For the first time I managed to have everything ready for the baby before it arrived. I had created a birth altar with affirmations, a candle with a labyrinth and some birth art (both created by me as well as some sourced from elsewhere). I also laid out some crystals that I hoped would help me on my birthing journey: turquoise, jade, aquamarine, and a vial of volcanic ash sent to me by my sister (to conjure up the energy of the earth). Also on my altar was a special carnelian stone given to me by my oldest friend, and the birthing necklace I created from the beads given to me by my womenfolk. Each night from 38ish weeks I lit my candle and read my affirmations and touched my stones, trying to centre myself and prepare my mind for the journey ahead.
At 38 + 5 weeks DH commenced leave and I realised I had some free time to just indulge in some time to myself. I booked in to see friends, have my hair done and I really relish the last few days as a family of four.
On Wednesday 29 January (39+2) I noticed the Braxton hicks had a little bite to them and I forced myself to tram and walk to the hairdressers (instead of driving) to see if I could get myself into labour. Sure enough the walk back from the hairdressers was noticeably harder and I was breathing through the Braxton hicks with excited anticipation. Once I got home I started pottering around thinking tonight will be the night. I got the kids to bed nice and early and chatted to DH about the possibility of meeting our baby so soon. The tightenings were certainly ramping up, albeit very slowly and still in a sporadic pattern. After dinner I tried to meditate and see if I could make the contractions come on with more intensity. This managed to work with my last labour, so I put on my birth necklace, lit my birth candles and put on some music. Like last time I asked DH for some space to try and put myself into labour, so he went into another room and left me to dance, journal, meditate, read my affirmations and get myself excited about the birth. The contractions were certainly more noticeable now as early labour with a definite peak and a more regular pattern, but still over five minutes apart and not growing in length or intensity (they were about 40 seconds long). I messaged my midwife Jan to let her know what was happening. She rang and asked if I was in pain, and I said the contractions were painful, but not regular yet. She said she would pop in and see me. I then texted my sisters and mum and some close friends asking them to light a candle for me because something was starting. I have never included people in the birth before, and I really wanted to extend out and feel the support from my circle. As soon as I had sent the message though I knew it was a mistake. I loved seeing the supportive messages I got in return, many with candles in the picture, but I suddenly felt myself on show, and the inner sanctuary I was creating became eroded by external thoughts. I felt myself go into my head.
About 9:30pm Jan and Kelly arrived and wanted to drop off some equipment. They took my blood pressure and checked the baby’s heart beat and asked how the contractions were feeling. They could see from my face they weren’t really hard work yet, and I knew I was only in the early throws of labour. Jan explained I would know labour because I wouldn’t be chatting with her. I knew this already from my first labour when she said the same thing to me. I mentioned as much and had a little cry saying I was just so excited to meet my baby. I told them how much I just wanted to lift him onto my chest – the slimy, crying bundle – and see his face. I told her that I had messaged my mum and sisters (and friends) because I really wanted to involve the women in my journey. I felt it was a group effort this time and my mum was crucial to my journey. Jan simply reached out to hug me and whispered “you can’t change what happened to your mum, love”. In that moment I knew I needed to do this alone.
Jan told me she wanted so stay, because she had missed my last labour, but said “I think the best thing for your labour is if we leave you alone”. I knew that was a hard decision, because she really wanted to be with me. She decided she would leave the equipment on the veranda in case I went into labour that night, but thought it would probably happen tomorrow. I felt really disappointed. By now the contractions had tapered off. I sat down with DH and told him my disappointment. I confessed I didn't know how to involve other people without putting myself on show. He suggested I text everyone, including Jan and Kelly and tell them I was going to bed. He then made me a stiff drink and told me to go to bed. It was excellent advice and I had several hours of very solid sleep.
I awoke at 2am to the familiar peaking feeling of a contraction. Excited I tried to go back to sleep, but noticed another few following in succession. I got up and lit my birth candle again and lay on the lounge. Here I timed them for a bit, but they were again only 40 seconds long and 5 mins apart and then they disappeared after an hour or so. I thought perhaps my excitement was making my body too charged with adrenalin, so I went back to bed. DH was on red alert though and heard me moving around. Together we tossed and turned until almost morning when the children woke us for the usual routine. I got up feeling really grumpy and tired. The contractions were still coming sporadically and I started to think I might have another whole day of this. My midwife called after breakfast and I explained how things were going. She suggested either going for a walk or getting more sleep. I decided sleep was more important at that stage. I also texted my sister who had a restless night too waiting to hear if I needed her. She decided to come over at 10am. I lay down and tried to sleep, noticing how every second contraction was now stronger and with more bite. At some stage here my sister-in-law called and I told her how I felt too “in my head”, and she empathisied saying her third labour was the same. I decided to just embrace this new dynamic, realising I was bring prior knowledge to this birth and that was ok. I thought of one of my affirmations “don’t expect only accept” and I tried to surrender to the process.
When my sister arrived a short time later I got a much stronger contraction but let my despondency be known. She remarked I was breathing through them already, but I again brushed them off, saying I will probably have a whole day of prelabour yet.
Since my sister was now there to mind the children, DH and I decided to go to bed to see if we could get some oxytocin flowing. This had done the trick with my first labour and we shared some special intimate time together: talking about how excited we were, and how much we loved each other and our children. I was trying to doze off, but the contractions were more insistent now, although still sporadic. DH suggested we go for a walk.
My instincts told me I shouldn’t be leaving the house. I couldn’t even contemplate getting dressed. Somehow though I knew he was right and I forced myself to put on a dress and some shoes and we took the children for a walk to the coffee shop and the park. As we walked I thought my body might halt things until I was back in the safety of the house, and I said as much to DH. I was surprised then when the next few moments brought on some strong contractions and at 11:47am I had my first proper-cannot-talk-or-walk-through-this contraction. We were in the middle of the service station and I started to really want to be home again. My sister then took me straight home and DH said he would follow closely behind with the children.
Once we got home I had another strong contraction in the hallway and I picked up my phone to text Jan. Suddenly there was a knock on the door and there was Kelly. Jan had sent her to check on me. As usual Jan’s intuition was correct and I welcomed Kelly into the lounge room.
I felt slightly awkward at this stage because I was just tipping into active labour, so I was trying to talk to Kelly, but also trying to just let my body take over. I exclaimed the contractions were still sporadic but I’d had a few strong ones, sounding unsure of myself as I said so. Her beautiful calm voice assured me it was normal for things to change when a new person arrived and quietly suggested we set up somewhere.
I immediately thought of my bedroom and told my sister and Kelly I wanted to build a “nest”. I pulled down the blinds, changed into my nightie (leaving my birthing necklace on) and piled heaps of cushions on the bed. I had a nice strong contraction while doing this and thought ‘finally’, it’s happening. Then DH arrived home with the kids and could see things were actually starting. He set them up with some TV shows and came down to help set up the room. My sister brought down some candles and the box of birth stuff (plastic sheets etc) and I noticed Kelly started to set up equipment like oxygen. As they were quietly working, I remember thinking “is this really it” and wondering if they were all being too optimistic. The contractions were certainly strong but not overwhelming.
As a contraction hit, I remember standing and asking DH to rub my back, urging him to press harder and harder as it peaked. The pressure felt so good, it turned the contraction into an almost pleasant sensation – like a deep tissue massage. When it finished I noted DH went back to helping set things up: spreading out plastic on the ground, putting on protective sheets for the bed, and gathering towels. I noticed I was standing in the tiny corner of the room without plastic, and cracked a joke about how “that would be typical if I stayed in only space without plastic and ruined the carpet”.
A few more contraction came and each time I stood and nodded to DH to rub my back. I wanted lots of pressure in my sacrum and at some stage he asked my sister to take over because she had done the same role with my first labour. Some stage here Kelly suggested I take my knickers off, and I remember thinking she was a bit premature, because surely I would have lots of this yet. Then it dawned on me that Jan wasn’t with me yet, and almost as I thought it, my sister whispered “is Jan coming?” I heard Kelly whisper back “She’s on her way”.
Reassured we would all be together when the baby arrived, I started to imagine all the women in my life as a circle of faces surrounding me. On the outer circle were all my friends, fellow women and mothers who offered me immense support and love, then I saw another circle containing my mum and my sisters and then in my most intimate space I imagined my own family with DH and the children and this new baby we were welcoming. I started to rub my belly and talk to the baby, feeling really connected to the process of birth as a journey of welcoming a new life into our family and our hearts. It was the first time I have managed to have such conscious thoughts in labour, and I enjoyed the ability to connect with these deep desires.
When Jan arrived she sat on the bed in front of me and offered me her hands. Her energy seemed immense at first and I struggled to accommodate the force of her power within the birth space. Her role as a mother figure to me certainly played a role in this, and it took me a few contractions to get back into my zone and bring her into the intimate circle we had created. From here though the rest of the birth felt like clockwork. I could feel my team working like a well-oiled machine. My sister instinctively checking on children, bringing ice, cold washers, then hot water all at exactly the right moments, so that as soon as someone asked, she was there holding what was necessary. DH was rubbing my back or filming, Jan was holding my hands and Kelly was quietly watching and giving feedback where required.
I felt transition coming as a familiar friend: suddenly I wanted to go to bed. I remember feeling this with the other two births, and I had commented to Jan in an antenatal visit that transition for me was always “I don’t want to do this anymore”. I started to see images of Louisa starting school the next day, the fact I was hot and tired and I remarked “I’ve had enough, I’m going to bed. I’m going to do this tomorrow”. I remember Jan saying to me “You know what that means don’t you”, because I did and it was a cue to her and Kelly that I was moving into second stage. This communication was beyond DH though and apparently his face was priceless – a mix of shock and disbelief.
At this stage Jan said to me “Why don’t you assume your birthing position then”, and I immediately dropped to my knees. Suddenly the contractions came thick and fast and I felt that familiar overwhelming fear, and I said “I’m scared” because in that moment it felt too much, but once I got a good pushing contraction I felt back in my zone. Now I realised I was in a half kneel-half squat position and I said “I’m stuck”. Jan thought I meant emotionally and tried to reassure me, but I laughed and said, no my leg is stuck, and everyone laughed while my sister helped me put my other knee down.
I started to get really hot and bothered with pushing and instinctively my sister started to run a cold washer over my back. It was heavenly. Jan suggested we take my nightie off and I couldn’t get it off fast enough. I was also thirsty and she offered me ice cubes to crunch. The biting sensation was so great this time and Jan gave me a washer to bite down on. It felt so good to bite like that, but somehow the washer got lost and with the next contraction I accidently bit Jan! I heard her yelp and I realised it wasn’t a good idea to bite my midwife. Luckily she was good humoured about it, and said I wasn’t the first.
I remember feeling like the pushing was really hard work at this stage and I was thinking we must be close. Jan must have thought the same because she asked Kelly what she could see, and she replied “Nothing yet”. I felt shocked. I had been pushing for about fifteen minutes or so and with lots of strength, so it wasn’t what I was expecting. Kelly decided to check the baby’s heart and I remember hearing music on the doppler. Jan asked if that was right and Kelly said the heart rate was low (it was about 80). Jan started to urge me now with some insistency in her voice “Come on Anna, meet your baby, meet your baby”, and I remember the contractions coming one on top of the other, but I had this sensation of pressure that was disconcerting. I remarked I wanted it to pop, and Jan reassured me it was a big bag of waters. Jan was trying to get me to relax my body and take some deep breaths, because the contractions were coming close together and I was breathing out so much with each one and almost pulling Jan off the bed each time.
It was like the change in dynamic helped force a change in the baby, because suddenly he turned and the waters popped with such a sensation of relief (he had been posterior). Now the pushing was really happening and I felt so much more productive. I could feel myself stretching now and I knew we were close to crowning. Each contraction was so close to the last and yet I managed to get a short breather here to realise I was about to feel my baby’s head emerge. Suddenly the ring of fire sensation was there and I clenched my buttocks to cope with the burning pain. Apparently Kelly asked me to open my legs, but I couldn’t hear her over the guttural groans that I was making. My sister understood though and lifted my leg to help. This was all the baby needed and suddenly there was his head. For the first time in my three labours I was conscious of the fact his head was right there and I reached down and felt the fluffy feel of his hair and his nose. With excitement I tried to grab hold of him, but Jan told me to wait for the next contraction, which came really quickly and I grabbed his shoulders and pulled him from my body. Wet, slimy, slippery and so beautiful, I immediately looked at his face – “hello baby, you’re here”! The feeling of elation and achievement and pure joy was so overwhelming and I just wanted to hear him cry his first cry. “Come on you have to breath”, I told him and Jan suggested I blow in his body. He let out a gutsy cry that flooded my heart with the reassurance I needed and I gathered him to my body. Ah relief and joy!
The cord was fairly short at this stage so I struggled to bring him to my breast. I just wanted to cuddle and baby gaze, but the midwives were still in business mode and I knew the placenta was still to come. After some time sitting on the edge of the bed, we decided to cut the cord so I could attempt breastfeeding (it was still short at this stage). The baby wasn’t interested, so he went to DH for some cuddles. I was lying back and I didn’t have any urge to push, so I suggested I stand up. That was all that was needed, and once the placenta was checked I got to snuggle down in my bed with my new baby. What bliss!
Callum Elias born 1:30pm on 30 January 2014 at 39 plus 3 weeks.
First stage was 1.5 hours and second stage about 35 mins.
Weight 3.84kg, 58cm long and 37 cm head (my biggest baby).
Callum has been embraced as part of the family from the moment he was conceived. Now he is here, I can see he truly belongs to the children as much as he does to me. DD is so confident and caring, always wanting to hold him and help. DS asks constantly “is the baby fine” and gives him gentle caresses and kisses. The first few days they kept forgetting his name, but now he it feels like he has always been with us. I keep saying I can’t believe he is finally here, because he brings a new level of completeness to me as a mother and to our family.
His birth was also a special journey for me because it encompassed everything I desired throughout my pregnancy: the inclusion of family, friends, the children and especially my mum. I also finally managed to reach down and feel that new life emerging, knowing mine were the first hands to touch him and it was my arms he came to first. And there he has stayed. Baby Callum, we love you.
Last edited by Arcadia; February 14th, 2014 at 07:56 PM.
so beautifully written Arcadia, I felt like I was in your birth space with you! Thank you for sharing and congratulations on the arrival of your 3rd precious baby ♥♥
My 3rd beautiful homebirth
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