kind of not what you are saying but... when DD1 was born she had a small hole in her heart and i used to feel like it was mine and DH's faulty for making her that way. i understand how you are feeling. but it isnt your fault and i'm sure you gave her all the things she needed emotionally and physically as a baby. it sux that you and your bub had to have such a bad time of it but i'm sure you responded in love, patience and kindness and all of those things build the foundation for a stable beautiful child and adult hood. :-)