorged and this caused issues, Anastasia was struggling to attach, we had gone from a great attachment to fissures of both nipples, they were bleeding a lot and very painful, but I knew it would take time to heal and Anastasia to grow and improve her attachment again. So I used a combination of EBM and air drying to help them repair, I asked for a nipple shield in attempt to reduce further damage and I would express for 5 minutes prior to each feed to make the attachment easier. All of my experience from last time was flooding back to me, I was setting the rules and doing it my way, I was confident that I knew what I was doing and I wasn't going to be swayed by each different MW with their own opinions.

She then started to lose weight again, the MW's then started to threaten Formula again, but I stood my ground, the losses were not huge and she was still above the "10%" mark, she was having plenty of wet and dirty nappies, so I knew she was getting enough, it was just going to take some time. Her Paed cam in again and reassured me that he thought the same, Anastasia had developed a wicked tan (aka jaundice), but we agreed that it wasn't that bad, and discussed that her older sister was jaundiced for three months, and it was breastfed jaundice, Anastasia was still bright and alert, and doing all the right things, so once again we avoided intervention and decided to just give her more time.

It was then decided that we were both up for discharge, my recovery had been slow and challenging, but once we got the meds sorted out and some great support and ideas from my online community I was improving each day. There was nothing that the hospital was going to be able to do for Anastasia that I was able to do myself, her Paed was confident that I had done it all before so was happy for her to be discharged with me!!!!

OMG!!!!!! It has happened!!!!! We didn't make it to full term but we did get our take home baby!!!!! WOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I was going to be walking out of this hospital with my baby in my arms, I was not going to be leaving her behind in the care of others, oh the joy and the elation. We did it!!!!

We brought home Anastasia after 7 days, weighing 2520grams and with a HC of 33 cm, fully breast fed and in our arms

After everything that we went through so much just to keep her safely tucked up inside, we all made sacrifices to make it just one further day and then the extra week, we battled through so many complications, went through the lowest of lows and celebrated the highest of highs. Yet after all of it we have come out the other side and every single moment has been worth it because we got our TAKE HOME BABY

The perfect ending to one crazy rollercoaster........ Some photos of the arrival of Anastasia Natalia Juliette....... thank you for reading our story xxoo