Children of Narcissistic Parents

This was quite a few days ago, forgot about this thread until I got a notification today ... he's fine since it was a pretty easy decision to just ignore it (despite the very pointed 'its up to you') so we've actually gone ahead making Christmas plans that don't involve them - I talk to my parents pretty often (weekly or more in fact) and they're clued in on this whole thing, since I actually have a functional relationship with *my* parents lol. We were going to have Christmas at the inlaws place this year too, had it with my parents last year.

Having a rift now is actually LESS stressful than not having one, however that works.

And fortunately we live quite far enough away to avoid any stalkage. We're about 200km north of them, with a lot of touristy wine areas between us and them, so it has always boggled me how infrequently they visit considering they could make it a romantic overnight getaway. My parents visit us quite frequenty.

Currently DH and I are considering taking legal action against my parents, or at the very least sending off a last 'back off' letter and documenting everything that's happened JIC.

It is a horrible feeling being stalked. We went through it last year and eventually sent a cease and desist letter. We haven't heard from them since which has been amazing. We told them years ago we wanted no contact but for years we had people 'spying' on us for them (they even told us as much in one of their emails but later denied it, even though I have it in writing :wall:)

We contacted the police who said that we could apply for a DVO and had a good case for one (though at the end of the day it is not up to the police). We documented all of their behaviour for our own records. MissEm, reading that I am not sure whether you are saying that you are sending them a back off letter with their documented behaviour, or you are just documenting their behaviour for your own records, but can I suggest only documenting it for your own records if you are contemplating sending it to them - information is what they want and information = power to Narcs. Best to avoid it altogether.

I guess the upside of seeing her made us realise she has a new car, so we know what we're looking for now. I'd suspected it, but now we have it confirmed. Probably how she knows about DD - I probably walked out in front of her or something at the shopping centre pedestrian crossing.

Did you stop contact with them before DD? For some reason I thought it was after.

It is an awful feeling, to know that you are being watched. For us, my PIL stalked us because we told them they couldn't have anything to do with us and they had such a huge sense of entitlement to DH and to our children that they thought that they were well within their rights to do that and so much more. Not that they ever did anything more to us and I knew logically that they couldn't really hurt us but it was still very unsettling.

I really wish there was a way out of this for you :hug:

Hi and welcome Miss Em - although won't be too gushing as this isn't a group you really want to be a part of. Oh to have a "normal" family. It is such a shame you are being stalked and have all the emotional upset that goes with that. I hope you do get them stopped. :hug:. Hugs to Pac and JM too for having to go through that.

DH reckons that his MiL has been poisoning all my family about us, they were pretty off with us last time we met at a big family do. He may be right. Could have been we were otherwise occupied with DS though and actually, a lot of people had something else bigger than us on their minds.

As for us - sold the house (well, offer accepted), the one we wanted to buy the buyer has taken off the market this morning (aaagh!) but today have found a potentially better one. We are not telling DH's MiL (or my mother if you prefer) that we've sold, nor when we are moving when we get a date. We are debating about giving the new address, although it would mean trouble with the rest of the family. We live far enough away that she ay not be able to track us, but it will mean losing other family members who would pass the info on. Bet we will end up bending to her wishes and telling her.

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Did you stop contact with them before DD? For some reason I thought it was after.

It is an awful feeling, to know that you are being watched. For us, my PIL stalked us because we told them they couldn't have anything to do with us and they had such a huge sense of entitlement to DH and to our children that they thought that they were well within their rights to do that and so much more. Not that they ever did anything more to us and I knew logically that they couldn't really hurt us but it was still very unsettling.

I really wish there was a way out of this for you :hug:

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Before. DH severed all contact just before we moved into our house five years ago. It took two years for his dad to appear and then it was only a handful of times before it got the better of him and he started hassling us about seeing her again (incidently, after we told him I was pg). I think DH and FIL have seen each other once since DD was born, and DH didn't speak about her, didn't say anything about us even being parents. The only thing FIL saw was the car seat and there was nothing identifying in the car to say we'd had a girl. We knew that as soon as MIL found out we'd had a girl, it would be on because she only has sons and has made it perfectly clear of her desire to have a daughter. DD has never met anyone on DH's side of the family. The freak out I had earlier this year was because she sent DH a message that made it clear she knew we'd had a girl. So the only way she knew that was that I had been seen. I felt like I'd failed DD and DH. I hadn't been careful enough. I know how irrational that sounds, but it was horrible. I pulled back on FB friends, closed the doors and hid. We didn't go out. Then they tried legal action, so we sought out our own. Nothing yet has come of it, and I'm not sure it will. DH made it clear that he wanted nothing to do with any of them. Ever. We've had one person try again since then, but again, they were told no. So we haven't had anything for quite some time. Funny enough, I feel stronger now. I feel angry that she's been here, looking at our house, or whatever it was she was doing. I feel angry that she's invading our privacy. But at the same time, I care less. It's not so crippling. Maybe because DH and I are stronger than we've ever been. Our marriage and life is in a really good place and that's making the world of difference.

TFB - It's awful when the family is told things that you can't defend yourself against. It's such a vicious thing. For as much as I am going to be sad to sell our place, I love that she won't be able to find us :hug:

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MissEm, reading that I am not sure whether you are saying that you are sending them a back off letter with their documented behaviour, or you are just documenting their behaviour for your own records, but can I suggest only documenting it for your own records if you are contemplating sending it to them - information is what they want and information = power to Narcs. Best to avoid it altogether.

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No no, just a basic back off, no contact what so ever, or we seek legal action. We wouldn't give them any information, we will just document for our benefit should we need it further down the track, hopefully not though.

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No no, just a basic back off, no contact what so ever, or we seek legal action. We wouldn't give them any information, we will just document for our benefit should we need it further down the track, hopefully not though.

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Yeah, sorry. Sometimes when things are in writing they can be intepreted two ways but thought I would mention it just in case it was the other way :)

You sound like you have a fair idea about NPD already which is great. It can take a while to get your head around and what it means when you first hear about it.

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Well that doesn't really give us many options then does it. Given that your DP doesn't want to care to pursue option 3 (the preferred option) then that really only leaves option 1 or 2. I don't see how we can ever do the right thing because you are not creating a workable situation. The reality is that the situation we're in now is the situation we've been in for a long time. Your DP has avoided option 3 and when someone wants to avoid all contact then you hardly feel welcome in their home. This may have not been explicitly stated but you know when someone doesn't want to be around you. You said yourself that after each visit here you vowed never to visit again so I feel that your DP has wanted to cease contact for some time now and has put that plan into effect. You can't have it both ways though. Since he doesn't want to see us then you can't also complain that we haven't visited.

This is a no-win situation. You are obviously unhappy with the way things are presently but aren't creating a space for things to change. I feel until he has advanced in his therapy it's one that we wont be able to resolve. You know for now I'm done talking about this. I feel that nothing I can say will make things better so what's the point. Your DP wont even respond to my messages so I don't feel like he values our relationship at all. Perhaps I'll contact him when I've had time to come to terms with all of this and find out if he wants me to be a part of his life. Unless he wants that and tells me directly I don't see how we can more forward.

\exits thread

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I take it that you both know each other IRL then?

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Tonight on Insight: Narcissism. Thought it might be worth watching if you are interested. They are talking about when it crosses over to being a disorder from the run of the mill narcissism that helps us all survive life.

7:30pm on Insight.

If you miss it tonight, it is available online. There is also a live chat available online after the show with guests and they repeat the episode during the week though I am not entirely sure of the times. Will let you know when it is repeated if I find out (I think SBS2 has it at 7:30pm on Thursdays but it is also repeated on Friday and Monday during the day possibly).

Well it appears my mother has struck again. Why I'm surprised, I don't know. But what I do know is I hate NPD and the damage it does to families :( can anyone tell me if there is an appropriate PSG I can join, I sure could use some support, but am feeling a bit vulnerable in this public forum.


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The family and relationship crisis support group.

Thanks TFB xo


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