Devastated is the only word that comes to mind.

I needed someone to share with, I hope you guys dont mind.

At 16 I fell pregnant when a condom broke and although I wanted to keep the baby, family pressure led me to have an abortion. I just never considered that becoming pregnant again would be an issue, yet here I am 12 years later and it just isn't happening.

It has been four years of trying, of tears and of seeing everyone around me give birth to beautiful little bundles of joy.

I have the most incredible partner, I am blessed in so many ways, I should be happy and content with the life I have. Yet I obsess, day in and day out about conceiving. Whether its tracking my ovulation or reading into any possible bout of sickness or fatigue as an early preganancy symptom before I get to pee on a stick.

I am tired, exhausted of it all.

My partners sister is pregnant with her second after only just obtaining custody of her first again, my best friend has given custody of her two daughters to their fathers and has just had an abortion with her new partner and I just can't help but to be so dissapointed because all I want is a baby.

I know it is making me depressed and I know the longer it goes on, I become more obsessed yet I can't stop it. I can't just 'take a break' like people suggest because what if thats the month it is meant to happen and I miss it.

No one can find anything wrong which makes things worse. Sperm count is high and healthy and there is nothing physically wrong with me, it is just simply not happening, without explanation.

Sorry for the long, depressing post, I am just so dissapointed. again.