'if I can...'

[Miss E]

Ok, not too sure what the point of this post is... But it is something that has been playing on my mind of late, so thought I would share.

Why is it that almost every new mum to be (including myself a couple of years ago) seems to say 'I want to breast feed if I can'

It's as if we embark on motherhood expecting to not be able to breastfeed, when in reality it is very small minority who can't. It's like society sets us up to fail in some ways. I don't know for a fact, but I would expect that there are more couples who have difficulty conceiving than there are women who don't have their milk come through. But you rarely hear a woman about to embark on the TTC journey say 'I want to have a baby, if I can'.

Anyway, it's just an observation of mine. Perhaps in our endeavors to educate people about breastfeeding and the difficulties that can come along with it, we're unintentionally sending the message 'hey, give it a go, but be prepared to fail'....

[Miss.September]

For me, I was concerned that I wouldn't be able to because my mum couldn't. She tried with both me and my brother, managing a week with me and a bit longer with my brother. She was crying the entire time we fed because it was so painful for her and in the end both of us stopped gaining weight. So I wasn't sure if I could, didn't know if I faced the same challenge as mum did, but was also determined to give it a go. I was happy to find that I could, and went on for 14 months.

[Heaven]

I have thought the same Miss E.

I understand what PakRakMG says though about your mother's experience influencing your own and I can understand how that can happen because I had the opposite experience. My mum BF all 4 of her kids so I just always thought I would definitely do the same. I had lots of attachment problems with DD1 and was crying at every feed for weeks but I never seriously considered stopping. I just thought 'I have to feed my baby and this is how babies are fed so I better just work it out' even though during feeds I was wondering how the hell I could keep going with this pain.

I do hear the 'if I can' a lot and people buying formula and bottles before baby is born 'just in case' and wonder if it becomes a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy.

[MummaBee]

I think people say i will breastfeed if i can because they are setting themself up for the what if factor. I think its better to have your options open than be thinking that one way is the be all and end all only to be let down. Well thats the way i see it rather than setting themselfs up to fail.

[shan23]

I think people say i will breastfeed if i can because they are setting themself up for the what if factor. I think its better to have your options open than be thinking that one way is the be all and end all only to be let down. Well thats the way i see it rather than setting themselfs up to fail.

Thats why I said it. I always felt instinctively that I would bf and be fine with it (and its been a amazing experience so far with zero issues ever), but the "what if" played a lot on my mind. I didnt want to go in with the expectation that it would come naturally & easily incase it didnt and I was left disappointed. I was very pleasantly surprised and grateful that from our very first bf things have been exactly what I didnt think it would be: natural & very easy and we've had no issues whatsoever. The reason I didnt expect it to go so well was from reading peoples experiences on here & reading/being told that it can take weeks to establish breastfeeding, and struggles & having a hard time with it at the start is normal. So thats why I always said "if I can" or "I'll give it a real go", to try and minmise the disappointment and feeling of failure if things didnt go as I wanted.

I hope that makes sense lol, I am so tired my brain isn't working too well lol

[Miss E]

That's thing, I completely understand the doubt that we have as expectant mothers, goodness knows I had it too. And establishing breast feeding was really difficult for me, inverted nipples, failure to attach, cracked nipples etc etc meant that we used nipple shields for the first 12 weeks. But we got there and I breast fed DS for 21 months.

I think the problem is that we come across so many bad stories and old wives tales from well intentioned people, that we are left believing that there is a high probability that our bodies might not be capable of it. I think somewhere along the line the message is being misconstrued from 'breastfeeding can be difficult to establish' to 'it could be impossible for you' (which can be the case, but it is very rare).

I guess my point is that there are lots of things in life that require hard work to achieve, but when we say we want those things we don't feel the need to precurse it with 'if I can'. For example, I want to be a nurse/doctor/midwife/accountant, I want to run a marathon, I want to loose weight, I want to be a good parent, I want to win tattslotto.

It's like we go into breastfeeding doubting our ability to do it, rather than believing in ourselves and our bodies like we do in almost every other area of our lives.

[meow]

I totally agree. I don't hop in my car every time thinking "I'm going to xyz, so long as I don't have a crash". And the odds of a crash are fairly high but I'm knowledgeable about what to do in case of a crash and I'll deal with it if it happens. Same when I expected to BF, have a drug free vaginal birth, have a home birth... if a crisis happens I'll deal with it but in the mean time I just said "I'm going to breastfeed".

[Glass half full]

I feel a bit sad when people say 'if I can' or 'I will try'. I understand lots of people have a hard time in the beginning but I think a lot of women need to believe in themselves a bit more. In the end I only breastfed DD for 5 months but I never had any doubts that I would breastfeed while I was pregnant. Like heaven mentioned my mum also fed us kids with no worries so having that influence probably helped.


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[*TripleJ*]

i think its just our society it sucks i didnt buy any formula for either of mine just couldnt handle the pain the first time and went out and bought some

[Snacks]

Sad isn't it.
I think the treatment of first-time parents by the parenting community is largely to blame. So many parents are so quick to tell you about the negatives of parenting, or at the very least to stress to a first-time parent that they have no idea of what being a parent's going to be like until it happens. That may be true but we don't have to bang on about it so much.
Personally, I said I will BF 'if I can' because I was too scared of receiving someone's scathing comments about how things may not work out that way and won't I just have to wait and see.
It's the same with birth - why shouldn't we say proudly 'I'm going to have a drug-free vaginal birth' without the pre-fix of 'all going well'...? I was told by so many parents that I was 'crazy' for wanting a drug-free birth and many were surprised at how I hadn't considered the possibility of a surgical birth. But why should I seriously consider something that's unlikely to happen to the point of half-expecting it to happen?

[Glass half full]

Shan23 - It makes perfect sense


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[loulabelle]

We probably all know at least 1 mother who has struggled and weaned early (if not many mothers who have), so I think these sorts of qualifying remarks are pretty understandable.
It is a learned skill for mum and baby and can take a fair bit of time and effort to establish - not to mention support. There are lots of factors in our society that can make it harder to establish breastfeeding - birth practices, misinformation and ignorance, lack of technical expertise, lack of help and support for the mother at home.

Yeah that.

I do think it's an understandable thing to say. With lack of support and so many different issues that can come up with mum and baby, I think it's just reality. It would be fantastic if support was more available so more women who wanted to breastfeed could. When I had ds it took me 6 weeks to see a lactation consultant. Thankfully my situation improved on it's own though.


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[Amaunet]

This is a really interesting thread I was determined to bf! I watched my sil feed her twins and she definitely inspired me. I also had my mum who was a nursing mothers association counsellor (ABA now). She didn't bf me(first bub) and was devastated. I was premmie, tiny and she had no support and was forced to put me on formula due to poor weight gain. She got all the usual crap, not enough milk, too watery etc. She was determined and joined Nursing Mothers with me as a nb and was the only one bottle feeding but learnt heaps and bf both my brothers for more than 2 years each she became a counselor and would hold meetings etc and set up / roster the feeding/changing tent at local events like the show, races etc

She said if I'd been her second baby or she'd had the right support she would have bf me no worries.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, my mum taught me that just about anyone can bf with the right support, guidance and perseverance- and I believed her

[Liz]

I think I said "if I can" for a while with my first, probably for the same reason of avoiding the attacks for being so positive if I didn't say it. I copped flack for planning a drugfree birth and using cloth nappies too. Sadly you quickly learn not to say anything :/

After chatting to a midwife at our antenatal classes tho, I think I dropped the "if I can" and changed it to saying I'd breastfeed for at least 12 months

I don't doubt that the placenta is feeding my baby.. so why should I doubt my boobs? Yes things can get rocky, cos it's not as automated as the placenta! and I had a few toe curling moments myself, but I agree that planting that doubt in the first place does undermine confidence probably more than we realise.