A friendship

[Astrolady]

I met a mother through football. She is a nice lady, and when her son got in trouble at football and was nearly suspended I stuck up for them. After presentations was over we promised we'd keep in touch, how wrong was I to assume she meant via SMS.

I now feel like she is smothering me. She messaged me 2 weeks after presentation asking if I wanted to go there. I said I would, but then had to cancel cause our car broke down so I re-arranged for that weekend. We said we'd catch up during the holidays. The holidays hadn't even started when she was asking me over again. So I went and visited, cause I would have felt bad for making something up to not go. 2 days into the holidays she was messaging me again asking what I was doing the next day. I did end up making some excuse to get out of it. Now she has msged again asking if I want to go and visit tonight.

I am not really feeling comfortable with the friendship. Her son insists he kisses me goodbye when I go there and I barely know him, and there are just some other little things that I can't put my finger on. She has already told me that my boys will be invited to her sons 10th birthday party, which is late 2012. I have not told her that I am having parties for 2 of my boys in the coming weeks.

My mum says she is probably lonely, and she probably is. But I couldn't care less if I didn't see her any more, and I feel like such a ***** for that, cause it is generally not my nature.

Anyone else been stuck in a friendship like that.

[Trillian]

I haven't, but that does sound really full on and I can see why you feel the way you do. Perhaps you can just try to stretch out the meetings you have with her so it doesn't feel so full on?

[Traveller]

Yes I had a friend like this. We really hit it off initially but then sshe would not leave me alone. I even stopped being online for FB chat because every time I went on she would message me and ask the same fricking questions she asked me the day before.

In the end I distanced myself from her, made excuses why we could not meet up, etc. But I didn't stop all communications because we really did get on well at some level. The enforced space seemed to work anyway and it's much better now. We meet up maybe once a month. Maybe your friend is in the first flush of "new friendship love" and just needs some space for a few weeks to realise that you are a regular friend and not her BFF?

[peanutter]

Yes.

Escape while you still can.

It's a lot harder to do further on down the track ... It can feel a little mean, but if you have half the tummy rumbles about different elements of the relationship or things which are said and done etc as I did in my scenario, then you need to nip it in the bud, and extract yourself sooner rather than later, as it's not going to get any easier if you don't do it now.

Hopefully, she'll be able to take a hint - like, there are 4 weekends most months, and I have x members of family and y committments, and z good friends and v other interests, and I *occasionally* like to see my DH one-on-one so realistically, my newer friends I end up seeing once or twice a year - and generally at group events ... not at their homes, etc, so maybe we'll see each other at a match next season, and we can have a chat then ...

But realistically, I have found that some people come to rely on a new friend way too much way too fast, and it's a world of red flags for me personally, as I've seen it too many times ...

If you can encourage her to join some more community groups (not necessarily involving yourself...) that's probably the best thing you can do for her - suggesting she investigate book clubs or craft groups or other things in her local community. If she's lonely, the more people she can meet the better ... and hopefully, the less she will seek to rely on you...

I know that sounds really harsh, but that's my view.

[Beatrix]

wow she does sound full on..but she also sounds lonely.

many people find it hard to make friends so when they do they latch on.. im sure sometimes i even smother my friends without realising. Before ditching her completely I would have a chat with her saying you are awfully busy but meeting up once or twice a month would be great.. if she doesn't back down then terminate what ever friendship it becomes.

Good Luck

[Shades]

I want to cry for her because she sounds like me and it's just a case of being desperately lonely. Though I don't think I have the same "off" vibe, I'm just socially inept. So if there's something that feels wrong I hear you, but not if it's just that she seems really keen to hang out. Sorry if that's all garbled.

[Astrolady]

I've just come home from there and she is really really lovely, so I do feel really bad about it all. I think I have put down the off feeling to her son though. I know most kids show off when someone is over, hell mine do as well, but he is so in your face about it. Literally.

At one stage he was even throwing stuff at her other child so he'd get attention, we weren't even interacting with the other child, just chatting to each other. Most kids when they show off you can usually tune out or ignore. It's just impossible with him. It probably doesn't help that it is a very small house, so he really has no where else to go iykwim.

I have invited her here one day next week to see if it is any different at my place.

[TeniBear]

I want to cry for her because she sounds like me and it's just a case of being desperately lonely. Though I don't think I have the same "off" vibe, I'm just socially inept. So if there's something that feels wrong I hear you, but not if it's just that she seems really keen to hang out. Sorry if that's all garbled.

Same here, I have no concept of if I'm smothering a friend - though I'm pretty good at being the one people latch onto when I DON'T want to be their friend Actually, I think I might be this person to someone right now, and I wish they'd let me know...

It's better to let her know she's coming on a bit strong than let her find out about all this great stuff you're doing with other people. I always feel so lonely and left out, like no-one likes me, in those situations


Sent from my iPhone so forgive the speelung misstacks

[peanutter]

big hugs, shades and teni sorry if I made you feel at all ostracised ... I've just had a couple of bad/odd experiences in this department ... but don't assume you're in the category of being the overeager person - I felt like that at one point with a quite new friend who was going through a rough patch at uni, and I found myself calling her most days to say hi, if we didn't have classes together that day. Anyway, I mentioned to the friend that I was feeling a little stalkerish and I hoped she wasn't feeling uncomfortable (because she was a friend of a friend, and I really didn't know her much) and she actually said that she looked forward to my calls, because it reminded her that someone cared and was thinking about her, because while others knew her lots better and gushed over her when they saw her, they didn't call or email etc her otherwise, and didn't seem to listen to her or care when the drama and the crowd wasn't there ... over the rest of uni we got to know each other a lot better, and 9 years later, we're best friends.

astro - you've lovely ... if her son is the perpetrator of the icky vibes, then that's a bit different and running for the hills may be premature ... is he an age where realistically, he'll be with her on any activities? or can you catch up without him?

or would the park etc work?

I get nervous about having people over to my house, etc ... we had a girl come with us to sunday lunch at my parents' once, and (after she became way too intense and we were slowly and carefully trying to detach without being harsh) she just showed up at my parents' place another sunday for lunch ... she wanted to see us, she (correctly) figured we'd be there, and she (incorrectly) assumed that my parents would feel obliged to make a seat for her at the table, and feed her too ...

But if it's just that this lady is lonely and the tummy rumbles are more from the son, then (depending on his age) I might just be clear in terms of expectations (ie: how often I would be free to meet up, and at her/your place or elsewhere, etc) unless because of his age, I had concerns there too (eg: if he was a teenager and his behaviour was inappropriate or harassing, etc...)

If the bad vibes continue though, I'd still probably look at some group setting options ... going to the pool or library groups or cafes with playgrounds, etc ...

But if she's lovely and just lonely, and the issues with her son are manageable, then maybe she's a great friend waiting to happen ...

So much for me however depends on that gut, and whether boundaries are respected, etc ... I hope you find a good and happy balance which you are super comfortable with

[MissEm]

I felt like this person the other week, kind of infatuated with someone, but in a friend way. I hadn't even met her.
I met her the other day, and I came home and DH was asking me if he should be worried because I was just so excited that the meet went really well. In the 48 hours after meeting her and she had already invited me to her place for two separate occasions. I'm ecstatic. I was scared of pushing her away, 'smothering' her, but it seems that we are on the same page

I've had friends who have smothered me before too, and I think when it's not a mutual thing then it can be a bad thing. I just distanced myself and now our friendships are on the same page.