The search for validation...

[Arcadia]

I have been thinking on this for a while, and some recent threads have brought it back to the forefront of my mind...

I find it interesting that our society seems to condition us to look elsewhere for validation of our decisions, rather than to our own resources. This can take the form of praise or reassurance, but is generally, unconditional support for choices we have made.

I am a definite culprit of this, and something I have been working on as DD gets older. When I feel unsure, I try and think...well...I'm the mother, so its actually up to me. It sounds pretty basic, right? But it is hard not to call mum, or jump on here, or go to mothers group and have a whinge so I hear the "but you're doing so well..etc". I think mothers are SO unsupported in society, and I am not advocating stopping praise and support, but rather the unconditional support, which ignores deeper or wider issues and possibly stops the person finding peace within themselves (iykwim?)

I know a few friends who are actually trying to avoid praising their children with unconditional phrases like "good boy" or "good girl", because that only sets them up to seek validation (in their view). Instead they recommend phrases with conditions, like, "I really like that picture you drew. Wow, look at the birds etc etc" which encourages more specific discussion/encouragement, rather than direct, abstract praise because this encourages "praise junkies"...(there are resources out there that discuss this in more detail).

Anyway....just putting it out there...

[Oorki Galoorki]

i definatly agree with what your saying, its why my posting style has changed recently as i wont offer support that goes against my ethos..
i get that every one needs support of some type but if you(read us) can not be comfortable with your decisions then why should any one else be... if its bad or good we have to know that we have made the decisions based on the information we have. we could look into it further if we want or we could leave it with what we already know.

as i have been doing my own emotional development i have realised i was/am dependant on praise.. but i am starting to get over the need for a welldone, good job....blahblah.

positive reinforcment does not have to consist of praise as you have said there are other was to help children feel confident.

[thepixie]

very interesting topic anna! I think we do have a tendency to concentrate too much on others' opinions rather than listening to our inner voice and trusting what we believe is right, especially as mothers. Also I think seeking outward validation can sometimes be a way of not 'owning' our own choices - eg. everyone told me it was the right thing to do/ I was doing a great job, we can kind of renounce our agency for it later ITMS.
I am not so keen on the idea of not telling children they are a good boy/ girl, I would be worried that could descend into pedantry and so much of what we do is micromanaged and microscoped (not really a word but YKWIM) I would hate to see people frowned on for telling their child s/he was a good boy/ girl. But I guess if the person wasn't seeking validation they wouldn't care!
Very interesting discussion

[Janie]

Wow, Anna, great topic! I agree with much of what you have said.......and it's also something I have worked on since becoming a mum. But I know I fail at times, I need to be more conscious of it.

Thanks for bringing it up, I look forward to reading others responses

[maz]

I think alot of it is fear factor....fear that the truth in what your feeling might surface and in turn making you feel isolated in a sense with your view's arent seen as the right way by others.

Doudou hit it on the head with emotional development. Feeling comfortable and believing in yourself and your abilities as a human being are the first step and sometimes it helps to see the glass as half full instead of half empty.

[Lulu]

This is another reason I am so thrilled that I have found an alternative school for my son. I love the fact they encourage the children to find validation within themselves and promote individual self-worth rather than looking to someone else for praise iykwim?

They will concentrate on his own achievements rather than scaling it up against others performance.

[Lolli]

Ineteresting. I know I have a lot of issues with praise and being validated by others. It's somehting I work on- being secure in myself and my own desicions, and having the praise of others being more an 'icing on the cake' kind of thing, rather than a marker with which i judge myself.

It's also something i'm becoming more concious of with ds. having grown up in a house where no praise or feedback (good or bad) was given ever, for anything, sometimes I feel like I lay it on thick with ds as a kind of compensation. I feel like I walk a fine line between trying to give him enough confidence, and the power to realise what area's he's strong in, and just praising him for anything...