Well... Here I am, in a place I never in my wildest dreams imagined I would be! I have to be honest, I was completely naive when it came to BF. I did calm birth in preparation for the birth of my daughter and in all the videos I watched, the babes always found the breast in skin to skin. I had an amazing birth and followed it up with 2 hours of skin to skin, at no point did Willow seek out the breast. I asked the MW if she should be feeding by now and she tried attaching her, alas, she had no interest. The MW dismissed this and said she was probably a little mucusy (from the speedy birth), and that she will get interested.

When I returned to the maternity ward, noone really explained how much we should have been feeding her, nor did a MW show me how to feed her, so I just let her sleep, hours went by before someone had noticed she hadn't been fed. I tried and tried, she wouldn't latch, the days that followed the same thing happened, on the day before discharge, it became apparent that I didn't know how to feed my baby and that she didn't know how to latch... By then they had to give her formula and she started loosing so much weight and was admitted into ICU for observation...

Now, just to set the scene, this was a really good hospital - one of the best private hospitals in the state - but due to my bad luck of having her amidst a baby boom in the hospital, the ward was understaffed and spread too thin... It was only the day I was supposed to be discharged that I finally got to see a LC and they assisted me, needless to say I wasn't allowed to go home till we had got BF somewhat established. She suggested I use a shield on day 4 and this helped but she still didn't seem satisfied, in the end I was sent home with a lactation plan for Willow as she had lost more than 10% of her birth weight. I had to express after each feed and top her up 30mls after each feed.

I engaged a private LC for two days after I got back and got her 5 visit special. My LC weighed her and she still wasn't gaining enough weight and suggested I top her up 90 - 100mls after each feed, now I don't have the supply for this so we had to do 50/50. Long story short but this has been going on for the past three weeks since getting home from the hospital, Willow has progressively got worse and worse on the breast and even after spending 40 - 60 mins on the boob she is still taking 110 - 150 mls top up, which to me says she is getting hardly anything out of me. She screams every time I try to put her on the boob and has progressively got worse at feeding, especially since I tried to ditch the shield. So today like the past few days she screamed and screamed and screamed and I couldn't even get her on the boob, so in the end just gave her the EBM and Formula and have decided to just express for the next three weeks and give all her feeds out of the bottle. It has been incredibly traumatic and stressful and I have an overarching stress that I have to return to work in three weeks time (my hubby is taking paternity leave and I have my own business to run). So, she will be with her daddy. So, I guess the thing is I am riddled with guilt and sadness that this hasn't worked, but I also need to think of her, it is unfair to make her suck and suck and suck for little reward only to give her the full feed out of the bottle anyway. I never wanted this and feel very disheartened. After having a wonderful pregnancy and drug free birth this just wasn't part of "my plan". I don't know what I am hoping to gain from posting on here, I guess some sort of therapy just typing out the words. My BB group have been very supportive as have family and friends. I am fearful of judgement from those on the street or those in my new parents group, but also very sad for her and for the lost experience of BFing my daughter. I will continue with skin to skin as she loves it, but I just know in my heart of hearts that I can't continue with BF'ing her, it's too traumatic for the both of us...