Co-sleeping with child. What happens to partner?

[HotI]

Hi

I am really interested in the idea of co-sleeping, but find it a bit concerning that many threads mention that one parent sleeps in a different bed or room.

I have also read threads where both parents and child happily sleep in one bed, so know that it can work.

For those who sleep with child (and not partner), just wondering if you can explain your thinking on this.

Does it create issues in your relationship? Does your partner feel like he/she is being rejected for the baby?

As a couple, do you see it a short term 'sacrifice' for the greater benefits that your child will have?

How does it go when you and partner get to share a bed again?

I have been thinking about this for awhile, and just trying to work it out.

Thanks,

[fionas]

Hi Kate

In our case it was DP's idea and he was the one who started co-sleeping with DD in a separate bed to give me a full night's sleep. I had HUGE problems breastfeeding and by that stage she was having a bottle so it didn't matter who got up in the middle of the night. DP was also much more confident co-sleeping because he had done it before with his first daughter (from another relationship).

After that, we figured there was no point us both being tired so I did the vast, vast majority of the overnights while DP slept in a separate room. He's a shiftworker too so for us it makes sense for him to be in a separate bed.

Has it caused issues? Well, we've had lots of issues in our relationship anyway which we are working on. I don't think sleeping separately is one of them BUT the feeling that you are doing everything yourself while someone else is sleeping can be a problem. But that can happen regardless of whether your partner is sleeping in the same bed or in a separate room! I found it really annoying if DP was in the bed and I was trying to be quiet feeding and settling DD without waking him up. Easier if he was in a separate room. On the nights where all three of us were in the same bed, we did manage that quite well when she was very little but it got trickier when she could roll around and she would often lie horizontally so that DP and I had about an inch of space each on the edge of the bed, with her in the middle.

On the whole though, I am VERY happy with our (and it was "our") decision to co-sleep. Initially it was with DD in our room, then in our bed and now back to a cot still in our room (until we renovate). My only regret is that DD now won't have a bar of sleeping in our bed and much prefers her own space. I can't imagine having to get up in the middle of the night to go into a separate room if all she wanted was a bit of comfort. It's been brilliant for me - I often didn't get out of bed, just said "sleepy time now baby" a few times and she would nod off again. Or, pick her up and put her into bed with me and again, asleep within a couple of minutes.

[Lulu]

I never co-slept with no1, she was a wonderful sleeper and loved her cot and her own bed.

No2 was a unsettled little fella and it all happened on its own. Dp would take him into the lounge room to give me more sleep (he wasn't working then, waiting for a knee op), then bring him back in when he settled and jump in too, or pop him in and watch a movie or something (being a night owl that he is).

No3 - well it was just easier for everyone and TBH Dp really loved coming in in the morning to see us all snuggled in together, or the kids would go snuggle with him on the couch giving me a little lie in. I suppose we just took sleep any way we could get it!

It sort of evolved, we didn't discuss it much. He certainly doesn't feel pushed out for the babies. They both have their own beds (dds is next to mine) now and Dp has just started popping back in here and there. Its kinda nice actually but we are both very HOT sleepers and found it hard to sleep in the same bed in the first place. He is also not here full time anymore so Im sure that has something to do with it!

[queenbee]

Hi Kate, firstly, co-sleeping is just wonderful. I could never do the controlled crying thing (tried it once and it was too heartbreaking) so I just slept with our DD for 10 months. She has only recently moved into a toddler bed (as she never liked a cot) and loves that, the transition has been excellent, never thought it would be so easy!

We are a family who slept together, only my DP would go in the other room if he was REALLY TIRED and needed some sleep as he works shift work. I didn't mind that at all. Most of the time, we all slept together. It was beautiful to wake up next to our daughter every morning.

Recently, she had started kicking in our bed so we had to think of another alternative. At the moment, I am in her room and have been for 3 weeks. I don't really miss my DP too much but it will be good to get back in there again soon. I have just wanted to ensure my DD is fine in her new surroundings.

But it has done nothing to our relationship being apart! It's a small sacrifice to pay short term for long term benefits, that's how we see it anyway.

HTH

[queenbee]

For those that are worried about rolling onto the baby I used to worry about that too! But I can't quite describe it, I would wake any movement or noise my DD made funnily enough, it was like an instinct and I can't quite describe it. There are beds you can get that fit in the middle of the adult bed I believe.

Co-sleeping isn't for everyone but definately was for us!!!

[Indadhanu]

We co-slept in our bed for the first 4 weeks, I don't think it did anything to our relationship. I worried that it might but to be honest there was nothing else either of us wanted to do in bed but sleep LOL. We stopped because our bed is only a double so a bit small, Jazz sleeps in a cot at the foot of our bed until her night feed (about 3am) then she comes back in with us most mornings. We don't have a spare bed anymore so that wasn't an option, though I don't think either of us would anyway, its nice to be altogether.

I agree with queenbee, I woke to Jazz everytime she moved, and I always knew where she was like i could sense her.

[queenbee]

At the moment, I am in her room and have been for 3 weeks. I don't really miss my DP too much but it will be good to get back in there again soon. I have just wanted to ensure my DD is fine in her new surroundings.HTH

OH NO....went into our bed last night for first time in 3 weeks and we both had the worst sleep ever and DD was in her own bedroom! What does that say?!

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I never got "touched-out" - I was the one wanting more cuddles from DH! HE was the one who didn't like post-coitial let-down; I found (find) it amusing.

I found sleep SO hard when DS stopped waking up all the time. You wake up in a blind panic "why isn't he crying? Has he screamed himsef hoarse for the last five hours? Is he dead?" No, he slept through. That's what you wanted him to do, remember?

[sunshine_sieben]

We co-slept full time for the first 6 months, then art time for another 6 months. Mostly it was all 3 of us in 1 bed. But maybe once every couple of weeks DH would sleep in the spare room for a couple of nights. This was usually during teething or when he had a huge workload which required him to get up very early (4 am) and it was so that he could get a decent night's sleep and also so he wouldn't wake us up when getting ready for work.
I always missed him and didn't like sleeping apart. I never resented him for sleeping while I was up with DD. Due to his snoring, we actually slept better when he wasn't around - lol.
I personally wouldn't want to make it a regular occurence. I find the responsibilities of parenting are hard enough on a relationship without feeling like the baby separates you. On the other hand, loving a child together is incredibly strengthening for the relationship, too.
Other people might not associate those feelings with sleeping apart and it might be a good solution for them. So I guess every situation and every couple is different.

Saša

[PinkPalace]

Hi Kate
I cosleep with DS and the first couple of weeks DH slept in the spare room. Mostly because i wanted him to have a good night sleep for work the next day .
I dont mind him in the other room as it gives us more space in the bed so i dont feel like i am quished as DS can spread himself out!!
But DH came back into our bed from week 3 and wants to stay so that is fine too.

We have a king size bed though so we get a little extra room and it has not effected our relationship in either option at all.

It actually felt like i was dating again having him in the other room ... hehe... sneek in!