Do you sometimes feel like a single parent, even though you're not?

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

See, my dad's in the Navy. He was away for up to 6 months at a time. Mum had the money coming in, but nothing else. That's hard - it's like a guy who just pays a lot of child support but whose demands on parenting have to be considered. It's hard for the children too; having a Dad who's not there half the time then bossing you about the other half as if he owns the place.

If I were a single parent, I'd have moved to near my support network and have a LOT more support and fewer bills. OK it wouldn't be great but it would actually be easier - I wouldn't have to consider DH at all! I'm ill and WOW someone will cook me a meal or look after DS for an hour. BUT I wouldn't have adult company so much in the evening, which does drive me bonkers. There are upsides and downsides to each situation.

[Lolli]

I feel like a single mother most the time, not really due to DH's work but just because I pretty much raise the kids on my own..DH doesn't get up at night to the baby, change nappies, do baths. Nothing really. Doesn't even turn the shower on for our 9 year old DS...unless I ask him to repeatedly...and then it's "after the sports news" or "in the next ad break"

Same here. Although to give dh credit, he does work sucky hours, get's up at an awful time, and is very tired. And he seems to think that I am not tired, have plenty of time to relax, and have it easy

[amberj]

I just wanted to give big hugs to you all. I am extremely lucky to have a very supportive and involved husband, and even then I sometimes feel like I'm carrying most of the weight. But after reading this thread I realise I have it so good. I admire you all so much!

[fionas]

Sometimes. DP is a shiftworker so one week out of two isn't home for dinner and although he's home during the day, I seem to still do the morning routine and the lunch routine and then DP and DD both sleep and then I do the night routine too because DP isn't here. Plus he often works 8 days in a row and weekdays and weekends all blur into one. The worst thing is that his shifts vary so much. If they didn't, we would have a shot at getting into some sort of predictable routine but honestly, it seems to be different every single week and I find that very challenging.

I also find that if I say I'm tired, he seems to want to launch a Royal Commission into why as if it's absolutely unfathomable. What time did I go to bed, what time did I get up ... oh, I shouldn't be tired. Whereas he's allowed to feel tired, no questions asked.

He does do quite a bit around the house but seems to resent me having any 'me time'. If I go to the bedroom to get dressed after a shower, for instance, he will bring DD to "let's see what mummy's doing." Drives me bonkers but of course if I complain then I'm accused of being a freak who shouldn't have had a family. It's incredibly draining.

TBH, the idea of being a single parent and sharing custody has been very appealing at times. I would either be "on" or "off" duty and not have to explain to DP why at certain times I would like to be "off" duty.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I would like to be a single parent just for DH to have DS every other weekend - that sounds bliss! It's the main reason I would consider a divorce.

DH does "where's Mummy?" but to be fair I do "where's Daddy, Liebling go find Daddy" now.

I won't be allowed to be tired tonight, despite all the stupid run-around I've had to do with forms and student finance people... because I've been "at home". WORKING at home!

[Boo Boo]

Yes, the majority of the time...DH works in Africa - 6 weeks on and then two weeks back at home, we have no family here and by the end of the 6 weeks I am going insane....he is back this Saturday so yes I am feeling insane right at the minute....

[AnyDream]

It's hard for the children too; having a Dad who's not there half the time then bossing you about the other half as if he owns the place.

Amen to that. It's very stressful for the mum as well!!!

[Trillian]

That's not to downplay how hard it is (especially with financial pressures) of being properly a single parent. I take Satya's point and I'm sure you have a right to feel annoyed when someone in relatively comfortable situation makes a comment like that. But I don't think single parents have the monopoly on the hard yards. All sorts of people find themselves in difficult circumstances and you can't judge from the outside whether you're better or worse off than the next person.

Some of us are just better at pretending everything is fine and dandy cos we know damn well there's no help coming from anywhere. .

That pretty much sums it up for me. Satya, NO ONE in this thread ever compared themselves to a single parent or said they have it just as hard. But the feelings of the women who have posted in this thread are just as valid. Everyone finds the going pretty tough from time to time and no one ever 'owns' hardship. I would never compare myself to a single parent because clearly I am NOT one. But even if you do have a Dh coming home to you at night, or after a time away, that does not make the daily grind any easier to deal with sometimes.

[Lulu]

I hear you Satya - you can't really feel like a single mummy until you take your partners wage out of the equation.

[Marlene]

The original question was "do you sometimes feel like a single parent, even though you're not" not "do you suffer the same financial hardship as a single parent"

As I posted before, I have been a single parent before, and yes, it was harder financially, but sometimes I feel that life was a lot less complicated and lot less stressful when it was just me and the kids. BUT...it is nice to be able to hand the baby over to a partner at the end of the day and grab that shower that you haven't managed to have for two days, LOL.

[Mum030709]

I'm with ya on that one Marlene

I have being on both sides of the bridge.
I was a single mum of my eldest 2 for close to 2 years.

[smiles4u]

Especially the first 5months of my DD's life as DP worked in the city (we live in the country) ... he would leave about 6am to catch the V/Line to work & then arrive home at 8.45pm

I had no family & no friends in the town we lived ... my DD had severe colic so therefore no one wanted to ring with her screaming in the background ... They were very lonely days ... and YES i in those days did feel like a kind of single Mum & therefore had more compassion towards single Mum's in the work they do on a day to day basis ... Just amazing i say

[organicem]

The original question was "do you sometimes feel like a single parent, even though you're not" not "do you suffer the same financial hardship as a single parent"

As I posted before, I have been a single parent before, and yes, it was harder financially, but sometimes I feel that life was a lot less complicated and lot less stressful when it was just me and the kids. BUT...it is nice to be able to hand the baby over to a partner at the end of the day and grab that shower that you haven't managed to have for two days, LOL.

I have done both too and honestly once I came to terms with the fact that I had to do it myself as a single mum it got easier and I actually found it less stressful then trying to rely on the help that is rarely offered from DH.

[chickiebabe]

yes i do feel that why sometimes hubby does alot of **** work and its really hard when hes not home to help me with 3 little ones but at the end of the day i get there

[danniellabella]

I hear you Satya - you can't really feel like a single mummy until you take your partners wage out of the equation.

When my DH had depression and wasn't there emotionally or mentally as I mentioned before, he wasn't working. I had to cut my maternity leave short and go to full-time work and send DD to full-time daycare because my DH just couldn't take care of himself or anyone else. He may as well have not been there. He didn't help out around the house, he didn't look after DD when I wanted to go out, I had to take her with me all the the time, even if I just had to pop to the shop for 5 minutes.
He would literally get up, play computer games all day while I was at work and even when I was at home, then go to bed. He hardly ever got dressed each day either. If I asked him to get up in the night to DD because I had work the next day, he wouldn't, or if he did he would get me up to sort her out and go back to bed because he didn't know what to do.
I remember one time he got up to her and I was awake just listening to her crying for 5 minutes. The cry was getting worse. I went into her room to see what was going on and he was just standing over the cot watching and not doing anything. I asked him what was going on and he said "I don't know what to do" so I asked what he'd tried and he said "nothing" He hadn't even picked her up for a cuddle.

He went away for a week in January this year and TBH I didn't even notice a difference with him not being there. I was still doing everything but I was more relaxed. After that week though it was a wake up call for him and he got his act together and started working again and helping out a lot more. He realised what he was about to lose if he kept going the way he was.

[Jaycee]

Wow that must of been so hard Danni, I'm glad to hear things are looking up for you now!

[edaj84]

My DH works nights so he either sleeps or works from thursday thrrough to monday, so i only see him really on tuesday and wednesday. and he thinks that by being home he is spending time with us, i can't seem to convey that he actually needs to get off the computer and communicate with us for it to count as time spent together

[tattoo_mama]

yes, thats why i ended up actually leaving. DP worked 6am to 1pm, came home, would go out in his shed til dinner, came in and ate it, then went back out into his shed til after id gone to bed. if he ever did come inside it was to use my phone caus he had no credit, whinge about something or start a fight and psychologically abuse me. YES, i wouldnt have been able to afford rent without him paying it, but in the end it was like i had 2 kids caus i did everything for him, right down to packing his lunch and getting out his clothes, socks, jocks for the next day...and still got called every name under the sun. So i left...and IME being a single mum is alot easier than staying with that crud!