Dont know how to make it work? (friend situation)

[Freya]

I swear the whole making friends situation is never ending since we moved here and its really starting to wear me out

For those who havent caught any of my other posts -
My hubby is military, we moved to Townsville 6mths ago and I thought Id found a great mother groups to attend, only to find it wasnt the case. Decided to stop going due to some immature behaviour I witnessed and as a consequence one of the attendee's (who has since proven to be a bytchy troublemaker of the grown-up kind) has it in for me and life has been lonely and difficult ever since Im not used to not having a big group of friends and although I have one I see here and there, she is part of the first group and HER life has been made difficult because she is still friends with me. A few coincidental incidents of her and I having plans interrupted by them making plans after we have and they know she is too nice not to try and do both to keep everyone happy, have occured too which hasnt made it easier as I get extremely po'ed with the immature behaviour and find it hard not to skitz it at them even when it may be a case of them not knowing (though I find that hard to believe as its always been after her and I have made plans via public forums or its been broadcast through the grapevine and suddenly troublemaker comes up with "Oh we want you to hang with me/us on that day/time too" *sigh*)

A few others in the group have made noises about building friendships and while I get along with the odd few really well and can see great potential for it, I have two issues with doing so -
a) that I can trust them to be discreet and honest/loyal to me even while being friends with said troublemaker. I would never make people choose but I have to look out for my own interests as well and while we might become good friends, she was friends with them "first" and I dont have alot of confidence that they would make a decision based off behaviour and example, not who's known who the longest
b) I dont have the energy or time to engage in a tug of war over them with the troublemaker because she gets jealous that they spend time with me too, and it WILL happen eventually just like with the first friend. Plus I get the guilts just thinking of their lives being made miserable all for being friendly with me.

But Ive found it hard to slot in with other groups because their already well established (and Im a bit once-bitten-twice-shy now) and we could possibly be moving in July anyway so trying to find completely new people to befriend now seems pointless. I need more than just one friend to have adult conversations with though and the kids are struggling with no friends of similar ages to play with regularly (esp my 2yo apart from daycare) and its impacting on my 2yo's behaviour so much so that Ive decided to send him to daycare for TWO days a week to give him the level of social interaction and playtime he needs with other kids. Which leads to yet another case of guilts.

WWYD if you were me? Ive tried to just keep it cool but I find myself really enjoying the company of the others and dont want to always hold myself back for fear of causing more problems or becoming attached to someone/the kids becoming attached to the other kids, only to have it all blow up in my face. Its bad enough 'losing' friends through moving alot without directly putting myself in that position. I couldnt take it.

If you got this far, thankyou very much for reading

[Footsteps]

i havent got any advice..just wanted to offer BIG hugs...i hate ppl like that who are simply spiteful,vindictive ppl. it ruins ppls friendships.
love rach xx

[Gigi]

that sux Anna

you don't need the stress, two toddlers and pregnant, you just do not need the bs.

it only takes one nasty person, to poison things.

can you try organising get to gethers on the phone? e.g not online, so less chance of the nasty one finding out, and then sabotaging you by planning her things on same day?

GL hun

[Lulu]

I'd say to put it right out there to those who have made noises about building a friendship. Maybe you could say "look, I don't know what I have done to offend XXXX but she seems to be making things a bit difficult when it comes to seeing you guys. I'd love to get together more, I'm not sure what to do".

That way it's out there clearly. There's no way the rest of the group haven't seen this happen before and there is a good chance at least some of them are a bit sick of it themselves. You are also not lowering yourself to her level, so if no one wants to change anything you definitely know where the loyalties lie.
And in all bytch-circles presided over by one bytch it falls down sooner or later.....not everyone wants to remain immature forever. No one ever feels safe because it could be them on the hitlist next.

hth xoxoxox

[Freya]

See thats the funny thing Lulu, after all the crap went down I told people it was to do with one particular person, didnt name names, but they ALL knew who I was referring to without me even saying it. They tell me "Oh we know what she's like, dont let her ruin it for the rest of us, still hang out with us please?" which really shytes me off because how on earth is this nasty woman supposed to learn her behaviour is unacceptable when they still pander to her!? Who would want to be friends with someone like that, who attacks an innocent new person to the group? Im not the first apparently and they tend to cop it in turn from time to time. Things like that make me not want to bother with them at all, I prefer my friends to have balls you know? Then when they complain about her I just want to slap them and say "I know you idiot, stop complaining its your own fault you put up with it!"

Honestly my highschool friendships were less complicated than this and man could the girls I hung out with bytch

[Papillon]

See thats the funny thing Lulu, after all the crap went down I told people it was to do with one particular person, didnt name names, but they ALL knew who I was referring to without me even saying it. They tell me "Oh we know what she's like, dont let her ruin it for the rest of us, still hang out with us please?" which really shytes me off because how on earth is this nasty woman supposed to learn her behaviour is unacceptable when they still pander to her!? Who would want to be friends with someone like that, who attacks an innocent new person to the group? Im not the first apparently and they tend to cop it in turn from time to time. Things like that make me not want to bother with them at all, I prefer my friends to have balls you know? Then when they complain about her I just want to slap them and say "I know you idiot, stop complaining its your own fault you put up with it!"

Honestly my highschool friendships were less complicated than this and man could the girls I hung out with bytch

FROM YOU!

You may only have the chance to tell her how it is, or atleast how YOU have observed and feel it is.... what she takes on board is then up to her. However, just remember.... the other members of the group who 'pander' to her, are obviously follower's. You are a leader, i can tell by the way inwhich you carry yourself on the forum, and seeing as the said person is obviously a leader too (allbeit negative), this is why she instantly would of made sure she did EVERYTHING she could to keep you out of the group.

It is so hard not having RL friendship groups, i know that 100%. I am of the mind set that if a relationship, be it friendship or romantic, is negative in anyway and brings to you negative feelings on a regular basis, then i will remove myself from the relationship. It has taken me MANY MANY years to wise up to this, and it is REALLY REALLY hard to do, BUT, it is also the best lesson and life skill i have implicated to my daily living!

I am always on the look for new friendships, and in over 5 years i have only just recently (apprx 6 months ago) formed a friendhsip which i truly believe to what i class as a true friendship..... but in this time there has been a few of who i loved dearly and gave so much of myself to but due to thier negative behaviour, i HAD to walk away from. I still think of them everyday, and wish nothing but good tings for them, however...... at that time the friendship was not working positivly for us both. And that is a must in ANY relationship..... that the road has two lanes, and the amount of flow down both side is equal.

I possibly come across in this as cold, but trust me... i am far from it. I sadly am the kind of a perso to give my entire self to someone even when i never get anything in return. I have had many a broken heart, and left feeling so depleted by friends as i would give to them whenever they needed, be it time or things of a physical nature... and in my hour of need never get an inch in return!

I have always said i would prefer to have NO friends, than 100 ****ty ones! Quality VS Quantity EVERYTIME!

Goodluck M'Dear... it is never easy.

P.S I am unsure of your believe systems, but... looking at it from my belief systems. EVERYONE we meet in out life, comes into our life for a reason. Sometimes it can be for eus to teach them something, soemtimes for them to teach us something.... thier stay in our life can be a short one, or can be a long one...depending on the lesson and how many times it needs to be re-learnt!

You may just be the person, the said woman needs to alert her to the fact she IS treating people in a certain manner and that it ISNT acceptable. She may not turn around and thank you.... she may not even respond at all BUT.... be it now or in 5 years after a few more people come into her life and say the same thing, and you are long gone..will she go.. 'Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.. i get it now'.

Ofcourse, she may never get it and may end up being one of those old biddies you see attacking their neighbours over their fence!!! lol but..... i think you get my gist here.

Much love to ya darls xo

[Crystalwings]

I'm not sure if I got this right but your pregnant with 2 toddlers? This sounds like an episode of neighbours but unfortunatly for you it's not. I think you either need to stand up to this woman or find some new friends. July is 6mths away and what if you don't move? I have never needed lots of friends but have loved my local ABA meeting (not sure if you are going to BF but if you are that could be a good group to join) and the support I have recieved there. I have also tried play group but it was to clicky for me so only went the once. Does you DH have any work mates with nice partners? Could you have a barbie and invite some of them over to get to know them? Good luck with it all, sending positive vibes to you.

[JennaJayen]

I know exactly what you mean, except most o my friends don't have children. They don't get it when I tell them that I can't catch up with them because Jaycen is grizzly and when they wanted to come around at 11pm and Jaycen had colic and was in lots of pain and we were tired and had only had 3 hours sleep in 48 hours and we told them 'Not now, another day' they didn't understand and kept on insisting on coming round... they finally agreed to come around at 10 the next morning, but then stayed up too late drinking and couldn't make it anyway... it p's me off, coz they think that I can do everything that I did before I got pregnant, but I can't, I have to think of Jaycen first, me and DF second and everything else 3rd.

Now, I just don't bother to make an effort with them, if they come around during the day when I'm awake and Jaycen's sleeping, then that's fine, but usually they're too caught up in their own pitiful problems about new/ex boyfriends and which pub they're going to go out to each friday/saturday night. I'm over it.

Sorry for the rant, but we recently had a liquor party (like a tupperware party, except with different types of alcohol and collectable bottles) and invited a dozen people who said they would come, and only 5 bothered to turn up and the rest didn't even let us know that they couldn't make it and we haven't heard from them since.