Convincing the Man

Hi Peachy & Ryn
Sorry to hear things are not all good for you both on the home-front - TTC is an extremely emotional time for all sorts of reasons.

One thing I find works with my DH is to agree with him and say "you are right - we cannot afford it yet, lets wait". It is amazing how within a short time he will 'appear' to come up with the suggestion himself and bingo you have your dream. About a year ago we talked about TTC and he insisted we could not afford it and we had to get our careers sorted first, etc etc. So I dropped it and then suddenly one night he said "It would be nice to be a dad!" - I was amazed and threw my pills in the bin immediately (before he could change his mind again :) ).

Not sure if this will work with your partners but I hope you both get your dreams soon.

Hey Shan, sorry if I misconstrued your post. :doh: A bit like chinese whispers, isn't it?? :) You are quite right and didn't say anything about "f***ing holes in condoms". It is technically quite possible, I suppose, though, to f*** a hole in a condom if you try hard and fast enough... hee hee!

Thanks for all the suggestions, Queenie, that was a great post.

Sadly, I’ve tried all of them.

I’ve tried not talking about it (construed as I’ll be a bad mother because I’ve changed my mind about wanting children)

I’ve tried letting it be his idea (he told me he’d changed his mind)

I’ve tried telling him he’s right (if he ever says “I know” to me again in that smug fashion he won’t have any front teeth left)

If I cry, I get to apologise to him for him making me upset, else he won’t talk to me again. Seriously. It does not bother him to see me upset and crying; in fact, he claims my upset about this will make me a bad mother so until I stop crying we will not ever try for children (yes, ever, not me exaggerating)

As for the letter – he shredded it. Because I should be able to talk to him, but when I do I cry so he tells me to shut up because he’s not going to listen to me when I’m upset

If I’m upset about anything other than my barrenness, he’ll cuddle me. If I say it’s about children, he gets mad with me

I need to vent every day about him

Yes, he knows I want his children – I think that’s why he’s waiting, because that means I won’t go off and have an affair to get children

I don’t call him names when we’re discussing children – quite often he’s walked off before I get to that stage

His mum has tried to tell him to have children (selfishly – because she wants grandchildren) and DH has told her no

My mum makes me upset all the time saying how I should be having children and he’ll get mad at my mum, but won’t comfort me about it

I told him I was coming off the OCP because it was making me waaaay too moody and he agreed, only when I reminded him I was coming off it 4 months later he got mad because “I was only doing it because I want children”. If that was the case, I’d not have reminded him at the time.

I’ve wanted children since before I met DH, he knows I was looking for a husband/father of my children when I met him, he also knows I don’t want a career but keeps pushing at me to get one, when in fact I love the fact that I have a great pension and obstetric care at my current work – my boss does high-risk obstetrics (once a week clinic) so I can have daily obs check-ups if I so desire.

I think we’re all thinking I should look into divorce, right? LOL – I’m not going to do that. But DH won’t even support my upset when AF arrives, I know he’s not upset about it but can’t he just pretend for my sake? I’ve asked him to pretend and he won’t. I’m just at the end of my tether with all of this.

Oddly enough, I’m wondering if this is just PMS, as normally I’m a lot more relaxed about all of this. Well, not relaxed, just not so ranty. But that will mean that for the last 2 cycles DH and I have had unprotected sex 2 weeks before AF, so I’ve failed at making a baby twice. Anyway, if I have a 5-week cycle that may be looking like I’m a bit more “normal”, but really will have to go see my GP if all this doesn’t tally. Even though we’re not TTC I’m still a bit narky about these non-regular cycles and DH doesn’t want to talk about it. He won’t talk about anything cyclewise or girly, though he knows I’m mucus tracking that’s all he wants to know about that.

Anyway, now he wants me to go and buy him some screws – LOL at the irony – so we have to go to the DIY store.

Peachy, I’d love to be your ranting buddy! I’m on messenger so any time you want to chat to me drop me a line.

Oh Ryn :hug: I'd go see the doc anyway, it'll make you feel better if things are sorted on that front then when DH does decide that he is 'ready' then you know you guys can go for it, so to speak. Hang in there hun. Deciding when to start ttc is one of lifes hardest decisions in a relationship, because we are usually never ready at the same time. Just remember the time will come when he wants to start, its a scary thought for men, it means they have to grow up.

Sorry, another long one from me, but at least this one has a happy ending!

Well, over lunch I thought it's been a while since we talked about our start date, and it's changed again. I guess I just needed to get a bit out to DH and need to know what he thinks about my cycles, which is very little, kind of annoying as I want sympathy!

BUT changed for the better, little does DH know!

I started talking about our third wedding anniversary, our previous start date - just 15 and a half months away. I'm looking forward to it, is DH? Yes. Why? Because Ryn's excited about it. Why is Ryn excited about it? Pass.

Well, what are we going to do on our third wedding anniversary? Pass.

If we have no children by then (kind of a given), DH is going to take me to Paris. OK, I made that up, but he's been promising to take me to Paris since my 21st. DH gets in a strop because I'm going to Austria... so I remind him our 3rd anniversary is next year, not this. Then he started getting annoyed because I was bugging him for a TTC start date (ie I said "if we have no children"). "I already have one from you," I told him. He can't remember that. The bugger. So I make him tell me when he thinks the date is. He has no idea, he has no set date. Anyway, did all of todays crying earlier, it would appear, so we could talk a little about what DH wanted first.

He's back on wanting to be "financially secure", so we need (I made him be exact):
- no student overdraft to pay off (OK, we both have about £1000, paid off with £100 every month - I'm hoping to up this though!)
- no credit card debt (we don't have very much of this, it's usually paid off every month, but we have a lot on there right now because of the bathroom)
- £1000 in the savings account at the end of the month, before I transfer our pay in there.

That will take up to 10 months, but I plan to have it done by Christmas (just 7 months!), which means my TTC date is brought forward by half a year, at least! I'm going to really, really cut back on every spending (so NO new clothes/shoes, haircut only twice a year, no new films/cds, no new computer games, not even nice food to eat or lights going on until we start hitting our shins on furniture, and certainly no heating when we're cold, we can have more than 4 jumpers on!).

Now, he's done this to me before: we need me to have a permanent job, to be at a "healthy" weight, to own our own house... so I asked DH if I asked if I could have the above in writing would he be annoyed and yup, he was. But he can't remember the changing dates from before (guess it affects me more), so I thought I'd get it in writing here, if nowhere else, just so I can double-check all the terms and conditons.

This includes "all" debt save student loan, car and mortgage - because when we pay off the car we're increasing our mortgage to that of current mortgage + car, so no worries.

So I am going to see the GP once this cycle ends, especially as I've had no EWCM so far and I'm more than a month in, taking my two previous hormone profiles to show that I should be ovulating, and will get my rubella checked the week after next once my team are all away on courses (just to avoid having them see me in bloodtaking).

Not sure how I feel about having another flexible date as I really don't like those - hence the fact we agreed on a date a few months back - but if it's sooner then I won't argue. I mean, how long will it really take to save £3000? We're owed a lot of money from DH's friend, and some from my work, plus what I save already... so yeah, I reckon we can go from £200-600 a month (savings vary) to £500 every month without too much worry - I want an excess in the savings account just in case. Especially in the summer when bills are lower and we have a shower so don't have to take baths all the time so save loads on a water bill.

Anyway, expect a big old rant at Christmas if all this doesn't work out and DH moves the date again! As for growing up - he'll still play with his car and go out with his friends and have them around the house, he'll just have an extra someone to play with! DH has already said he's going to ignore the children until they "get their own personality" (oddly, he doesn't think babies have personality when they're born, let alone in the womb), so he doesn't plan on having children until I've had them for a little while LOL.

So, Peachy - I'm still waiting, but I hope this post shows you there's still hope and men have no memory.

Thanks for the Queenie, although my post was changed by someone ( i assume a Mod) because it wasn't f***ing that i was saying it was pr**king. Maybe i should have wrote 'pinning'. I'm not too sure why they did it because you can '***** your finger on a rose thorn'......

You go Ryn.....maybe you could knock a few more months off somehow...

Okay....it changed automatically.....obviously not a word you can use in here....Sorry mods...

Oooooh!! Sounding good Ryn! At least you seem to be getting somewhere. Let's just hope that your DH doesn't decide to change his bloody mind again!!

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Although i had no known history of fertility issues, i also had this huge fear that we'd wait too long to start trying and we might have fertility problems and then it would take even longer. Around this time i signed up to BB and i became aware of how hard it could actually be to ttc!

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You nailed that one Tulip! That is sooo me:p .

I know that you cannot make someone change their minds about anything, but it's just nice to hear of other people that have or have had dramas. Sometimes you just think to yourself that you are the only one with these 'man' issues going on but in reality you're not. And then you hear of the 'man' changing their minds and you think - there is hope!

I work shift work & I think that my plan of attack will be to write him a note when I'm on a night shift and tell him that 'by the way' my OCP has run out and I wasn't planning on going to get a new prescription. That we dont' have to 'actively' try but we'll just see what happens. That way, he will know, it gives him the night to think about it (whilst in between xbox games), and if he would like to talk about it, he can come to me instead of me having to keep on bringing it up. (It makes me feel like a broken record sometimes!) . Also, it doesn't really give him a chance to give me the preprogrammed 'NO'. We'll have to see how that goes...:crossfingers: . I only remembered last night as well which I'll have to bring to his attention that I believe that in January last year he said to ME, that we should have kids soon! Why on earth did I not take action then? Fair dinkum...I remember saying that whenever he was ready - I'm ready..No point kicking myself now. I should know by now that a MANS 'soon' is a long time coming!

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I should know by now that a MANS 'soon' is a long time coming!

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I hear you there, girly! Actually, DH has started to talk about getting our overdrafts paid off ASAP with lump sums, so fingers crossed he's gearing up to start TTC too! I managed to put away £800 into the savings this month - I know I'll have to transfer it out again at the end of the month for car loan/credit card, but it's still earning interest and I'm hoping that we get some money from other sources soonish - I hate being owed money. My work owes me more than a year of pay (either £150 or £500, not sure yet) and another 2 months' worth as they didn't negotiate our new-tax-year increase yet. Then with DH's friend owing us money... gah. That's something I hate even more, friends owing money.

I'm scared of fertility problems too (even more so now with my long cycles and whatnot), but for years I've been convinced my first baby would be born in Autumn and if we start TTC at Christmas then I won't have long to wait! If we started September then we'd have 3-6 months of TTC; I'm just hoping that (a) I'm right and (b) we don't have a year of TTC. It's well worth coming off the Pill now just to check your body is sorting itself out.

If DH changes his mind (as you can tell, now I'm savings obsessed) then I can direct him to this thread, all the hope I felt, and tell him I definately want something in writing this time! As you can see, I'm not changing my ticker just yet LOL. Did think about going back to a cycle-based one, but that's just as depressing right now.

Shan, I was once on a forum that changed "pen1s" to "thingy", which made me laugh a lot and type "pen1s" in a lot just to laugh at the word "thingy". So I guess we can't ask the question of what virginity and a balloon have in common now.

Hey Peachy and Ryn,
I can relate to you guys in that my DH was very hesitant to start to 'try'. I always rush things (well, we've been together 7 years, have bought 2 houses, and now he runs his own business so I think we've been quite patient :) ) However, like the others have been saying, it takes a while for them to come through. For my man, security was a big deal. Due to him working from home, he was insecure about the income he brought in. I think he wanted to feel secure in being able to provide for me and bub. After some lengthy discussions we sorted this out.

I wrote a budget and explained to him how much we would need for when we have bub. I made sure I would have worked for more than 4 months to get maternity leave (just so you know, you have to work for 12 months continuously, which means as long as when you are due you have been there for 12 months, you are entitled to parental leave) and the baby bonus $4000 and going up to $5000 in 2007 also helps.

Consider this, if your mortgage is $400 per week, and you want to have 6 months off, then you will need about $9600 or so to pay the mortgage! That is not alot really to save, considering you get the baby bonus as well. So if you got pregnant right now, you have 9 whole months to save $5600, which is not too much.

I don't know about you, but my DH really appreciated knowing all the facts and figures. Even now when I said I wanted to put it off a few months because I am considering changing jobs, he still wants to start trying then :p

Anyhoo, boys will always be boys and they are insecure about providing and other issues. Just talk to him about the things that concern him, and work together to find a budget, start saving, and soon you will be TTC!

Hey Dragonbub - come back!! I don't know how to get anyones attention on here...:confused:

What sort of things did you put in your budget? I usually do the budget at home and just tell DP what the go is. Did you just work out everything like the mortgage as you have mentioned, all the bills, food, cars, insurances etc, that you would normally put away and make sure that you have put it all away before bub arrives? How did you estimate what you would need for bub?
I think that the biggest thing is that DP would love for me to be a SAHM but it's just not do-able. He earns good money but he gets loads of overtime also and you can't rely on that. I earn good money at the moment myself but I'll be redundant soon so - yes I will have a nice lump sum which could be the baby fund but then I will need to find a new job. I'm not worried about that as such but I may earn less than what I'm on now and also the maternity leave thing - I would have to wait in order to receive...

The more information that I get on what other people have done can only benefit my cause!!:p

Hey Peachy!
Yeah, the budget thing is tricky. The main thing is to look at what you spend at the moment, weekly, monthly and yearly. I broke it all down to weekly, so I knew exactly what we needed week to week, even if some bills came yearly (rates etc). Food is pretty easy and other consumables, and allow an entertainment budget. Look at large costs, such as if you are going to buy another car (as we have to), and other things.

I know I need to feel secure and all that, but there is really only so much you can do, and so long you can wait. I think there will always be sacrifices, even if you are in the perfect position now - like you can always buy a bigger house, get a better job and buy a nicer car. But when you make the decision, you just have to aim for it and it will be ok.

I know alot of people told me "you are just a baby! you have plenty of time to get pregnant" (I am 28), but when I think about it, it is not up to them it is up to myself and my DH to decide when WE are ready IYKWIM?

Therefore we have set our time and that is that!

:rolleyes:

Dragonbub,

When you start looking at the finances i usually just go :eek: . There is so much to consider. Though I have to say that it shouldn't be too hard (to do a budget that is) as I already every month put away money for all the quarterly bills, and the car insurances/regos and stuff.
I know what you mean about other people saying stuff as I get some saying that I have plenty of time (29 next week!!) and then people like my mum who keeps saying that I'm getting old and running out of time and that at my age she had 3 children and I'm not even married yet...Drives you mad:angry: . To me, I think a lot of people take for granted the ability to have a baby when they want. When you take a look around there are so many people where it is taking a fairly long time to conceive. I just don't want to leave it too late as if I do come into problems I would rather know about it sooner than later I guess. I shouldn't be so negative before I even start...I also take into account all the 'what ifs'.